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Mom, 95, with dementia, Parkinsons, sundowning, diabetes, hearing loss and incontinence, lives with me and hubby, 66, who has severe epilepsy and just had a heart attack. He is extremely sensitive to stress. Mom shuffles over from her side of the house at night and it upsets him. I am the only child. He wants her to go to a Memory Care Unit. She is like a stick tight to me much of the time. I asked her twice, a few nights ago, if she wanted to go live in a place with people her own age and she said no. She said that she wants to live with us. Anyone experience anything like this? Thank you.

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Husband comes first (after yourself, of course).

Mom deserves the absolute best care you can provide her, without putting undue stress on your relationship with Husband.

My 95 yo mom has mobility issues, hearing loss, and dementia. She has been in a nursing home for two years and she is thriving! It is a huge benefit to her to not have to go through the hassle of putting on outerwear and struggling into a vehicle to go somewhere. The last few months at my sister's she wouldn't even go to her hair done. Now when it is time for her hair appointment someone wheels her down the hall to the on-site salon. There is live entertainment two or three times a month -- no need to go out for it, and it is short enough for reduced attention-spans. She goes to bingo at least once a week. There are crafts and sing-longs and parties. She has made a couple of friends. She flirts with all of the men. She is more confused than ever and she cannot bear weight on her legs. She is a two-person transfer. She continues to decline. But she is content. If we had asked her if she wanted to go somewhere she could do crafts we would have heard a resounding NO. In fact after she'd been there a while and we found out what all she was doing my sisters and I looked at each other and said, "who is this woman doing crafts and going to sing-alongs, and what have they done with our mother?!"

Stop asking your mother where she wants to be, and start looking into places that are appropriate for where she needs to be. I'm guessing she needs a nursing home, but her doctor can help you decide that. Just because she has dementia does not mean she needs a Memory Care Unit. Again, her doctor and the facility's admission people can help you work that out.
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Find a memory care facility for her, or nursing home if that is approprite. Plan for the move by getting her doctor's order stating what sort of facility is appropriate.

Your first responsibility is to you husband. He also has health issues that need to be tended to. If mom us stressing him out you have to find another place for her. And naturally, if you ask her she will say no. What would you say? What woyld your husband say?
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