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Well, I have been taking care of my mom with dementia and working two jobs, plus have a brother and sister that are handicapped that live in our house as well. My brother has a caregiver during the day and my sister and I take care (mostly my sister because I have back problems) of him in the evening. I am the only one that drives, does the finances, gets the pills, runs all the errands, plus works a full time job plus a part time job.

So, everytime I do something it is either not enough or not good enough. Example - my sister had a shopping list of stuff, but didnt include hot dog buns. I didnt know what meals she was planning for the week (my fault I know). Anyway, I got everything on the list, plus stuff my brother wanted, and my Moms perscriptions.

I get home and my sister says "well I guess we will eat hot sausage on bread". Not oh I forgot to add hot dog buns to the list, etc. etc. So frustrating.

Well, last night I got home from work, mom started her routine of telling me how old she is (71) and asking how old I am (43). She has some kind of fixation on age...anyway, she comments its hot in here...five minutes later its cold in here. We go through this daily.

She complained that the light in the hallway we leave on at night is too bright. So, I was trying to find a way to put a lampshade or something on it and here I am up on a chair on my tippy toes trying to figure out how to fix this and she starts asking - what are you doing why are you doing that. Meanwhile, she has dizzy spells and has complaining about being dizzy all day and she is up out of her chair walking toward me. I am trying to keep my balance myself and trying to get her to sit down. She just keeps yelling at me.

I finally yelled back at her and said Mom hush up and sit down for a minute. She flipped on me and I couldnt stop myself. I just went off. I told her I am tired of working so much and coming home and worrying about who is going to be mad at me. I am tired of walking on eggshells and that I wasn't doing anything for anyone any more. With that I made sure she was sitting in her chair and I locked myself in my bedroom.

I didnt leave her by herself. My sister was there with her.

When I went back out to apologize they were both upset with me.

I feel so bad for lashing out, but this is so hard and I feel so unappreciated. But I realize that it isnt their fault that I am the only one healthy enough to do this, so I shouldnt get upset with them. But boy is it rough and I feel like a complete meany ignorant person.....

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They are coming out here for my mom's memorial and burial next week (she is my Mom's sister) - we still have the hospital bed & all the "stuff" she'll need, so my place is the best place for them to stay. I'm looking foward to their visit!
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purple, and your cousin is very fortunate to have your support! There are probably many of us that wish we had supportive family like you!
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My aunt had a stroke several years ago - my cousin, a male, has been her caregiver ever since. He has given up his life for his mom, and since she is paralyzed on her left side, that says a LOT about what his life is now like. I have nothing but respect and admiration for what he does for his Mom.
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I lost it with my Mother when I found her cleaning the kitty liter with my favorite cooking spoon. I have bought her 3 tools for scooping the liter but she wants to always use my favorite spoon. So I just gave her the spoon and went and bought the most expensive cooking spoon that I could find and made sure I told her how much it cost. One thing she has not forgotten is how much she loves money. Of course I had to sit around while she told all the family members how I "over reacted" just because she was scooping cat poop with my cooking utensils. Oh well.......
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OMG, Jessie, I do see that all his previous posts on this thread have the new name and avatar! Thank you for pointing that out. But he couldn't change his words! AHA!! We've still got him pegged.
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Orange, I just noticed his name changed here on the thread. The avatar also changed. I believe the story line changed some, but I'm not sure. Activity is private. I think Kimmy had the best idea for the group -- ignore.
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Nice Jessie and Garza and Orange. The best way to handle is to ignore. :-)

Thanks everyone for the comments. What would we do without our parents and what would they do without us?
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Jessie, how did you find out about the change of profile?
Garza, I just looked up TROLL. On the internet, basically someone who deliberately sends negative messages (particularly on a forum or blog), to antagonize the other posters and stir up trouble. In fokelore, trolls delight in stirrring up trouble and watching the turmoil that ensues (like pranksters). Evidently this type of activity led to the saying: "Don't feed the trolls!" Unfortunately, I and several others did exactly that, and rather vehemently.
I believe our best bet in the future is to totally ignore this person and hopefully he will go away. The fact that he changed profiles make me all the more suspicious of him.
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Re Tommy's abusive posts: Has anyone ever heard of a T-R-O-L-L?
garza
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I understand completely. You need a break. We try to see them as they were when we were young; our parents - intelligent and coherent. When these terrible remarks are made, we are split. One part of us gives it credence, and the other part tries to cope with the new person they are. Since we still see them as authority figures, the critism cuts deep, but when we try to realize that they are very ill, and they don't understand what they are saying, it makes it a little easier to digest. My mother has sworn at me in public, and humilates me. She pulls guilt trip, and the stress is incredible. Since, she is in a dementia care unit, it gives me the opportunity to leave and "cool off," if I feel she is getting me too upset. I was once told that you do your parent no good if you are in a bad mood. I really think you need a break. Good luck with mom and all things you are dealing with.
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Kimmy and to say nothing of arrogance!
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Interesting.
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1Tommy is now Medina4. The profile is private, but I don't think the person should be taken seriously from what I do see. Of course, that could change in a few minutes since profiles can be edited just as usernames can be.
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Im sorry for my comment to Tommy, but aren't we on here for support and not ignorant comments. I am not talking about constructive criticism. Tell me what I am doing incorrectly, but not in an ignorant way. Disagree with me, but respect me because I am a person just like you and have feelings as well.
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Yes, indeed, Captain...I agree with you. My son Sean is awesome with my mom. There are men out there that are the compassionate, loving types. You're a warrior with honor, Cap, and so are all the other men out there that step up. :)
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my mother wanted me with her because in her words, " i was sometimes gullible but i have a spine " . im sure women are great caregivers but the male carers are a growing number.
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Tommy, do you relate to Bronn? lol Well, hello. I'm Tyrion. I hope you feel me on that one! :D
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Poor Toms...I sent you a hug, Tommy... :)
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If you don't pay tommy any attention by answering him he will lose interest. Ignore him.
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Omg. Tommy's avatar looks like Bronn from Game Of Thrones. If it is, it figures the one fan I find on here...well, forget it...

