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I need guidance and support. I cannot handle my ungrateful mother any more. I am divorced and work full time and spent everyday taking care of her needs. She lived with my cousin for a few years and she couldn't take it anymore. She was kicked out of Senior Housing for vandalism. My brother is a bum and lives in another State. My children are all grown and I don't share the burden with them. I'm 61, when is my turn to live? I am about to tell her she has to leave and she is 88. I truly do not like her. Help!

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I have been a caregiver for my elderly mother for many years. She is 101 years old and over the past few years has lost most of her mobility. She is often negative, ungrateful and without regard for me or my husband. I feel as though she treats everything we do for her as nothing. We are trying to keep her in our home as she cannot afford assisted living. Not being totally destitute, she does not qualify in home care or assistance. We have very few good days when she is not critical and ungrateful. They seem to be getting fewer as time goes bye. I try to keep positive and treat her with kindness, but it is getting more and more difficult. We pray each day for the strength to keep going as we realize that this is a temporary situation at this point. I only hope that I can remember the better times and not let the past few years ruin any good memories I have of our time together. I feel sympathy for the other caregivers posted above. As bad as some of my days can be, I am fortunate to have a wonderful, supportive husband. Faith that I am providing her with a much better life than she would have without our help. And, comfort in knowing that we are doing the right thing in caring for our elderly parent.
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Exhausted52, are you still posting? Wondering how it is going with your Mom. I am interested in what you have decided to do. Other posts lately seem to be new situations, not necessarily related to your original post. Can you give us an update. Hope all is well with you. Take care.
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My Mother grabbed the keys to the car while I was taking a short nap. I am knew what she was doing but I am soooo tired of policing her. I actually waited on my bed for my Mom to drive thru the garage and kill me. I think I was hoping for that. Anyways of course she could not even find the ignition switch, came into where I was trying to get a little time, thru the keys at me and stated "I cannot find the where this key goes into the car!" I told her that her license has been suspended for almost 2 years so why is she getting in the car anyway. I usually do not join in these circular arguments with her but I have just had it. I do not think that I can do this anymore.
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for Linda5 - you asked a great question but it doesn't seem to need it was really part of this thread and the answers to your dilemma are going to get buried under an unrelated heading. Next can you have a great question, consider starting at a new topic.

Meanwhile, my solutions when my mom was experiencing this problem were Depends ladies' pull ups - as butterfly suggested - (Walmart, Target and Walgreens also have less expensive generic versions that were just as absorbent as the Depends, but the padding was bulkier and my mom didn't like the fit as well) and a fitted waterproof mattress pad - similar to what ladee mentioned - ( I always got mine at Walmart and had already been using them on my own bed because I had a menagerie of animals and a couple of cats that liked to pee on my bedding: I had three mattress pads that I rotated so I could strip the bed when an accident had occurred and had a fresh dry one to put back on immediately).

Then I use one more thing that was helpful but not until I found the right one. At Target, I bought a washable localized mattress pad. About 3 by 4 feet that sits directly under the tush area. Wrong! It was flimsy and bunched up under her. She hated it. I was actually looking for the type a protective padding to used at the skilled nursing facility she had stayed in when she got out of the hospital. Just about the same size but definitely thicker: textured (not as slippery) vinyl on one side and white quilted padding on the other, washable of course. I tried to find them online at a store where I could just go in and buy them. No luck! I finally found exactly what I wanted, which were pads exactly like the nursing home had had, at Dr Leonard's.com and they were perfect.

