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Yep I am back blowing off steam....again. First my honey has been behaving himself and not being an abusive jerk (well 99% of the time). When my honey was going back to take a nap after being up for two hours...I got told it was none of my business. I reminded him that the spending more time in bed than up is what got him into the hospital the first time and this last time. This is what prompted the statement that it is none of my business. He started trying to turn things back around on me first and I turned it right back onto him and told him "to can it", that I am not the one who has been in the hospital/rehab with edema or the one who has an IV/visiting nurse and rehab. Anyway he is sleeping and has a 1230 appointment for the visiting rehab to come in. And I know that after rehab comes in he will be right back to bed. Ugh! I have not been spending much time with my honey since he has been home after his episode in rehab when he threatened me. Things changed, I just don't want to be around him much though I still love him. I spend a lot of time in my study just as he did when I went blind with cataracts in 2012. I am not happy right now though I don't know if it is just me. I feel like all I am is nurse (no longer classify myself as caregiver), cook, laundress and housekeeper. And with my own health problems my energy and will power to keep going is waning. The only thing that keeps me going are my puppies and my art. But when he told me it was not my business, I felt like telling him that neither is fixing his meds every week, scheduling and making sure he gets to his doctors appointments, or taking care of his IV. I guess I just didn't have the strength at the time though now I wish I had. He does not realize that I have put my life on hold for over 13 years to take care of him. Sorry, I know I am being selfish but had to blow off some steam. I know I should tell him to find other living arrangements but not an option at this time. He has no where to go and I am not quite ready to give up on him. Guess it is the old fashioned values that I have that when you love someone you just don't give up on them. Know he is a expert at manipulation, but I have been able to block it. And in this case if staying in bed so much puts him back in the hospital so be it, but he will be riding an ambulance this time. He lies to the doctors about his activity (he was really active at first), his eating, smoking and where he is at mentally /attitude. Thanks everyone...just need to get some things out. Not sure where I go from this point forward, but am thankful for this forum and the wonderful people here.

Just checking in. Doing well though I have had doctor change my anxiety med as I have been having a problem with the lorazepam (lack of balance, more anxiety and depression which I have never had a problem with). Starting my new med today so hope it helps.

The nurses and both of my honey's facilities (one that monitors his coumadin level and the heart failure clinic) can't seem to get it together and somehow I am caught in the middle. Today I told them y'all figure it out and let me know. I can't deal with any more than I have on my plate already. This has been going on for the last week and a half. Ugh. They doubled my honey's potassium today until next Monday as they say it is not high enough (it is at 3.3 which is what it was at when he left the hospital last week and they want it at 4) so now he has to take 4 "horse pills" in the morning and four at night. Not sure any of them know what they are doing. Between dealing with this and my honey ready to tear my hair out. Ugh...but know I will get through it.
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Hi Snoopy … so far so good. Going to do a new thread...had a set back today. Not with my honey but me.

Take care and thank you all for being there for me.
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Good for you, Dusti! And I certainly hope you are feeling better and getting some rest after this latest crisis. You are giving us all some great lessons in how to set and follow through with sensible, caring boundaries.
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Well today was a breakthrough for me. This morning we received a call from the heart failure clinic that my honey's potassium had bottomed out and he needed to go to the ER to get a potassium IV asap. I was going through a severe bout of gastritis and severe stomach pains. My honey immediately started telling me I needed to hurry to get him to the hospital. I walked in, picked up the phone and called the non-emergency number and requested transport for him by the fire dept (ems). He in the meantime was sitting with his mouth wide open. I advised him I was not physically able to take him right then and therefore the transport. Think it shook him to his toes. I fed our fur babies and got my gastritis under control. Once I got to the hospital/ER and saw him he started in that he had told them to call a cab for him to get home once he was done. And started going on and on about how as his caregiver it was part of my "job" to take him to the hospital. I stopped him and told him flat that this was not correct as I am no longer his caregiver, only his significant other and I help him. I told him he kept telling me in his prior hospital stay and rehab that I was not his caregiver and refused to listen to me and that I didn't know anything and was no good for anything. I reiterated that I had quit as his caregiver as well since he would not listen to me and was derogatory. Now I am only his significant other and help him and will only step in as caregiver/POA if he is unable to speak for himself. He shut up as I believe he realized I meant it and I sensed a change in him. Not like before where he was trying to use manipulation but an actual change. It will be interesting to see how long it lasts.

