Blowing off steam again...

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Yep I am back blowing off steam....again. First my honey has been behaving himself and not being an abusive jerk (well 99% of the time). When my honey was going back to take a nap after being up for two hours...I got told it was none of my business. I reminded him that the spending more time in bed than up is what got him into the hospital the first time and this last time. This is what prompted the statement that it is none of my business. He started trying to turn things back around on me first and I turned it right back onto him and told him "to can it", that I am not the one who has been in the hospital/rehab with edema or the one who has an IV/visiting nurse and rehab. Anyway he is sleeping and has a 1230 appointment for the visiting rehab to come in. And I know that after rehab comes in he will be right back to bed. Ugh! I have not been spending much time with my honey since he has been home after his episode in rehab when he threatened me. Things changed, I just don't want to be around him much though I still love him. I spend a lot of time in my study just as he did when I went blind with cataracts in 2012. I am not happy right now though I don't know if it is just me. I feel like all I am is nurse (no longer classify myself as caregiver), cook, laundress and housekeeper. And with my own health problems my energy and will power to keep going is waning. The only thing that keeps me going are my puppies and my art. But when he told me it was not my business, I felt like telling him that neither is fixing his meds every week, scheduling and making sure he gets to his doctors appointments, or taking care of his IV. I guess I just didn't have the strength at the time though now I wish I had. He does not realize that I have put my life on hold for over 13 years to take care of him. Sorry, I know I am being selfish but had to blow off some steam. I know I should tell him to find other living arrangements but not an option at this time. He has no where to go and I am not quite ready to give up on him. Guess it is the old fashioned values that I have that when you love someone you just don't give up on them. Know he is a expert at manipulation, but I have been able to block it. And in this case if staying in bed so much puts him back in the hospital so be it, but he will be riding an ambulance this time. He lies to the doctors about his activity (he was really active at first), his eating, smoking and where he is at mentally /attitude. Thanks everyone...just need to get some things out. Not sure where I go from this point forward, but am thankful for this forum and the wonderful people here.

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Just checking in. Doing well though I have had doctor change my anxiety med as I have been having a problem with the lorazepam (lack of balance, more anxiety and depression which I have never had a problem with). Starting my new med today so hope it helps.

The nurses and both of my honey's facilities (one that monitors his coumadin level and the heart failure clinic) can't seem to get it together and somehow I am caught in the middle. Today I told them y'all figure it out and let me know. I can't deal with any more than I have on my plate already. This has been going on for the last week and a half. Ugh. They doubled my honey's potassium today until next Monday as they say it is not high enough (it is at 3.3 which is what it was at when he left the hospital last week and they want it at 4) so now he has to take 4 "horse pills" in the morning and four at night. Not sure any of them know what they are doing. Between dealing with this and my honey ready to tear my hair out. Ugh...but know I will get through it.
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Hi Snoopy … so far so good. Going to do a new thread...had a set back today. Not with my honey but me.

Take care and thank you all for being there for me.
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Good for you, Dusti! And I certainly hope you are feeling better and getting some rest after this latest crisis. You are giving us all some great lessons in how to set and follow through with sensible, caring boundaries.
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Well today was a breakthrough for me. This morning we received a call from the heart failure clinic that my honey's potassium had bottomed out and he needed to go to the ER to get a potassium IV asap. I was going through a severe bout of gastritis and severe stomach pains. My honey immediately started telling me I needed to hurry to get him to the hospital. I walked in, picked up the phone and called the non-emergency number and requested transport for him by the fire dept (ems). He in the meantime was sitting with his mouth wide open. I advised him I was not physically able to take him right then and therefore the transport. Think it shook him to his toes. I fed our fur babies and got my gastritis under control. Once I got to the hospital/ER and saw him he started in that he had told them to call a cab for him to get home once he was done. And started going on and on about how as his caregiver it was part of my "job" to take him to the hospital. I stopped him and told him flat that this was not correct as I am no longer his caregiver, only his significant other and I help him. I told him he kept telling me in his prior hospital stay and rehab that I was not his caregiver and refused to listen to me and that I didn't know anything and was no good for anything. I reiterated that I had quit as his caregiver as well since he would not listen to me and was derogatory. Now I am only his significant other and help him and will only step in as caregiver/POA if he is unable to speak for himself. He shut up as I believe he realized I meant it and I sensed a change in him. Not like before where he was trying to use manipulation but an actual change. It will be interesting to see how long it lasts.

I am done... period and meant every word I said to him. If he cannot speak for himself that is different, but he has a whole new world he is getting ready to see. That is setting his own appointments and doing a lot of things for himself. And you know what? It felt good. I feel like I have a weight lifted off my shoulders. I was calm and dead serious when I told him and I just feel like a whole new person. He tried to reel me back in by telling me he knows he is dying, but it did not work. I did not get him in the shape he is in though over the years his failure to take care of himself has cost me emotionally, physically and financially. I have my own health issues to deal with right now and that may sound selfish, but if it is so be it. I still love him so very much (you don't stay with someone for 30 years and through everything if you don't). But he can no longer manipulate me and I believe he knows it.
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Dusti, do you have specifics on your recovery from eye surgery? I dont know what your specific eye problem is, (possibly cataracts?) but my recuperation from detached retina surgery was grueling, and I had to stay off my feet for a few days, eye bandaged for a week and it was very painful. Rest was important and I couldn’t drive for weeks. My point is you may need to plan now for more assistance in your house than honey is able/willing to provide. Could you plan for a helper to come in for a few hours a day to help with meals or cleaning and catering to you both for a while? You deserve it.
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Dusti, you know you are welcome here to blow off steam at any time. But in this thread you started, there are many suggestions and answers about how you can live your best life, including a few of my own. You know we all care about you and worry about you.

