I feel like I just can't take it anymore.

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I've been caring for my father who has the combined illnesses of complete kidney failure (dialysis 3x week), congestive heart, vascular disease, one leg that is fused, extreme joint pain, pulmony problems and arrhythmia. Luckily his mind is sharp with no major signs of dementia. He is 82, and doing much better than the dr.s could ever have expected. That means he's holding on, not doing well. In fact, he is constanty in terrible pain, often has uncontrollable bleeding from the fistula site, mini strokes, heart problems etc. etc.etc. I have to call 911 at least every other month for some new thing. He has been this way for almost three years now. I have two selfish vicious sisters who live ten minutes away each, but have chosen to let me do it all because I was living in dad's house when he got sick. I am 52!!!! I was only living here temporarily after a terrible divorce, and then he got sick. I adore my dad, and would never leave him. The problem is these two rotten selfish women who are more concerned with their plastic surgeries, and screwing around than they are helping dad and I. They have never liked me, and have always been a two girl gang, but come on..... they're 50 and 40!!!!!!! I am disabled, and on many days can't walk at all. I also suffer extreme depression, and actually had to be hospitalized for a week last summer. No one called ever once to ask if they could do anything or how I was. They NEVER ask if we need help, or offer to kindly talk. They treat me like absolute crap, and I find myself blowing up at them occasionally because I simply cannot take it. It's just become WAY too much. I am criticized, and treated horriffically by them behind my dads back. Of course he is oblivious to all this, and is in fact in denial about the situation! I do everything...EVERYTHING associated with his care. I feel like I want to get in my car and just drive away forever. I do see a therapist, and many other dr.s, but this whole thing has aged me at least ten years. I am beyond exhausted and no longer know how to cope. I go out two times a week to hear music, and if my leg allows, I walk in the woods a tiny bit. I am an artist, but since I've been here I have been artistically frozen completely. I do not work aside from my grueling job here, do to my disabilities. I really need to connect to others in my same situation. Thanks for listening.

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Hello I can understand all these comments And how you all feel I feel the same way I'm a live in caregiver to my sister motherlaw And her physical health is good Mental declining She smart me off sometime I know it the dementia But it very stressful I wish i could get out Find a job And have outlet But it turn into 24 7 I feel like it just me and her daughter that cares And does everything for her But the situations here has changed her daughter has gotten a job So everything is on me Fell like i;m been taking advantage of And I have no place to live or the financial stable I feel like i'm losing all my social and work skills I ready to get my life back I hope that not selfish It seem like nothing changes Life of a caregiver Especially dementia is hard But i do best I can i could use some prayers Carolyn
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Haaaaaaaa . . . Thanks for the luv! I'm usually the one sprinkling the fairy dust!!!! Today is the very first time in three years that I decided to join a forum like this. I guess it was just time to do so, and I'm soooo happy I did. I felt much better after bitching the truth to people who are swimming in my pool! I don't talk too much about this to friends because it gets so heavy. Only a tiny bit of chat with the "unburdoned" folk makes a huge impression! I also like to try my best to stay positive. I hope I will be able to pass on my good energy to the rest of you! You all made my day! Good Night angels . . .
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End, um, maybe you were adopted? Well, if you don't feel better after today, we're all going to fly by and sprinkle you with fairy dust. Right now, all I can do is send you a great big {{{{{{{{{{{Cyber HUG}}}}}}}}}} Squeeze!!!!
