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I read so much of the things that do not happen that should have, or the plans we need to arrange. However, I am not sure I have heard of any situation where someone was elderly and passed away while living at home on their own and everything went according to plan.
Does that ever happen? Can it?
My parents were friends with a couple in their early 80's. They lived independently in a condominium. The wife died suddenly of a heart attack while watering flowers. The husband remained living on his own for two years, and died from pneumonia while in the hospital for a scheduled knee surgery. Neither one needed home care nor long term placement in a facility. It did not appear their children were making medical decisions for them or paying their bills. The husband was a good cook and appeared able to make his own meals and do grocery shopping. I know they had plans in place because at the funeral one of the daughters mentioned that they even had written their own obituaries. I assume when dad died, daughter stepped in and followed the plan.
Maybe it is a combination of planning and a bit of luck, but do things ever go routinely or without neglect and disaster?

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MAiD (medical aid in dying (or something like it is one of the best things out there but unfortunately is not available everywhere. My dad was miserable for years but fortunately my mother was independent until almost the very end. She was in the process at 93 of moving into a retirement home from a large apartment when she went into he hospital because of COPD. Went home for about a week and then back to hospice for 3 days. She died peacefully with most of her family around her. One of the family dogs next to her and the other in bed with her. Not perfect but close to it. I have an uncle that I am POA for and he has been in and out of the hospital for almost 10 years with heart attacks. Lived on his own with home care (which I had to organize and arrange) for about 5 years. I promised him that he would be able to stay at home as long as possible. After just too many falls he finally went to a nursing home. He now can't get out of bed by himself, eyesight isn't good enough to read, has to wear depends, etc. I will not allow myself to get to this point.
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My husband toldme he does jot want to go to a facility. I told him I cannot promise him that. I will keep him home as long as I can but he needs to remember I am 5 ft to his 5ft 10 and 205lbs. And he can't be stubborn. "Stubborn is the quickest way to a nursing home" Burnt has quoted.

If the elderly would make their lives easier for their kids, it would make caring for them so much easier. Get rid of that house you can no longer maintain. Don't expect your son to come and mow the grass and keep house up. Or your daughter to come and clean your house and do everything for you. They, too, have lives.

But then you have those toxic parents. Those u really have to walk away from because you will never satisfy them.
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From a Science Direct article 2020:

"Core elements for a “good death” included control of pain and symptoms, clear decision-making, feeling of closure, being seen and perceived as a person, preparation for death, and being still able to give something to others; whereas other factors such as culture, financial issues, religion, disease, age, and life circumstances were found to shape the concept across groups".
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My dad died on March 13. He would have been 92 this year. He and my mom planned everything. Funerals paid for, estate planning docs in order and Living Will in place. After a 6 month decline, he had a major stroke and required ventilator in ER. MRI showed significant brain damage. He would have required a trach and feeding tube for the rest of his life. We knew he would not have wanted to live like that and he specifically provided for that in his Living Will. We directed the medical team to remove ventilator and stop all medications. He was transferred to hospice, which was more administrative than anything else because he stayed in same room in hospital. They put him on a morphine drip to keep him comfortable and pain-free. He was basically sedated the entire time, but nursing staff told us that they believed even in this state the patient can hear and sense what's going on around them. We stayed with him the entire time, held his hand, spoke to him and watched his heart rate and BP decline over about a 90 minute period until eventually there was no pulse. It was sad, for sure, but in my mind it was a "good" end of life situation.
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I am envious of anyone who has parents who actually planned what they were going to do in their old age. They are the lucky ones because it makes life easier for the kids.

I am envious of children whose parents decided to sell their big house that was not maintained properly. I really hated the crisis phone calls. A hot water heater that broke on my sister’s birthday, the basement flooding because the sump pump could not handle the water, the toilet bowl hardware breaking on Thanksgiving day, the air conditioner wiring breaking during the Canadian wildfires with smoke that my mother could not handle.

I am also envious of children whose parents did not descend into an endless decrepitude and linger for years. Those whose parents had a brief illness of less than a year and that’s it. You can handle anything for a year.

These past 5 years and counting have been the most stressful period of my life because of my parents’ lack of planning. The stress and worry aged me and I will never be the same.
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Dying suddenly with no harm to other people and at a ripe old age. My mother died in Hospice at in her late 80s under Morphine as her body shut down. She never woke up. Same as my wife's step father. Hospice can give mercy. Seems like going peacefully in your sleep is the most peaceful way to go.
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My dad never wanted to end up in a NH, his worst nightmare, hated trips to the Senior Center with my mom for lunch because there were too many old people there, didn’t want to talk about moving into a smaller, safer place, let alone an IL. He got his wish, age 90, still independent though health issues were starting to catch up with him. Dropped dead behind the wheel, luckily at a stop sign. It’s been hell the last 6 years for my mom, and now she is 90. My FIL and brother both had painful, traumatic deaths, even with hospice support for various reasons, mainly getting hospice too late and fighting like hell against reality. But my MIL didn’t resist hospice when she had cancer (inoperable and she was in her 80s). She accepted her fate and lived over a year after she started hospice. She just slowed down, slowly withered away, and eventually died in her sleep in her AL bed. She’s my role model!
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Definitely not what happened with my dad. He had a traumatic brain injury, lived another 17 years after that, and at times required four people at a time caring for him. It was a very long often difficult 17 years.
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I don’t know how good this was , but
my grandmother was living with my aunt with advanced Alzheimer’s …….