At the nursing home, they would use these with or without a diaper depending on the patient's needs. At home, I would simply place one over the sheets for my mom in the early stages. She was wearing Depends to but sometimes she would speak them off. Most of the time unless we had overlap where her tush got off the pad, all we had to do was change your depends and change pad. As time we're on, she sometimes didn't like the pad so I solved that problem by placing the pad under the sheet. Then when there was an accident, I also had to change the sheet as well as the underpad. Still easier than changing the whole bed every time.
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"Baqche02" Welcome!!! I'm sorry but the gun to head for 12hrs was better than my mom's lies (Oops, doc said say confused/hullucinating etc..., not lies); I had to laugh out loud..(sorry).
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Oh, and key to her house...But I forced myself into her home/broke in....Wow, it gets better and better everyday.."Got to Love Her". I think I can write a book on this subject right about now....
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Re: tommy1 - I agree somewhat with captain, tommy didn't say anything atrocious but his answers often seem to lean toward being concerned about the abuse mentality. If you read his profile, he has stated that up front and also that he is taking care of a friend. So it looks like he needs support as well, as all of us do, but that he has had or heard about some pretty horrific abuse experiences.

This site isn't all about women taking care of their mothers but, tommy, please try sharing your actual experiences and how YOU came to your way of thinking
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I try hard not to let what my mom say bother me, but my bro (live w/her) was just at my house venting...and he went on and on (good points, and I don't ever mind him venting, and it's def needed w/her); but why mom telling all these lies. My bro told me my mom was just over there on the phone telling relatives, I broke in her house an stole all her important papers ie..deed to house, her will etc...out her house. Mind you, I live 3 blocks away, got a key to her car, her room and know where everything is in her house (important papers are in her closet lock box..she don't know how to open it anymore)....but why did I have to break in..LOL.
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i didnt see where tommy said anything rude or brash. old age and uncertain circumstances will happen to us all. my sons are thoughtless and hateful towards me now, cant imagine them giving a s**t when im aged and ill..
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I agree, you should be living now... My mom is 86, and as of yesterday, she told me to "Get Out, And Don't Come Back"...Me: "OK, no problem, love you, bye". I realize it's the demensia, so I always try to find a lil humor to cope, but really do still love her, as I know you still love your mom too. I worked/and still do, and came by to visit her daily since 07'; My bro moved in w/her 2011, so it's not as bad on me anymore; but I truelly understand where your coming from. My bro (65) threatens to find himself a seniors apt every other day/wk; so it's getting harder on him...and eventually we might have to make other living arrangements.... but we're still trying to hang..w/her request of staying in her house.
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Linda5 .. some suggestions:
.. Get a water repellent mattress pad (so that the urine cannot leak into the mattress)
.. there are paper and cloth 'chucks' (usually square or rectangular shaped repellent backed quilted cloths) for directly under her body, to catch the majority. You can use these under and/or over the sheet
.. there are washable 'incontinence underwear' that are fairly absorbent, but won't 'catch' a full bladder release and don't feel quite so bulky as the pads
.. it's even better for her (not for YOUR sleep, but .. ) if you can figure out what time she's likely peeing and coax her to get up for the toilet
.. if you can figure out when she pees at night, work timewise backwards, and stop fluids so that her last pee is just before bed (but do NOT reduce the amounts of fluids, that's bad, too)
.. if she's got enough presence of mind, help her do kegels (Yes, it's possible to help retrain the bladder. The easiest method I know is to stop/start the stream of pee.)
.. there are meds that help incontinence (at least at the beginning), both topical and oral; consult your GP or a Urologist
.. do NOT yell at her .. it only adds to everyone's stress level. She's embarrassed enough as it is (it's why she refuses to wear the pads, really), and you're stressed enough
.. read these threads:
. . . . https://www.agingcare.com/articles/bed-wetting-in-Elderly-Seniors-133823.htm
. . . . https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/incontinence-136291.htm
. . . (there are several more .. do a site search for "bedwetting")

