Beyond dysfunction-Sister had mom's B-day party without me...


Sister just had a party for our mom's 80th birthday without including me. Dear mom lives at home with my 83 year old dad as her exhausted primary caregiver.
I haven't been on good terms with my only sister for several years. She has an abusive husband, and seems to redirect the anger and hurt in every direction so I mostly stay out of her way. Mom just told me last week that sister decided to have a party for her on Sunday. Apparently a last minute decision to celebrate mom. Up until that day, mom was telling me she wasn't sure she was up to a celebration.
My husband was travelling out of town that day and I had made plans with friends. That day was bad for me. Mom said it could only be that day because sister's husband was gone the rest of the month. So they had the party without me.
What kind of a person does this? I'm mostly venting about the dysfunction, but I am sad and heartbroken. I feel like my sister is taking advantage of my mom's compromised status. How would you make peace with this?



Thanks all for replying. I am taking both parents out next week.
Don't know why but it seems the person who creates the mess walks away without a care or any recognition of the negative impact to others.
I like the comment about not taking any of this on though. I'm trying. I didn't create this badness, and I'm not going to engage in it. Thanks.

Yes, you do something with your parents.
My brother was married for the second time for 22yrs. There was a maybe 16yr difference in age between me and SIL. She never warmed up to me. I am the only sibling close by. My parents would be invited to special occasions but very rarely my family. I was told by my Mom that I wasn't being invited to a party because....there was no room for 4 more people. Since this wasn't her first slight, I got up upset and Mom Didn't seem to see the problem. After brother devorced Mom told me she saw what was going on but Didn't say anything to get people upset. Would have been nice if she at least acknowledged my feelings.
I let it go a while back. Problem is I Don't really know my nieces and they Don't know my girls.

If you want, take just you and Mom out for a lunch?

This tells far more about your sister than it does anyone else. It’s not reflective of you or your powerless (in this situation) mom. Sis is merely showing her character or lack thereof. I hope you won’t take it on yourself, you’ll change nothing and no one. I’m sorry it happened, some things just stink

Know why the "elderly parent years" feel like one let-down after another? Cuz that's exactly what they are.

My first instinct is to say that Sis showed her true colors. Plain and simple.

Or – perhaps Sis' abusive husband would only "allow" Sis to attend a gathering for HER OWN MOTHER on a day when he could be be there to monitor Sis. (Sick. But that's how abusers operate.)

Either way, you don't need the static. You don't need the stress. You don't need the disrespect.

When you are feeling less raw, try to treat this new clarity as a gift. Better to know you cannot count on someone, than to mistakenly assume you can.