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My mom has been in a nursing home/rehab since December. Prior to that she was living alone. She is unable to move in with any family. I was doing all of the caregiving, going shopping, laundry, pills, daily calls, doctor's, finances, etc. She went into rehab a year ago last May due to hypertensive encephalopathy. While there, they explained to me that she really shouldn't be living alone and we needed to get her on Medicaid. I started the process alone, as my brother didn't agree. They made me cancel appointments and wouldn't let me set anything up. Now she is at the point where she must have someone at home with her. We applied for Medicaid and she was approved. We were supposed to convert her over to community Medicaid and bring her home with a home health aide. However, my brother and mother were the ones pushing for this. I feel she needs more structure (so do her doctors and therapists).


I guess the biggest issue is that while I do everything, my brother is the one she praises. I take her out every Saturday and visit her during the week. I take her to appointments and get everything she wants. During the vast majority of these visits/outings, she has been abusive towards me. Both verbally and emotionally. I kept telling her if she continued to act like that I wouldn't do it anymore, but never followed through. Well, she finally got the assessment by the MLTC plan for home health care. They only allotted her 26 hours a week, which is not enough. Too boot, my husband had to go to the assessment because my brother has been MIA and I had to work. Although my brother is the one who wants her to go home and has POA, he has done nothing to get her there. I know if she goes home, especially with only 26 hours, I will be beyond stressed out and abused by her. So I told both her and the company helping us to get the Medicaid coverage, that I am no longer willing to help. If my brother wants her home, he can be the one to go through these meetings and set everything up. Needless to say, he isn't responding and now my mother is pitching a fit. She is calling everyone she knows trying to get to me. I have not called her and plan on taking the weekend off. I just wanted to put it down here to work through some of the awful guilt I am feeling.

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She has long term nursing now. My brother and mother want to convert her from that to home health care.
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Stick by your guns. Please, don't give in. Maybe you should change that home help into long term nursing. Really surprised that after a year, that wasn't suggested. Explain that you can't be there 24/7 and she needs more care than you can give.

Enjoy your weekend away.
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Update: My brother seems to be going MIA and she now has my uncle trying to get her home. Mind you, I am sure that nobody will help with anything once she is home and she will end up back in the hospital within a month. In order to try and make them realize they have to take responsibility, I told them I am moving out of state June 10. I will actually be at a wedding out of state that weekend, but I figured I needed to do something drastic for them to realize they cannot just get her home and plan on having me step in to pick up the pieces.
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My SIl is one of 3 children. Her Mom is in her mid 70s and has been a widow about five years. Even though she is living in a senior living community, she expected my SIL to take her wherever she needed to go. This could be 8pm at night to pick up a prescription she could have taken the community bus to get. Then when she got her meds wanted to grocery shop. My SIL works. The last straw was driving eight hrs from NC to NJ for a wedding that was half an hour from my home and staying for just the ceremony and food. Wanted t go home when the party started. SIL was livid. See, when her Dad died younger sister took Mom to have her made DPOA. This sister had no idea what that entailed but now she does. SIL told her Mom that she should start using the communities bus to get her to appts and doctor visits and sister should be the person she calls for everything else.
Guilt is so lousy. My guilt will come from not having patience with my Mom. But...I have done my share and more. You have probably done ur share. Brother needs to step up to the plate. It's no longer the oldest girls responsibility it's a family responsibility.
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It certainly is dysfunctional. Perhaps my use of the term "slave" was too strong. My mother has said out loud (in the middle of the Coumadin clinic) that she doesn't know what people do who don't have daughters. And in the opthalmologist's office when the dr. pointed out she was doing so well for someone her age she said, "Lucky for HER!" while looking in my direction.

My own mother took her mother into our home, so I'm sure she expects me to help her. I'm the only local child. I wonder what it would be like if any of my brothers were local, also?
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CTTN you said "Daughters are supposed to be their elderly mothers' slaves -- I do think society expects that of us." I do not doubt you are speaking the truth from your own observations.

But be assured that this is not a universal condition. It wasn't expected in my extended family. None of my aunts took my grandmother in. None of my cousins took my aunts in. Nobody looked at us funny when we decided Mom would get the best care in a nursing home. Perhaps at the heart of this is that no one in my extended family had the notion that daughters were to be slaves to anybody -- not their husbands, not their parents. I think expecting any child to be a "slave" is not mainstream American culture. I think it is dysfunctional.
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Thank you everyone for the support. She is currently in a nursing home where my cousin works. My cousin sees her 5 days a week and even takes her down to rehab (she's a physical therapist assistant.) She now has Medicaid so can stay there. She is also in NY, which allows someone to go to an Assisted Living Program with community Medicaid. I put her on two wait lists for some very nice places, but they both have approximately year long waiting lists. I believe she is able to stay where she is until if/when an assisted living spot becomes available to her. I have stuck to my guns for this week. Although she isn't calling me, she has called my cousin and my uncle to ask them to take her to the bank and to her apartment to shower. My uncle called me to find out the situation and he agrees with me, so he told her he would visit her, but not take her home. He also plans on telling her and having her other sister tell her that she is in the best place she could be and she could have a nice life there if she would just stop being so negative about everything. I am sure it won't work, but I appreciate his support. As far as my brother goes, he is not responding to anything. We have all been calling him, but doesn't answer and has his voicemail full so that we cannot leave a message. He has also been emailed from the consulting firm about her situation. I know I am doing the right thing, but after years of abuse and taking care of her/rescuing her from herself and my brother, it is hard to take a step back. But for now, that is what I have to do for my own mental health. I truly appreciate everyone's support. Thank you all so much. :)
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Such wonderful responses! Memorize those responses of what to say to people. Roleplay so that they roll right off your tongue.

