Caregiver blues & survival...

Follow
Share

Taking time out for you as you take care of someone else, is important for your survival.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
19

Comments

Show:
D Man, stay in touch. Not many guys here. Good to hear from you. Good luck to you. I’ve learned a lot from the good folks on this forum. 
(0)
Report

Thank You all so much for weighing in with your insights...You have raised some excellent points and I will put a number of them "into the lineup"....Glad I am not alone on this, you are the voices of experience. Thanks again.
(3)
Report

Dear Dman6000,

I know you love your wife and don't want to see her get stressed out. After 9 years its a hard cycle to break. I hope she will consider reading this thread.

There is something about being a woman, a daughter and the need to be a Superwoman. We all want to save our daddies. I know your wife loves her dad and doesn't want him to suffer. In my culture it was a big thing to care for your elderly parents so your wife might have this guilt too.

I hope with counselling she can find a better balance. I fear the anger and resentment might catch up with her one day.
(2)
Report

D man it took 2 years and these people to make me get it! Listen to the advice. I set down boundaries and boy what a difference in just a couple of days. I’m in my marriage 40 yrs so listen to them, go get help for her!!!!
(2)
Report

DMan - The situation is clearly unfair to you. What concerns me is that your wife has said that it's a deal-breaker for her if you attempt to interfere with her care duties for her Dad. To me, that screams of the need for marital counseling. She needs to gain some insight as to why she feels the need to cater to her elderly father at the expense of her marriage and her own financial security. However, I think that if you tried to persuade her to consider these issues, it will only get her back up. I think an objective third person might be able to help her think more clearly about her motives and needs in this situation, and help her see past the fear, obligation and guilt that may be keeping her in this role. Counseling might help you see also what your wife might be getting from catering to Dad that she isn't getting from her marriage to you. Hope this helps.
(2)
Report

Dear D man, it sounds like your wife needs help. I would suggest bring in help, no matter what the money issue is, and lay down then law, it’s taking a toll on your marriage. Or bringing him closer to where you live. He’s probably on medication, and enrolled in Medicare, a lot of those expenses can be picked up by them, even live in’s in certain situations . I have a hubby that had 2 back to back total hip replacements, and I take care of his mother too. Talk about exhaustion , I live it everyday, and still working full time. His sister don’t  lift a finger to help, and there within driving distance, so I know what your going though , don’t end up like me, totally burned out. Also tell her you’d like a date night, sorry but you want some of her too. And my I suggest doing things around the house, so when she comes back from dads house, she enjoys coming home. You never know, a candle, flowers, sweets for the sweet. Yuki
(1)
Report

It doesn’t sound fair to you d man. My situation is the opposite. I’m the last living son, elderly parents 12 hour drive away, been dealing with all the issues for about 6 years. Finally got them in care this past December.

My wife just spent hours and hours helping me through the paperwork for guardianship process and real estate paperwork.

I have to do what I have to do, no getting around it. I’ve made regular trips through the years and I’ll have a few more trips before it’s all over.

But I’ve been able to find a balance and not mess up my marriage. I’ve leaned how to say no to my folks. They liked me taking care of them, but didn’t want anyone else in the house. Fortunately my folks had saved some money. I’ve spent none of our funds through the years. I have used my folks money for every aspect of their care, even paying myself back for gas, motels and travel expenses.

Does your FIL have funds? If so I think your wife needs to hire some help.

My wife would have left me long ago if I devoted every weekend to my parents care. But I understand, every situation and marriage is different.
(5)
Report

Very difficult balance...Suggestion?
For nine years, my spouse has made her primary weekend plans around her father, who lost his wife, then suffered a stroke. He lives two hours away. She spends inordinate time shopping for his food, cooking for him here, taking it up there and then cleaning his house. Always says she's exhausted. She has three siblings, only one of whom helps, primarily with legal and home-repair issues.....Father has no nearby friends, he alienated many people and even some family members who live 100 yards away from him won't visit...the daughter who lived 3 miles away moved to the West Coast.....My spouse thinks its her duty to help him, infinitely and says its a deal-breaker for us if I try to intervene...I do love her Dad, I have done many things with and for him, but he plays upon her guilt and always gets her to stay or come up if he acts sad...
I am in early 60's, my wife is in her late 50's and we are both looking to retire....We have, to date, spent close to $40,000 in the last nine years going up and down the GS Parkway, repairing cars, paying tolls and having two cars die prematurely, resulting in car payments when there had been none before...She won't say anything about this to her siblings.....Wife gets angry at the slightest mention of this....I have told her that when we retire, we'll have less and when things like home repairs crop up, we won't have the money for it.....In the meantime, her siblings spend next to nothing to care for her Dad because they live closer....Some people say let it play out and stay away from the issue....But we are in year 9....Any thoughts? Thanks
(0)
Report

Very difficult balance......For nine years, my wife has made all weekend plans around the needs of her now 84-year-old father, who lost his wife and later had a stroke....He lives two hours away.....It has caused time apart for us, two cars to die prematurely and she spends inordinate amounts of time shopping, cooking and then bringing the food to his house..and then cleaning that....One other sibling helps with legal issues...Two other siblings do almost nothing and she won't ask them too.....Furthermore, the Dad expects her to be there, makes the sad face when she's not coming and she bites on it every time.....I am in my early 60's, my wife in her late 50's and we are looking to retire....She told me caring for the father is a deal-breaker for us.....All I could do was tell her that when I retire, our lifestyle will gradually erode. Even if we'd had a portion of the roughly $40,000 we have faced in transportation, repair and food costs, we'd be better off.....I try to pitch in, going to see him once a month and have done many things with him, but don't know how to handle things now...Any thoughts?
(0)
Report

Marybee congratulations on your freedom, even if it’s just a few hours. I wish I could do that. Enjoy and let that help, HELP. Yuki
(1)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Related
Questions