We found out my mom has terminal lung cancer, they don't know for sure how long she has.

At any rate, I am the sole caregiver. She can still walk around within the apartment, but with a cane/walker. I do everything, although she still can do a few things (get a glass of water, etc).

My issue is this: I cannot take the sheer anger and verbal abuse she doles out. Yes, I get she has cancer and is dying and I cannot imagine how that must feel, but even waaaay before this, she has a nasty, negative and all around bad attitude and it has just increased tenfold. I walk on eggshells constantly. I can't even sigh if I am within earshot because she will then go into a tirade about how disrespectful I am, she will say stuff like "I will be dead soon so you will be rid of me" and all kinds of stuff like that. My sister calls her daily, but that seems to add more stress and cause her to act out more. I have no one here to help me at all, or to even give me a break. She does have a home health care nurse come in to flush out her port, and I said something once about maybe having her come while I get out for a little while...pissed my mom off, started in with the "you just don't want to be around me" crap. UGH.

Something that really makes it tough is that I was DX'd with Clinical Depression in 2007. I have been holding my own with it, but I can feel it creeping back and if I mention it, I am "not allowed" to be ill. I'm serious, I cannot take it. I have thought about suicide, I have thought about just walking out one night and never coming back. I know I would never do those things, but even thinking of them bothers me.

These should be the times that mom and daughter come together and enjoy the last months of her life, but the only thing I am feeling is resentment, coming close to hate. I don't want to hate my mom, but she makes it really really hard not to. I feel like I am falling apart, emotionally and physically. If I show any sign of anything, I am told, "I'm the sick one you know".....ughhhhhhhhh....I am 47, I have NO life of my own (not that I had much of one before this lol) and I get to the point where I feel completely helpless and hopeless. Most days I am ok, not today though.

I guess I just needed to vent more than anything. I am glad I found this site.

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Has she been evaluated for Hospice.

Feeling guilty is pretty much a fact of caregivers' lives, so just make peace with the feeling and go about your business!

You absolutely must have respite. This is not optional. Of course your mother won't like it, but what else is new? It sounds like she pretty much doesn't like anything you do (or rather she won't admit to you or maybe even to herself that she is pleased with your care), so give her something specific and real to complain about.

Maybe the home health nurse would be appropriate for respite, or maybe you don't need a skilled nurse but a health aide or a personal care attendant would be sufficient. The agency that provides the nurse may also provide other categories of workers. Or could your sister spell you on a regular basis. (Is she local?) Do what you have to do, but arrange to get out of there on a regular basis. And when you do go out, try to use at least part of the time to do something social, such as coffee with a friend, or going to a book club. It is good to be reminded that the whole world is not as self-centered as your mother has always been.

Are you seeing a therapist for your depression? If not, did you like one you've had in the past and could you reconnect with that? I'm so glad you are holding your own, and maybe you can continue to if you get out of the situation regularly to recharge your batteries, but it is better to be safe than sorry. Some therapy early could prevent a full-scale return of the condition.

You are doing your best and that is all any of us can do. While you are taking care of your mother, please take care of yourself, too. You are definitely worthy of good care!

Aaaaaaand, as I am sure, most of you will relate to the fact that I now feel guilty for even putting this here lol


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