Work for caring for 82 yr. Old dad. I drive 20 min each way & usually work 2 days on 1 off, etc. If I miss and take 2 days off, I pay for it with the pleasure of various items on floor, garbage, full urinal, and latest was him using the garbage cans to pee in! To make a pancake on his own was a catatrophic event, and this is a studio apartment!
I never liked cleaning as it is because mom (mommy dearest) was obsessed, unfortunately it's rubbed off on me and I can't be completely happy till things are completely clean. I actually get depressed, agitated, & mind in dissaray when it's a never ending battle I know I must except, but feel it's pure laziness on dad's part, pick up stick he pretends he doesn't know how to use! Did I mention my boyfriend is a Trainwreck slob, I barely visit him because of trash on floor.
Learning to except the way dad (and boyfriend) are is hard. I suggest and try and compromise, but no results. Makes me want to cry, wasted effort and work.

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"All caregivers, housecleaners, cooks, and dishwashers are possessed by demons!"

CWillie, maybe you are right! I saw that video, and the next one.

I don't have any good advice but your problem reminded me of this video, I hope I can at least give you a chuckle:

My response is based upon where the pee goes:
When my son was peeing (on the coffee table in the middle of the night), it was because of the confusion wrought by drugs and alcohol.

When he left home, (here's a suitcase for your 18th birthday) there were torn up pieces of porn magazines in the bottom of his closet, an indication your teen is selling drugs, wrapping them in the papers.

He left town abruptly and his landlord called me. When I cleaned out his apartment, there was cat/kitten poop and kibble on the kitchen floor and under the refrigerator; there was party drug leftovers behind the T.V.; there was oil all over the waterbed.

Why am I telling you this? Because it is a lifestyle. The messiness, irresponsibility, living like a pig.

In the elderly, it could be a side effect of a medication, such as the many sleeping pills that cause an amnesia (peeing in strange places).

Hope this information is helpful. It is not a judgment or criticism of you, your Dad, or your boyfriend. It is just information (for anyone on here).

In Wal-E, the animated film, there's a little housekeeping android whose job is to erase any traces of dirt that new arrivals to the space city bring in. When Wal-E himself arrives, after years alone on the decaying planet Earth, Wal-E of course leaves an endless trail of grime behind him wherever he goes, and the poor little 'droid gets crosser and crosser trying to track down where all this gunge is coming from...

I knew just how the 'droid felt. Thankless task if ever there was one.

Your work is not wasted. Once you have cleaned, your Dad has a clean studio apartment. It's the *keeping* it like that, and his lack of interest in doing so, that are the source of your frustration.

The only thing that worked on my son was the icy disapproval of his two (male) room-mates at college. Their shared apartment was to be kept pristine at all times and no quarter was given. Personally I felt it was unnatural for young male students to be so neurotic about their kitchen counters, but on the other hand anything that stopped Son ending the evening with a little orbit of plates, mugs, empty cans and discarded socks around his armchair couldn't be all bad..?

I don't think it's laziness. I think it's more "mess blindness." You walk in and see a tip. He looks around at what you're looking at and thinks "d'uhhh..? Whassamatter with it?" That, and helplessness when faced with a damp cloth and a bottle of cleansing creme.

Though peeing in the garbage cans? - why? Can he not get to the bathroom?

There isn't a compromise. All you can work on is your schedule, and come to terms not with the way your father is but with the fact that clean only stays clean for a limited time.

Not sure what to say about the boyfriend. Are you terribly keen on him otherwise?

My husband plows snow as part of his job, talk about a wasted effort! Spending all that time and effort to remove something (snow) that is going to melt on it's OWN in short order!

Cleaning is the same kind of thing, isn't it? You clean, they dirty, you're back to square one. My husband is a slob and I am neat. I work 8-8 on Sundays and he loves to cook on Sundays. You know where I'm going with this, right? I come home and find my kitchen a mess even after he's claimed to have 'cleaned' it. I truly dislike knowing I'll have to clean my kitchen after working a 12 hour shift on Sundays.

But it is what it is. I agreed to marry him knowing his faults. Knowing he leaves his socks on the floor and uses every pot and utensil in the kitchen when cooking a meal. He does things for me that make up for him being a slob that makes it all work out in the end. You don't have that. There is no compromise with your dad where he's giving you something in return for all the cleaning you do for him. So it feels like an endless battle, which it is in many ways.

I think the thing to do is to work on the OCD tendency you have (which I have also). If you were able to let go of the need to see perfection with the end result of your cleaning, things would be a lot easier. It may not be a matter of 'acceptance' as much as therapeutic intervention to help with your anxiety. My daughter was prescribed a mild medication *which I can't recall right now* to help her with her OCD behaviors and she had a REMARKABLE turn around. It may be worth looking into with your PCP. It's not fair to you to feel depressed, agitated and have your mind in disarray if things aren't completely clean.

Wishing you all the best of luck moving forward.

I’m so sorry that you are burning out. I did too. Does he live in your home or you in his? Is your mom living?

Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area? They can assess your dad. There is usually a wait list. They will bathe your dad, prepare a light meal, tidy up his room, be a companion and sitter, etc.

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