We have lived together for 14 years now...that is after I moved out of the family home originally. Then my mother died. My husband and I just had gotten married. We have not been alone since. Now Father's mental capacity is declining. His judgements with regard to caring for himself and his environment, and safety has gone down hill. He really should have more assistance and supervision that we can give since we both work. We have talked to Father about a Residential Care Home. One day he is okay with it the next rebellious. He has told me that he regretted moving in with us. I have to say that it was the worse decision I ever made. I am at the end of my tolerance. It shouldnt be this way. I think we would be better off apart...perhaps have a better relationship all around. My marriage is suffering. We have to be apart. But Father is laying on the guilt...he now loves it here, doesnt want to leave. He says all his friends are here...What friends? He has chosen a isolated, stagnant life in a lawn chair in front of the tv. I had encouraged activities and clubs but he refused for 14 years. Friends...there are a few old neighbors who have since moved out of the neighborhood that come see him sometimes. I am sure where ever he is they will visit. We cant live together much longer...we will all go mad. I dont know what to do...who to tell him what must happen for all our best. I envision crying, pleading, hatred for me...there is guilt no matter...Help
I don't even know where to begin. My heart goes out to your post. I hear you girl. What a way to start off your marriage.
My dad is only 64 and there is no mental diminishment but he is a real "challenge." He is paralyzed from the waist down and while this is a very depressing condition, he is at least partially responsible for it but will never admit to that. (long story) Since this, his other health conditions have worsened. Fortunately he has helpers who come to his home and help with ADLs. I got him enrolled and moved into an assisted living (one where he could even have his pets!) which he moved himself out of within 5 weeks and went back to his home.
He has always been a self-imposed hermit even long before his legs stopped working. He is divorced three times, has NO other family or friends and I am an only child. IE the punching bag. Your comment about the TV and lawnchair really hit home.
Guilt is such an ugly thing to use against someone. It takes the love that a person has for another and USES IT AGAINST them. Think about that.
You and your husband really need to have your privacy. It sounds harsh, but we are only human and have limits. We are not machines. Don't take your marriage for granted - even the BEST marriages fail from too much unrelenting stress with no end or let up.
I find it interesting how you said "But Father is laying on the guilt...he now loves it here, doesnt want to leave. He says all his friends are here...What friends?" It seems that his brain is still working well enough to manipulate you. You also said that "He has told me that he regretted moving in with us." You might try something like "Since you say you regret it, let's go visit a few ALs to make you feel better about that."
My dad's temper goes through the roof at me. I walk on eggshells not to upset him but it can be impossible. You said that "I think we would be better off apart...perhaps have a better relationship all around." I found that by "managing" fewer of my dad's issues (even if things worsen), we DO get along better. For awhile anyway. He still wants me to do his checkbook, banking, etc. and write out his bills, but when I inform him (I even say "Dad I don't want to upset you but X is what you have left in the bank) how is savings is dwindling due to his foolish decisions, I am told that I am always critical and come over to his home just to aggravate him. He never hears the praise I give him for this or that. It is always negative. He has also ALWAYS been this way.
Sorry for venting on your question but you are not alone out there. I understand that your dad is probably afraid and all. How about YOU being afraid of ending up divorced? There are limits to all of this. We all have different circumstances and just try to do the best we can. You need to find another living situation for your dad. Good luck and hang in there.
I am putting my foot down though that I will not let him destroy my marriage or emotionally scar my little girl. What can I do?
You go out and check out residential care homes. Find 2 you like. Take him to the top 2 and let him choose the one he likes best. Tell him you'll inform his neighborhood "friends" of his new location so they can visit him there.
I agree with Frazzled that it may possibly help to have his doctor recommend to your dad that he move to a facility with professional care.