Kimmy... lmao...

Chill, Tommy...
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1Tommy - please don't ever reply nor post anything to my wall again. You are very ignorant and arrogant and I don't appreciate that. Do it again and I will see what I need to do to get you off of this site.
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I think maybe part of the problem here is that Tommy is a man, that explains 99.9% of his issue of understanding. And some day he just might, so until then he will wonder aimlessly around in his own world not knowing what reality most of you/us are dealing with. most men (not all) would rather not deal with any of these issues, let alone talk about it. so Tommy should just go back to his world of so-called nursing (I wonder what type of nurse)?
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Look, its appropriate to set firm limits and give firm directions when needed for safety, and your mom obviously is just not used to that. You were not wrong to "blow up" a little and make it clear that your patience is not endless. It should not have to be. The people you are caring for may have limitations, but they may be at least partially able to grasp that you are a person and not a doormat. I hope things start going better.
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There are men on here that do just as much, if not more, for their elders than us women do...they are just not as vocal as we are about it! ;) I've seen more judgy "advice" from women then men actually.
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Got to stick up for the men. What about Eddie and the Captain? It's true that most caregivers are women, and we are expected to do it, but the men who are doing a good job understand and deserve as much praise as if they were women. Also, there are some women who get all high and mighty and judgy.
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orange, and the abuse we deal with may be infrequent from some of our parents, but there are many of us that in order to do this are subjected to financial abuse by siblings that only worry about what will be left for them when mom passes. They keep their lives, while many of us give up or lose everything.
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Kimmy, I can relate to your situation, but try to remember, you are not running for sainthood here, you are just trying to do your best in a difficult situation. I am fortunate, I guess, because my sibs and I take turns caring for our 90-year-old parents who suffer from a host of minor ailments - including dementia - that prevent them from being able to handle the basic tasks of everyday living. But even though we share this responsibility, each sib is at Mom & Dad's for several weeks at a time, and has 24/7 responsibility. We all know this could go on for YEARS, as longevity runs in our family.

But the caregiving responsibility can wear on you. You do the best you can, and yet somebody says it isn't enough. In our case, it's usually Mom who whines or criticizes. She frequently doesn't want to get out of bed, but instead wants to be waited on hand and foot. If we could somehow go to the bathroom for her, she would demand that too.

So I think each of us has our moments when she gets on our last nerve. I consider my visit a great success if I only yell at her once a week. Of course, when I get into it with Mom, then Dad feels the need to yell at ME for yelling at Mom. I've found in my case that it helps me hold my temper if, when she starts in complaining, I calmly suggest that if the accommodations here in her home are not to her liking, I would be happy to find a care facility staffed 24/7 with trained medical professionals who will come when summoned.

Mom also plays a game with home health care people who come in, telling them how awful her daughters are and how badly we treat her. The first few times this happened, I blew up at her right in front of the nurse. But then I realized that made me look really bad. So, once again, when she starts in with HHC workers I calmly tell her - in front of the nurse - that if life at home with her daughters is soooo bad, then perhaps the nice nurse can recommend a care facility where she will have trained medical professionals at her beck and call 24/7.

As for your sibs, since I don't know what their particular disabilities are, the only thing I can suggest is when they criticize you, just say, "Fine. I won't do the grocery shopping anymore. You can take care of that." Or leave the house and go to a movie, etc. Obviously you can leave them alone when you're at work, why not go out and play?

Don't kill yourself for your family members. Maybe it would be a good idea to go to your own doc and have a physical, telling him or her about all of this. My doc - after offering me a medal, prescribed a really good anti-depressant for me and it worked great the last time I was taking care of M&D.

Good luck, Kimmy. It seems that everyone on this site knows exactly what you're going through. We don't mind listening to you vent.
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They think they know it all, sound familiar? And want to tell everyone how to "fix" things.
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Pardon my sexist comment, but it seems the men on here are the ones that have no clue what 24/7 care of a parent means. WhiteKnight and Tommy1 are two of them. There must be more.
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quote from Tommy:
"people that ARE NOT Trained to take care of people that are Elderly..need to stop
the yelling and using them to get by on..They need be in a Nursing Home for 24/7 care. and that is if YOU AREN"T TRAINED THEN LET THEM BE TAKEN CARE OF
CORRECTLY instead of making it always about yourself ! very simple&a FACT"

Are you for real? If this post is your idea of being supportive and helpful to overwhelmed caretakers, heaven protect us from NURSES like you..

Garza


"
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