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Google 'caregiver burnout' and see what you find...you will find a great deal of sites that want you to 'take care of yourself, rest up and find the time to gather the strength to carry on' Big deal. What about the sites that show how angry you are? What about all those sites that tell you that it's ok to fight and yell and scream and hate your life because everyone around you talks about how great theirs is??? There are a million advice sites that tell you to go take a walk, go get some retails therapy and basically tell you up the wazoo to 'take time for yourself' but what about the sites where you can write about how really miserable you are? The sites about how no matter how much you've done for the person you got stuck caring for that they still tell you that you don't do anything for them, that you are completely selfish and a terrible person for thinking about no one but yourself? Show me the websites that say it's OK to wish the person you're caring for would die because you see no other way out of this life. Where are the sites that say it's ok if you really wanna scream at the person you're caring for about how fucking LUCKY they are to have you there? Show me those. There are a million sites that say, breathe and find your inner strength to carry on but what if you have none left? We're supposed to be moving out in a month and yet nothing has been done and no decisions have been made which is really tangling with the notion of making me stay but I refuse. Show me a site that tells me 1. Not to feel guilty 2.one that tells me that my siblings are rotten selfish individuals for not helping me all these years 3. one that tells me its ok to think about MYSELF for a change 4. one that doesn't tell me what a saint I am for doing this...

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You found the right site! We get it here! Vent away, dear harleighkwin.

You may get a response that tells you you are a saint, and you may get a response or two that calls you selfish (often on religious grounds), but mostly you are among people who know what it is like to be at the end of your patience and endurance. Scream here. It's as safe a place as you are going to find.
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Thanks Jeanne...every once in a while it gets hard and it hits you...you say to yourself 'this is really not my life' when it really is...you don't wish the person you're caring for to die deep down but you are so tired and not sleeping and not eating and worried you can't help it
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While I was reading your question, I kept saying in my head - this site! What I really like about it is that you can be anonymous. I live in such a small island, just to even mention the name of it - family will know it's me. So, I keep all pertinent personal information private. I can now vent and vent and hopefully it won't come back to hit me in the behind.

If you just want to Vent like you just did (and I did lastnight), there is a discussion thread about "Venting." You can read all other caregiver's vents that you have just mentioned! Over and Over. If you just want to comment on how you're doing today (sad, depress, lonely, etc..) there is a thread on "The Caregiver...How are YOU?" Please, feel free to jump around and click on the different discussions. I do this all time. Most don't apply to me but I still love to read the "solutions" to the problems.

If you have siblings, you will see the difference between venting with family vs. venting with fellow caregivers! Welcome! (FYI, I just found this site in June of this year. I was at the end of my rope and I learned a LOT.)
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Yes, you have found the right place. Being a caregiver is a very difficult job. It's so confining and exhausting. If you have a crabby, difficult person to care for, it's that much worse and if you have family members who leave you holding the bag, it's that much worse again.

How old are you and how long have you been taking care of your GM? Are you living with her and planning to move out. Not sure if I understood your post about moving in a month.

Give us some more details and we will certainly respond. You might learn of some help you didn't know was available or you just might realize that your not alone.

