Believing caregivers, how do I reconcile that scripture says to put others before me whereas the secular world says put me first?

Blessed12345,
You have a plate full. I understand your feelings and I believe a lot of us here do. The most important thing that you do for yourself is in what you said, "And STILL I believe I am blessed. STILL I have faith in the Lord and in my bones I know there is nothing more noble or Christlike than easing another person's suffering."
That is what keeps you going through the things you endure through. That is what will continue to get you through. And that is what will be your reward for doing this. Never lose that.
This is a hard job, but can only be done well with the help of the Lord. Only He can help us do this right, as you know.
You will be in my prayers, continue pressing on and growing in grace and knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

Jenny,
Cmagnum is correct, You may need some counseling.

Suicide is NEVER a good option. You know I have no one that will be here to take care of me should I be granted to live a long life.I have no children, friends or relatives that would do for me, what I do for my Mom and did for my Dad. I think of that sometimes. But, I know that I am investing in my spiritual life. Seeking First the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and in doing so, I Know with full assurance the Lord will take care of me and put me in the right place at the right time with the right people to take care of me. So this trust I have in HIM, and I do not fear life or what will become of me. That is a true health insurance.
I hope you seek some help, and engage the Lord for help. I will be praying for you.


LL-Things are getting better, thank you for your encouragement, my friend. I hope you have had a nice week.

Smeshque: You are welcome my dear friend. Hope things are on the upswing for you.❤

jennyfrix,

Feeling that interested in suicide as a health plan sounds like you need to seek some help. You are still rather young to be thinking that much about death.

What kills me is that no person that i have cared for will be here for me. I have no kids. My husband is 80 and i am 55. i am terrified of the future and want to die sooner than later. I want no life saving measures on my behalf, i have a dnr, and i hope that i develop a life taking illness sooner than later so that i do not wind up in the hands of a nursing home or worse, homeless and old with dementia. Suicide is my health plan.

I do not think that putting others before you in order to put yourself in harms way, is any kind of scripture intent. What it means to me, is do not be selfish, share if you can, include the stranger next to you when you decide to scream or not, or to hoard food or unneeded belongings. Being a martyr is not only dumb but harmful.

Blessed12345

Who is going to help you once you reach their age? I think that you need to take better care of you or you will end up broke, broken and homeless in your old age.

I ask myself these questions too. I cared for my grandfather with Alzheimers for 7 years in my twenties, he had a feeding tube and was bedbound.
I am now 32, caring for my grandmother who has chronic asthmatic bronchitis, which developed into pneumonia. My mother is diagnosed with Bipolar and is on Lithium, she has Fibromyalgia as well. Her husband has a heart condition. This past summer I was taking care of them and now I've adopted their dog all while taking care of Grandmother and dealing with the mental and emotional abuses of narcissistic Bipolar women all after a 7 year stretch with little to no sleep. I have very little gas left in the tank, and everyday God gives me a little more to get through. I've never been married or been able to have a family of my own because I'm too busy caretaking. I have had to make relationship, career and life choices I'm not proud of because of my circumstances and obligations.

Nobody asks how I'm doing or if I need help. When I wonder why I realize everyone must see me as a pillar of strength and have faith in my abilities. This is a blessing. I would rather be in a position to help than be helped. Still, sometimes, it's torturous to my soul and excruciatingly painful, alienating, and has robbed me of freedom. However, it is God's will and I trust in the Lord, and I know he is with me. Also,a few years ago my mother told me that my biological father was a gay man who died of AIDS and that she had been lying to me, my entire family, had been lying to me my entire life. So, my name on this site should probably be the caretaking pariah! And STILL I believe I am blessed. STILL I have faith in the Lord and in my bones I know there is nothing more noble or Christlike than easing another person's suffering. My love goes to all of you.