However, as long as you remain in this situation, nothing will change. This man is verbally abusive. Gosh, I even worry about your fur kids; that he’ll do something to hurt them.

As long as you take his abuse and enable him to treat you like this, he’s going to continue. And something else, deep down he does not value or respect you as a human being BECAUSE you put up with however he chooses to treat you. What, exactly, do YOU get from this relationship? Are you afraid to be alone? If he is disabled and you do have your eye surgery how will he care for you? Or will he continue to abuse you because now YOU are incapacitated?

We all want love and romance like we read about in those Harlequin novels my mom used to devour. But when that romance is more a fantasy than a reality, it’s definitely not a good situation.

I hope you can have your surgery and that it’s successful so you can continue your painting. I’m sending prayers that it works out for you.
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Well today has been interesting, actually just before my honey went to bed. You would almost have to read "how to handle downright mean" that I wrote to understand but tonight my honey told me after he has his surgery he is coming home... period. He said I am not "stashing" (his words) in rehab or anywhere else and if I did not like it I could move. Advised him I am not going anywhere (this is my house...though I did not throw that at him). If he needs rehab or is going to have to have lifting he will be going somewhere till he can be mobile. Told him I am going to be working to have my eye surgery before he goes for his surgery. But if he gets mean again, well..... This all came up because I mentioned my eye surgery. I am really nervous as today when I went to the mail box I tried to read the license plate on a car that had been parked beside our house for an hour and could not read the plate. A month ago, or less, I could have. My eyes are getting worse too quickly.

I talked to my honey's liaison/nurse/coordinator at the heart failure clinic and told her today that the decisions will be his but I do hold POA should he not be able to speak for himself and they should have record of this (his POA, DNR should be on file). As I said in another thread I quit as his caregiver and am now only his significant other who helps him. According to him I have no say in what he does, his rehab (because I can't keep him from falling or lift on him...and I won't period) etc. So be it.

But at least he did not get mean or vicious about it. I heard him on the phone the other day and for the first time in a long time he acknowledged that I do have dormant epilepsy as well as the other health issues. I nearly fell out of my chair ( I was in my study) and he didn't know that I had heard it. First time in a long time that everything has not been about him and his poor, poor pitiful me. So I guess that things have changed some with him. I am glad to see it. Overall he is acting like he did before all of the issues started in Nov 2017. But he does have a few times that he slips into the persona he was in in Feb only not as mean or vicious and I stop it when it heads that direction.

Sorry, know I am rambling. It is late and thoughts are moving through my mind so quickly. Guess I had better give up and hit the "hay". Y'all have a great night! Thanks for being there for me. (darn I miss my smileys)
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I am sending you (((Hugs))) Dusti.
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Hi JoAnn, Geewiz... sorry your posts "snuck in" on me.

JoAnn...I agree. We sleep with a ceiling and floor fan blowing on us at night and we keep our temp in my home at 75 year round. I agree on letting him sleep, but I have started keeping track of his "naps" in case doctor asks me. It definitely gives me a break. My honey tried to get it back to where I waiting on him hand and foot and the things I know that he can do while on his walker and with his IV I have put back on him. I tell him his leg "aint" broke. I have to be here 24/7 as he is a major fall risk. Rehab is working on that but he has had balance issues since his strokes in 2005. But I still do what I want here which is my painting. It keeps me centered and grounded. I have been an artist since I was ten so it is an integral part of me that I refuse to lose. Plus I have my business that I am working on.

Gee... I definitely have. I need to get back in to see a neurologist due to my strokes (13) and my dormant epilepsy. Afraid they will flare but try to keep my mind off it. It is too hot to cook. Most of my cooking in the summer I do in the electric frying pan or griddle as it does not heat up our kitchen. I love to cook. But boy oh boy groceries have gotten so expensive.

Good idea on the bed. I will try that. Thanks for the "heads up idea". He eats in the dining room. I will not allow food or cigarettes in the bedroom period. Even when he was recuperating from his surgery in Dec he either ate at the table or I set up a tv tray where he could eat while he sat on the couch.
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Hi Ahmijoy...no apology necessary. You did not come off harsh and if I did I apologize...I did not mean to. I agree. I just keep standing up for myself and when I get fed up I just retreat to do my art which is very relaxing and calming for me. I do get artist block occassionally though. But over all spending time with my fur babies and my art keeps me grounded. If he can't handle that ....oh, well. When my honey is back to his sweet self I warm up and show the love I have for him, but I do not like him (and he knows it) when he turns into Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. I am not tollerating any verbal abuse and he has not attempted to physically abuse me. (he knows better) He says it is not my concern and not my business? I have already told him that anything that affects me and our babies,finances etc IS my business. And then have not said more than two words to him since then. May not bother him but at least it gives me time to center myself. When he is sleeping I do basically what I normally would (art, time with the babies, laundry etc). But if the doctor or rehab asks me if he has been compliant I will not lie to them. His heart function even with the defibulator and pacemaker has been declining. Which breaks my heart.

Thank you Ahmijoy. (smile)
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