GOOD luck and blessings!
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Oh, Linda5, you do have a situation. Are you using the women's Depends or other brand of pull up panties? My sister decided to use them and she is not incontinent, but sometimes "leaks". She loves them and they actually feel like underwear, they have a wide thick pad to soak lots. My other advice - put a plastic sheet - a shower curtain will do - or a waterproof mattress pad directly under her sheet. Some of them are soft enough to lay right on top. Definitely look for something to keep the mattress dry and the mattress pad too. You can buy plastic table cloth too, anything that works. Would she listen to you if you told her that she would not be wet and it would help you a lot if she did wear the underwear. You have a tough road ahead if she won't cooperate. Perhaps she needs to see her doctor - she may have a bladder or kidney infection which could be the culprit. Also nothing to drink after 6 p.m. depending on her bedtime might help too. Take care, and yes, this site is amazing for all to reach out in a positive, helpful, non-judgmental way. We are all walking a different walk with our loved ones, and doing the best we can with what we know and have available and yet we're all caregivers. "God bless us everyone", as Tiny Tim would say. xxxooo
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How do I get my 85 yr old mother to wear a pad at bedtime? Last week she
wet herself and the bed for the first time. I spent the whole day washing sheets,
the bedspread and the mattress pad.The next night she slept with a pad and the next morning it was soaked. I prasied her for wearing it, the same thing happen the next night. Tonight she refused to put one on. She said she hated
wearing them and I could not make her. I have bought different brands and types but she complains about the all. I am at my witts end.
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WOW, what a great place to talk to others on issues of our mother's. My sister and I are both trying to deal with a difficult mother ourselves. I totally understand what I've read by others. Our mother has been mean all her life, and some of things she's done to, not only her 2 daughters, but also to others. My sister and I are both TRYING to do the right thing by her, but it's hard sometimes. Mother is now in a nursing home to where at least she's safe. She was living on her own, but was doing all sorts of weird things, hearing voices coming through the smoke alarm, thinking people were outside her home, calling the police at least 3 times a week, and the final straw was saying that my sister's husband had been holding a gun to her head for 12 hours while she was on her knees. In her mind they were all real, but to us, "we got a real problem here" that needs to be dealt with. Thank you all for starting this blog, I can find real help here. Good luck to everyone with their own mothers, the support here is what I've been looking for.
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I agree with others on here concerning 1 Tommy. He obviously isn't "one of us".
We women are expected to deal with the elderly and often the male relatives don't even believe the caretakers stories. (been there). Yep, you are on the wrong site guy.
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Yes 1Tommy, it will probably happen to us one day also. But your comment is a bit harsh, as were other very short comments you have made on other blogs on this site. This is a support forum, and I wonder if you are actually involved in the care of an elder? I do not recall seeing you relate any of your experiences either.

Exhausted: As Emjo and SelfSib have stated your time to live is NOW. You are 61 and you've paid your dues big-time. If you are unwilling to see assistance from your children or homehealthcare services, then it is probably time to put her into an NH. She is 88 and it won't get any better. However, as others have said, a complete physical/mental eval would be advisable before taking that step. In the meantime you need a break. Your Mom has Medicare, and possibly a seconday Medigap policy and/or a Long Term Care policy? You are entitled to some assistance that these policies can provide. When you take her to the doctor, also ask for a script to call for a home health evalutation by a home care agency. Be there during the eval. The nurse will help you establish a plan of care (what they can do, what you can do, what your Mom needs, etc.) and they will coordinate with the medical insurers. Take this help. You are entitled. If you have truly reached the end of your rope, then consider the NH. It would be the kindest route for both of you.
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I am in the same situation, just about the same age. What I have done is give my siblings a day that I will be leaving. I have been here 2 years - have done my part. I did not spring it on anyone, we have 6-9 months to find my Mother an assisted living. I just cannot do this anymore, she is driving me mad and I can feel myself losing patience. Not good for either of us. So sad and hard...... good luck......you do deserve to get your life back.
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Please contact her doctor for a complete evaluation, i.e. blood work, CT scan to see what is going on in her body/head. There is definitely something that needs attention, and you also need to take care of yourself first. I can only relate this because I've been through it too and there are some meds that can help control her behavior, settle her down and give you some peace. Bless you and keep us posted on what happens. But a doctor visit for her would be my best advice; and some respite for you also. Maybe it is time to let your children know that could use some help if they live near you or close enough to come and help out. Maybe their visits would help your Mom too. Since we don't know all the dynamics, this is purely off the top of my head. Their visits would surely be help to you. xxxooo
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Your mom needs a neuro psych evaluation. If she was stealing things in her senior living environment, there's something mentally wrong which could include early dementia. That could explain a lot.