Aunt would remind her not to get up from the couch . Aunt went in the kitchen to make grandma lunch .

Grandma who thought it was 1960 and thought she had to get up and walk over to the TV to change the channel , fell , hit her head on the TV stand .

Per my aunt ……grandma went to the hospital via ambulance .
She had a subdural bleed . Grandma was miraculously lucid from the blow to the head . Doctor told her she would most likely not survive surgery , 93 yo . Grandma said “ let me go “. I was not there , they lived on the opposite coast . My aunt said grandma was totally withit and they had nice conversation until grandma went unconscious and died not long after . At least it was relatively quick and she was kept comfortable and had a nice conversation with her daughter .
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Alva: sensible, realistic and even poetic at the same time. Very sorry to hear about your recent 2nd bout with cancer.
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I remember when Nancy Reagan died, the reporter said," she died peacefully in her sleep, just like she wanted too".

I wanted to yell at him, who the blank blank blank , doesn't want to die in their sleep.

No, my goal is to die in horrible pain for days!!

I just thought that was one of the stupidest thing I ever heard on TV, at that time.
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Ginger, with all respect;

When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandpa.



Not like the screaming passengers in his car. :-)




I think that how ever we go out is the exact way we are/were suppose to go. My grandmother was gone 12 years before her body died and my grandpa was fully cognizant, losing 1 body part at a time, right to the end, she lost her mind and he lost his body...hard to say what would be an ideal way out.

Me, I want to be living right up until I'm gone, that would be the ideal way for me.
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HI,
This is a deep consideration and pondering it brings tears to my eyes. All I can think to say is we have all woven a web of cause and effect, or also called sowing and reeping with our lives. We have hurt others and failed but dont want to admit it and that offends God more than we can grasp. The scenario you describe heart attack while gardening or in our own beds tucked in situations without added drama is all I think we can pray and hope for. God's will.
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I know several who died alone at home and hadn't even been fatally ill or seriously sick to anyone's knowledge. My grandmother, age 65: came home from a day of fun and her fave sport with friends, felt tired, went to bed early, never woke up. Friend, age 78: working at his computer when his wife left the house to get her hair done, and when she came back he was slumped over his computer, dead. Elderly friend, mid 80s, diabetic, living in her apartment at AL alone, fell on floor and dead when housekeeping entered. Friend w/dementia, age 83, died peacefully in her sleep 5 weeks ago; her husband found her. Family member, age 87, dementia for years, family gathered round at hospice, died peacefully after they went home for the night. Friend, age 76, felt tired and decided not to go for his usual swim so took a bath instead, wife found him an hour later floating face down, dead in his own bathtub. Peaceful happenings, loved ones not seriously inconvenienced by caregiving, and we don't know if any hastened their own demise, because if they did, the family is keeping it quiet.
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There is no such thing as "routine" when it comes to aging, decline and death.

I think the "ideal" scenario is to have all legal ducks in a row (and recently updated), having just had a wonderful time with family and friends, having no profound health or financial issues, then die in your sleep in your own home from your first and last aFib event.

I don't know 1 elder who has died in such a way. I had a 62-year old cousin, extremely fit, financially well-off and 2 years into retirement who died sitting up on his couch having a beer after mowing his lawn. Autopsy showed nothing, so did the toxicology report. My neighbor, a retired cardiac surgeon, said his money was on a first and last aFib event. Painless and fast. Sounds good to me. The flaw in this scenario is that he was too young.

Plan for the worst, hope for the best.
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IMHO, when you die, probation closes for your salvation. So dying after accepting Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior is the best end of life scenario that will pay dividends for eternity.
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I had an aunt that died in her sleep at 80, she was funny, and sweet, healthy to the end. Pretty much a perfect death.
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Just check your local obits for people who died "unexpectedly", "at home" or "after a brief illness", bonus points if their place of residence isn't listed as a retirement or nursing home.

My friend's 90 yr old father passed away recently: over the last several years he had lived with family during the winter but was mostly on his own during the summers, his family took him to hospital when he was feeling a little "off" and he died there a few days later - I'd say that's about as good as any of us can hope for.
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Thank you, Alva. I always find truth in your comments.

Blessings to you as you navigate the second cancer diagnosis.

I think you are correct that in spite of our planning, a monkey wrench can get thrown into the works and we can end up in something we never thought of anyway. We are all on a path that takes us to the same destination - just differences in where we are at on that road.
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Man plans; god laughs. Isn't that the old adage?
One can try to put plans in place. Life often interferes in the "best laid plans of mice and men."

My father died in his easy chair without time to say "Hey; I got this pain". He was quite happily watching Monica Lewinsky on Larry King Live and boom.
Easy death, thought certain a shock for us all. They had everything in place for either of their deaths, so things went well.

My brother hoped to beat his early Lewy's Dementia diagnosis to the loss of his mind, went into ALF. Got sepsis from a teeny sore on his leg, and we took him to his room on hospice where he made that dream come true by dying in quite record time. Not a plan, but would have made him very happy to know he got his wish.

My Mom had everything in place, had a fall, then for about 1 month it was one things after another for the fragile woman in her 90s, and we got hospice where she made a quick and gentle final exit.

I have now a diagnosis of my second cancer, with plans in place, with a spread to go to palliative and MAiD (medical aid in dying) with Kaiser's assistance.

I would say that we try our best to make plans. Some work out. Some have a monkey wrench thrown into the works. But that is true of ALL OF LIFE from the moment of our birth. In fact from the moment of the joining of that sperm with that egg. Right?
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