Confused, alone, and feeling selfish......

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My name is Sarah , I am 23 years old, I finished high school at 16 so 5 years ago I was 2 years into a RN program at a great school, I was working, in college, and even had a home of my own, my mother had a massive stroke leaving her left side paralyzed I quit everything school, work, have up my home, and my life to give my mother 24/7 care at 18 and I swear I didnt mind Id do it all over again, in the last 5 years Ive found out I have psoriasis, an enlarged portion of my heart and I cant even afford to to go the dentist, my father and sister both work and live in the home, and they dont even try to help me I found a doctor that income based I remember 2 years ago I asked my sister for 20 bucks for an appointment , mind you she has a state job and had just gotten paid...she looked at me and said "you hhave the nerve to ask me for anything?" so I get no treatment for any of my conditions Ive seriously considered prostitution lol but I digress its arguments everyday, Im not doing enough, why dont I get a job...Ive gotten two jobs since Ive been there the first was a great job, my father said I couldnt drive his car that far the one he had "given" me ..so I had to quit before I started, then a year later they asked me to get cable in my name, and they let it get cut off and left an $800 bill in my name, a few months later a got hired at a federal job and most are credit based, the day I went to sign the last of the paper work I was fired because my credit score had dropped...so yet another disappointment courtesy of my family. So 2 years ago my dad started getting my my dressed in the morning so for the last two years I have just been sitting at home doing nothing...my life is in ruin, they work from 7-5, and 4-7 so Im always home alone...the vehicle i was using has broken down so the rare times I can get an appointment or the money to pay for it, I can barely get a ride...I hate my life I drink way to much , cry myself to sleep at night, and the kicker is...for the last five years I have begged and pleaded for my dad to consider home health care and he will not budge.....and about a year after my mom came home from the hospital, I had a terrible argument with my father, he even told me to pack my **** and get out of his house and as I was leaving he stood at the door and told my mother I was leaving because I didnt love her, and didnt want to take care of her anymore...I cant understand why he'd do that..so that is my reason for hesitation as far as leaving, I want a life, I sit in the house all day all night..alone....crying... Ive gained 100 lbs in 5 years...Im ready to leave Im trying to set up home health care for my mother, and I dont know how its going to go over, Im not sure where to start, I want to move to Richmond, Va , Ive had 4 offers from up there and Im excited about a few its only 1 and 45 minutes from my parents Id have weekends off and most of the summer ..Id be home plenty....So I guess my question is am I selfish for wanting to leave.....

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Sarah, you say your parents weren't bad parents. Yes, they were. Not 100% bad. Perhaps not bad in other roles in their lives. But they and your sister wouldn't help you with a few bucks for a medical appointment? And the reason you couldn't afford it yourself was because you gave up a home and a job and your plans to come home and care for your mother?! Come'on, dear, this is NOT good parenting. Your dad "kicked you out" and then forced you to stay by lying to your mother?? I understand that you love your parents and I'm not trying to change that. But please get out that situation and love them from a distance. You are not selfish. You are not irresponsible, and for your dad to keep drilling that into your head is abuse.

It is not your responsibility to set up in-home care for your mother, when your father won't even cooperate by giving you information. Leave. Now. He will either step up to HIS responsibilities or he won't. Your responsibility now is to become the best person you can be. And I have a feeling that is a very good person indeed.
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A loving, caring, attentive parent who is close with their child can offer much insight to their child when it comes to careers; they still don't pick much less choose for them. But if a parent has their own agenda and intends to use the child or wishes to live "through" their child; it will never work. The problem with the second parent is that children have likely been at the least, emotionally and verbally abused their entire life and may not be ready to disagree and stand up for themselves. I knew something was very wrong, but I did not realize for decades that I had been an abused child. It took several therapists to point out that the things done to me were very wrong and in some instances, evil. I had been in denial. I thought I was just a 'bad' girl like she told me.

