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My mom dementia.it was slow to start but has picked up speed.I live with boyfriend in the house I grew up.A year and half ago mom got real sick and that is why we moved in.I have two brothers.At the time we agreed to pay expenses(we could at the time).With the economy the way it is and my boyfriend needs to stay and take care of mom(while I work) we can no longer come up with that amount. Mom is fulltime work,we have not much of a life right now.The house is paid.Mom had no problem paying expenses before we got here and she has social security.My brother has no idea how hard all this is.He threatened to kick us out(I guess he thinks fulltime help is cheaper).I am drained that I have to deal with on top of the wonderful care we take of mom.Who the hell do these people think they are.Taking mom to Dr.s,bathing,cleaning up after.My mom asked one thing of us kids,to stay after she dies.There is no way i will continue a relationship with him.There is more that he has done while he sits in his castle and dictates what should be done.20 years ago my dad also had dementia,where was he then also.All over money.i worked 10 yesterday and then come home take care of mom and then put up with his crap.Again I am tired.

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I completely agree with the others and I take care of my husband who does not want the nursing home option. There isn't one in this town that I live in which surprises me. Imagine if this town had this option then it be easy for me to oversee everything but with the new healthcare reform such a thing is long way from happening. You are doing the work not him...he is looking for green to soothe his money hungry beast rather than chip in or look for a job. If you live in a state to where u and ur boyfriend can do what u are doing and being paid for it great news. I am finally being paid and yet no one in his family cares to see how he is doing etc...just empty headed opinions etc...worse as much as my husband loves his sister...I can't take her in ...just too much besides raising 2 children so fight the good fight....you are there for her and even tho its hell sometimes u are still there....this country has lost it compassion and respect for the elderly and then ppl think they are entitled to something since they didnt help. It goes by her Last Will not his so keep it up and ignore the rancid bs until he starts subpoenaing ya for custody of his own mother then you have a real battle but my prayers go with you.
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Good luck, nursing homes in our area cost us around 120000 a year. Plus, she was neglected and had a stage 3 decubitus when she moved in with me. If you want to do this maybe you should hire a mediator and try for poa. Also caretenders offers excellent senior advocacy, they may be able to assist you.
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Isn't it strange sometimes people you have not even met are kinder than your family.My mom passed last April.Thank goodness we were here when she fell.Although she did go through nursing home hell,i believe she knew she was loved.Happy New Year to all.Take a deep breath..................
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Dear Brother,

I am so glad that you are taking an interest in Mother's welfare. You are right, it is not fair to drain her resources needlessly, or there won't be much left (if any) for any of us to inherit. I don't want that to happen any more than you do.

When we move out and get a life of our own, Boyfriend will be able to hold a fulltime job again and we will be able to get on our feet, so we are interested in your alternative plans for Mother's care. (With his experience, Boyfriend can make pretty decent money as a caregiver.)

For your convenience, I've enclosed a few results of some inquiries we've made for in-home care. As you know, Mother now needs 24/7 supervision. I don't think she need skilled nursing help at this point, which is good because that is more expensive. I've listed the rates of caregivers in this area, from reputable firms. You will need to figure on 24 hour a day coverage.

Another option, of course, is to relocate Mother to a Memory Care facility. There is only one in this area, where her friends could visit her often. It has a very good reputation. I've enclosed their brochure and price list. I believe there is currently a waiting list. Mother, not surprisingly, is oppsed to this option, but we have to do what is best for her, don't we?

I don't think that Mother's income and assets will cover these expenses very long, so she will then need to apply for Medicaid.

I am so glad you are taking an interest. Boyfriend and I are nearly overwhelmed with the responsibility. I think we should get together soon with Brother2, and discuss what will be best for Mother.

Your loving sister,
Denty
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Wow, Sad but true how we see what our family is capable of, over ignorance and misplaced greed, Does your Mom have a will or power of attorney? Is that her medical POA as well? Find out THEN if you are, no problems he cant do anything anyway, if it's him and Mom has mental impairement what does your other brother think about all this, if he is w you in Mom living w her DAUGHTER where she has lived for yrs!.has memories of her life! and most familiar with(Good for her cognivity w dementia) and MOST importantly she Wants to be w you and your boyfriend (I am sure if he cares for her all day while you work they are close and she loves, trust and feels safe w him) then your brother and you need to sit the other sibling down and tell him you will fight for whats best for her and he is going to have to back down or see you in court, you as daughter, as well as caregiver etc. have the right to petition him for guardianship or POA for your Mothers best interest, you can contact counsel on aging, they are there to protect the elderly and help them live as they wish, they will help her fight for her rights, they will help you be her voice in a court of law, Even if your other brother doesnt or isnt involved YOU can still do this for her, the courts as well will not let your brother move your Mom if it is not in her best interest and she is being well cared for! Unfortunatly some of us have a sibling who's life and sadly sometimes heart is not as invested and they have monetary gain or just plain meaness makes them want to come in and be a know it all, try to rule the roost (so to speak) Does he realize that when she goes into a NH that her house will have to be sold and any other assets be liquidated then she will be placed on Medicaid and there will be nothing left for him to gain? Medicaid goes back 5 yrs. so her assets cannot be quicky "gifted" sold to anybody for less than market value, or swindled away, (that would be a felony and the State will hold such person legally and financially responsible for such an offence) Maybe he needs to know this, he may then lose interest in pursuing your Mom being placed in a facility. Dentassist... As long as your Mom is happy, and You are happy.(.most likely exhausted at times and wondering if theres life out there)!! lol....Then fight for her...and whats best for her! Good Luck Sorry to ramble but I as well have a (much older) absentee(moved across country) know it all sibling, so had to comment because I know how it makes you feel. P.S I said NH but it doesnt matter because that would be what would happen since unless he could pay the full time help, (hope he doesnt mean somebody not licensed, bonded, insured, or God forbid unqualified, because you are right professional caregivers are expensive, and your Mom will have utilites, house taxes etc. to pay, sorry again for rambling but sometimes they just dont realize just how costly things like that are, send him a few brosures to read over from home health agencies as well as her monthly bills, you may never hear him utter another word about it! Hope this helps,
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Denty - hang in there. I know how hard this is. I do it too and raise two teenagers. I think I could have a stroke any day now....Does your mother want you to stay in the home? Does your mother mind that you and your boyfirend, who take of her, live in the home? If she is agreeable to all of this, have a sit down with the brother,Mom and your boyfirend and PUT THE CARDS ON THE TABLE. Perhaps you can solicit the help of a social worker to be there and support you. Every town/city should have these services available to you for free. I have two very selfish, nonexistent siblings who do nothing for me or my parents and i take care of them. They will come knockin' when they die though, that's for sure. One of them already calls them weekly and asks for money even though their his/her allimony is 3 TIMES the amount that Mom and Dad get for social security, money Mom and Dad live off of. Makes me want to puke!!!

Anothing question: What is your brother's alternative plan for your mother if you move out?

-SS
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