Stay with us. Hugs, Cattails
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Harleigh, welcome to Aging Care. Like Bookworm said, you have found the place. Bookworm mentioned "The caregiver...How are you?" thread which is a spin-off of the "Grossed Out" thread. Both threads are made up of terrific people that truly understand all the crap (figuratively and literally) that a caregiver faces everyday. We look forward to hearing more from you.
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Cat, you and I must have posted at the same time. Harleigh, Cattails is one of the many wise people on this site!
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Harleigh: Just look at Dtflex's picture. Does it remind you of your life? It is the one thing that instantly makes me laugh on this sight. Again, you've come to the right place. Diane's (Dtflex) story is more than you could imagine. You are home. Cattails
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Wow! Your post just made me join. I feel the same way. I am tired of being called a saint and praised for what I do. Sometimes I think it comes from my siblings to encourage me to continue because God Knows they will not lift a finger to help or pay a dime to find an alternative.
Ugh. I love my dad and truly feel awful that he is ill and losing so much. But I have lost my home, retirement, career, social life & now my health is suffering. And I am broke.
The past few days he has started pushing & hitting me. He has a broken neck, among other problems and he could easily fall doing this and die.
I am at wits end.
I am truly wishing the best for you, Harleigh. It helps to write it out and know that someone else out there at least understands.
Thanks
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I only just joined this site a couple days ago and I'm learning, through you as much as through the veteran posters here, that this site is indeed it. Oh, and thanks for saying everything that has so many times run through my head. Now I don't need to vent LOL! I'm sure I'm going to get some flak for saying this next, but there have been times (recently in fact) that my mom has called me a whore and told me I was selfish (things she's called me for as long as I've been old enough to understand angry insults). Said that I didn't care about anyone but myself. I then asked her, "Would you prefer living in a nursing home?" Most of the time that ends the tirade, even with her dementia she gets where I'm going with that one.
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Welcome, everyone is correct...just come here and let it all out. I have no real adivce other than I truly believe we are not required to to give up our life, health, marriage and/or happiness for anyone. Please check your local area for services that may be available to assist you in taking care of your loved one. God bless!
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Beezer, you are so on target with the being labeled a saint and being praised for what I only feel is the right thing to do. I don't do what I do for my mom so others will pat me on the back or feel sorry for me. I don't understand why they say the things they do other than they just don't know what else to say and I honestly believe it comes from those that couldn't do it if they were paid a celebrity's wage . Your siblings likely are those individuals. I had a neighbor that loved/lived to say “I feel sorry for you...” Was that malice? Sure felt like it.
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I am SO sorry for you and totally understand your post...so awesomely true!!
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I just told my husband last week that my life is over...no more Friday night dinners, spur of the moment movie dates...weekend outings with friends...my mother is here at our home now and I am caring for an adult 3 year old...I feel your pain and I know exactly what you are going through...one day at a time is what I keep telling myself...one day at a time....
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Although the time you have given for caretaking seemes an eternity - their passing doesn't end it...no matter how much you give - guilt takes over for what you didn't give...lost mother in June...in nursing home ...each stage is the most difficult - at least for me
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It's not right, is it? I've so often said to my mother that she needs to move in to our care, but now I'm very glad she's knocked us back each time. It wouldn't work! It doesn't work now and that's not even living with us, so NO I'm feeling your frustrations...each of you....Bless!
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You have definately come to the right site!!! You have not said one thing that I have not thought about and am struggling as I write this... EXACTLY RIGHT!!!
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Good advice Littletonway
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As those before me have said, "You've found the right site." You have found a family of people who are experiencing some of the same things you are experiencing - emotions, fatigue, frustration, a feeling of betrayal by others, etc. I found this site only a few months ago and it has been my salvation. Come to it daily and you will find the strength to go on from people who will encourage you. You can cry and vent all you want and we get it!! If you keep up with this group you will find all the answers to your questions and come to a place of peace (at least that has been my experience.)
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WWell guys so we made it home they stopped the treatment .so her family wanted us there so her we are on her parents 10, acres with horses and all I'm so thankful she has a.great.family they can help provide I think they were shocked when she put ice.cubes on her biscuit at dinner time thinking it.was.butter but i couldn't.think of.a.better place to be ...