We all need to lift and encourage Sara so that she is able to leave home and feel that this is a healthy and normal and good thing to do.
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Mmmm. My mom picked out my career for me too. I ended up sticking with it, but I did at least pick a specialty that reflected more of what I cared about, that they actualy had never heard of and didn't understand :-). I think (on good days at least) that maybe I am where I am supposed to be, but I think others got pushed into things that were not for them. I had a classmate who was SOOO talented with the violin but was "not permitted" to choose a music career - it seemed so sad. And a sister in law who dropped out of med school but now is very happy - and way better off financialy than I will ever be - with a very successful business she runs. On the other hand, I also have a cousin who started off as a teacher - apparently quite a good one - and is now a pastor; I can vouch for the quality of her sermons and the depth of her commitment. So, whatever you have in you, you can hope that your past experiences will help bring it to bloom - even if they are mainly good for showing you what you are *not* cut out for. You have learned some hard things about physical and emotional health, and the human condition, for sure!
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I can offer nothing more here; all the advice given is great and right on! Sara -- go forth and start your new life; no regrets! You deserve it. You can always go to your local Senior Center as well and let them know the situation. Have them send someone in to evaluate the situation if you honestly feel your mom is in danger. My hunch is that your dad and sibs will take up the slack and care for your mother; certainly if your dad is a pastor, i'm sure his "flock" will step in to help as well.

Try to put this emotional abuse behind you (and you must find good friends, support group, or affordable therapist to help you thru this). Move on and know that you love your mom; sacrificed much of your early adulthood to help out. Everyone needs to realize that her level of care is more than a young person can handle. Caring for a stranger is much different than caring for your own family and certainly much easier because you don't have bias.

Go forth, emancipate yourself and grow into the strong, independent, lovely woman you were meant to be.
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don't make excuses for them Sara. good parents do not trap their daughter in such a position, and they do not destroy their daughter's credit. good parents do not seek to cause their daughters to feel badly about themselves. that my dear is abuse. take a good look at how they are treating you, how they talk to you, and ask yourself; if i had a daughter would i do this to her?
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I can't do that anymore, I was almost finished, I cant go from this to taking care of people again...I was young finished school early and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life...my parents suggested nursing...thats not my dream I have a dream now...just have to go get it, my parents aren't/weren't bad parents they afforded me everything but now they are stressed their health is declining, it's the stress that's making it this way..they used to be supportive but strict.... they were great b...
..t now its I dont know ....my brothers and sisters and I are all educated all thanks to them...they aren't bad..just different.....
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OK. Breathe. Now - overeating and overdrinking and getting ill instead of having a career and a life as an independent adult - does that in any way shape, or form "honor" your parents? If you did not have a possible option in Richmond, I think you might qualify for a recovery program that would help you get back on your feet, or even an abused women's shelter or program. If you find that you can't shake the bad patterns you acquired, and the haunt you even after you have broken away, absolutely consider that sort of thing before you think about going back with your parents, for sure. YOUR FATHER THREW YOU OUT!! How is it selfish to "obey" him??

We all want to hear about it when you are back in nursing school where you belong.
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Thanks so much for the advice... I will look into all of it..:)
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Sarah, you are young. Please get some counseling to learn how to "uninstall" that huge guilt button your parents gifted you. It will drag you down faster than anything. Read some of the posts on other threads and promise yourself you won't end up like so many, in their 50s and 60s, feeling guilty about their parents.
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All of the comments have been so good that I won't even try to cite a particular one. Sarah, please don't let the thought that blood ties are always the most healthy thing for you to maintain, and don't let anyone "beat you with the Bible." That's not what it is meant for. I got and still get the "honor thy parents" quote periodically and it's just like a fishhook -- painful and hard to disengage from. Find folks to talk to entirely out of the circle of people who know your current family. Tell you mom why you are leaving and that you love her. Go, find a shelter if need be, and get back on your feet mentally and physically. If it takes time before you make contact with family members then so be it. My "strongest" family is the family I created when I had to leave for awhile. Best wishes to you.
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