Betrayed

Thank you everyone for your comments. I am trying not to nurture resentment, I have never had hate in my heart and I will always take the high road like I always have and fight like hell to have this not make me a resentful, regretful person. My niece has contacted me and would like to see me and her two children who are like my own grandchildren. She says she doesn't believe that I would ever abuse her grandmother, my mother. And realizes that elderly are hardest on their caregiver and sometimes lie over and over again and after awhile believe their own lies. I would love to see her and her children as they miss me terribly and are struggling with this whole mess that although I didn't create it I am smack dab in the middle of it. I know I couldn't live my life without her or them...I would never want to be responsible for causing them any misery or heartache....it just isn't in me. But as far as the others my mother and sister and the rest of her family...I am done.

Betrayed, I'm so sorry you've had to experience the hurt from your mother that you have. Not only can it logically be difficult to grasp, but emotionally, when we know the truth of the love and care we've put forth, it crushes us.

The "we/us" is because as my mom goes further into her combined health issues and dementia, she has suddenly turned me into the enemy. Whispers in the ear? Oh yes, from those who also stand to profit from her now and in the future.

Still, money aside, it's the emotional hurt and confusion that slaps at me each time I hear from her. One day I'm the loving daughter....the next....the enemy trying to do her in.

I wish you patience and perseverance.

Oh yes I am the big bad wolf that did little and nothing right.. My mother fed my sister a whole line of bull and the greed and stupidity of an alcoholic believed it all. You are so right in saying it is the emotional hurt that cuts right thru you. I felt broken and felt like my will had been drained from me. I do feel a little better everyday. One day at a time. I wish you all the best..sometimes it does help to vent. so vent away

Unfortunately, this has become all too common. I have two friends right now that either are currently going through a very similar situation or have gone through it in the past. One had a VERY similar situation and ended up being recommended by his mother's psychiatrist that he move out and take himself out of the direct line of fire of her abusive and horrible accusations. My father lives with me and has for 5 years now. He may not be entirely happy with the way I do things but, so far, he knows he's getting good care and tells people how much he appreciates it. He's also diabetic, has high blood pressure and so requires a well laid out meal plan. He grumbles about not being able to have sodas as often as he'd like! I'm one of five children and none of my siblings contacts him except for an email on his birthday. Just know that there are many of us out there that know what you've done and what you and your family have been through. I have one suggestion for you - document, document, document......... write down everything that you learn about, know of. For example, the money being taken out of her bank account so quickly. The hospital stay, etc. and after a while, contact adult protective services and request a elder care check. You'll have documentation of some of your concerns to provide them with a little 'evidence' to support your request to check on her well-being. At the very least, you'll be able to comfort yourself some that someone in authority is checking on your mom and in some small way assuring that she's not being seriously abused. It may end up being enough to cause your sister to not want to deal with her anymore due to being under the microscope of state and/or county social services. Ultimately, it might result in your mom going into a facility where she'll get the care she needs and enable you and your family to have the life you all clearly deserve. I wish you well and hope things turn out the best for everyone concerned.

I want to update on my seemingly ongoing saga. Even though my niece had contacted me to see her and her kids, her mother, my sister, has interceded. I cannot and will not be allowed to see the kids unless I get over myself and cop to half the blame of what went on. Well, talk about holding little kids over your head. I will not be issued an ultimatum like that ever. I have done nothing wrong here. I am not the guilty party here, but my niece and my sister contacted me via phone and email to lie and tell me how awful my mother was treated, how we stole from her, and abused her. It is totally false. This is beyond ridiculous. I truly feel released from all of them now. They have totally given me closure and shown what type of hateful, bitter, resentful people they are once again. They also let me know that my mother's health is now perfect, not demented at all. They said she is very truthful. Of course, I know why they are saying this. It makes their stories, lies and actions justified in their minds. They are trying to once again make me look like I am a nut. We have dodged a huge bullet, we won't be issued ultimatums, and we won't admit to things we did not do. They are not worth my thoughts anymore. I have a beautiful family here, who love, respect and trust each other whole heatedly. I am truly blessed to have them. Thank you everyone for letting me vent. I have this to be a great source of comfort. God Bless.

Glad to hear you finally have some closure. Make sure your horse is fed and watered and get the H-E- double hockey sticks out of dodge and DONT look back.

Betrayed, I'm so disappointed that your niece was able to be dissuaded by her alcoholic mother to join the forces against you. It's too bad. But I agree with you. Now you know whom to trust and whom not to trust. I hope you're able to move on with your life with your immediate family. I'd also start gathering all necessary documents in case they take you to court. This way, when they do come for you, you're prepared and not acting like a chicken with no head. I wish you well.

You will update us if they do try to do worse, won't you? I always wonder when this happens - on what happened to the caregiver. Only one poster that I know of came back and told us the results of her family accusing her of stealing from their father and when he died, they had nothing but caregiver had the house, etc... She won in court. It was all done legally and there was no proof that she stole from him.

It is said a clean conscience makes the softest pillow. If you can walk away with a clean conscience that may be reward enough for your devoted care. You can choose to let the rest of family grovel in their self-centered behavior and not let it be your problem. You have walked the high road. Look forward to a wonderful future. There is a reason the windshield is so much larger than the rear view mirror.