“For with thee is the fountain of life: in thy light shall we see light.”
Psalms 36:9

“For thou wilt light my candle: the LORD my God will enlighten my darkness.” 
Psalms 18:28

Thank you LL, I appreciate your words and your are right. I am only human so at times I forget that. :) And you are right about the beneficial posts of my Dear friends here, including yours. :)

Thank you Rosses, I did not see your post until just now. It is very much appreciated and encouraging to me, and helpful. And you did make me smile. :)
I am working on those little things that make me smile. It has just been so hard to see them lately. I agree with the nail bed. :)
I am so grateful to have such support and understanding from you all here. I know in my heart what the right thing is to do. And I know I try and do that to the best of my ability. Sometimes this human flesh thinks maybe this will bring me joy or that, and then it just turns out to be a burden. I wonder sometimes where the scripture says there are four things that are never satisfied, one of them being the barren womb. I always wonder if that is why I keep trying to find what to do with myself outside of caregiving, trying to see my purpose as if taking care of my mom is not a precious gift in itself. I think maybe at times my pride hinders my true intent and then when I realize truly what I am meant to do, it is humbling and that hurts my ego I guess you could say.
I will get it figured out with the Lord's help. I truly am grateful for this site and having crossed paths with some wonderful people.
Thank you.

Rosses003 & Frazzled: I believe that your posts will be quite beneficial for our dear friend, Smeshque. Thank you for that!❤❤
Llamalover47

Smeshque: As I posted, the devil will try to get us down. I think you may feel downtrodden because no one person can DO IT ALL. You were trying to balance work~and getting up such an hour of
"before the rooster crows." And then providing full-time care for your dear mom. Trying to go to school was a good thought~ but one has to be refreshed to absorb was is taught. Perhaps you needed respite. I am praying for you as being a wife, a caregiver and a student may be beyond one person's ability. I only knew one friend out of very many friends that could do something akin to this because she was a type A personality. BIG HUGS ((( ))).

Thank you Frazzled and Send. I am sorry was having a moment of weakness. Thank you for your care.
I think it is a combination of trying so hard to love my Mom extra for the love that she is missing. Logically I know that I cannot fill that void, only the Lord can. But my heart hurts so much for her.I know that these things are for to draw us nearer the Lord and I dare not hinder that for her. But it still makes me so sad what she is going through.
Secondly, I think it also has to do with how excited I got about going back to school etc, But after taking a few classes, I can see how it is not going to work right now, because of my other duties and responsibilities. So now I am back to square one with finding respite and figuring out what to do with myself, since I can't do what I intended.
Thirdly, could be Birthday blues. I am a planner and every goal I had set to be achieved by my birthday has failed. Now I know I cannot control life, but I couldn't get myself back enough to get these things done. I felt restricted within myself this last year, like I was being held in place, not to move. And that is how I feel now as if I am being held in this spot and even though I plan, desire, and begin, it all just seems to fail or become less important than other things.
Maybe I am just meant to do what is set before me and do it well, nothing more and nothing less.

Smeshque Occupying :)

Occupy until He returns.

Dear Smeshque,

Roses bed? How about a Fakir’s nails bed instead as an appropriate description of our life some days?! Right? I feel the nails too!!
I understand, fully, how you feel. I have been having similar feelings lately (a very prolonged “lately”, I must say). I just wish I cried, I think crying is therapeutic Smeshque. My need to be strong has extended to everything in my life, so I rarely cry for a valid reason...now give me a documentary about poverty in the world, or abandoned or mistreated puppies...and I will be crying rivers!! - Trying to lighten up the subject and hopefully make you smile 😊-.

I think that since we have the blessing of our faith, our overall comprehension of the situation and what we should do or not do according to our principles and the love in our hearts is clear, what we struggle with is the day to day execution, because the reality of our challenges unavoidably is there to kind of sabotage our life. So, I believe part of the solution is exactly in the day to day. Whatever the overall cause is (this special time of the year, or a mid life crisis, or the load getting too heavy...no, you are not losing your mind) what matters is what can be adjusted, fine tuned, in the day to day. Like we have heard many times, everybody needs an incentive to get up and keep going.

Maybe the answer lays there. Looking for something that just thinking of it makes us smile. In my case, it could be for example getting up and smelling the freshness of the crisp air, planning to make an special dish while listening to music! Or being able to go out and get a coffee by myself at a coffee shop, or a new book (or an oldie but goodie!;), or dreaming of my furniture designing, etc...it may sound silly, but all that helps to put an smile on my face and give another purpose to my days, aside from being a caregiver.

