This is probably more of a vent than a question--but I have been seething since last last night over this: Mother (88) lives in an apt with brother and his family. He has become VERY suspicious of any family visiting mother and what she is saying to us. We had a family mtg at my request 3-4 months ago and it was disastrous. He became absolutely hysterical and literally screamed at me (primarily) about my constant nagging and trying to "fix" things. He doesn't want ANYONE doing ANYTHING for mother, yet he will not do things for her himself. She complains mightily at the lack of care. After that storm, I did stay away for a while. My 3 other sibs, though promising to visit, have remained firmly MIA. I did tell mother a little bit about the mtg, as we were discussing her care. Brother had played it out to be me trying to run the show. (Which is absolutely the LAST thing in the world I want to do). But brother has dug in his heels and mother's care has gone noticeably downhill. She needs a LOT more help and brother will not allow anyone into his home, so mother doesn't get the help she needs, from family or from a Home Health Agency. I have tried to step in again, NOT doing things brother won't let me do, but tippy-toeing around his wrath. It's ridiculous. Jut some specific tasks that mother asked me to do. Not one thing more. Last week she was sick. He hadn't checked on her in days. I was there to give her some soup I'd made, and she was too sick to eat it. I stayed and helped her a little, but she owns 2 feral cockatiels and their feathers and dander make me quite sick to be around. I got a small feather in my eye, it irritated my eye severely by the time it worked itself out-- and I actually went to the eye Dr. (My BIL) who said it looked awful and that I am obviously VERY allergic to these birds. $100 in dr bill and eyedrops---and the warning to not get around these birds. Now, cleaning their cage is beyond mother's scope. She just can't do it. So, it hasn't been washed in probably a year. It NEEDS a serious powerwash and the birds need baths too. Feathers, poop and bird dander combine with the dust to make the air in mother's house unbreathable. Along with the open bathroom garbage packed with soaking wet depends, her apartment is gag worthy. I'm not even allowed to throw out the trash. I kindly asked brother if he could powerwash the cage and see if the birds could be washed. He replied (angrily) that I am not to touch a thing at mother's and if I want to visit her, I have to meet with her in the common living room. Well--that's fine, but brother has 2 dogs, neither is housebroken and 5 cats--also tend to use the whole house as an open litterbox. There is frequently a large, smelly "offering" sitting in the LR--and nobody notices for a day or so. Gross. Brother said if it wasn't MEDICALLY necessary for mother, he wasn't doing anything else for her. Cleaning the cage isn't "medically necessary". I can't talk to this guy. He is walking anger. Any comment on mother's obvious decline is met with vociferous denial--that she is perfectly FINE. Last week, Mother asked if she could live with me. Says she can't take the loneliness and lack of care from brother. I told her no. She made this choice 21 years ago and it's one she has to live with. Also, I can't make my home be appropriate for her, nor do I have a wish to have any more involvement in her life that I do. Brother is her POA, but she's not incompetent, so using THAT as a power play is stupid. My other 3 sibs are MIA and do not do anything. Brother's go-to for everything is to blow up in furious anger. Usually shuts me right down. I can't handle it. So we're once again back to "you can see mother on MY terms." I think he is emotionally abusive to her. Well, no, I KNOW he is. She was a horrible mother to him and he's getting his payback. SO sad. Just wondering if a call to APS would start something I'd really regret or if I should just obey brother's orders. I do not need this in my life, but she IS my mother. It's pure guilt that keeps me going back. Obligation. Do we EVER overcome that?