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Wow 1Tommy - "you would feel the same way if u had an Elderly parent..in need of correct care." - ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????? Almost EVERYONE ON HERE is taking care of an elderly parent 24/7 and is heading towards burnout! DO YOU NOT REALIZE WHAT THE NAME OF THIS SITE IS?????? You need to get a clue before posting anymore "sound advice" because as I said before, your "advice" is judgemental, which does NOT help anyone.
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Also..I don't think any one of us really wanted this job but what we do the best we can..and I'm sure we are doing it better than any facility.
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Its amazing how many people just don't get it. Even nurses. If you don't do this job 24/7..365 days a year..you have no business judging or telling people what they are doing is wrong or sub-par. I took my mom OUT of a NH. With their staff of 20 plus people per shift...they weren't doing THEIR jobs. I do mine. I suffer, I sacfice, I cry I laugh...I just get thru the day and do the best I can for her.
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LMAO!!! XD I'm not either, Orange, but I think I love you... Bwhahahahhah!
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Sorry, SA - I'm not into women (LOL) :))
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Furthermore TOMMY, nobody on this site is abusing the elders they care for, or they would not bother being on this site to begin with. On the contrary, the CAREGIVERS are mainly the ones who suffer verbal, physical, emotional, psychological,and even financial abuse at the hands of our elders. Most of us have given up fulltime jobs, benefits, medical insurance, retirement funds etc. to contribute to the care of our elders. Gee, do you think we deserve their roof over our head if we live in their homes? Or maybe we should sleep in the garage? So pardon us if we blow up occasionally - we are only human!! So yes, it is all about US, trying to do our best for THEM, learning from eachother and the valuable resources provided by this website. You are not one of those valuable resources. Please go bark up another tree.
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Orange, will you marry me? hee hee ;)
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Leave it to Standing Alone to really tell it like it is! TOMMY - I've patiently read many of your posts that have been nasty and judgemental. Now you finally reveal that you are a NURSE! Trained, I'm sure, but it's crystal clear to everyone here that you are obviously NOT taking care of an elder person in your own home. You have never related even one personal experience of home-caregiving that I have noticed. Totally different picture when you can walk off the job at the end of your shift. SO, until you've walked a mile in OUR shoes, I agree you need to STFU!!
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You're ok. It's ok to blow up sometimes. Give yourself a break and don't beat yourself up. Remember, this won't be forever. God Bless. :)
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Oh, and Tommy...it IS about US. ALL about US. Because WE'RE the ones killing ourselves to do RIGHT by our parents every step of the way.
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Tommy, go sell your crap about untrained caregivers NOT doing it to the government and see how THEY like the 35+ BILLION we lousy, bitching, untrained caregivers save them and see if THEY buy it.

I care for my mom much, much better than any freaking nurse around, thanks, and so do most of the people here. I'm TRYING to get my mom into a facility as we speak, using HER assets. The hold up? All those wonderful, beautiful TRAINED doctors refusing to give me the note to declare her incompetent. I didn't realize you had to have a degree to notice that about my mom. Evidently the docs need more training themselves since they can't decide to give me that note. Maybe they, unlike you, just don't freaking realize an end stage alz patient needs 24/7 care that I freaking provided the last 6 of my UNTRAINED years, and don't WANT to provide anymore....that THEY'RE trying to FORCE me into taking on again, by calling me and telling me I HAVE to come get my mom from the hospital when I called 911 to get her because my own health was in danger, because I've been doing such a STELLAR job around the clock, by MYSELF, 365 days a years with minimal help from anybody! Taken care of 'correctly'? Who the hell are YOU kidding? Sheesh! Whatever. . I can personally do without your kind of so called advice thanks.
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Tommy, you said:

people that ARE NOT Trained to take care of people that are Elderly..need to stop
the yelling and using them to get by on..They need be in a Nursing Home for 24/7 care. and that is if YOU AREN"T TRAINED THEN LET THEM BE TAKEN CARE OF
CORRECTLY instead of making it always about yourself ! very simple&a FACT.

