Well, I have been taking care of my mom with dementia and working two jobs, plus have a brother and sister that are handicapped that live in our house as well. My brother has a caregiver during the day and my sister and I take care (mostly my sister because I have back problems) of him in the evening. I am the only one that drives, does the finances, gets the pills, runs all the errands, plus works a full time job plus a part time job.
So, everytime I do something it is either not enough or not good enough. Example - my sister had a shopping list of stuff, but didnt include hot dog buns. I didnt know what meals she was planning for the week (my fault I know). Anyway, I got everything on the list, plus stuff my brother wanted, and my Moms perscriptions.
I get home and my sister says "well I guess we will eat hot sausage on bread". Not oh I forgot to add hot dog buns to the list, etc. etc. So frustrating.
Well, last night I got home from work, mom started her routine of telling me how old she is (71) and asking how old I am (43). She has some kind of fixation on age...anyway, she comments its hot in here...five minutes later its cold in here. We go through this daily.
She complained that the light in the hallway we leave on at night is too bright. So, I was trying to find a way to put a lampshade or something on it and here I am up on a chair on my tippy toes trying to figure out how to fix this and she starts asking - what are you doing why are you doing that. Meanwhile, she has dizzy spells and has complaining about being dizzy all day and she is up out of her chair walking toward me. I am trying to keep my balance myself and trying to get her to sit down. She just keeps yelling at me.
I finally yelled back at her and said Mom hush up and sit down for a minute. She flipped on me and I couldnt stop myself. I just went off. I told her I am tired of working so much and coming home and worrying about who is going to be mad at me. I am tired of walking on eggshells and that I wasn't doing anything for anyone any more. With that I made sure she was sitting in her chair and I locked myself in my bedroom.
I didnt leave her by herself. My sister was there with her.
When I went back out to apologize they were both upset with me.
I feel so bad for lashing out, but this is so hard and I feel so unappreciated. But I realize that it isnt their fault that I am the only one healthy enough to do this, so I shouldnt get upset with them. But boy is it rough and I feel like a complete meany ignorant person.....
I care for my mom much, much better than any freaking nurse around, thanks, and so do most of the people here. I'm TRYING to get my mom into a facility as we speak, using HER assets. The hold up? All those wonderful, beautiful TRAINED doctors refusing to give me the note to declare her incompetent. I didn't realize you had to have a degree to notice that about my mom. Evidently the docs need more training themselves since they can't decide to give me that note. Maybe they, unlike you, just don't freaking realize an end stage alz patient needs 24/7 care that I freaking provided the last 6 of my UNTRAINED years, and don't WANT to provide anymore....that THEY'RE trying to FORCE me into taking on again, by calling me and telling me I HAVE to come get my mom from the hospital when I called 911 to get her because my own health was in danger, because I've been doing such a STELLAR job around the clock, by MYSELF, 365 days a years with minimal help from anybody! Taken care of 'correctly'? Who the hell are YOU kidding? Sheesh! Whatever. . I can personally do without your kind of so called advice thanks.
people that ARE NOT Trained to take care of people that are Elderly..need to stop
the yelling and using them to get by on..They need be in a Nursing Home for 24/7 care. and that is if YOU AREN"T TRAINED THEN LET THEM BE TAKEN CARE OF
CORRECTLY instead of making it always about yourself ! very simple&a FACT.
Omg. Really? 'Stop the yelling and USING them to get by on'... What the hell planet are you from? And where do you get the hell off making such comments? You don't know jack about most people's situations around here. My mom dogged me, yeah, SHE did, for over a year to get ME to live with HER. When I moved in with certain understandings about her care, she changed the rules as soon as she had me in her clutches. I paid HER the vast majority of MY paychecks the first 5 years I was here, caring for HER and HER house, and yeard, and dog, and rental properties and...yeah. . She also demanded, yes, demanded, the vast majority of my tax refunds as well. I had a life outside here, I was renting a little house I was happy with. What she pulled on me amounted to extortion. Who was using who to get by on what? My mom didn't WANT to be in a nursing home, understand? She wanted to stay HERE. She refused to give either myself of my son POA in case something happened, claiming 'nothing ever would'. By the time she couldn't make her own decisions, I was STUCK here with her, without money of my own because it all went to HER, get it?
