swinchester Posted March 2013

I'm not sure I can do this anymore. I need help tonight!

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My mother has lung cancer and is in the care of Hospice. I'm her daughter and caregiver. I moved in with my parents a month ago. So I could take her out of the nursing home and get her better. Two weeks ago they found out she had cancer that had spread from her bone cancer she had gotten in her knee. They replaced her knee and said she was cancer free. Now its in the lungs and in two weeks I have watched her go from going back and forth from wheelchair to hospital bed to now she can't get out of the bed she is so weak. She is a minister's wife and knows where she in going when she dies. There is no doubt about it. My problem tonight is that I'm doubting my faith. Hospice has taken her off all of her meds except the nausea med and the morphine. She begs Jesus to plea take her. She's ready. She is in so much pain before I give her the pain med. All she says is :Let me die" or "Please let me go" some version of that. Question: Why doesn't god just take her. She has done Gods work all her life, why is letting her suffer?. I don't understand. I used to tell her that God must have something more for her to do. But not at this stage. Or I would make a joke about maybe god is still doing the final touches on her mansion. Hospice wants me to double her meds and that would leave her in zombie state. Which I know she hates. But the are concerned with making her comfortable, which I do understand. But I'm questioning should I let her be a zombie where she won't be able to talk with my sister and brother or any of the many visiters that she comes from church to see her. Is that fair to her that she can't communicate when your zonked out. I have been reading the web page for months now and I know there are a lot of Christians here. Please help me not to lose my faith. (my dad is getting some form of dementia so he's not rational or any help. My next patient will be him.)
Feeling sorry for myself.
Sherri

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PCVS Sep 26, 2017
I am a Jewish lady but I'll give my advice anyway: Let her be pain free. Let her say her goodbyes however she wants. She will live in your good memories. She will choose her moment as she sees fit. You have been a good and loving daughter. She knows this and she loves you for it. I speak from experience.
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Donnakaybatman Sep 26, 2017
Im so sorry but please stop her pain.Let her say her g oodbyes and stop her pain
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vstefans Apr 2013
Wow, Billy Graham just did his column on this! If Mom can guide how much she needs medication and how awake she wants to be that would be best. It is not wrong Biblically or otherwise to use strong pain medication if you need to when you are dying. I'm wondering why they don't have her on a PCA pump that gives a constant baseline and a little extra boost now and then that you or she can give.

If it helps any, I see a lot of things in my life as a physician for specials needs children and families, and read a lot of things both for and against the faith, and I've just lost my mom and dad with the past 2-3 years; I find ever more reason to believe even as I better understand the reasons many people don't. I will pray for your faith and comfort and your Mom's safe passage...you can do this, too, even though you feel like you can't possibly. My journey with my parents included a doing a lot of things I thought I could not do; it seemed so impossible, something only some kind of super person could really handle, but it wasn't...it will be all right.
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BJ1Okla Apr 2013
As someone who has had a 'christian' mother in my home since 1982,I'm not into organized religion at all. However, I certainly support everyone else's right to depend on it. When my husband was home on hospice and dying, he refused pain meds the last three days and I followed his wishes. His mind was clear and he seemed to be out of pain at that time. He went peaceful. He was a minister's son and held my same views about organized religion. I've been with several people when they passed and I've witnessed non-christians die with peace as well as 'christians.' Three hours before my husband passed, he had a smile on his face and seemed to be seeing someone. When I asked him what he was seeing, he smiled and said ..."My mother." The Hospice nurse told me she'd seen that many times .... when a loved one who had passed previously seem to 'come for' the dying person. I was so glad he had a peaceful passing. Ironically, my mom - who claims to be a christian - seems very fearful of dying.
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bpryor01 Apr 2013
Note: Your Faith is unshakeable. I can tell from your post. Stay close to God through all of this. He'll help you through it. He already has his arms around your Mom.
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bpryor01 Apr 2013
My Mother passed away in January after a very long hard fight. I understand what you are going through... better than most. My Mom was tired. She prayed to God aloud for death. I wished and prayed for her to die. She was in incredible pain.

The night she passed away seemed better than any day she'd had in weeks.

Jesus hears our Prayers and God will take care of your Mom.

May our Heavenly Father make haste as one of his Angels wants to come home.