Omg. Really? 'Stop the yelling and USING them to get by on'... What the hell planet are you from? And where do you get the hell off making such comments? You don't know jack about most people's situations around here. My mom dogged me, yeah, SHE did, for over a year to get ME to live with HER. When I moved in with certain understandings about her care, she changed the rules as soon as she had me in her clutches. I paid HER the vast majority of MY paychecks the first 5 years I was here, caring for HER and HER house, and yeard, and dog, and rental properties and...yeah. . She also demanded, yes, demanded, the vast majority of my tax refunds as well. I had a life outside here, I was renting a little house I was happy with. What she pulled on me amounted to extortion. Who was using who to get by on what? My mom didn't WANT to be in a nursing home, understand? She wanted to stay HERE. She refused to give either myself of my son POA in case something happened, claiming 'nothing ever would'. By the time she couldn't make her own decisions, I was STUCK here with her, without money of my own because it all went to HER, get it?
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Just to get a few things straight - I own a home - well, I am still paying a mortgage, but I rent it out - for less than the mortgage. I Pay the remaining mortgage WITH MY OWN MONEY - not my families.

My sister has brain damage. She is not able to work, but she is able to take care of my mom and brother when I am not around.

My car had a lot of miles on it, so I had to get a new car so I have a car payment that again - I PAY FOR WITH MY OWN MONEY NOT MY FAMILIES.

I am venting - looking for help, a little compassion, but advise. I am trying to keep my family together.
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I appreciate all your comments. and 1Tommy - I think you need to realize that the last place my mother will go is into a nursing home. Yelling and using them to get by on, really - you need to try to walk in my shoes. I am betting that you wouldn't last 10 minutes.
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alot of things are common sense..if someone is already has issues than they should really HELP the person that is in need by giving them the 24/7 care for a Facility.
I am a Nurse..and i read these posts like it is about them not the one who is obviously not getting the care they need..so perhaps common sense should apply..as I am here to help those that have to figure out that what they are doing spending time asking for someone to post back what is Common Sense. for the Elderly to get the correct caretakers.

you would feel the same way if u had an Elderly parent..in need of correct care.
I don' see the Elderly write..as a Advocate ..I am helping give sound advice.
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1Tommy - every post I have seen you make has been judgemental and inappropriate within the context of these boards, which are supposed to be supportive and compassionate. You are not helping anyone.
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God bless you for what all you have taken on. But you definitely need to start taking care of YOU before you have a heart attack. Depending on your sister's disability, it sounds like she could be doing stuff around the house. Like someone else said, stop doing "other" stuff and handle the main things, either someone else will chip in to help, or let it go and just tell them you are too tired. Hope you can find someone else to help out before you need help.
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Do you think you are the only caregiver who has yelled? You are overworked, overstressed, and frankly live with unappreciative folks. Why don't you just quit? Keep your day job, but stop doing for them and tell them until they treat you with more respect, they can fend for themselves. Mean it too! Get a night light for the hallway or a very low wattage bulb. You are allowing them to control you, and until you stick up for yourself, they will continue their rude behaviors. Respect yourself enough to not allow anyone to talk to you like that, even your mother. She may be 71, but at 43 it sounds to me like you are the one with all the dignity! Hang in there...
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Jinx's post is probably the best route to go, but... I am what I am...so...

YOU feel like a complete 'meany'..are you kidding me? I'd have gone off a hell of a long time ago on your sister, and wouldn't have felt in the least bit bad about it. She should be on her knees thanking God for what your do for everyone, not giving you crap about HER oversight. Sheesh! I'm starting to feel very, very happy that I don't have siblings...if that's how it is, who needs them? Just...ugh....

Don't sweat it. Next time, tell your sister that you're not psychic and if SHE forgets to add something to a list, to STFU when she doesn't get it.

Me and Jinx...same idea, different attitude about it.

