The abuse continues.......abused by 88 year old mother!

Nobody would treat me with such disrespect in my home, especially if I am caring for them. Alternative living arrangements would happen! You deserve the same consideration. Giving her that ultimatum could change her attitude at least toward you. The fear is part of dementia and cannot be helped. She is not so far into dementia that she is not aware of causing you the emotional abuse. She is doing what a child would try to do towards an adult in not getting their way. Stand firm against this negative behavior. Your mother needs to know you will no longer tolerate the disrepsectful name calling.

Sounds like my world. She suffers from several issues and was just prescribed meds for anxiety. She is has calmed down, but I feel guilty so not sure if I want to continue them. If only there was a happy medium. I have a two story house and when I am not cooking or cleaning my office is also my bedroom, I have to stay here. She can be so mean, calls me fat, etc.... hates what I cook. But I love her she is my mom, I just know dealing with a verbal abusive parent sucks. Oh yeah, and anything she cant find - I took it, broke it, sold it. etc.. lol. I have the talk if you think it is bad here, happy hills rehab is worse! But that works for a while, but my mom is a 80 year old 3 year old, her mind does not reason like a fully functionally adult will. So Debralee, it is like a kid, you have to repeat often.

I think the only thing that keeps me partly sane is knowing how aging affects the elderly mind and that we are dealing with people who do not have all of their mind functions. I'm starting to lose my mind from dealing with all this craziness....lol ! I gripe and complain, but I'm a good soldier and do my "job" and in the end I'll be left with bitter memories. To see the aging process first hand is a terrible experience. I guess this is part of the living hell that some of the unlucky ones have to go through.

Roscoe - Glad to hear that you cut the puppet strings for a little while and did get away for a few hours. Whether you stay or get away, your mother will still be abusive, so you may as well get away a bit. I gather from other posts of yours that she was always difficult, so this is not necessarily a matter of age. I have known many older people who have been very nice till the end. My mother has been miserable all her life and at 101 still is. The aging process is not necessarily a terrible thing. I am 76 and still have a life, despite a few ailments, and am not miserable to those around me.
debralee - I agree with you and I have given ultimatums occasionally. They do have an effect if you follow through, though mother is still difficult to deal with.
mover2 - why do you feel guilty about your mum being on meds that calm her? Surely her life is better and so is yours, She may have an imbalance of brain chemicals and the meds could be righting that balance. My mother was prescribed a meds for paranoia and her anxiety decreased considerably. I don't see anything to feel guilty about if your mum's quality of life has improved.
roscoe - why don't you start building some good memories in your life?

My Mom is very similar to yours. Everything that happens is my fault. She calls me a bitch, tells me to f**k off, accuses me of stealing, is very confrontational. I know it is hard. Do you go to a support group? I was told by the Alzheimer's Association to walk away when my Mom acts this way. But it still hurts.

Go to your room (install a lock if you have to) and give yourself time to calm down. Find out (if you have the time) about elder resources so maybe you can get someone to come in and help. I would lose my mind if we didn't have caregivers. I also try to remind myself "she has a disease & her brain is dying," to remain calm, but it is still hard to take.

I don't know if your Mom has Dementia (it sounds possible), so I disagree with Debralee. The Alzheimer's Association says you can NEVER win an argument with someone with Dementia, and giving someone ultimatums isn't going to work. She will either not care (because she thinks she is always right) or forget what you say -- believe me, I know that for a fact. Also, as I've seen others suggest, get her to the doctor and get her on some meds to help with her aggressive attitude & have her tested for Dementia.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm looking into assisted living communities because I just can't handle it much longer. And that is going to be hell because the only way she will go is kicking and screaming. Not to mention the guilt I feel for even considering it.

I'm working really hard to not allow my Mom to suck my soul dry with. All her anger & hatefulness. But it is really hard. Do your best to reach out for support and do not give her the power to hurt you. She is sick & doesn't realize she is sick. My Mom's been in denial for 2 years. Contact me anytime. I'm pretty good at doing research if you need help.

Roscoe....maybe change your thought, when you can anyways, thankful you have this time with her. Some peeps lose folks to young. I know thats hard at times, it a balancing act.

