Boundaries are about you - not them.

The consequences of enforcing boundaries are something to reckon with!
Harder to do with a spouse!

The accusations come flying:
SS did not assign Rep Payee to me. (Have document).
He could pay the bills. but I won't let him, he says. (He needs a rep payee, this topic came up because I try to include him in decision making especially at the first part of every month.
Many little digs coming at me. (Already raised a teenager, he needs to STOP).

He is the one with a visible sinus inflammation today, from making poor decision to ride bike in 45 degree weather and high winds. (Blames me for not getting to ride his bike). (I washed his bike clothes). It is a fight no one will win.

I bought moving boxes yesterday. Great time to organize!

GA - yes indeed, not only in families. I worked for a very narcissistic boss at a university once. It was a challenge. I learned to never disagree with him, but to get an idea to him so that he thought it was his idea -then praise him for it. It worked every time - he was happy and I got what I wanted. But I was glad when I left.

thx cm, dollyme, cw and send. Glad if it helps.

nancy - yes looks like you are getting it. You are right - when you set
boundaries it is common for things to get worse - they resist and push more. It is good to be prepared for that.

It can take a while to change focus from them to us.

The guilt is what is called false guilt. True guilt comes from doing something wrong. False guilt comes from not meeting the (often unrealistic) expectations of others or even of ourselves. We can take up a burden that is unreasonable and the berate ourselves for being able to carry it, Or others can lay reasonable burdens on us - like keeping a narcissist happy. Can't be done and not our job anyway.

Keep up the good work!!!

YES ! This is a key point. I’ve only recently begun to set boundaries, and had to learn this from experience. I thought that by saying that I can not take on any more of my 93 yr old mom’s care, she would lighten up on me. Get more help from paid providers, instead of me. Ha ha. Exact opposite. She pushed more, and it felt more and more passive aggressive. Ugh ! I had to be reminded by another that boundary setting is for me. I can not change her behavior at all. Often it will get worse when we first set a boundary. ( ie They push back !) Instead I can stop giving in and (resentfully) doing for her. She has been given multiple outside sources for help by me and others.
Honestly though, I still struggle with guilt, even though I know it’s not reasonable.
Thanks for this post Golden. Saving to reread, along with the article you suggested.

Copied that!
So very good advice, thanks Golden!

Too bad we can't pin your post to the top of the page.👏👏

Great Post! Thank you for taking the time to post this!

Excellent, helpful points - thank you :)

Golden, thank you for sharing such valuable insights.   I think the issue of who changes is critical.   Too many people feel that the other person has to change, also while not realizing how manipulation can be a critical factor in these kinds of relationships.

And this doesn't occur only in personal relationships.  I worked for a  few attorneys who were manipulative, shifting blame onto staff, and making life miserable for employees.    When I left those firms, I felt so much better; I didn't take a stand while I was there b/c of the possibility of being fired, but I got out of bad situations before they became worse.   

Kind of a side comment, and amusing now that I think about it...one of the attorneys who was I'm sure also suffering from ADHD made life miserable for staff and attorneys alike.  

Over a period of 5 or 6 years (I don't recall for sure), every attorney who worked for him lasted only 6 months before quitting.   One stuck it out b/c she was pregnant and wanted to get as much savings as she could.   The other stuck it out b/c it was compatible with his plans to move out of the city into a better quality law firm, so the longevity and knowledge was to his benefit.  He knew how to capitalize on a bad situation.

Unfortunately, self focused, demanding and narcissistic people aren't just in families.

thx barb and midkid.

mid - good points - you took abuse b/c "I felt so responsible all the time". yeah, that was planted in you as a kid. - it's all your fault. Abusers do that.

Boundaries are flexible - you can take dinner to your friend but you don't have to stay for the abuse "dessert".

I am very empathetic too - I can feel other's hurts, BUT that doesn't mean I have to try to fix them.

Boundaries with your kids - of course - with anyone if you need them.

Big life changes do make us examine what's important. That's a good thing,

I understand about the guilt. I have found the more you tell it to go back to the hole it came from the easier it is dismiss it next time. It's a lie and I don't like lies.

You, and all of us, are worth self protection. You are not a punching bag for someone to take out their hostilities on. Toxic people will blame you for their issues.

I once read "they will chew you up, spit you out, step in the mess and blame you for it." That was my experience. Not any more - I stop it at the chewing stage.

Golden--

You put that so perfectly!

People often think that by setting boundaries we are cutting people off from our lives and while that may be 'true' it took me YEARS of therapy to realize that I do NOT have to stand in the face of an angry person and just 'take' abuse b/c I felt so responsible all the time.

I see my mother when I can handle it, never otherwise. I will never see my MIL again. I have a 'friend' who used me to no end and I just kept taking it and wondering why I was so miserable. Finally came to the point I had to tell her I was 'breaking up' with her, she had caused me financial and emotional pain and I just couldn't, anymore. Having said that, I am taking dinner in to her tonight, as she is going through some horrific family problems. But, after today, back to keeping my emotional and physical distance.

I didn't do it angrily, but rather, quite lovingly. I think she was hurt, but realistically, she has burned out countless friends and neighbors.

I have a 'problem' in that I am too empathetic and want to make everything be OK for everybody--and I can't.

I even have boundaries with my kids. One of them is being a real jerk to me since last fall and I can't talk to him w/o being called on the carpet for something I do/did wrong. He lives 800 miles away, I am not a part of his or his wife's daily life. Angry emails and texts are simply deleted and not responded to.

I had cancer last year and it really opened my eyes to what is and what is NOT important.

Now to work on the 'feeling guilty' that sometimes creeps in.

It takes a LOT of courage and self-talk to remind me that I am NOT a bad person for self protecting.

Well said, Golden! ((((hugs)))))