Hi Friends,
I admit I was clueless. I always thought PTSD was for war vets, or car accident victims, rape etc. I never knew that childhood emotional neglect (along with other adverse childhood experiences) could result in C-PTSD. After recently realizing my own CPTSD due to childhood emotional neglect, I am now profoundly aware that my elderly mother most likely has the same thing! My father was a war vet, the silent type, but a wonderful, kind person who was unable to be there for me emotionally for reasons beyond his control. Same with my mom. They both had such a physically hard lives and the responsibility and hardships they were stuck with just floors me. When I grew up, they were there, but not there. We never discussed emotions. It was just a void. They were never able to express emotions. My father become more openly loving towards the last 20yrs of his life, saying I love you and hugging me:) He passed 10yrs ago. My mom is 81 and to this day, heaven forbid you cry in front of her. She just cannot take it. Shuts it down quick. Looks away. I just never realized how their emotional absence affected my life, and I am certain their parents were emotionally absent from theirs. From what I've learned, her constant negativity is a result of CPTSD It drains me to be around her because of her negative outlook but I am going to try to find compassion for her and search for ways to bring happiness to her days. I will work hard to continue recovering from this and strive to find ways to support her. I just wanted to share this. Much love to all of you doing the hardest job. Hugs to all.
My parents were born in 1927 and 28. The went thru a depression and the War. Boys were taught back then to "suck it up". "Men did not cry" My Mom was 9 when she lost her Mom and was sent off to live with people she had only visited before then. She was the baby now thrown into the care of strict Christians. Probably never shown love like her Mom may have done. She was not a hugger. I was never told I was cute or pretty just that I looked nice in that color or outfit.
Parents only know what they are taught. My parents loved us and we knew it. No physical or emotional abuse. Just no hugs. Me, I tend to be that way too but I never needed them. Maybe one of my siblings did.
Nice that you see why Mom is the way she is. As long as she never physically abused you or verbally abused then or now, this can be forgiven. But if she is verbally abusing you having cptsd is no excuse and boundaries have to be set. You deserve respect as an adult and her caregiver.
Oh, if it were only that simple.
Some people don’t know how to make healthy choices, especially not in past generations. They didn’t have a positive frame of reference, therapy wasn’t an option for them.
Nowadays, things are spoken about openly and therapy is lovingly encouraged. Back in the day, there was a stigma associated with therapy and mental health issues.
I always wondered 'what is WRONG with me'.
EMDR therapy opened my mind and eyes to the horrific abuse I suffered at the hands of my older brother. It was a brutal therapy--but I am glad I did it and came out the other end a much healthier person.
Turns out he molested so many kids--I have reached out to a few of them, and encouraged them to seek help.
I was lucky enough to have 2 wonderful grnadmothers and a daddy who loved me unconditionally. They saved me.
Now I have grandkids who fill that 'void'. They love me simply b/c I exist.
I do not take that for granted!!
That doesn’t mean one becomes abusive. You didn’t become abusive, distant, non-empathetic, non-caring when someone cries in front of you. You chose to become a kind person.
Your parents could have chosen that, too. Becoming abusive is not inevitable AT ALL.
Also, some people had the kindest parents, and yet the child became abusive. Some people had extremely abusive parents, and yet the child became extremely sweet and vowed not to follow in the parents’ footsteps.
It has nothing to do with the parents. An individual CHOOSES whether to become a kind, considerate adult or not.
I am so glad that you shared this insightful posting on the forum. Your description of PTSD is beautifully written. So many people don’t understand how it comes to be and how it affects us.
I wish you peace as you continue on with this difficult journey of caregiving.
Please update us on your progress and any setbacks as well. We support you during this challenging time.
Please put lots of effort and effort and effort to loving you and making you happy. She should be happy seeing YOU SHINE AND THRIVE.