No matter where I go in the house, my mother wants to know where I am and what I'm doing. When I complain about the prison like conditions here for me and the bizarre situation I'm in.....my mother always gives her trademark reply...."you don't know what other people do". That her way of saying that there are many others in the same crazy life that I have to live. Picture this.....I get up in the morning and cannot go anywhere without my mother there with me. I cannot go anywhere or I catch hell from her. I have given up on even trying to go anywhere because I know the repercussions. Caring for an elderly person is like caring for a little preschooler......maybe worse. Even if someone has children, they go to school eventually and you get a break. I went to college with guys who met a girl there and got married and had a family. I was not able to do any of that because my life sentence was imposed when my father died when I was 15. That set the path that my life has followed to this day. I'm a prisoner to my life every single day. I'm getting older and all the fun years are passing. I have missed vacations, travel.....you name it because of my caregiver role. But, what else could I do.....as bad as it is.....I would not have it any other way. Sound crazy? Absolutely!, but I guess my life story will offer some good gossip for friends/neighbors. They can talk about that grown man who lived his whole life with his mother and never had his "own life". Call it a curse......a victim of circumstance......or maybe 'that's just the way the ball bounces", but this is my life......welcome to living hell! As i have said before, my mother would not have it any other way. This is what she wants.....and she gets what she wants. I just "swallow the pill" each day and try to shrug it off and say to myself......"why me"? This has to be some meaning behind all of this. Am I being tested? Why me?

Here we go again.

Nobody can hurt us or make us a prisoner unless we let them? Sounds to me that you could do with more time to yourself and need to start thinking about yourself and your needs for a change?

roscoe, your story is the same as most of ours. life passing you by, taking a mental beating, etc. its HARD ammit. a lot of things are hard. its fine to vent here but the solution is within yourself. dig deeper.

I can't believe I've found others like me. I care for an x-husband who is a mean sob. He is 73 and has dementia. We have a son and no one else. If it wasn't for my caring for him, he probably would be dead. I have taken care of him for 4 years and it is getting worse each day. He verbaly and has physically abused me. We rented a house together when he was still ok because it was financially beneficial for us both. Now I'm stuck. I have to leave and live on my ss of less than a grand to get away. I am pursueing other ways to live and am scared beyond words. But I'm scared of him hurting me when he goes into his mean and hateful ways. He has hurt me! i,'m in hell! I have a helper come in two days a week for four hours each and this has helped me maintain my sanity. I's crazy to live like this! How could wanting to help someone turn into this nightmare?

Roscoe-you have to practice detatchment-try not to respond to her crazy statements-it is hard in the beginning-you not saying anything to respond to what she says may help-I learned to walk away when my husband was on a rant and also pretended I did not hear him-I felt more in control-maybe it is time for placement and you may want to bring the subject up with her-not to argue but to present it as a method to make her life better since she seems to hate you-it would be an option for her since she is so unhappy.

Get some help for yourself. Also read up on paranoid personality disorder. You are fighting a losing battle if this applies to your mother. I have had a very difficult time with my mother. Besides her narcissistic tendencies, she is very paranoid. It occurred to me one day recently when I realized she has not had one good thing to say about anyone, ever. A lot of mom's problem is thinking everyone is not worthy of her trust and thinking she deserves their attention at all times. Makes for a very strange individual.

I will not live with mom and you don't need to live with your mother either. She sounds as if she needs medications and you need your own space.

dads same way with his computer. 'put my computer back, this is elder abuse!!' i find these notes like that. i keep telling him computers often go wonky, turn it off and wait for about an hour. nope. I MUST have broken it. nevermind mines not working either

wow- why don't you get some home health aides to come in a take care of your mother and some household chores while you take off and see a movie or go on a date. Take your mom to respite care. Those things are paid for by medicaid I think. I would try anything to get away from my parent if they were negative nancy like that.
sry to hear of your struggles. My dad is negative and unhappy but he is at a nursing home and to me that is part of what is paid for. :) LOL

I gave my mother her meds this morning and eye drops. I said "lets go....the same routine"......meaning it's the same old thing everyday. She got mad at that......the way I said it. I challenge anyone of you to match what I have done.....did you quit your job? do you stay at home constantly? did you basically give up your life to be a caregiver? I could go on and on. Am I stupid for doing this? Absolutely! Is it a crazy life I have? Absolutely! But, this is what I have lived all of my life......my mother would not have it any other way. Even in her younger years she was relentless in getting her way with me......I have missed out on many things because of her selfishness......you name it.......travel, vacations, dating, female company. My mother ruled with an "iron fist"! She has never given up on the control factor. But on the crazy flip side of things......even if I had a choice, i would probably do the same thing. I guess it was a very dysfunctional life......and it started with the death of my father when I was 15. That layed the ground work that my like has followed to this day. I guess I'm just venting again......letting all of you know that I take first place in the "caregiver hell" category! I have got to have the most bizarre life!

