Bitterness and resentment towards an elderly parent.

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My father died in May from congestive heart failure. I was his caregiver and worked with Hospice in his passing, but it has haunted me. I had to give him morphine when I wanted to nourish him back to health. Two weeks after his death, I moved my 86 year old Mom into my home as she is wheel chair bound, and can do nothing for herself. I have lived next door to my parents for 38 years and helped them all thru the years gladly. When Mom moved in with us, it's like a light switch was flipped. I love my Mom dearly and have been devoted to her all my life. After a few months, I am so frustrated and bitter. I take very good care of her, but just do not understand these feelings of resentment and anger. I have no help. I have two sisters who live out of state but they do nothing. Adding to this is my little granddaughter has been sick a lot, and I cannot be with her as she is two hours away; and I have no help or money to hire a sitter. I haven't had time to grieve my Dad, nor can I help with my granddaughter's chronic illness. Is this why I suddenly resent my Mom? I just don't understand. It scares me that I can feel this way towards someone I have always cherished.

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That's exactly what my mother has done Jessie... She seeks so much pity and wants me to fall all over her... She has absolutely no empathy for all the time and major effort her daughter (me) has sacrificed for her... Hell... I pity myself now for being such a patsy and given up so much of my precious life and independence... while being totally exhausted while trying to pay bills and make a 'living' around her pity parties (and, her never supporting me in 'the' family, with the brothers, daughter in laws, nieces, grnd nieces...). Like you my best and only choice is to,distance myself to try and gain my 'self' (autonomy) , self worth, dignity, etc back.
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One big problem I am having is my mother is feeling so sorry for herself. The self pity is a hard burden to put on a caregiving child. I have to stay away from her to keep from being pulled down into the same depression. She feels that there were only two people she ever loved and both of them are gone now. Oh, poor poor her. It is really a ploy to try to solicit pity from me. Really, I am thinking she was blessed to have such a long life, but she has wasted the last 10-20 years of it. What do I say when she is filled with pity about her lost loved ones? Say yeah, I'm sorry you lived longer than them, too? That would be mean. There is really nothing to say when it goes on for a long time. Antidepressants don't help.
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I understand Jessie... I can't believe the person my cold hearted mother has turned me into... I really resent her... She is so,cold hearted... I know I will never have the mother I so longed for... She is vacant when it comes to me (her only daughter)... Her Sons are her Golden boys... (she literally turns away from me... ).
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My mother chews on me a lot. She wakes up complaining and goes to bed fussing. The main thing I hope is that she doesn't wait for me at the entrance of the Pearly Gates. ARGHHHH! I couldn't deal with the complaining for all eternity. Maybe that would be Dante's First Realm.
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I just saw my post from 4 years ago, and nothing has changed... actually, it is much worse... I too lost my father at a young age... One reason why I wanted my mother around as long as possible... I literally gave up the last 14 years of my life to cater to her... seriously!... I threw her a 90th birthday last Sunday, and all she did was cry when my brother and family (who weren't here) Skyped her... She gloated all over them... I was totally excluded for hours after I busted my arse to invite at least 16 of her 'friends' and neighbors over... Now, she is even more distant from me... I never thought I would wish I was never born...
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Suzannaha61,
I like Blannie's answer. I know how you feel. Nobody wants to go to the hospital unless it's to visit someone who had a baby! I think we have all felt torn when you know you need to get up there to see her, yet you also know there is no way to make it into a short trip! Sometimes even when you really love them it's hard! I feel for you dear.
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Suannah61 you have to take care of yourself. I gave myself one day where I took a break from mom. Can you take a couple of days away from mom and do some things you love to do, that are restorative for you? See a movie, read a book, take some walks, visit with friends, exercise, whatever restores you. {{{Hugs}}}
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I'm sitting here wondering whether or not to visit my lovely elderly mother in hospital. I'm physically exhausted, (this has been an intense situation for many, many years) and I'm becoming emotionally distressed by the vigour of medical interventions. I am utterly devastated for the loss of my mum.
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Good question Paige... I struggle with that issue also. Kind of damned if you do, damned if you don't (especially, the mentality of it all). It's so difficult when you give so much of your life towards them, and then feel guilt for one reason or another... I would also like to be a peace knowing that I've tried my best... I guess it's all a part of life somehow... I also lost my father at a young age ... I know how you ache from such an early loss of a parent... it's such a void that you have to live with and be reminded of, especially around your mom. Realistically, I know we can't be all, but when we have 'feelings' this 'caring' does a number on us... It's a tough act... I guess we have to 'learn' to forgive and be kind to ourselves... (I'm forever working on it). We're only human. Big hug... 🌷💓💐🎼
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I feel resentment toward my 80 year old mom and she's doesn't even sound as bad as some of these other posts. She lives an hour away and usually pretty independent. Lately she's needed more help from me because of her knee replacement. She's just so negative and never seems to be that happy about anything. She's depressing to be around and I'd rather spend my time with people who are enjoyable. Just wondering how I can make our time more pleasant together. I know she won't be here forever and one day I'll regret that I didn't appreciate her when I had the chance. I lost my Dad when I was 11, so I know what it feels like to wish you had even just a little more time. I have to accept that at 80 years old she's not going to change, so how do I change my frame of mind. A lot of posts say put yourself in your Mom's shoes, but that just makes me feel worse.
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