I am done... period and meant every word I said to him. If he cannot speak for himself that is different, but he has a whole new world he is getting ready to see. That is setting his own appointments and doing a lot of things for himself. And you know what? It felt good. I feel like I have a weight lifted off my shoulders. I was calm and dead serious when I told him and I just feel like a whole new person. He tried to reel me back in by telling me he knows he is dying, but it did not work. I did not get him in the shape he is in though over the years his failure to take care of himself has cost me emotionally, physically and financially. I have my own health issues to deal with right now and that may sound selfish, but if it is so be it. I still love him so very much (you don't stay with someone for 30 years and through everything if you don't). But he can no longer manipulate me and I believe he knows it.
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Dusti, do you have specifics on your recovery from eye surgery? I dont know what your specific eye problem is, (possibly cataracts?) but my recuperation from detached retina surgery was grueling, and I had to stay off my feet for a few days, eye bandaged for a week and it was very painful. Rest was important and I couldn’t drive for weeks. My point is you may need to plan now for more assistance in your house than honey is able/willing to provide. Could you plan for a helper to come in for a few hours a day to help with meals or cleaning and catering to you both for a while? You deserve it.
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Dusti, you know you are welcome here to blow off steam at any time. But in this thread you started, there are many suggestions and answers about how you can live your best life, including a few of my own. You know we all care about you and worry about you.

However, as long as you remain in this situation, nothing will change. This man is verbally abusive. Gosh, I even worry about your fur kids; that he’ll do something to hurt them.

As long as you take his abuse and enable him to treat you like this, he’s going to continue. And something else, deep down he does not value or respect you as a human being BECAUSE you put up with however he chooses to treat you. What, exactly, do YOU get from this relationship? Are you afraid to be alone? If he is disabled and you do have your eye surgery how will he care for you? Or will he continue to abuse you because now YOU are incapacitated?

We all want love and romance like we read about in those Harlequin novels my mom used to devour. But when that romance is more a fantasy than a reality, it’s definitely not a good situation.

I hope you can have your surgery and that it’s successful so you can continue your painting. I’m sending prayers that it works out for you.
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Well today has been interesting, actually just before my honey went to bed. You would almost have to read "how to handle downright mean" that I wrote to understand but tonight my honey told me after he has his surgery he is coming home... period. He said I am not "stashing" (his words) in rehab or anywhere else and if I did not like it I could move. Advised him I am not going anywhere (this is my house...though I did not throw that at him). If he needs rehab or is going to have to have lifting he will be going somewhere till he can be mobile. Told him I am going to be working to have my eye surgery before he goes for his surgery. But if he gets mean again, well..... This all came up because I mentioned my eye surgery. I am really nervous as today when I went to the mail box I tried to read the license plate on a car that had been parked beside our house for an hour and could not read the plate. A month ago, or less, I could have. My eyes are getting worse too quickly.

I talked to my honey's liaison/nurse/coordinator at the heart failure clinic and told her today that the decisions will be his but I do hold POA should he not be able to speak for himself and they should have record of this (his POA, DNR should be on file). As I said in another thread I quit as his caregiver and am now only his significant other who helps him. According to him I have no say in what he does, his rehab (because I can't keep him from falling or lift on him...and I won't period) etc. So be it.

But at least he did not get mean or vicious about it. I heard him on the phone the other day and for the first time in a long time he acknowledged that I do have dormant epilepsy as well as the other health issues. I nearly fell out of my chair ( I was in my study) and he didn't know that I had heard it. First time in a long time that everything has not been about him and his poor, poor pitiful me. So I guess that things have changed some with him. I am glad to see it. Overall he is acting like he did before all of the issues started in Nov 2017. But he does have a few times that he slips into the persona he was in in Feb only not as mean or vicious and I stop it when it heads that direction.

Sorry, know I am rambling. It is late and thoughts are moving through my mind so quickly. Guess I had better give up and hit the "hay". Y'all have a great night! Thanks for being there for me. (darn I miss my smileys)
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I am sending you (((Hugs))) Dusti.
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Hi JoAnn, Geewiz... sorry your posts "snuck in" on me.