Now I have to fix dInner! Check in mañana! Love, Christina xo
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Thanks guys! His needs are not always that bad. I just need to be here because unexpected things happen all the time. His problems are not obvious as many others are. His Dr. described his condition as "A house of cards" meaning the least little thing could end it instantly. A fall, a cold or virus, a drop in blood pressure, bleeding, a coronary attack, mini strokes which he's had, an arterial blockage, congestive heart failure or just pure lack of being able to tolerate the dialysis one day. That's part of what makes it so difficult. He needs help walking at times, all household chores done, all cooking, dressing sores and controling bleeding, catching him if he falls and getting him up if he falls out of bed. The last one is particularily hard because one of his legs is fused and extremely painful. It took me an hour one day just to figure out a way to get him up. One time he fell out of bed and broke his ribs. Once he fell trying to get the paper and fractured his pelvis. He is totally stubborn which only exacerbates everything. He screams at me all the time, but I know it is only his frustration of not having control over anything anymore. It's hard for me to clean due to my bad ankle, hips and back. I was born with extremely bad hip dysplasia, and was in a terrible split brace from 3 1/2 till 5 1/2 followed by two more years in a wheelchair. At the age of 28 I had 4 11hr (bilateral osteomoties) surgeries on both hips. In 2001 I had them replaced, but the weakness from undeveloped soft tissue is forever. All this combined with psychological issues certainly does not make me a perfect choice of the primary!!!! LOL! Still, I muddle along. I also had two bowel obstructions this past year, one resulting in surgery followed by a 17 day stay in the hospital. The sisters had no choice to step up, but they did not so much as pick up a crumb! I came home violently sick to a filthy house, piled with laundry and tons of fast food containers!!! They never even cooked for him! These are two able bodied women who do not work or have children at home!!!!!! The first night I was home dad started to pass out, and I heard him in the kitchen. Luckily I was close by and caught him. The problem was that I was so weak, and not allowed to lift more than 3lbs for a month!!!!! I ended up having another one three months ago, and was in for 8 days, but luckily it worked itself out. It happened because I had no help the time before, and reinjured myself. They never helped once, and in fact were pissed that dad had to even worry about me!!!! The gaul of them is beyond belief! I have just finally hit a point where my mind and body are so tired. Last summer I got so overloaded that I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for a week just to rest!!!! Again, they were pissed, blaming me for "upsetting dad"!!! I feel alone, lonely, isolated and tired. I have no current relationship nor will I. It is not a good time to get involved with someone when I can't give my full attention to it. It just sucks, and I feel like bitching today!!! I almost never do this as I don't think it is really helpful or productive, but today I feel like total crap!!!
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End-1111: leave the window open, dear one. Never say never:) It is commendable to be so devoted, and we all are, but life takes unexpected turns.
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I understand. I felt the same way until the health decline symptoms were too much for a non-medical person to handle. Even then, I was resistant to the inevitable. Yes, hospital stays are a mixed bag. We feel scared, all alone, and have a few moments to breathe. Hang in there. God bless you!
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Thank you too for the suggestion! The mere thought of the reprieve helped :") He was in the hospital last month for 8 days, and I must admit it was a huge rest. Sad, but a real rest!
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Never! He has always been there for me... always. His mind is perfectly lucid, and even if it weren't I would never do it. I don't believe in it personally. He is an amazing man, and probably the finest I have ever known. I'll admit I've envied those who've been freed of the hell of this seemingly neverending nightmare, but it is not an option. My combination of complicated circumstances has truly clipped my wings. Karma's a bitch though, and my sisters are starting to recieve theirs in spades. We all must live in the bed we make!
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Thank you all for your kind words of support. It means a lot!
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Hi, endofmyrope1111. Your sharing reminds me that caregiving will break even the strongest among us. Your depression is understandable as you are dealing with so much including your Dad's declining health and your life being practically at a standstill because of the circumstances in which you find yourself. I have never had to deal with sour relatives, but can identify with your feelings of depression and wanting to drive and never stop. Difficult though it may be, there comes a time that you will need to come to terms with the fact that your Dad is not getting any better, and neither are you. His best care is probably in a nursing home of your (and his) choosing somewhere, sooner rather than later, to allow you to emotionally and physically heal. You have endured a marathon. You have also done your best. It's time to free yourself from the vicious cycle of your idle sisters and marathon eldercare to do what's best for both you and your Dad. Sounds like you are at the threshold of the next step in your Dad's eldercare and the first day of the rest of your life. You are not getting younger and neither is your Dad. Make it easier on both of you. There is no shame in recognizing when we have done as much as we can do humanly. Blessings, healing and peace to you. I so understand your weary spirit.
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