I'm staying with a friend who is a lively 91 yrs old elderly woman and she expects me to be at her beck and call...she always speaks negatively, "she can't, she can't, she can't"....then she'll light up a cigarette and smoke in my area, in which I've asked her plenty of times to not smoke, or smoke in my area because I'm allergic to the smoking and the scent stays much longer. I've mentioned that she has to pay for me tending to her care and she literally wants to pay me less than $1. an hour and I'm here with her 24/7....I'm trying to keep my self-esteem up...many people thinks she's lovely, but she's manipulative and acts entitled. Since I've been helping her, my energy is drained, although I get time off, she'll start saying things like, I'm disappointed that you're going to not be here...and I'm slowly not caring if she has adequate help, after all, she's not family, and she's even tossed me to the curb more than once...and would call me at my family's house crying for me to come back...(since I've been helping her, I've been let go by 2 jobs)... she likes to think she controls my time or what I do. I have no job, no money and have to rely on the measly bit she tosses my way. I'm really feeling negative towards her and when I do go away to visit my family, my mother and her companion are both elderly 92 and 87yrs old. ....and it's just as bad, because the two of them will sit around like zombies and will only react when food is set before them. They get themselves out of bed, but they'll wait for you to do everything, but they'll be the first ones up to go to the local casino, then come home and act as if my sister and I are supposed to have dinner prepared and set out for them...what gives?...I'm so burnt out...I pray I do not live as long as they are...I doubt that I will, I've been nothing but sick and tired and wishing I could appreciate them being around and their strength of will....my concern is that I know I won't have anyone to care for me if I do get to their age, or now, I can barely take care of myself...I'm trying to change my situation and remain calm....it's so very stressful, taking short breaks isn't enough...starring at the wall isn't enough...the minute I try to get a break, one of them needs something...it doesn't matter if I'm at my friends place or my parents...I'm so sick of cleaning up after them, the poo poo diapers, the crap left around...it's a friggin nightmare..., daily, hourly, every minute. It's as if they don't want to see me get a bit to myself. I can feel the stresses of these situations taking its toll on me and if I don't die before the three of them...I'd be surprised...I must say, yes, my sister helps with my mother and her companion, but she is so argumentive with me that it's frustrating....I sometimes want to just be done with it all... I know I'm neglecting myself...I know at this moment, I can't wait until they travel onwards...and I know that sounds bad, I love them and will miss them in the long term, but at this time in my life, I don't have a minute to appreciate their existence or their wisdom...My friend has a home care aid that is lazy and useless to the hilt...she comes into the apt and if my friend is asleep, she'll leave her sleeping and will talk on her phone until she's basically ready to go home after her four hours of service. It's such a mess...I feel angry and exhausted and too tired to do anything about it. On top of it...I don't even nor can afford health insurance. Neither my parents nor my friend knows of the daily physical pain and sleepless nights I've been having just to make sure they are comfortable and nourished in their elder years...they will never know, because they don't ask and are only thinking about themselves. Yes, people will never understand or know any caregivers situation unless they walk in their shoes...I can't even remember when I brought myself a nice pair of shoes. Not that I can afford to.
Angry and too burnout to make a difference.