JoAnn...I agree. We sleep with a ceiling and floor fan blowing on us at night and we keep our temp in my home at 75 year round. I agree on letting him sleep, but I have started keeping track of his "naps" in case doctor asks me. It definitely gives me a break. My honey tried to get it back to where I waiting on him hand and foot and the things I know that he can do while on his walker and with his IV I have put back on him. I tell him his leg "aint" broke. I have to be here 24/7 as he is a major fall risk. Rehab is working on that but he has had balance issues since his strokes in 2005. But I still do what I want here which is my painting. It keeps me centered and grounded. I have been an artist since I was ten so it is an integral part of me that I refuse to lose. Plus I have my business that I am working on.

Gee... I definitely have. I need to get back in to see a neurologist due to my strokes (13) and my dormant epilepsy. Afraid they will flare but try to keep my mind off it. It is too hot to cook. Most of my cooking in the summer I do in the electric frying pan or griddle as it does not heat up our kitchen. I love to cook. But boy oh boy groceries have gotten so expensive.

Good idea on the bed. I will try that. Thanks for the "heads up idea". He eats in the dining room. I will not allow food or cigarettes in the bedroom period. Even when he was recuperating from his surgery in Dec he either ate at the table or I set up a tv tray where he could eat while he sat on the couch.
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Hi Ahmijoy...no apology necessary. You did not come off harsh and if I did I apologize...I did not mean to. I agree. I just keep standing up for myself and when I get fed up I just retreat to do my art which is very relaxing and calming for me. I do get artist block occassionally though. But over all spending time with my fur babies and my art keeps me grounded. If he can't handle that ....oh, well. When my honey is back to his sweet self I warm up and show the love I have for him, but I do not like him (and he knows it) when he turns into Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. I am not tollerating any verbal abuse and he has not attempted to physically abuse me. (he knows better) He says it is not my concern and not my business? I have already told him that anything that affects me and our babies,finances etc IS my business. And then have not said more than two words to him since then. May not bother him but at least it gives me time to center myself. When he is sleeping I do basically what I normally would (art, time with the babies, laundry etc). But if the doctor or rehab asks me if he has been compliant I will not lie to them. His heart function even with the defibulator and pacemaker has been declining. Which breaks my heart.

Thank you Ahmijoy. (smile)
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Dusti, have you considered therapy for yourself? That can be helpful in coming up with responses when he pushes your buttons. Little techniques to prevent you from blowing up, but rather to gently push back.
Also, can you slowly (very slowly) push back on some of the 'chores'. For example: It's in everyone's best interest for him to continue doctor and PT appointments, so yes do that. But, he will want to eat --- that doesn't mean you have to prepare meals. Have choices available --- in the cabinets or frig. But let him prepare them. Easy things - heck it's summer and too hot to cook anyway. Salad fixins, cans of tuna, rotisserie chickens that are cooked, whatever. Take a break for yourself. And, if he wants to go back to bed after the rehab visit --- well, strip the bed while he is doing rehab and take a long time to make it up. Don't bring him anything to his room, if he wants it, let him go to the kitchen or whatever to get. It sounds like he doesn't need continuous watching so just back off a bit. Afterall, whether or not he eats, 'isn't your business either!"
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Hi Mid...Thanks for your reply. I hope things have settled down for you. No not being "snarky" as I have called him my honey for the 30 years we have been together as we are not married (not even common law). I remember when my honey had his heart attacks, quad bypass and his defibulator. We had been together only 3 years when he had his heart attacks and they had to do the quad bypass (he got his first defibulator about two years later). He was the same way as you describe your DH. By the way heart attacks, as well as strokes, can cause severe depression and anxiety. Both the heart attacks/heart surgery and his strokes have caused him anxiety and depression issues. (I have seen this over the last 27 years).

I feel as you do except that we aren't married. Not sure I would ever want to date again after what I have gone through with my honey. It will just be me and my "fur babies" should anything happen to him. I am glad you gave your DH a thorough rump chewing and put your foot down. Maybe he will "wake up" before it is too late.

I understand what abuse can do to you and unless people have been through it they don't fully understand. My ex started out verbal and then before it was over he put me in the hospital with broken bones. I was very young at the time (we married when I was not quite 20 and I left just before I turned 22).

My honey has always appreciated, encouraged, loved and cared for me (even when he wasn't able to financially) until this past Feb. I think that and my love for him is why things are status quo. If he ever lays a hand on me though it will be a different story. I had a total anxiety attack melt down not to long ago and I think it scared him. And he was concerned yesterday when I broke out with large red rash spots and pain. This is what to much stress will do to a person. I had this happen in the 1990's due to job stress and ended up seeing every kind of doctor including the CDC doctors and they said no disease, shingles etc. I was just "jumping out of my skin" one piece at a time. It was and is the way my body reacts when over stressed.