First, Roscoe, let me send you my condolences and understanding. My mother has become increasingly nasty to me over the years. I live 1700 miles from her so going to visit is tantamount to volunteering for abuse.
However you don't mention anything about a diagnosis for your mom. It is common for demented patients to get increasingly nasty to those around them. you cannot argue with them because they truly don't understand what is happening to them or around them. A strategy I evolved when visiting my mother, is that if she starts verbally abusing me, I remove myself from the room. Then, a few minutes later, she wonders where I am, and I only see her again if she agrees to be pleasant. This works for at least a few minutes, but I'm not living with her and I doubt it would work over such an extended amount of time as you are around your own mother.
I strongly suggest you be very open with your mother's doctor about her behavior. See if there is a caregiver's support network of some kind in your city, and talk with them about what local options you may have (respite, residential care, etc.)
It makes you feel like you are going crazy, but you are not. You are not the problem here, but you are the only one who can look for a solution since your Mom is incapable. Do you have a sibling or cousin who could care for her for a time so you can get a break? And if you are feeling desperate and worried about your own behavior or thoughts, talk to your own doctor right away.
Good luck, and let me know how you are doing.

Only YOU can change this situation!

I agree with assandache7. My mother is EXACTLY like this. I was NOT forewarned by my siblings of her temperament before she moved in with me. My 2 children, husband and I dealt with the abuse for approximately 3 months before I put her in a nursing home. My own kids had never really known their grandma before this, and now they absolutely HATE her. She has recently been diagnosed with early on-set dementia, due to her stroke several years earlier.

To this day, she still throws things at me and yells at me constantly. Anything that is wrong, is completely my fault. I do NOT engage. As soon as she starts acting like a nuthouse, I walk out of the room and don't come back. (I used to do this when she lived me with, as well) Drives her nuts, but she eventually cools down and wants to be "awesome" mommy again a few hours later. However, even if she is in awesome mommy mode - she still spreads lies and insults me to anyone who will listen. Hence, I keep my distance.

Also, when she was living with me...I didn't just "give her a few minutes". I turned on a baby monitor and left her alone to do her own thing for an hour or two (watching tv, reading, etc). I didn't need to HOVER over her when she was acting like that. If she wasn't being fed, changed, bathed, given prescriptions...then I wasn't needed. A baby monitor helped me because I could walk around the house and do what I wanted to do, all the while making sure she was okay. As soon as she started cursing at my kids was when I drew the line and put her in a home. She would actually call them into her room just to yell at them over some perceived slight!

It sucks that this is how it has to be, but my family and I come first. Anyone that treats me or my children like that, no matter the circumstances, can stew in their own hate for a while by themself!

I suggest getting your mother into a facility. Either assisted living or a nursing home.

It sounds like you have become "institutionalized." If you want to try at a life get your mother into care and start from scratch while you have a chance. Otherwise you will be like a june bug caught in a mason jar, and once the lid is off, you won't fly out, you're afraid or your just "used" to it. It is not normal trust us.

Roscoe, I was raised close to this way by my parents. I STRONGLY recommend you buy the book: BOUNDARIES by Cloud and Townsend....2 physicians. You have every right to set boundaries that allow YOU to have your own life. When you are a caretaker to a parent, your primary responsibility is to assure their safety. It is NOT to be their slave or meet their every need to your own detriment. I was controlled but did manage to marry and make a life away from them, but emotionally, all they had to was 'be upset' about something and I could be hooked. Boundaries helped me a lot. It has a Christian focus, but it's not over done or preachy. I took 1 or 2 ideas at a time, and 'tried' them out on my Mom. Surprise! They work! Once YOU change your behavior and Mom doesn't get the same response, she has no choice but to change herself. My mother still tries, but I have been able to follow more and more of the suggestions. When she whines and bitches and tells me what 'everyone else's family does for them', I just sweetly say, " Well, for us, that isn't one of the choices, so what else can you suggest?" She shuts up because there is no 'everyone else' and she's simply saying what she wants to make me feel bad. I live 5 hrs away, run a home business, have a husband with his own health issues, and she wants a daughter who comes to live with her and become her 'be all and end all'. Sorry, that's what my husband gets now that I am married. But if you are single, you have the same rights as a human being....to be happy, do things, meet people. If there are resources, hire a caregiver. If no resources, get with a senior organization and try to find some volunteer help. Find your own place if you can, but at least, get a few evenings out with others and a couple days per week. Perhaps she could go to a senior day care, where there will be other seniors, some activities and a nice lunch...a few days per week. They will even come pick up in some towns. Get the book. Take control of your life before yours is over too!