My sister has brain damage. She is not able to work, but she is able to take care of my mom and brother when I am not around.
My car had a lot of miles on it, so I had to get a new car so I have a car payment that again - I PAY FOR WITH MY OWN MONEY NOT MY FAMILIES.
I am venting - looking for help, a little compassion, but advise. I am trying to keep my family together.
I am a Nurse..and i read these posts like it is about them not the one who is obviously not getting the care they need..so perhaps common sense should apply..as I am here to help those that have to figure out that what they are doing spending time asking for someone to post back what is Common Sense. for the Elderly to get the correct caretakers.
you would feel the same way if u had an Elderly parent..in need of correct care.
I don' see the Elderly write..as a Advocate ..I am helping give sound advice.
YOU feel like a complete 'meany'..are you kidding me? I'd have gone off a hell of a long time ago on your sister, and wouldn't have felt in the least bit bad about it. She should be on her knees thanking God for what your do for everyone, not giving you crap about HER oversight. Sheesh! I'm starting to feel very, very happy that I don't have siblings...if that's how it is, who needs them? Just...ugh....
Don't sweat it. Next time, tell your sister that you're not psychic and if SHE forgets to add something to a list, to STFU when she doesn't get it.
Me and Jinx...same idea, different attitude about it.
In this life, I've learned that when you've tried going down the 'nice' road for awhile and talking reasonably(and you should try that route first) and it doesn't work, only thing left is to be a bitch. Sometimes people just walk all over 'nice', sad to say..
I shout back, say yes mum,leave,and the next day im back there and it starts all over again.So i say to you, dont feel guilty if u need to let off steam to make you feel better.You are doing a good job, considering that you are hoding down two jobs.Im surprised you still can do that,your cup runneth over.Hugs to you.
Is there a way to let out a "little" anger in bits, so you don't blow up? None of us - at least few of us - really enjoy blowing up. It makes us feel like children who can't control ourselves. I at least feel more proud of myself when I find a way to vent my anger in small ways that might improve the situation.
Does your sister have emotional issues, or could you respond to a dig about the hot dog rolls? "Sis, that hurt my feelings! I worked, then shopped, and I'm tired. I didn't know you wanted the rolls, and I can't read your mind."
I had an issue with my father once during a power outage. He was freaking out while I was trying to report the problem and locate flashlights and batteries. I said - hard but not outright nasty - "Daddy, I'm busy trying to handle this situation. I need you to be calm and to shut up so I can do that. Please CALM DOWN!" He realized that he COULD trust me, and did shut up.
If I were being the perfect wise person I wish I was, I would have gotten down from that chair, and said, "Mom, I'm putting a shade on that light so it won't bother you. I'm afraid I might fall down, so I'm trying to be extra careful. Can you help me by sitting down until I'm through?"
If you can say, from time to time, "I'm doing the best I can here. Can you cut me a little slack?" and maybe repeat it until they hear it, life might be better for all of you. Easy to say, hard to do.
So, I guess the bottom line is that you have worth as a person and it's okay to take care of yourself. I know for me that the caregiving situation with my Grandad has been a wake-up call for me. If I don't learn to value myself and take care of myself people will continue to step all over me. It's okay to step out of the roles we've taken on in the family and start giving our lives value. I'm not saying that no one else matters or that we don't love the people in our families. I'm just saying that we matter, too, and it's okay if we give ourselves as much love and attention as we do to others.
I had to organize my dad's requests, I did what I could but I often had items on the list for the next day. It sounds like you are trying to do too much. Whatever the others can do --have them do it. Sounds like you are doing everything and that will frustrate anyone. Even if it is something small, like folding laundry --give them something to do. They will be happier if they are busy and not always thinking how you screwed up. When all else failed I would tell my dad the "complaint dept" had closed for the day. That I was doing the best I could and it would not always be perfect. He usually sad he was sorry for being critical. Really he was upset that he couldn't perform the task himself.
Good luck, Get some rest, See if you can get paid respite care too.
Liz