My 94-y-o mom and I have been living together in her home for 10+ years and I've pulled her through non-Hodgkins lymphoma when we first moved here and a couple of falls since. She's basically pretty together for 94 except for mobility problems -- uses a walker, verrrrrryyy slowly. Her legs have been swollen for several years with none of her doctors able to get to the root of the problem. She's had little or no social life except to go out once in awhile with me and my friends, who have most graciously and patiently accommodated her.
This past spring I was diagnosed with lung cancer. Early in the morning of the day I was supposed to have my first chemo, she fell. I was the one who called Lifeline for help, and while we were waiting for them to arrive, my oncologist's office called, one of my drugs did not come in. Long story short,my treatment was postponed a week.
Mom went to ER, was in hospital a week, then transferred to rehab. She is to be discharged later this week but we are having a terrible time resolving where. The geriatric care manager who is working with us, my lung cancer support group, my friends (who include several cancer survivors themselves and a former hospital administrator) -- to a person, everyone says my mom should absolutely not come back to the house while I am having my treatments (if all goes well, that should be about two more months). Emphasis is on a stress free environment for me during a life threatening illness.
Care mgr and I are trying to get her to do respite as a temporary, trial step, MAYBE with an eye to coming back to the house, MAYBE with a home health aide as needed. But even though we've visited a couple of very nice adult group homes together, Mom is dead set against it in her heart. She's says some pretty mean things that I think are more about losing independence and control than against me personally,but they sure do hurt anyway. And she's convinced I don't truly love her no matter what I say.
I have been trying to bring mom along gently (in my mind) but in my exasperation know it hasn't felt gentle to her. She's even asked why shouldn't she be the one to stay in her house and I (age 64 and otherwise ok except for the cancer...!) go into assisted living... Any suggestions will be welcome!