Deadbeat brother throws dad in nursing home and takes over his home and assets.

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My 60 yr old brother returned home 13 yrs ago after mom passed and has laid up on my dad ever since. He is lazy, never worked, or helped dad at all. He's never even mowed dads yard, my 85 yr old dad does it or my husband. He lays in the bed 20 hrs a day with the air conditioner on and is a massive hypochondriac. My dad found out he had Cancer last year and I helped him with all his appointments & trips for treatment while my brother laid up in the house. He didn't cook, wash clothes, or even just sit in the living room and be company for my dad. He never paid a penny for rent, utilities, food or anything. He constantly bummed money for himself or his grown kids all the time. My dad has been worried & stressed out for years about it. Dad would complain to me about it but never let me confront him. A month ago daddy suffered a hemorrhagic stroke and was in the hospital. It affected his memory & some of his speech but most of the time I know what he is trying to say. He still knew how to feed himself and knows when he has to go to the bathroom. As soon as he was discharged from the hospital he transferred him straight to a nursing home and took possession of EVERYTHING he has. He has his own truck but has taken over my dads new truck & totally trashed it. He is a fat slob and he threw all his crap in my dads bedroom & shut the door. He took my house key that my dad had for me. He spent all the money my dad had in his wallet and has been using his debit & credit cards. He does NOT have POA but has convinced my other out of town sibling that does, that he needs to stay in nursing home indefinitely now. There is no reason whatsoever for this because he could be at home and I am willing to move in and take care of him myself. I have 35 yrs experience in healthcare. My brother is a leech and has always used people. He doesn't want dad at home because this way he doesn't have to take care of him plus he gets everything since dad is still living the will doesn't go into affect. I don't care about any of that. I am so upset it's made me physically sick. As soon as he found out dads mind was affected he suddenly was cured and hasn't said anything about being sick. My other brother don't care because he doesn't live here and doesn't want to be inconvenienced. I am horrified they could treat their own daddy this way, just throw him out of his own home and take everything he's worked for all his life. I need advice please!!

21 Comments

FatBaby, can you tell us more about your father. Curious why your Dad wasn't transferred to a rehab center to help him with his stroke? Seems odd that didn't happen. Now that Dad is in a nursing home, is Dad paying for this, or does he had Medicaid [different from Medicare]?

More information on Dad would be helpful.
Who signed the admission papers for the nursing home?
One cannot be "thrown in a nursing home". One must meet the medical criteria for admission. How is it being paid for?
Your father was discharged from hospital to a nursing home.

Well. Somebody - your father, your brother - agreed to that. Where were you?

It's puzzling, because there you were for a whole year, taking your father to all his medical appointments and treatments and so on, while your brother sat on his whatever and did nothing; and yet when it came to the stroke and the aftermath and the care plan and the discharge, you weren't involved in any of the discussions?

I can understand that you are hurt and angry and disgusted by your brother's attitude and behaviour, and perhaps also blame him somewhat for neglecting your father? And you're frustrated that your other brother isn't on your side. But what matters now is what's best for your father. If it's obvious that he would do better at home with care, it shouldn't be impossible to make that happen. I'm just not sure that this is the heart of the issue.
Daddy was in the hospital in another town from where we live. My older brother is a smooth talker & went to school with a woman that works at the nursing home. They transferred him after I went home one day and when I found out I went to the nursing home which was also in a different town from the hospital. He doesn't have poa but you don't have to when admitting someone. Nursing Homes here are nursing home/rehabs. Just a nursing homes that added therapists to the payroll. Converts rooms or dining room into a little rehab area. This is a money making operation. Anyway, my dad has Medicare & insurance that pays for 3 mths, after that you are a regular nursing home patient and self pay. Money isn't the issue, the issue is he has resources to receive any care he needs in the comfort of his own home and I am willing to leave my home and family to go take care of him myself. I only have one dad and he deserves my best efforts. I told him he would never go to a Nursing Home as long as I am alive. I am more than qualified to take care of him with 35yrs of experience plus I know him personally & his routines. I have nothing to gain by this but my brother does if he is in a nursing home. He lives in the house free with all utilities paid. Daddys truck and a checking account. Just the month since this happened to my daddy he has shown how he can easily take advantage of Daddy without a second thought. Thankyou for all of your comments.
You only have one husband and one family, too.

I understand how upset you feel, but I'm not sure you're approaching this situation very logically. It's ten to two in the morning here after a very long day so if you'll excuse me I'll come back to it tomorrow. But just to think on: what does your husband say about your plan?
Really, her brother is stealing from her Dad. No one has POA? You could freeze accounts and credit cards. Maybe a talk with a lawyer.
My husband is a good man and it was also his idea. His parents are no longer with us and he thinks whatever it takes to do right by Daddy is what we will do. My brother has been living there all the years so if he is in a nursing home, he will have the run of everything over there himself and everything that he was too lazy to work for to achieve himself.
My other brother lives up north and has his own Stepford life. He doesn't want to be inconvenienced and knows if I move in to take care of Daddy, the other brother will leave because he can't pull off his shady stuff with me there. He wouldn't have anywhere to go because he has always lived off other people like a parasite
Okay.

This is very early days in your father's recovery following his stroke; and presumably there is also still his cancer treatment to be considered.

So what you're dealing with is a very sick man who is currently being cared for in a Nursing Home.

How long has he been there, exactly? Two weeks or so? And has another two months, give or take, covered by Medicare?

So there is time in hand to work out what would be best for him. Have you had any discussions about this with his doctors? Or with anybody?

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

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