Betrayed

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I have cared for my 91 year old mother for 16 plus years. She is a very difficult combative angry personality. Recently my alcoholic sister started criticizing everything thing about her care, and telling me that I was doing everything wrong. My mother always got beautiful care, home cooked meals, clean room, laundry, and I also acted as her healthcare aid. She lives with me and my family for the last 13 years. We had purchased her and my fathers house from her and spent 200K on upgrades so she could stay in her home. Now my sister questions the house claiming we were given a free home and me and my family have spent all her money. My mother doesn't have money. She lives on 1500 per month. Plus she is a severe diabetic atleast 3000 or more a year was spent on her medical. We have given her a beautiful home, but I am 56 and have a few issues myself and finally need a break now and again. My mother totally resisted saying "why do you need a break what do you do for me? she has said hateful things now for years...and done hateful things. Now my sister is saying we got a free house, spent all her money and abuse her. A huge fight ensued and the police were called by my sister. They found my mother to be in great shape and look great for 90. This is all over money. Now my mother lives with my sister and has totally disowned me and my family. My mother and my sister's family are spreading vicious rumors about us. Neighbors, friends, relatives and my mothers doctors, nursing home personnel have all said what great care my mother has always got. Me and my family are stunned and betrayed. Anyone out there been thru this or similar? Any words to help. Thanks.

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Hello. Big hug to you. You can't change what people think. Just be thankful that you have your life back and that you are no longer a caregiver.
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Both your mother and your sister are a lot alike. Sorry she is in the hospital, it sounds like sis couldn't handle it. Hold your head high, but do not buckle in and take her back, it will simply enable more abuse and accusations. Your siblings will soon come to realize that mom is disconnected, they have chosen to learn the hard way. The truth will set you free.
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All of you have such more complicated stories than I do, but every sentence of almost every situation pierces my heart.
My Mom is back in the hospital, her "local family" = PoA (caregiver&fantasy lover jointly - mother and son) and handyman (the other son) all gathered around her. I am enemy #1 today, best daughter yesterday and tomorrow. In between they bend her ear as to what is NOT in my family's best interest.

Yesterday my mother's sister went to visit her in the hospital and had "words" with the caregiver (granted she has been a housekeeper/friend/caregiver and in the family for 16 years) about not notifying any of us that Mom was taken to emergency. And the "words" mounted and mounted and things got ugly. Later the son/handyman called me and said he would "have his mother execute her PoA so that members of our family couldn't be around my mother and possibly insult his mother's integrity.

Obviously, this is nuts. Further, my mother's atty said it wasn't possible and I should contact another atty to seek guardianship. My own mother's atty!.

I'm done, however, as the money/possessions are no longer important. My mother is happy in her world of these people and I've done what I can. I just need to decide if I can bear to hear that phone ring (with my mom's own ringtone) not knowing whether I'm going to be belittled, or welcomed as her daughter.

She has asked me to leave her alone with regard to all legal matters (obviously) and continues to refuse a discussion of "what if" - as her health IS bad. I would know nothing of what to do - and again, at this point, it is what it is.