I write more later lauras up. And on the move leg the.fun began because no matter our enviroment it doesn't change the care process ....good luck and god bless
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Harlieighkwin...welcome to the land of rants! Rant and scream and use all caps if you like...this is the place. I especially identify with the statement "you are a saint, you do such a wonderful job, awww, so sweet for you to take care of your mom,"...biggest bunch of bull I have ever heard...like a compliment is going to fix the situation we are in! I used to take my mom to church and that is when I would hear most of the "compliments"; it's one of the reasons I stopped going to church because I didn't want people to know me as "that nice lady who takes care of her mom". Never mind that I am a mother, a wife, a sister (to three brothers, who do NOTHING), a creative person who loves to cook, garden, paint, take photos, decorate, sew, knit, stitch, learn new things. I struggle everyday to remember who I am besides a caregiver. I have learned the art of detachment but sometimes I still get caught up in some stupid argument with a demented person...like when she says she is 14 years old and I try to convince her otherwise - or when I am cleaning her in the bathroom and she denies that she messed her diapers, that it was someone else...OMG, you can't help but laugh. Please come back and inspire us to "let it all out"!
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Haleigh, you hit the nail on the head! I just told my husband that God forgive me, but it is time for my parents to die. I can feel my life slipping away from me. All I hear from my sister-in-law is how wonderful her life is with my brother, who does nothing to help and their vacation plans, her many lunches with friends and how fab it is to go shopping for hours on end. Makes me want to puke. I hear my husband and sons say that I have changed. I am an angry person but yet they do nothing to help in visiting my dad. There is no reason to visit my mom now that she is in late stage Alzheimer's but they could have five years ago. I could have gotten some relief. I moved my parents closer to where I live so I could manage their care better. I am their POA and they would both be dead if it weren't for my many interventions on medical care. My mother has been in the hospital twice because of medication screw ups. I feel grateful that my dad saved his money and could afford ALF for himself and my mother. I feel guilty that I am even venting about this because of hearing all of the stories of parents living with their adult children or living at home and adult children caring for them. God, I can't even imagine. I am so sorry. Your siblings need a swift kick in the ass. There are more people than I thought who just cannot face the facts of life. Those of us who can are the ones who suffer the most. I can only hope God will touch our heads in heaven. Thank goodness I finally found a place to vent. Writing is good. It helps tremendously. Thanks. God bless us.
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I want to say amen to every statement you have said. I have two big gripes and one of them I share with you. I am soooo sick of hearing about my sister's life - the mountain home she has purchased, the work she is doing, the VOLUNTEER work she is doing for her community. And yet when will she comes for a visit - when the weather is cooler. When she visits it is vacation time, no help with taking care of mom. Boy did I feel every word of your rant.
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Hi harleighkwin, I can identify with most of what you are saying. tthe onlt diff is my sibling helps out. But I too get frustated when someone says your doing a fine job, god will bless you, or you need to get professional help( as if I'm going crazy). Or someone says oh your mom's house is so clean and smell so good, or you need to get up there and remove the dust bunnies. I work a full time job, I gave up my house, and I am so regretting I don't have a social life. I can't even attend church. I feel my life has no purpose. I don't post often, if I did I would be out here every day of the week. What has help me thru this journey of 14 years with my mom is praying. I try and take long walks and talk with God during this time. I know he hears me, once the walk is completed, my heavy heart is a little lighter.
Take care and may God bless you, and take advantage of this site, it will do you good.!
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You pretty much nailed it, Harleigh! My aunt is a pretty easy burden but she is a burden. My working life is ruined ... well, just about everybody who uses this website could say all the same stuff I could say about how the noble profession of caregiver has affected them. Everybody loves to hear about my aunt's cute sayings -- but nobody thinks to maybe drop off a casserole or a dessert, to help me with one lousy meal. Nobody offers to sit with her for an hour, so I can run do an errand. But they are quick to tell me what a saint I am. (Please leave 'love offerings' to St. Margie in the basket by the door). My parents, instead of thanking me for taking care of my mom's sister, can only grouse and complain that I'm "living like a queen on Ami's money." Yeah, right. A queen who is up nights trying to make the numbers come out. A queen who worries about every dime. Who has made a commitment and will honor it, but there is a price. Have you seen the movie "The Milagro Beanfield War"? There's a great scene in which the Angel of Death tells a character that he''ll make a miracle, but "it's gonna call for a big sacrifice." That's all I can tell you, H. We are actors in a weird drama that we didn't ask to be in. We don't know our lines, we don't know who the other actors are. It's not the play we started out in -- or is it? We have picked up a burden nobody else wants. Of course they're relieved! But where does that leave us? Preachin' to the choir of abandoned caregivers! Bring your anger and disappointment, look for something you can cling to. Be supportive to the rest of us. We are a lonely sisterhood (mostly) but we are there for each other when no one else is. This is sacred ground you've stepped on.
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Harleighkwin! Like many others here, you have come to the right place and you have said so much of what I have wanted to say but feel guilty and self pitying whenever I do. My 90 year old father moved down to FL from OH last year and insisted we buy a house together. Once he arrived it was clear that something was wrong but by then I was trapped in a state I don't want to remain in, a house I don't like and did not want and with a father in the early to moderate stages of Alzheimer's. I know he thought he was buying me a 'legacy' but all I have is a person, who I barely know, who is scared of his disease and getting into all sorts of trouble financially. The house is a financial burden not a benefit and I doubt I will be able to handle it on my own, I just don't have the resources and neither does he.

