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I sold virtually every thing I had to be close to my parents in NC. I put my old dog down and adopted out my cats. I had borrowed money from my Father with the understanding that it would come out of any inheritance proceeds. I am in agreement with that. My sister is really angry about a decision my Father made of his own will when he was healthy.


I now live with my 94 year old Uncle, my father's brother. My parents are about an hour away. My sister who is POA is very well off and lives in Idaho. She comes twice a year for three days to check on things on her way to Antigua to sail for six months. Then on her return trip in May. I am second on the healthcare POA and she has tried to circumvent that. I had to get the documents to have them put me as second contact ( I am local ). My Uncle has told me that he will leave everything to me and my Sister is furious. She ordered him around when my Dad had his stroke with no thanks what so ever. She is a control freak who has to be in complete control. She could be a Narc. She never apologizes after she screams at me on the phone.


My brother lives in NYC and has not been here since my parents went into assisted living 3 years ago he always has an excuse and at times has inadvertently sent emails to me that were not intended for me, the were for my sister. When I called him on it he plays dumb. I don't let him off the hook.


My Father is now in hospice due to getting out of the facility unnoticed with out his walker and falling on his face, ending up with a brain bleed. This same facility had a death a year earlier due to a wanderer who got lost and died.


My sister discontinued mom's cognitive meds and she is angry, insists upon talking about politics, and hovers over my Dad creating problems with staff. There are several that don't like her and it is obvious to me. When my sister is there they really blow smoke up her # ss.


I currently am having trouble being patient with my Mom, and I notice my Dad clams up when she is around. I usually take her to another room for the visit and let my Uncle spend time together, alone. My mom's span of attention is less than one minute. I have asked for help from my siblings. My brother did not respond and my sister lectured me on how to deal with dementia patients. I told her I need help not instructions, and I was tired of being dismissed. She says " Mom is mom, you can't change it". Last weekend was particularly bad, my Mom thought that my dad had told her he thought she was going to kill him. I had to peel her off the ceiling, I texted my sister, got the same song and dance. I told her she is in charge and she can take care of this for now. I am sick of being dismissed.


Later I looked at her responses and she instructed me how to tell her what I needed, like I work for her. She will be here in a week or so and she can see what she wants to see. She is not good at being empathetic, actually feelings are to be avoided at all costs. I am empathetic and probably a lot happier despite multiple meds for depression. I hate this place, but I love my parents and my Uncle has no family. He's a good guy and we get along well. I just can't do this alone anymore and my siblings either won't or don't care enough to step up..

Find Care & Housing
Even though you have no authority and no voice in what happens to these people, you are immersed in their lives and care plans up to your backside. You dove head first into this situation, giving up your life, your home and even your beloved pets. You must certainly have suspected this would be the outcome of being a pseudo-caregiver. Surely your sister and other sibs didn’t suddenly change their behavior.

Extricate yourself from this situation and let the chips fall where they may. You can still be a loving niece and daughter, but you don’t have to be smack in the middle of the situation 24/7. Let your sister the POA handle everything. If you gave up your job skills for this, re-enter the job market, refresh your skills or learn new ones. Plan for the future.
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