In this life, I've learned that when you've tried going down the 'nice' road for awhile and talking reasonably(and you should try that route first) and it doesn't work, only thing left is to be a bitch. Sometimes people just walk all over 'nice', sad to say..
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Phish, posh, you did the right thing, stick up for yourself more often, and you will explode less. I blow up with my Dad at least once a month, I slam out the door and charge a lunch on his credit card. Today is his birthday, mine is tomorrow. He wanted to have me take him shopping. I am backing a cake, trying to get the house clean for a party tomorrow, doing laundry, so i delegated. My wonderful niece is in town for the weekend, she was happy to do it. I felt better. Tell your sister to back off, you are doing the best you can. Tell your Mom the same thing.
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Its true,we ALL do this..If they are decent,reasonable folks,they will understand.If not?Then they sorta have their own set of rules,and dont beat yourself up for not knowing them,ok?
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Its not bad to let off steam now and again.It does seem to give energy to go on again.I know this sounds selfish,but i do it at least once a week,to my mum who has dementia.We go off at each other,she tells me to go, its her house and not to come back.
I shout back, say yes mum,leave,and the next day im back there and it starts all over again.So i say to you, dont feel guilty if u need to let off steam to make you feel better.You are doing a good job, considering that you are hoding down two jobs.Im surprised you still can do that,your cup runneth over.Hugs to you.
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Wow! Where is the best place to get support? HERE! Kimmy, I, like many others have "been there". All the comments above prove that your little burst of frustration was not only common but earned! My best advice is to come here often, to vent, and for GREAT advice. Someday soon, YOU will be giving the advice as well. God Bless you and your family. You have a lot on your plate.
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Kimmy - I don't blame you at all for losing it. Don't feel guilty.

Is there a way to let out a "little" anger in bits, so you don't blow up? None of us - at least few of us - really enjoy blowing up. It makes us feel like children who can't control ourselves. I at least feel more proud of myself when I find a way to vent my anger in small ways that might improve the situation.

Does your sister have emotional issues, or could you respond to a dig about the hot dog rolls? "Sis, that hurt my feelings! I worked, then shopped, and I'm tired. I didn't know you wanted the rolls, and I can't read your mind."

I had an issue with my father once during a power outage. He was freaking out while I was trying to report the problem and locate flashlights and batteries. I said - hard but not outright nasty - "Daddy, I'm busy trying to handle this situation. I need you to be calm and to shut up so I can do that. Please CALM DOWN!" He realized that he COULD trust me, and did shut up.

If I were being the perfect wise person I wish I was, I would have gotten down from that chair, and said, "Mom, I'm putting a shade on that light so it won't bother you. I'm afraid I might fall down, so I'm trying to be extra careful. Can you help me by sitting down until I'm through?"

If you can say, from time to time, "I'm doing the best I can here. Can you cut me a little slack?" and maybe repeat it until they hear it, life might be better for all of you. Easy to say, hard to do.
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Yes, you are only one person. With the pressures and stressors you described it seems to me like a perfectly natural response to have that sort of mental/emotional burst. You can only do so much. It sounds like you are taking most of the responsibility of your family and this incident could be a big sign that things need to change. You deserve and need help. There are senior services that will probably be able to help you. You may even be able to get some free respite care approved. From my own experience I'm saying that if you don't make changes things likely will not change themselves for the better. And please don't feel guilty for arranging services first that will help you to get some time off Even just a day or part of a day. It sounds to me that like most of us here you were put in the role of family caregiver from early on. Now everyone is used to putting everything on you? Even when it's not your fault. Just because a person tells you they're right in blaming something on you doesn't mean it's true. I say this from my own experience. I caregive for my Grandad. He is passive aggressive and sarcastic. And like what you described, expects me to read his mind. And When I don't he blames it on me.

