I'm burning out

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my dad is 90 and i am the only family in his life. i am not a mother or am not a cook and am not domestic. but yet i know that if i dont hug him he has no affection and feels very much alone and frightened. i still work... in fact have a lot of responsibility and risk. i feel like i dont know what im doing. i have no kids and dont cook and cannnot get him to agree to getting any help. he needs company more than anything. i want to be there to be his health advocate, but i hate feeling like i have to let him know where i am all the time or else he feels lost. i am tired. i am guilty. i am wearing out and i need to know im not alone. and if there is anything i can do, id love to have suggestions.
he drives..urg... is getting a motorized wheel chair but i will not get in the car with him. my car is too small for a ramp. the only parts i feel in fairly good control of is his meds, but that was only because he ended up with losing them and double taking them until i finally won my battle that i should hold them--especially the controlled ones. he will not allow anyone into his life but me. it means i cant get away; that and my business. my husband doesnt get along with him and that causees martial problems. i know there is a better way to handle it than the guilt and failure i feel. i need help....

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If they can't find a cure for the common col, what makes you think they can find a cure for Alzheimer's? LOL :-) Have a gr8 weekend everybody!!! :-) Best. :-) W
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agreed. i think medicine is overrated for the most part.
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I am still not sure that many medicamentes are really useful in some dementias, like in Alz, many reseaqrch has and is being doing. And nothing is sure sofar. If so, what is the use to give lots and lots of medecines. It may be a waste of time, money and effort. Plus the emotional waste.
I would sugest to read and read, and evaluate the cost (emotional, finantial, and some other) in order to have a better life.
What happen if she/he does not take the pills? Perhaps nothing. In that case is a waste.
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Thank you daughterlinda and emjo...I know you are right. I keep forgetting that I'm dealing with someone who is more child than adult when it comes to reasoning...it's like talking to one of my grandchildren (ages 5, 3 and 1). Still, I want him to have his dignity...it's a fine line! Thank you for the hugs and encouragement, advice and caring...it helps to know that I'm not alone! Hugs to all!
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Scared - Please don't think of it as your personal failure. It does not reflect on you that your husband rejects your help etc. it reflects in him. Decide what you can reasonably do, do it to the best of your ability, and accept that you cannot control him. I am sure that is hard - but it is the reality
daughterlinda - that is right - don't be so hard in yourself. You may not be successful at getting him to take his meds 9 tries out of 10, but that is not your personal failure.
((((((hugs))))) to both of you Pat yoursleves on the back for doing a good job and for caring, Where would they be without you?
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if you fail 9 times and win 1, thats pretty good for a start! somebody told me there was no need for me to be so hard on myself since everyone else was already doing such a good job with that! :)
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Thx for the thoughts. You both make valid points, and I know you are right. Sometimes it's just so hard to remember these things when you are trying so hard to help this person and they are rejecting your help, your care, your concern...my husband forgets soon afterward how nasty he was. It's harder for me to forget...the pain lingers and festers. I have to learn to forgive more, another hard task. I know life is a test...I just wish I wasn't failing so often!
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Also, maybe they are being a bit anal with this 6 and 8 and 1 and 3 time crap? really, is it THAT important? have you done research online? when working (!) i am the director of a vet clinic and work a lot with meds. what is told to the patient varies according to what we perceive with be the compliance rate. I mean, there is PERFECT, then there is close to perfect,....well, you know....
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really, scared, really, there is only so much you can do. we are only keeping them as healthy as they will alllow us to do. you do prepare them in the morning nooon and evening pill dispensers, right? when dad gets stubborn (but he hardlly ever gets mean) i show him the dispenser and he goes, "oh, well, you must have not given them to me right". In other words, its always my fault, but i find that when that triggers me, its another trigger that he has had a lot of years programming inside of me and sometimes (when im not ready to shot myself) i can look at it from a distance and say "you know what, this really hasnt nothing to do with me. i just happen to be here." ive even started to do that with my husband, who knows "what buttons to push". if he does, insists on doing anything that runs against my will or his doctors will, i remind myself that he really does have a (however misguided) choice to make and that by standing in his way, i might be right and maybe not. and i usually let him do it, knowing that tomorrow will be another bad day, but it might have been anyhow. i dont know what id do if he got nasty. maybe walk away? with my husband (who can get real sarcastic) ive no way to just walk away so i have started "mentally disconnecting". Its hard, but its powerful. once (and while) i figure out how do it, my whole world settles down.
Another thing i try to do is change the subject. Okay, so hes not going to take these life sustaining drugs and that will affect him and there is really nothing i can do to insist that he continue life in his body with his conditions, so i just change the subject. "i stare out the window and go "it looks like rain"...or some other totally nonense thing. My pets keep me going as well. I can pick one up and just their peace transfers to me....Dont know if any of this will work for you but i have gotten lots of help already in a short time from this group and i thought i should give some back when i have it. its not always good. give and take?
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Just need to vent...my husband won't take his evening meds again. I go through this so many times, I am so angry about it. He insists he just took his pills 20 minutes ago. He hasn't taken anything but his Parkinson meds that he takes at 8, 1 and 6 every day when he took them at 6. Now he won't take his nighttime meds. He gets so nasty. Won't talk to me. I just don't know what to do. I know one night won't hurt him if he skips them, but why oh why does he have to be so nasty? I try to be patient, explain the times he did take his meds today, etc...I know there is no reasoning with dementia, but I am so tired of arguing this point so often. Now the doctor wants to start another med for a vitamin B-12 deficiency. How am I supposed to get him to take more medicine when he won't take what he has now? I know many of you understand what I am going through. How can I cope? I just don't know...I just don't know...
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