I am constantly told how lucky he is to have me and how wonderful I am. I want to throw up each time as I hate my life, or what my life has become. My family is either in denial or does not offer any sort of help but tepid moral support through emails or phone calls. I had to BEG my older brother to keep my dad for 3 to 4 days so I can take a much needed break.

All that is just a tip of the iceberg of what I feel but I want you to know that I anytime you want to vent and scream, please do so right here!!! At least here I don't feel alone!

I am glad you and everyone else is here as we all need each other!
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I have read quite a few comments about siblings not helping out with the care of a parent or parents. Just curious if you have had serious discussions with them about helping by giving you some respite? I was feeling that my siblings left it all up to me,because my husband passed away and I am recently retired and it would be fine for me to do it all. I had an open discussion with my older sister about helping by giving me respite and coming and staying with our mother. I told her it wasn't fair that I do it 365 days a year and all I was asking for was a few days or a day here and there to do shopping errands or a short vacation. She evidently understood and she has been helping out more. Also my brother and his wife will come and sit with Mom while I go shopping, etc. It is better to schedule the time with your family members because if you leave it up to spur of the moment it probably won't work. I feel blessed to have my family and know that they will help if I just let them know and don't attack them for not being proactive in helping. Sometimes they may not be as good or afraid of taking that responsibility because they don't feel capable. I wrote out when my mother takes her medicines, meals, her limitations, etc. I still have my times when I think my life will never be mine again, but I know that I wouldn't feel right about doing anything else at this time but caring for my mother as she needs me. She doesn!t say hateful things to me but sometimes her dependence on me gets to me. I love this site and the support it gives by the posts from all the caregivers.
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Harleighkwin needs help, if anyone can get to her. Something's got to be done.
Suggestions?
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My point was has she talked honestly to her siblings about helping? If she hasn't she needs to ASAP. If they are not responsive she needs to find a social worker that can help her start process for a nursing home or some alternative. Don't know what area she is in but she could start with her area office for the elderly.
Hope this helps.
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Welcome, if anyone on this site calls you selfish or anything to that effect, they are the ones that need to leave. I just put mom into assisted living for Alzheimers. Feel guilty....hell yes I wanted to keep her at home were she was comfortable. Have a relative that you never hear from unless they feel like contacting you ....hell yes. Then he gets pissed if I tell him it's not a good time to come down for a visit as I have my hands full taking care of our mom. Am I a saint for doing this...hell no, I'm her daughter caring for her as she once cared for me.
You're not alone here, we've all been in your shoes at one time or another. This site has saved my sanity more than one.
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How about adult day care? There is a place in my town so I know there are others out there. If Haleigh could get a job and leave her parents in adult day care, that would be a true blessing. Do not know the cost but all siblings should help with the cost. Check it out.
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