So, I guess the bottom line is that you have worth as a person and it's okay to take care of yourself. I know for me that the caregiving situation with my Grandad has been a wake-up call for me. If I don't learn to value myself and take care of myself people will continue to step all over me. It's okay to step out of the roles we've taken on in the family and start giving our lives value. I'm not saying that no one else matters or that we don't love the people in our families. I'm just saying that we matter, too, and it's okay if we give ourselves as much love and attention as we do to others.
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There is much help you can call in to delegate some of your burden. I had home health care people come in 3 times a week to bath, and change my dads linens. Physical Therapy, come in 3 times a week. All approved my medicare. They even have volunteers that will come and read to them or watch tv make meals or keep them company. You need more help!! You need personal time or you will end up sick !! and no good to anyone!! Stress is a killer!!
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I know you feel badly for sounding off but you are only human and you are under a great deal of pressure. Letting steam off is necessary in your situation.

I had to organize my dad's requests, I did what I could but I often had items on the list for the next day. It sounds like you are trying to do too much. Whatever the others can do --have them do it. Sounds like you are doing everything and that will frustrate anyone. Even if it is something small, like folding laundry --give them something to do. They will be happier if they are busy and not always thinking how you screwed up. When all else failed I would tell my dad the "complaint dept" had closed for the day. That I was doing the best I could and it would not always be perfect. He usually sad he was sorry for being critical. Really he was upset that he couldn't perform the task himself.

Good luck, Get some rest, See if you can get paid respite care too.

Liz
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OMG, Kimmy. Of course you have to vent with the load you are carrying! I couldn't do what you do. As long as you're willing to keep to this impossible schedule, it sounds like everyone is willing to let you do it. The problem is that you are only human and you have limits. My suggestion is that one day a week you find a way to pay for someone to stay with your family and, if you can afford it, leave early in the morning to go to a hotel with a pool, gym, nice restaurant, cable -- whatever turns you on, and return home the next morning. That should charge your batteries for another stressful week. If you can't afford this, then pay someone for the day and go to a park or whatever place relaxes you, eat a nice meal and go home after they're all in bed. If you can't find a valve to get the pressure off, you will not last indefinitely without going to pieces physically and/or mentally. You have no reason to feel guilty about not doing enough for these people. I read somewhere that there is no such thing as failure unless you quit and give up. To me, you're a hero, but leave sainthood to someone who has an easier road than you do. All that is required of you is your best, which you certainly are doing. Garza
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Take a deep breath.....And accept that you are not perfect. You are human. As a human being, you are entitled to not react perfectly in every situation. And then the next time this happens, take a few minutes to breathe. Then go back to whoever you yelled at, and tell them you are sorry for your yelling, but explain in what way their behavior was problematic for you, and why it upset you. Explain that you are sorry you yelled, but that you are entitled to be upset. And explain what you want them to do differently in the future. You may have to do this quite a number of times for the same behavior and it may work better with some than with others. It has worked for me. It's essential that you and they remember that your service is a generous gift. So don't take all the flak, and most importantly, don't forget that you are no one's carpet to walk on!!
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It's ok to get mad, you're normal. It's ok for sis and mom to get mad, they're normal too. You took it when sis fussed about the hotdog buns, they can take it when you fussed about the light. Sis is probably at wits end just like you are. Mom doesn't know what she is saying from one minute to the next so all the irritating things she says/does are just beyond anyone's control to conform to or change. It's better to get feelings out rather than let it eat you up inside. The fact that you are concerned about being mean to them shows that you aren't abusive. I agree with the point about getting as much help as you can. Taking care of any one of the responsibilities that you have is hard. I can't imagine anyone being able to do all that you are doing. Please give yourself credit for what you are doing instead of criticizing yourself for not being perfect. If possible maybe giving sis and bro some credit and praise would help too. Get as much more help as you can and try to take care of yourself. Can you get home health care or hospice for your mom? We got it through my mom's doctor. Our hospice provides respite care periodically where they take mom for a couple of days so you can get a respite from all your responsibilities. Bless you for all you do!
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