I loved whoever it was that said that about the front window being so much bigger than the rearview mirror. I hope so - tho' I'll never be able to stop looking back.
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It is so sad how all this goes down. I have a sister that lives in another state, who is the most disrespectful of them all. I am at a point now where I don't give a damn what anyone says, I know that if I wouldn't have stepped in, and trust me went through pure hell the woman wouldn't be diagnosed today. She continuously tells me horrible things about me, she talks to me horribly, but in hind site, she has done this all of my life. I have good days and bad days, some days it hurts, but it is compiling so much that I just dont even want to be near her. She has been jeolous of me, God knows why she has destroyed my life at every corner. I have people questioning over setting up Paratransit for her so she can get around on her own. Like what I am going to pay someone to kidnap her or something, give me a fricken break. I read a post here the other day about a friend of one of our "friends", that died at 53 taking care of his parent. I am so serious when I tell you that is reality for all of us in these terrible situations.
I lost my son 9 years ago, and you wouldn't believe how she was, she divided the family during my sons services. I have been dealing with her because noone else would, let them all take care of her and good fricken luck. I too dont' want to attend the service when she goes, because I don't trust myself, See the things she has says people believe which is one of the biggest issues I have. I want to set the record straight, somehow, She has smeared my name, and they funny thing is, I am the only one out of her kids, that graduated high school, went to college, raised all my kids, that all graduated, not to mention a couple foster kids, and at the present time and for the most part the only one of her kids that works.
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What I really wanted to say, is that how we respond to them is important. Really does it matter what our sibilings think anymore? No way. We know, and God knows, and as far as I am concerned in regard to the care that is all that matters. The things I want to resolve have been going on for years. Her age has nothing to do with the sociopath she is.
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It is so sad how all this goes down. I have a sister that lives in another state, who is the most disrespectful of them all. I am at a point now where I don't give a damn what anyone says, I know that if I wouldn't have stepped in, and trust me went through pure hell the woman wouldn't be diagnosed today. She continuously tells me horrible things about me, she talks to me horribly, but in hind site, she has done this all of my life. I have good days and bad days, some days it hurts, but it is compiling so much that I just dont even want to be near her. She has been jeolous of me, God knows why she has destroyed my life at every corner. I have people questioning over setting up Paratransit for her so she can get around on her own. Like what I am going to pay someone to kidnap her or something, give me a fricken break. I read a post here the other day about a friend of one of our "friends", that died at 53 taking care of his parent. I am so serious when I tell you that is reality for all of us in these terrible situations.
I lost my son 9 years ago, and you wouldn't believe how she was, she divided the family during my sons services. I have been dealing with her because noone else would, let them all take care of her and good fricken luck. I too dont' want to attend the service when she goes, because I don't trust myself, See the things she has says people believe which is one of the biggest issues I have. I want to set the record straight, somehow, She has smeared my name, and they funny thing is, I am the only one out of her kids, that graduated high school, went to college, raised all my kids, that all graduated, not to mention a couple foster kids, and at the present time and for the most part the only one of her kids that works.
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As far as paperwork goes, my husband and I have owned the house outright for 16 years now. it was all done legally thru lawyer, passing papers, etc. with my mother present. As far as stealing from her, which is so false, my name was on her savings and checking acct joint with her. I had been her poa and made withdrawals from her account with her permission, which legally was not needed as my name was on her account.
It is so ridiculous, we are not talking the Kennedy fortune here. Over the course of 16 years, 13,000 was withdrawn totally from her account to cover all of her miscellaneous expense, medical, and basic living expenses. So, please, to have anyone ever say we stole from her is ridiculous. She is not a wealthy woman. So we are definitely legally covered regarding the house and any allegations. But thanks for the heads up. We are being very cautious....but so should they now there is such a thing as defamation of character and slander.
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It is said a clean conscience makes the softest pillow. If you can walk away with a clean conscience that may be reward enough for your devoted care. You can choose to let the rest of family grovel in their self-centered behavior and not let it be your problem. You have walked the high road. Look forward to a wonderful future. There is a reason the windshield is so much larger than the rear view mirror.
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Betrayed, I'm so disappointed that your niece was able to be dissuaded by her alcoholic mother to join the forces against you. It's too bad. But I agree with you. Now you know whom to trust and whom not to trust. I hope you're able to move on with your life with your immediate family. I'd also start gathering all necessary documents in case they take you to court. This way, when they do come for you, you're prepared and not acting like a chicken with no head. I wish you well.

You will update us if they do try to do worse, won't you? I always wonder when this happens - on what happened to the caregiver. Only one poster that I know of came back and told us the results of her family accusing her of stealing from their father and when he died, they had nothing but caregiver had the house, etc... She won in court. It was all done legally and there was no proof that she stole from him.
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Glad to hear you finally have some closure. Make sure your horse is fed and watered and get the H-E- double hockey sticks out of dodge and DONT look back.
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