God Bless you.
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PCVS Apr 2013
There is nothing wrong with not believing in any god. If it means so much to you that you do want to believe then think of your uncertainty as a test of your belief. Question your belief and your uncertainty. Some answer that works for you will, at some point, become more clear. Good luck.
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LvLife Apr 2013
I truly believe in unfinished business. Twenty six years ago my father was dying from a brain tumor. The doctors said he would go into a coma. In the early morning hours he did. My mom and I were by his side. He was so afraid to leave her alone. Mom picked dad out in the lunch line when she was 13 and told her friend she was going to marry him and she did three year later. They were a great match for 35 years.

When he went into the coma I touched his shoulder, kissed him, and I promised him I would take care of mom. His next breath was his last. I do believe that was why he had fought so long because he wanted to make sure she would be okay. I think that was his unfinished business.

Bless you for taking care of your mom. I have been taking care of my mom since her stroke over six years ago and with that she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She is my best friend and I can’t imagine not being together. I imagine when the time comes I will be telling her it is okay to go and her unfinished business will be making sure I will be okay. My heart goes out to you and bless you!
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tmccpa Apr 2013
I must admit that I have been on this site many, many times but this is the first time I have ever commented. It was your subject line that got my attention, "I'm not sure I can do this anymore. Someone please help!" I have said that many, many times, either out loud or to myself...but mostly to God. My prayers were always answered and I was able to continue on. I brought my mother to live with me after my sister put her in a nursing home and she so hated it there that she lost 100 pounds in a matter of months. She suffered from "hospital dementia" and once I got her to my home, while her mind wasn't completely clear, it was certainly clear enough that we were able to have many wonderful discussions and I learned a lot. Her physical health, at the age of 87, was suffering and she was in a wheelchair, while I struggled getting her to doctor's appointments and she was in and out of the hospital several times. Even with the help of home health care, it was exhausting, and took it's toll on my own health as well. One late night as I was driving home from the hospital, I had to pull off the side of the road because I was crying too hard to see. I said those words we have all said a hundred times before "I need help...I just can't do this anymore!" The next day an aunt I hadn't heard from in ages called and asked if she could come stay with me for awhile and help out. She came and stayed for a month. My aunt gave me so much more than the physical help and rest I needed. She was a Freedom Fighter during World War II and had been imprisoned and tortured. When she made her escape from Hungary and walked to freedom, all she had to start over was a toothbrush and her faith in God. She is one of the most "joyful" people I know and lives every day to the fullest. I don't mean to get off topic, but my point is that I have no doubt that God sent her to me to renew my faith and give me the strength to continue. There were several other times when my prayers were also answered. My mother lived an additional two years and I was with her when she died in her own bed here at home. She was a very religious person her entire life, but there were times toward the end when she was scared and asked me "what if this is all there is?" She was also afraid she hadn't led a good enough life. I like to think that the spirit of God gave me the best answers I could give her and it did seem to comfort her. I believe God sent her to live with me for a reason and when what He had intended was fulfilled, it was time for her to let go. I had never seen a person die and the thought of it scared me to death. She had Hospice for only two weeks and morphine to ease her pain for the last day. Even so, I know she could hear me. Mom used to sing Silent Night to me as a child, year round, and I did the same with my children. I sang that to her that last night, I said the "Hail Mary" over and over again, and the last thing I told her was that I would do my best to take over for her and watch over the family and keep them all together. I said it was okay for her to let go now. And that is the very minute that she did let go. Don't be afraid to use the morphine, it will ease her pain, but I think that will free her to be able to listen to God and family. And for those afraid to be there when a person dies, it was the most wonderful, fulfilling moment of my life. One that has changed me, renewed and strengthened my faith, and I thank God every day that I was able to be with my mom at the end, as she was was with me at the beginning!
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Swinchester,
Many hugs to you, and God Bless. I feel your pain, and I wanted to say that it's okay for you to trust your instincts when dealing with your mom. I wouldn't worry about other people coming to see her; if she needs morphine for the pain, let her have it. As someone else said, hearing is the last to go, so visitors can pray for her and tell her how much she's meant to them.

May your mother's transition be peaceful and may you both be surrounded by The Holy Spirit.
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