I think a lot about guilt, too. I know I feel guilty because I don't like being around my mother. Daughters are supposed to be their elderly mothers' slaves -- I do think society expects that of us. So many people have looked strangely at me when I tell them I will NEVER take my mother into my home.

You have a great chance to put it all off on your non-helpful brother. Do it! He's Mom's golden boy POA, so let him fulfill Mom's wishes. Let HIM be her caregiver for all but the 26 hours a Medicaid-paid caregiver is there.

We are all rooting for you to get out of this abusive situation. You can do it! Keep us updated.
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The medical evaluation "She shouldn't be living alone" is not satisfied with 26 hours of in-home help. That would sure be a nice break for the person she was living with, but she is living alone. Which the evaluation said she shouldn't do. What part of "she really shouldn't be living alone" does your brother not understand?

The posts so far have been unanimous. Wash your hands of caring for an abusive mother. I love Rainmom's suggestion of the sentence you should memorize. "My brother is taking care of that now. Let me give you his phone number." You might want this one, too, in case a followup answer is needed: "I can't discuss that with you. My brother has power of attorney and you'll need to talk to him."

So that takes care of the agencies and vendors and creditors, etc. What about Mom? Whew! That one will be much harder just because of the guilt. Remember that Mom is great at pushing your buttons because she installed them in the first place. Discontinue all the chores you do for her. Drop the weekend lunches to once a month. If they are not pleasant, drop them altogether.

Also practice this sentence from BarbBrooklyn : "I'm sorry you're feeling poorly. Please call me when you're feeling better." And add this to your repertoire: "Mother, you know Brother is taking care of that now."

It is easy to say "don't feel guilty," but almost impossible to carry out. Remind yourself that you did NOTHING to deserve this guilt. You are not entitled to it! Give it up. There are plenty of people out there who really should feel guilty (many of them in elected positions, but that is a different topic) so free your guilt up. It belongs elsewhere.

And if you cannot get rid of the guilt, at least push it way to the back of your mind. Don't make any decisions based on that guilt. Just push it back.

Is your Mother at home now, or is this still in the planning stage?
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At one point my brother had the brilliant idea that he should help me out by taking over my DPOA responsibilities. This was after his many threats of taking it away from me didn't make me buckle- nor did my mother want him to have it as he has always been an "I'm always right, everyone else is wrong - and stupid" kind of guy.

When I told my brother he could take over - I also told him that taking over meant going to doctor appointments, shopping for Depends, dealing with the caregiver agency, managing all medication and being on call 24/7 - beyond visiting 2-3 times a week - he backed down so quickly he probably got whiplash.

How is it these pompous asses think we will continue to do all the grunt work while they Lord over the kingdom?

Practice saying this "My brother is taking care of that now. Let me give you his phone number".
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Wishing you strength in standing your ground. Obviously you know what she can & can't do & your brother just wants you to continue handling everything. As long as you do then mom & brother can continue on happily while you suffer. No way,no guilt, no regret. If he wants mom to go home than he can deal with the reality. Who knows maybe he'll step up.
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You are completely right. No one should put up with abuse from the very person they are helping.

Tell social services that they must call you brother. He is POA, the ball is in his court.

Do not answer the phone. Do not return calls.

I know the quilt you are feeling. I walked out on a disabled guy...he was without help, family, or friends...but..I warned him I would not endure his abuse. He threw a cup of hot coffee at me in Starbucks because I didn't get it with cream. The next time he was berating me in the car rental....I turned on my heel and walk out. Never looked back. Never called. Never took any calls. I am sure the Avis called adult social service to get him the care he had to have.
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You go Staar! Stick to your guns, and let the big wonderful brother take over..And if mom calls to rant and rave, you can always do what I did a few times to my daughter.. just lay the phone down and go about your busness.They run out of steam when they realize they aren;t getting any attention..LOL
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I agree with you. You need to get out from under the total care of your mother. If your brother is willing to help at all, he should do so quickly. Otherwise, you should not accept anymore responsibility for the care of your Mom or her support (monetarily)!
If she has been in a home, is it possible for her to stay there? It would make more sense and she would have total care.
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Just what Jessie said.

Your brother is POA (has the responsibility to get her cared for) and none of the care-giving duties. If she wants the responsibility (and mom thinks he's such a jewel) then he needs to step up.

And if mom yells, you say "I'm sorry you're feeling poorly. Please call me when you're feeling better."
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In your shoes I would stick to my plans. This is your brother's circus. He thinks the girls (you and his mother) will take care of everything. They will try to guilt you and talk bad to anyone who will listen. After your mother comes home, Brother may discover it was indeed a bad idea. If your mother calls you, tell her sweetly that Brother is handling everything, so she'll have to talk to him. Of course, Mom will yell at you, but no law says you can't get off the phone. I hope your brother discovers soon that you and the doctors were right and that you are not just a tool to make your mother and him happy. It is his idea and his responsibility. I suspect that your mother said she wanted to come home, so he decided he would make it happen by dumping it all on you.
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