Hang in there and try to get some rest and R and R.
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Dusti, I am sorry if I came off sounding harsh. That wasn’t my intent. But, as long as this man lives in your home, things will not change for you. You cannot change him or how he treats you. He most likely was raised to believe that women should be treated like this. You said you swore that you would not tolerate abuse again, but here you are with this man. I’m sure it matters little to him that you are giving him the silent treatment.

You deserve better, Dusti.
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Hi Ahmijoy...thank you for your response. (smile)...no I don't feel that I deserve the abuse or even a little bit of it. I learned about abuse from my ex who was a master of it. My ex's was verbal and physical and I swore then I would never tolerate abuse of any kind.

No there are no legal contracts between us but things are more complicated. The fact is this is my home (my name is on it and I have paid for it for the last 11 years...his name is not anywhere on the mortgage) And the rest would take another book to explain. But I am not leaving my home.

I don't know at this point what I am going to do, but I do know that I will not allow him to push my buttons again. Right now though he is up I am not talking to him and am working on a painting I am trying to finish.
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Dusti--

You have been through it with this guy....and you still refer to him as "your honey". Maybe being a little, um, snarky?

My DH also sleeps a great deal. He just got over 2 massive heart attacks--and so now he has a legit reason to be constantly "resting". I've seen my DH sleep for 100 hours, waking up only to shovel down a bowl of cereal and go to the bathroom.

My Dh had a liver transplant 12 years ago. He recovered, and he did go back to work and "sort of" went back to life, but only at about 50% power. Didn't care for himself post transplant, gained a lot of weight, wouldn't eat right (diabetes) wouldn't exercise and just lived life on the edge all the time. I feel like a single married woman. I don't have the freedom to date, but I don't have a love life, either.

The heart attacks has scared the bejeebers out of him. He got "saved" twice by amazing surgeons who now say he's fine--but he's depressed, angry, sad---and I was just kind of hanging in there, once again, taking care of him.

Something in this rehab just got to me---he's been such a jerk. A few nights ago--on my birthday, actually, he just was released from the hospital---he up and took off in the middle of the night, no note, no idea where he went. I woke up and found him gone. Freaking out----texting, calling, finally he answers me and he is FURIOUS that I am chewing him out for leaving like that--he had driven to his office where he'd left his pain pills and then STOPPED FOR AN OMELETTE on the way home. At 2 am.

The rump chewing I gave him when he did show up made him have chest pains--which I do feel bad about---but he's like this--totally in his own world, no thought for anyone else. Ridiculous and thoughtless. I told him I was divorcing him and that I was done, done, done with his abusive behavior.

Long story short--he has done a 180 in the last few days. Is it going to last? Don't know. But he knows I will NOT put up with this crap anymore.

I was abused as a child, and he somehow has been able to pick that out in me and although he is like 75% of the time, ok to live with...the times he's irritable and crabby just ruin life. He knows now I will NOT stay with him if he doesn't change.

You deserve better, I do too.

I'm not saying a total meltdown in front of your honey will change things, but the threat of walking out, might.

We deserve to be appreciated, loved & cared for. We just get so used to the nurse maid routine, we forget to take care of us.

Please take better care of you. Your story resonates with me....I'm sorry for any sister in the same situation!
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Your profile says he has a heart condition and has had a stroke. Heart problems can cause a person to be tired. Humidity is the worst for them. My Dad used to have the window a/c down to 65. They get hot very easily. My opinion, you have told him how you feel and he said its none of your business. Let him sleep, it gives you a break. Continue to do the every day things you do but make him do what he can, for himself. Do you have to be there 24/7, if not take a walk, go see a movie get away.
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You aren’t being selfish. Every caregiver here reaches the point of burnout. What we do when we reach that point is up to us.

Even though you call this man “your honey”, from what you’ve told us, he is anything but. He’s mean and abusive and you enable him by letting him do it to you. There is no legal contract between you but you stay. Why? Love is great but sometimes it’s unhealthy. Like now.

You are a good, kind and worthwhile person. Why do you keep letting him treat you like something that stuck to the bottom of his shoe? Do you feel you deserve it? Many women who live with abusers feel they deserve the abuse. It’s their fault. It’s seriously not. As long as you continue to live with him and allow him to treat you like this, nothing will change. There is help in every state for abused women. I think you should seek it out in your’s.
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