Boundaries are about you - not them.

Thx NHWM, I'm a work in progress for sure. I think it's people who don't see themselves as works in progress that really need it, maybe even more.

The day I start resting on my laurels and think I'm done will be the day I really need to look inward.

Gershun,

I totally agree. It’s why I can’t relate to my brothers. They are ‘know it alls!’ At least they THINK they know it all. I don’t pretend to have all of the answers because I don’t. Actually, no one does.

The person who thinks they know everything stops growing. They don’t seek out information because they feel like they know everything already. It’s sad. To be honest, I feel sorry for them.

Hi folks. I am having computer issues. A kitty chewed through the power cord for my good laptop. A mouse cord would have been easier but they like the power cords - not any power cords - laptop power cords. However, a replacement is on the way. My old small hybrid is having battery problems and is not easy to type on so I am not typing much. The new cord should be here by the end of the week and I will respond then. Meanwhile, all of you, keep up the good work!!!

Need boundaries with the kitties, Golden? 😉

Ming loves chewing on the cover for my kindle. Drives me nuts. And then anything that has a tie, shoe laces, string on sweat pants, you name it. At least she leaves the cords alone.

She can have $60k in the bank and still be subject to MERP. Let’s not forget that she could have been in LTC with Medicaid footing the bill until the house was sold at which time she was disqualified for Medicaid.

Seems a little optimistic to think that a 96 year old with dementia and “hours to days left” is competent and able sign forms ;)

gershun - thx for bringing the thread up again. I am so glad that your sil's judgement didn't upset you. Certainly you don't need her approval. And so glad you are not second guessing yourself as you were. Others haven't walked in your shoes and they don't know your story. You don't owe her or anybody any explanations. Hope you are more at peace with yourself. So glad you are trusting yourself more. You don't owe anyone any explanations. We all are works in progress.

need - major trauma does change us. It can be for the better or for the worse. I don't doubt that detachment from your bros needs to be permanent. I understand forgiving and loving your mum from a distance. Hah I suppose my mother lived the longest of those looked after for by posters here. Not sure that it is a distinction I care for!

Hi ginger - you are welcome. We need boundaries in many situations and realization of that makes a huge difference. So glad your life is better and you have a plan and peace. We all need that. Other benefit from hearing about people like you who have made changes.

send - no fights, no strife if possible. Just set the limits. Don't wear yourself out. Trying for normal sounds like an impossible task. How are you doing with the new boundaries?

worried - I think that people who are judgemental of others are privately more judgemental of themselves. Not his job to figure you out. Think of the source and let it slide off your back. That said, it isn't nice to experience the judgement of others.

glad - yes for sure. They love nibbling on my laptop cord or string of any kind, especially when it moves. I know it is built in. Cats are very visual and that's how they catch their prey, but...I am thankful they haven't attacked the toilet paper, though that is cheaper than laptop cords. Online I can buy cord protector made for those who have bunnies running around. I think it is worth a try - or smearing with Vicks. 😏

Back in winter here but not severe cold. I have boundaries with the weather too!!! ❄🌨❄

Golden,

Maybe you don’t like the distinction of caring for the oldest person but I have always counted on you due to your vast experience. You have great suggestions and answers. I love your compassion and support for all of us.

I first posted on this forum regarding the issue of boundaries, asking if anyone had experience with going "grey rock". I worked with a therapist solely on developing boundaries for over a year and a half. My mother passed away last December just before Christmas, and establishing boundaries during the prior months made it possible for me to be the best daughter to her and work together with my brother (who is disabled with a high conflict personality disorder) to provide care for our mother. These are some boundaries I learned:

1) I learned how to say "no" when I didn't want to do something. Words let others know what you will and will not allow. No one should be expected to read your mind. You have the right to say "no" but it can be very scary the first time you do if you are a people pleaser and afraid of rejection.
2) I learned that accepting and expressing my Truth is essential to my self worth and self care. Having the attribute of integrity is living in your own truth, being true to who you are. I value peace and tranquility, so living in a state of fear and anxiety was not living in my truth.
3) I learned to use the boundaries of Geographical Distance (keeping physical distance) and Emotional Distance (a really BIG one for me to learn). Physically removing yourself from a person or situation is a way of enforcing boundaries. I would use this as soon as my brother began ranting at me - just silently walk away and drive off. Not everyone is safe for you to open up to emotionally. This is the case with my brother. I learned to guard my heart and never share anything personal with him.
4) I learned that Time is another boundary. I am not obligated to spend X amount of time with anyone. I did not have to answer every time he called or spend X amount of time on the phone. I told him I preferred to text and stuck to that boundary even though he didn't like it. I learned to listen to my gut and ask myself, "How much time do you want to spend caretaking, etc.?" I worked my schedule to make that happen, and sought help for things that I didn't want to do.
5) I learned to reach out to groups like this one for support.
6. I learned to apply Consequences consistently for people who crossed my boundaries.

I also learned to use these Strategies:
1) Grey Rock - don't get emotionally involved with the unsafe person; use brief responses; do not engage; make yourself "boring" and of no interest to them so you are not a resource to get their egoic needs met.
2) Emotionless Contact - avoid being emotionally supportive (I know, it goes against nature!) If they bring up emotionally charged subject, don't engage. Stick to safe things like the weather.
3) Minimal Contact - use text; limit time ("I have an appointment in five minutes")and let them get answers from someone else. They will likely blame you for advising them if something goes wrong anyway.
4) Watch out for tools of manipulation: Cut off anger (walk away), self pity (no response), charm (be cautious)
5) When others are not being direct in their communication, we tend to mirror their behavior - Don't! Be direct yourself when others are not.
6) Express only needs that your can express SAFELY. Don't open your heart for punishment.

We can't control what other people think or do. My therapist taught me that we don't use boundaries to change other people's behavior, only to protect ourselves. We also learn to respect other people and not cross their boundaries. Unfortunately, after our mother passed, my brother has done everything he can to make my life as trustee miserable, going against what my mother wanted, and going against the law. I have a great attorney and communicate only through her now. I could dwell on his behavior and make myself miserable, but I don't. I am free of his hold due to learning about boundaries. Hallelujah!

Thank you DofNPDmother for the great tips! I just finished reading a book on dealing with toxic people and your advice is right on. I also have a toxic brother who rants at me and is always trying to stir up conflict. I like the idea of making myself boring and not engage. I'll give it a try. Sorry your brother is being so difficult but kudos to you for standing strong on your boundaries.

Boy, how the world has changed since the last post

Talk about the need for all kinds of boundaries now!!!

Got knocked down with my thyroid being low, a serious extended family illness, and then of course this virus hitting the world and the adjustments I have made to keep myself safe,

belated thx need - that's very kind of you. One hopes that in learning to deal with all the garbage in one's life, that other's can benefit.

DofNPDmother - wow -amazing list of extremely useful things and amazing of you to be working them. it must have made a critical difference in your life. I am so impressed!!! I know you have done a lot of work.

kbuser - it is my sister who used to stir up trouble via my mother. Once mother was not able to engage in this any more, sis used her dd, and then became directly nasty to me, alternating with being very sweet. I have gone no contact and it's a great relief.

Be safe, Golden. Keeping everyone on AgingCare in my heart. Take care 💗.