Well gang, it's been awhile, but my bro and I have no choice now, but to throw in the white towel, as far as us trying to keep mom at home; and trying to be her caregivers. She called Dept of Social Services w/serious lies/accusation...yes we have proof of her lying but we have been cooked, flipped, and over done. We will be looking into AL or something soon.

Trycope51, Know only too well about being cooked, flipped and over done, a mind cluster for sure.

Roscoe888: my question is this, have you felt like you're in a prison ever since you were 15 years old? If not, then why is it NOW that you're feeling like this? Have you just reached your limit or has something happened that has made you suddenly so regretful of what you've missed? Because unless you've stopped breathing, it's NOT too late to make some changes, starting with the obvious... having someone else care for your mother while you take a break. For heaven's sake man, MOTHER WILL GET OVER IT when you put someone else in charge while you take a cruise or whatever. She won't die of throwing a hissy fit when a stranger is left to care for her for awhile. Take back control that you relinquished decades ago, and take a break. Also, you can't be any fun to live with for her either to be honest. With the attitude you're throwing her way every time you tell her to do something, whether it's a routine or not. We've all been around people that are crabby, and believe me IT'S NOT A PICNIC! The two of you have gotten yourselves into this predicament so now it's time to re-group and make changes. Get with it. Time to break the cycle.

If your mom has always been like this, then it's an ongoing problem. I would let her know this behavior is not appropriate and that it has to stop. Explain that the two of you are adults and should be able to discuss any issues that come up. If this isn't your mom's normal behavior maybe she has some dementia that is causing the lack of inhibitions. My grandmother had some strange ideas which would follow along the lines of your mom thinking you broke the furnace. Being a caregiver is not easy and it can take it's toll. Contact your local area agency on aging and ask what services they have available; there should be senior care and national family caregiver programs. I would speak to your mother's physician regarding the anxiety she is feeling and include in the discussion some of the behaviors/thoughts you are seeing from her. The national family caregiver support program can offer respite; someone is paid to stay with your mom while you take a break. The agency on aging can also inform you of any other services they have available. Like you I am a caregiver and I sometimes find it stressful; I have my own medical issues and a lot of stress at work. I know how difficult it can be; this online support group can help as can a local support group-ask your agency on aging where the local support group is held. Good luck

Roscoe, you can actually get to the place where YOU do what YOU want to, deal with Mom the way YOU want to, and it doesn't hurt a bit. (If you are like me, you might even get to enjoy turning the tables a bit!) Just keep on helping yourself to a better life - you'll find you like it, Mom won't die or anything like it..

Hummm, we can't even hire somebody to come in too tend to mom, because we will be liable if she hauls off and hit them... Mom made accusation to Dept of Social Services (14Nov13) that I pushing her down (86 skcizo w/paranoid features/Demensia), she bumped head on the wall, and her back was hurting. Mom neglected to tell them that she attacked me and had me pinned to the frt door...but what she didn't know is that I took pictures of my injuries fr her attacking me, and had already reported the incident (same night) to the police (28May13). She also neglected to tell them that she attacked me in the court house in frt of judge, her 2 lawyers, my bro, and camera's rolling at the court house (16May13). Now as of to date, her allegations has back fired on her, now they (DSS) handed me papers to take to her doc to see what type of facility she should be placed in... They already told me what I was thinking will not work (AL), due to the fact she might try hitting patients, so it has to be more restricted... What a can of worms she has opened all by herself, trying to get back at me for doing guardianship/rep-payee on her...

Roscoe, why you? God wants you to learn how to stand up to your mother and have a life. He keeps making you more and more miserable because he thinks, "At some point, Roscoe will realize that he doesn't have to live this way!"

You win an award for persistence. You keep doing the same thing over and over. If you want a different result, try doing something different.

To the newcomers - We are a little hard on Roscoe because we've known him for a while. We want him to recognize that he has the power to make changes in his life, that he doesn't have to be a victim.

I just moved to a small town in Florida to be near my mother who is 88 after my father died last year. I put my daughter in high school here and it has been hell. Even though, I have my own condo, I feel like I am in a crazy controlled environment along with my 64 year old sister who is going insane and having issues of here own. This is taking a toll on my daughter, she hates it here and not performing in school. Reading your stories has helped me understand this a little better. On a given week I can get 10 of the most nasty emails from my sister. I have had to block her number from cell and shut off my home phone. It is so hostile and crazy...I will do anything to leave in the next few months and go back to where I was living before.

Mom: "YOU SON OF A BITCH!!"

You: "Why yes, I AM!"

Exit stage right.