You can't keep up the schedule you been maintaining. Seems like you've been the end of the road for her and maybe you feel a little bit guilty about being the one who actually places her in a nursing home. But please be aware that nursing home placement is not necessarily the end of her management for you.

If you end up being the one in charge of her medical needs or her person (by way off HPOA or conservatorship / guardianship), you will still need to supervise her care at the home and with her doctors. If she is not living with you, you will be less tired and more clear headed in your dealings with them and it should improve the quality of interface you have with her.

Just do your best - that's all that should be expected of anyone.
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1Tommy - you sound like YOU need help! I am all about protecting the elderly and calling out elderly abuse. Maybe you had a bad experience with that. Sorry. But no one said anything about abuse here! Get on ur high horse and ride out of here.

Exhausted - when is it your time to live? The day you decide it is. We don't realize that many times, our answers lie within. I care for my narcissistic mother and angry demented father. It's a nightmare. But I've decided it is their nightmare. My mother will never live with me. My dad is in a NH, I visit twice a week and do his laundry. Sad? Absolutely, but I didn't create this situation. They did by not planning for their future. Ugh. I do what I can, then I put my own family and myself first. I would follow Emjo's advise. She is awesome and right on target. Write us more so we can help.

xo
-SS
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Who cares for your Mom when you work all day? Do caregivers come in and take care of her needs? My vote is to find her a NH where she will be with others her age. If she gets out of hand there, they know how to handle the situation. Don't waste anymore of your time trying to care for a parent you can't handle. It is the compassionate thing to do. If you are not a nurse and have not been trained to deal with MH issues, dementia, etc., then do Mom a favor and move her out. Best of luck to you.
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Your Mom needs you..and she needs her Medicines.
it will happen to you when u get Old.
Be understanding or send her to a home where they can keep her safe.
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(((((((hugs))))) Your time to live is now. Please consult with the local Agency on Aging and Social services regarding making a care plan and alternate arrangements for your mother. It sounds like you are burned out, and possibly looking after your mum's "wants" as well as her "needs". Some people become more self centered (narcissistic) as they get older and very demanding, and some were like that all along. If she was kicked out of senior housing for vandalism then it sounds like she has some serious mental health problems. You might contact the local mental health agency as well. These agencies should have some suggestions for you. Can you speak with her doctor as well? There are others on this site who have had to have a parent removed from their home. Social Services helped them do this once they knew the full picture. This sounds like much too much for you to continue. I understand,, as my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism and is developing more paranoia, and I could not possibly have her in my home. She is in assisted living and, though a bit of a trial to the staff, so far so good. Please take care of you - whatever you have to do, look after your own needs and let us know how it develops. more ((((((hugs)))))
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Wow... Do I relate with you! You aren't alone! As I reconnect with school friends we are all going through similar situations. My age and her age are in the same ball park as yours. I know this doesn't sound like much, but I have found listening to affirmation ans guided imagery has done a lot to help me. A speaker named Belleruth Naperstek has the best ones. If you are a Kaiser member, you can get them for free. If not, you can find them on the net. My love and prayers go to you... Stay strong...
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Wow, you sound totally frustrated and it may get worse. You need help fast. She may have some underlying conditions that should be addressed by a Doctor. One thing I found out that when people get older they can become quite aggitated with everything. They get depressed and find ways of acting out like needing attention. You should start working on a plan and use your community resources for the aged. They should to provide some recommendations. You have to start living again it's important for your well being. I hope you find a solution soon.
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