I guess I am just blowing off steam about my older brother. Mom is 85 with Alzheimers and has lived with me the past three years. The first year here I asked him for help so he said she could come stay with them for two weeks and we took advantage and took a mini vacation to get a phone call from him with the first week that we needed to make arrangements to come get her. I asked why he wasn't keeping her the whole two weeks and he had excuse after excuse the main one being he never agreed to two weeks. Before that time he was never good at visiting mom unless he needed something and he has got worse since then. He doesn't call her on any kind of basis maybe once a month if I give him any credit cause it it more like once every THREE months she hears from him. Then when I have to go take one of my adult daughters out of the country for medical treatment ( cant afford it here unfortunately) I put mom in respite and she calls him saying she is in the hospital so he comes running to see what is happening but then goes again with no phone call or nothing to me. He will be very sorry to find our inheritance money has been used up on mom cause I have used all my money on adding her a room to our house ( and quit my job to be full time caregiver to her) . I feel his second wife is just waiting for inheritance money ( second wife met him thru the internet WHILE he was still married to wife #1). Just bugs me but I don't wanna waste my energy on him. How do others deal with this situation?

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Deej, I admire your commitment and care for your Mom. Shows that you have wonderful love and a big heart when it comes to making sure your mom gets the help and care she deserves. That's a testament to your integrity and character. Hope you know that. I can relate painfully well to your situation, and while I don't want to lose my relationship with my brother and his wife, I cannot understand why they have strayed so far in their thinking, their (lack of) involvement and lack of active demonstrated support. On top of this, my mother had been giving them money for years to try to buy them into her life, leaving me to pay all the bills now that she had run out of money. And of course there's the daily care - if I hadn't set up all supports, and continue to orchestrate every aspect of her care, she would've died. Funny thing is, he confronted me last year saying he feels he has to do everything. He lives about 10 minutes away from her and was visiting or called maybe once every 2-3 months. In the summer he cuts the grass using her lawn tractor and she pays him to do that. Every few months or so, they bring over something they made so she can enjoy a meal, but then don't understand why she doesn't eat it (she doesn't remember how to heat food up and often forgets to eat. Duh - and then he states - oh, why bother? Clueless. I think what goes around comes around. You're a good person. Don't lose hope. You're not alone dealing with siblings that are clueless. Hang in there.

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