As far as paperwork goes, my husband and I have owned the house outright for 16 years now. it was all done legally thru lawyer, passing papers, etc. with my mother present. As far as stealing from her, which is so false, my name was on her savings and checking acct joint with her. I had been her poa and made withdrawals from her account with her permission, which legally was not needed as my name was on her account.
It is so ridiculous, we are not talking the Kennedy fortune here. Over the course of 16 years, 13,000 was withdrawn totally from her account to cover all of her miscellaneous expense, medical, and basic living expenses. So, please, to have anyone ever say we stole from her is ridiculous. She is not a wealthy woman. So we are definitely legally covered regarding the house and any allegations. But thanks for the heads up. We are being very cautious....but so should they now there is such a thing as defamation of character and slander.

It is so sad how all this goes down. I have a sister that lives in another state, who is the most disrespectful of them all. I am at a point now where I don't give a damn what anyone says, I know that if I wouldn't have stepped in, and trust me went through pure hell the woman wouldn't be diagnosed today. She continuously tells me horrible things about me, she talks to me horribly, but in hind site, she has done this all of my life. I have good days and bad days, some days it hurts, but it is compiling so much that I just dont even want to be near her. She has been jeolous of me, God knows why she has destroyed my life at every corner. I have people questioning over setting up Paratransit for her so she can get around on her own. Like what I am going to pay someone to kidnap her or something, give me a fricken break. I read a post here the other day about a friend of one of our "friends", that died at 53 taking care of his parent. I am so serious when I tell you that is reality for all of us in these terrible situations.
I lost my son 9 years ago, and you wouldn't believe how she was, she divided the family during my sons services. I have been dealing with her because noone else would, let them all take care of her and good fricken luck. I too dont' want to attend the service when she goes, because I don't trust myself, See the things she has says people believe which is one of the biggest issues I have. I want to set the record straight, somehow, She has smeared my name, and they funny thing is, I am the only one out of her kids, that graduated high school, went to college, raised all my kids, that all graduated, not to mention a couple foster kids, and at the present time and for the most part the only one of her kids that works.

What I really wanted to say, is that how we respond to them is important. Really does it matter what our sibilings think anymore? No way. We know, and God knows, and as far as I am concerned in regard to the care that is all that matters. The things I want to resolve have been going on for years. Her age has nothing to do with the sociopath she is.

It is so sad how all this goes down. I have a sister that lives in another state, who is the most disrespectful of them all. I am at a point now where I don't give a damn what anyone says, I know that if I wouldn't have stepped in, and trust me went through pure hell the woman wouldn't be diagnosed today. She continuously tells me horrible things about me, she talks to me horribly, but in hind site, she has done this all of my life. I have good days and bad days, some days it hurts, but it is compiling so much that I just dont even want to be near her. She has been jeolous of me, God knows why she has destroyed my life at every corner. I have people questioning over setting up Paratransit for her so she can get around on her own. Like what I am going to pay someone to kidnap her or something, give me a fricken break. I read a post here the other day about a friend of one of our "friends", that died at 53 taking care of his parent. I am so serious when I tell you that is reality for all of us in these terrible situations.
I lost my son 9 years ago, and you wouldn't believe how she was, she divided the family during my sons services. I have been dealing with her because noone else would, let them all take care of her and good fricken luck. I too dont' want to attend the service when she goes, because I don't trust myself, See the things she has says people believe which is one of the biggest issues I have. I want to set the record straight, somehow, She has smeared my name, and they funny thing is, I am the only one out of her kids, that graduated high school, went to college, raised all my kids, that all graduated, not to mention a couple foster kids, and at the present time and for the most part the only one of her kids that works.

All of you have such more complicated stories than I do, but every sentence of almost every situation pierces my heart.
My Mom is back in the hospital, her "local family" = PoA (caregiver&fantasy lover jointly - mother and son) and handyman (the other son) all gathered around her. I am enemy #1 today, best daughter yesterday and tomorrow. In between they bend her ear as to what is NOT in my family's best interest.

Yesterday my mother's sister went to visit her in the hospital and had "words" with the caregiver (granted she has been a housekeeper/friend/caregiver and in the family for 16 years) about not notifying any of us that Mom was taken to emergency. And the "words" mounted and mounted and things got ugly. Later the son/handyman called me and said he would "have his mother execute her PoA so that members of our family couldn't be around my mother and possibly insult his mother's integrity.

Obviously, this is nuts. Further, my mother's atty said it wasn't possible and I should contact another atty to seek guardianship. My own mother's atty!.

I'm done, however, as the money/possessions are no longer important. My mother is happy in her world of these people and I've done what I can. I just need to decide if I can bear to hear that phone ring (with my mom's own ringtone) not knowing whether I'm going to be belittled, or welcomed as her daughter.

She has asked me to leave her alone with regard to all legal matters (obviously) and continues to refuse a discussion of "what if" - as her health IS bad. I would know nothing of what to do - and again, at this point, it is what it is.

I loved whoever it was that said that about the front window being so much bigger than the rearview mirror. I hope so - tho' I'll never be able to stop looking back.

Both your mother and your sister are a lot alike. Sorry she is in the hospital, it sounds like sis couldn't handle it. Hold your head high, but do not buckle in and take her back, it will simply enable more abuse and accusations. Your siblings will soon come to realize that mom is disconnected, they have chosen to learn the hard way. The truth will set you free.

Hello. Big hug to you. You can't change what people think. Just be thankful that you have your life back and that you are no longer a caregiver.