Well, I have been taking care of my mom with dementia and working two jobs, plus have a brother and sister that are handicapped that live in our house as well. My brother has a caregiver during the day and my sister and I take care (mostly my sister because I have back problems) of him in the evening. I am the only one that drives, does the finances, gets the pills, runs all the errands, plus works a full time job plus a part time job.
So, everytime I do something it is either not enough or not good enough. Example - my sister had a shopping list of stuff, but didnt include hot dog buns. I didnt know what meals she was planning for the week (my fault I know). Anyway, I got everything on the list, plus stuff my brother wanted, and my Moms perscriptions.
I get home and my sister says "well I guess we will eat hot sausage on bread". Not oh I forgot to add hot dog buns to the list, etc. etc. So frustrating.
Well, last night I got home from work, mom started her routine of telling me how old she is (71) and asking how old I am (43). She has some kind of fixation on age...anyway, she comments its hot in here...five minutes later its cold in here. We go through this daily.
She complained that the light in the hallway we leave on at night is too bright. So, I was trying to find a way to put a lampshade or something on it and here I am up on a chair on my tippy toes trying to figure out how to fix this and she starts asking - what are you doing why are you doing that. Meanwhile, she has dizzy spells and has complaining about being dizzy all day and she is up out of her chair walking toward me. I am trying to keep my balance myself and trying to get her to sit down. She just keeps yelling at me.
I finally yelled back at her and said Mom hush up and sit down for a minute. She flipped on me and I couldnt stop myself. I just went off. I told her I am tired of working so much and coming home and worrying about who is going to be mad at me. I am tired of walking on eggshells and that I wasn't doing anything for anyone any more. With that I made sure she was sitting in her chair and I locked myself in my bedroom.
I didnt leave her by herself. My sister was there with her.
When I went back out to apologize they were both upset with me.
I feel so bad for lashing out, but this is so hard and I feel so unappreciated. But I realize that it isnt their fault that I am the only one healthy enough to do this, so I shouldnt get upset with them. But boy is it rough and I feel like a complete meany ignorant person.....
My sister has brain damage. She is not able to work, but she is able to take care of my mom and brother when I am not around.
My car had a lot of miles on it, so I had to get a new car so I have a car payment that again - I PAY FOR WITH MY OWN MONEY NOT MY FAMILIES.
I am venting - looking for help, a little compassion, but advise. I am trying to keep my family together.
people that ARE NOT Trained to take care of people that are Elderly..need to stop
the yelling and using them to get by on..They need be in a Nursing Home for 24/7 care. and that is if YOU AREN"T TRAINED THEN LET THEM BE TAKEN CARE OF
CORRECTLY instead of making it always about yourself ! very simple&a FACT.
Omg. Really? 'Stop the yelling and USING them to get by on'... What the hell planet are you from? And where do you get the hell off making such comments? You don't know jack about most people's situations around here. My mom dogged me, yeah, SHE did, for over a year to get ME to live with HER. When I moved in with certain understandings about her care, she changed the rules as soon as she had me in her clutches. I paid HER the vast majority of MY paychecks the first 5 years I was here, caring for HER and HER house, and yeard, and dog, and rental properties and...yeah. . She also demanded, yes, demanded, the vast majority of my tax refunds as well. I had a life outside here, I was renting a little house I was happy with. What she pulled on me amounted to extortion. Who was using who to get by on what? My mom didn't WANT to be in a nursing home, understand? She wanted to stay HERE. She refused to give either myself of my son POA in case something happened, claiming 'nothing ever would'. By the time she couldn't make her own decisions, I was STUCK here with her, without money of my own because it all went to HER, get it?
I care for my mom much, much better than any freaking nurse around, thanks, and so do most of the people here. I'm TRYING to get my mom into a facility as we speak, using HER assets. The hold up? All those wonderful, beautiful TRAINED doctors refusing to give me the note to declare her incompetent. I didn't realize you had to have a degree to notice that about my mom. Evidently the docs need more training themselves since they can't decide to give me that note. Maybe they, unlike you, just don't freaking realize an end stage alz patient needs 24/7 care that I freaking provided the last 6 of my UNTRAINED years, and don't WANT to provide anymore....that THEY'RE trying to FORCE me into taking on again, by calling me and telling me I HAVE to come get my mom from the hospital when I called 911 to get her because my own health was in danger, because I've been doing such a STELLAR job around the clock, by MYSELF, 365 days a years with minimal help from anybody! Taken care of 'correctly'? Who the hell are YOU kidding? Sheesh! Whatever. . I can personally do without your kind of so called advice thanks.
"people that ARE NOT Trained to take care of people that are Elderly..need to stop
the yelling and using them to get by on..They need be in a Nursing Home for 24/7 care. and that is if YOU AREN"T TRAINED THEN LET THEM BE TAKEN CARE OF
CORRECTLY instead of making it always about yourself ! very simple&a FACT"
Are you for real? If this post is your idea of being supportive and helpful to overwhelmed caretakers, heaven protect us from NURSES like you..
Garza
"
But the caregiving responsibility can wear on you. You do the best you can, and yet somebody says it isn't enough. In our case, it's usually Mom who whines or criticizes. She frequently doesn't want to get out of bed, but instead wants to be waited on hand and foot. If we could somehow go to the bathroom for her, she would demand that too.
So I think each of us has our moments when she gets on our last nerve. I consider my visit a great success if I only yell at her once a week. Of course, when I get into it with Mom, then Dad feels the need to yell at ME for yelling at Mom. I've found in my case that it helps me hold my temper if, when she starts in complaining, I calmly suggest that if the accommodations here in her home are not to her liking, I would be happy to find a care facility staffed 24/7 with trained medical professionals who will come when summoned.
Mom also plays a game with home health care people who come in, telling them how awful her daughters are and how badly we treat her. The first few times this happened, I blew up at her right in front of the nurse. But then I realized that made me look really bad. So, once again, when she starts in with HHC workers I calmly tell her - in front of the nurse - that if life at home with her daughters is soooo bad, then perhaps the nice nurse can recommend a care facility where she will have trained medical professionals at her beck and call 24/7.
As for your sibs, since I don't know what their particular disabilities are, the only thing I can suggest is when they criticize you, just say, "Fine. I won't do the grocery shopping anymore. You can take care of that." Or leave the house and go to a movie, etc. Obviously you can leave them alone when you're at work, why not go out and play?
Don't kill yourself for your family members. Maybe it would be a good idea to go to your own doc and have a physical, telling him or her about all of this. My doc - after offering me a medal, prescribed a really good anti-depressant for me and it worked great the last time I was taking care of M&D.
Good luck, Kimmy. It seems that everyone on this site knows exactly what you're going through. We don't mind listening to you vent.
Kimmy... lmao...
Chill, Tommy...