My 95 Mother is in a ALF close by I am an only child but have a wonderful husband I moved my Mom from out of state 3 years ago. I have no regrets and have done everything for her besides my visits during the week, running errands and Doctor's visits. I also take her every Saturday to get her hair done and out to breakfast she has become very dependent on me my husband and I pay half of her ALF costs which has been stressful and at times I feel resentment but by hook or crook she'll be able to stay there she loves it. Identifying with the stress lately I've started taking more time for myself lunch with Friends and got back to working out. My Mom seems down and makes comments that make me feel guilty. This is so hard!

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Ugh, my mom was the queen of the guilt trip grenades! She could lob one in the middle of the most innocent conversation and I'd fid myself sitting there with "guilt shrapnel" all over me, wondering what the heck just happened!

I finally started playing a little game with myself. I put a few dimes in my left pocket, and when the guilt grenade came out I'd try not to say anything. Instead I'd just transfer a dime over to my right pocket and change the subject. I'd also note the time. How long had it been since she lobbed the last one? I think the fastest one was about 2.2 seconds after I walked in the door.

Anyway the deal was, the dimes that ended up in my right pocket went to a special church offering. It was my way of turning that pain into grace, of deflecting the blow, so to speak. Instead of buying into the guilt and taking it on myself when I knew it wasn't necessary, I used this system to "give it to the Lord." It really helped.

Your profile says that you are no longer going to be able to fund mom's AL unless you deplete your retirement accounts.

Why would you do that? Who is going to fund YOUR retirement expenses?

Has your mother been evaluated for depression?

Mom's happiness is not on your shoulders.

If Mom knows you have resumed your life, so to speak,,even though she loves her ALF, she is jealous of you. My mother was jealous of me and often made hurtful remarks, like calling our beautiful dream house “a barn”. She was a master of the “sniper remark”. She’d fire off a snarky remark and then sit back to watch you squirm. I found it was best just to ignore it and move on. If you have no reaction, you will take away her enjoyment of making remarks. And as one of our regular posters always says, unless you’ve done something wrong, you have no reason to feel guilty. .

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