I don't know where to start, so I will start 21 years ago my father passed, I moved 500 miles away from home. My childhood well lets just say not good. 5 years after I moved my mother & grandmother moved to "MY" state. I made a good life for myself an oldest son, put my childhood behind me, I also got married a year after they moved here. 6/7 years ago my grandmother passed, my mom lost her job, had to get a pace maker, numerous other health issues. We were paying for prescriptions, Dr. visits, etc. then she quit paying her cobra, so then we had to start paying more. Told us she couldn't afford her cobra and her other bills on unemployment.My husband gave her a job so she would have income and health insurance. In 2007 we built a house made sure we had enough room for her, she has her own bedroom, living room, and bathroom. We told her to either put the $$$ into savings from her paycheck, or put her SSI check in savings, instead of paying us anything, you guessed it she didn't do it. Taking care of my mother has been drilled into my head that it is my obligation, I am the only child, mined you my parents did the minimal, food in my stomach, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, if I made A's in school they could of been higher A's, I was never going to make anything of myself, etc, my father was an alcoholic and my mom handle that by never being home, yes she was working - she made sure of it. I had things happen to me that NO child should have to deal with, most girls dream of growing up, getting married, kids, I dreamed of getting far away and making my life very different.
Since she has moved in with us I feel I have lost my family, if we ever tried to do anything without her, the guilt trip is massive. People that have tried to become friends with my mom, if she allowed it they disappeared quickly, or they weren't good enough for her. 2 years ago she fell ill had to quit her job, and I left mine to care for her. over the past couple years she has gained some strength and can do alot more then she does, I do her cleaning, laundry, prepare all meals,the only thing I haven't started yet is bathing her, I do more for her then I do for my youngest that is 16 or even my husband. We have gone thru our savings, I can't do enough or make her happy, never a thank you or acknowledgement of everything I have done after all it is my responsibility.
I have lost all my friends they have moved on, my family relationships are struggling. When I talk about going back to work I hear " I can't" - "what am I going to do?"
I guess what started this is 4 days ago my husband was involved in a serious accident, trust me when I say I am lucky he is still here. But what if? I seriously would be in a bad place, emotionally, financially, all the way around, let alone me- my kids! I am at my wits end, my childhood that I struggled to put behind me is now haunting me, my husband or kids know nothing of my childhood, except some of my mom's version, I don't talk about it. I don't want my kids to think badly of their grandma, she has on the most part been great with them.
I want and need my life back, the one I struggled so hard to have.
I tell myself my mom did and is doing the best she knows how. She is doing exactly what her mother did to her to me. I was able to put my grandmother in her place, years before she even moved near me, and had very little to do with her. Of course she had the last laugh, her burial expenses fell on me.
I know my story is confusing, I know I sound like I am having a pity party for myself, I also know I have allowed this behavior, but what do you do when its your mother- even if she wasn't much of one.
(I take it your mom has called wolf once or twice?)
Yes my mother has Part A, B, C,D,E, and all that jazz, she receives social security, which is how she pays for all that jazz,not much left after all that, I am assuming don't really know that is not my business as far as she is concerned. She also pays her cell phone bill,dish TV, car insurance for a car she can no longer drive, that days ago she told to me sell the car, after a good 1 1/2 years of trying to get her to sell it. She turned 75 this past Saturday, of course I didn't do enough. With it now being a one income (my Husbands) home I really don't know what she expects. I am going to end here ,I am doing to much bitching, I guess that's why my friends aren't around so much, one did tell me last night that when I accept I am doing all I can do, and have done all I can do, that my mother's nonsense won't get to me then, but It will only happen when I accept it. Her words keep going through my head all day today - lets see if it sinks in.
As far as a support group, can't find a better one than Alanon. You mentioned your father was an alcoholic! That says a great deal about how you were raised. Possibly Alanon for Adult Children would be a good choice. Please give it a try! It will help you find some answers. It's hard work but very worthwhile.
I wish you much luck on this journey!
Thank you again for listening to me vent, I am sitting here in tears (which doesn't come easy to me) but I do feel a little better putting it down into words, instead of it all floating around in my head.
So what do we do.. not sure I have a great answer, but I am leaning towards figuring out what is important to us and how do we regain control over our own lives and happiness. We need to stop trying to seek his father's approval because it will never happen.
We are seeking counseling with the local minister and will be looking in to organizations on the elderly to talk to people to help us figure this out. We also tried to handle the situation on our own for a long time, we have finally decided we are not "objective" or informed enough to figure this out on our own, so we are seeking adivce and support from others.. please do the same and I wish you luck
Even if it is your obligation to take care of your mother, it is not required of you to be exploited by her or to put up with ungrateful behavior. You can see that your mother is cared for without personally waiting on her hand and foot or having her live with you. But on some level you probably know this.
So ... why are you continuting in this situation that has you at your wits end?