Do you think that may help the situation a little for you as well? Sometimes it is not about drastic changes, which many times are not possible- and rather it is about small daily changes or reasoning to feel a little more at peace and a little happier in the midst of our challenges and sometimes fakir’s like life! ;)

Sincerely hope these rough days pass and get better. It all shall pass! With faith and a little enthusiasm, it all shall pass!! :-)

(((HUGS))), Smeshque, could it be that you're feeling overwhelmed? It sounds like family responsibilities, this being a rough time of year, school work, etc could all just be getting to you. The holidays can be a very stressful time for anyone, but I think for caregivers and especially if you've lost loved ones around this time of the year it's doubly hard. Do something nice for yourself and try and take a break whenever you can.

I understand how you feel. I have days like that too, where I just get overwhelmed, by all that is going on or by emotions I am feeling or both. Usually getting some rest and taking it easy a little bit helps me to get my bearings back, and having a good cry too helps sometimes. As much as I hate to cry, it can be a good and much needed catharsis.

One of my favorite Bible passages is Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me all you that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls; For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." I've had to lean on His strength many, many times when I felt I just could not take one more step. Yet He is always faithful to get me through every day.

I am having such a rough time right now. My faith in the Lord is not slacking, but that doesn't mean each day is filled with joy and is a bed of roses. I have spent the last two days having to get off and have a good cry, much like now. I do not know if it is the time of year, or I am losing my mind, or a "mid life crises". But I feel like I did the day I sought out in desperation this site, which I was so blessed and still am to have come across. I have lost all interest in anything I have normally been interested in. I am just getting through each day. Now, I understand that all things happen for a reason, and I am by God's grace going to get through whatever this is, to see the reason or the learning or the growing that I am to do, whatever it be. I am just feeling blah! I don't know, I just needed to "speak" amongst others who at times feel much the same.

Smeshque, your answer is so full of truth! And I agree I don’t think human beings have the capacity to perfect the art of patience, but we can do it all through Him, who constantly strengthens us, guides us and loves us!!

May He bless us and help us be a good representation of His infinitely patient love!

The devil will try to get us riled up as he is working 24/7 so when weary, saying "Cast out devil" helps.

Smeshque, thank you, yes that is most helpful, and you are so right in saying that we should never "grow weary in well doing" - imagine if the whole world lived by that and 1 Corinthians 13, oh what a beautiful world it would be!

God bless you.....

My patience also truly hurts a lot. But this is what I think about when I start hurting. I say over and over again to myself, "Don't grow weary in well doing."
And I think how I truly would not want God to lose His patience with me, and I am sure that my behavior and attitude at times are not pleasing to Him. Yet he still loves me and is patient with me, and allows me time to do better.
Sometimes I just have to try and sneak off for a few moments, get on my knees and cry to Him. Then I keep in mind He is helping me and I can with His help do this.
I don't know if we as humans can truly ever perfect the art of patience. But, from experience I truly know it gets better with much practice, controlling the tongue and just keeping in mind 1 Corinthians 13. I have memorized it to say to myself also in moments of weakness.
I just think the more we fill ourselves with His word, the more good that will come out of us and as we grow we strengthen.
I am not sure if this is helpful, just trying to convey what I have learned and am still learning and will always be learning.

My patience "muscle" still needs a bit more exercise - that is my contstant battle (and lesson), so if you have any tips for me on this, they'd be most welcomed :).

Thank you Sharon.
Very well put. :)
I am trying to do exactly that. In seeing things that way I have found more endurance and more patience comes when it gets worked.
Patience is like a muscle, the more it gets worked the stronger it becomes.
I also strive to live in service to HIM, and not society.
Thank you for sharing, your words are lovely.

Smesque, you have given yourself your answer - "I spend a lot of time in prayer and in the word, that is the only way I have the strength to do this". When we go through trials, as man has done since the beginning of time (look at Paul's suffering), God gives us his gift of comfort. I have realised that there is lesson to most difficult times that we endure, for me, dealing with and looking after my mom in law, it was the lesson of patience, and if we look for what God is trying to teach us through what we are enduring, then we find that instead of focussing on the difficulty itself, which is natural for all of us, then we actually swing it around to thankfulness for the lesson that God has given us. There is a further gift that God gives us, and that is the gift of comfort to others in sharing our experiences.

I think that we do all have a bit of the struggle that you are going through, but we need to try to keep in mind that this is temporary, keep thinking about the lesson that God is giving us, stay focussed on Him, and how He intended for us to live in this world, not how society does.

Frazzled: So sorry about dysfunction in your family. Giving you a big hug. I know dysfunction through my husband, who suffered a horrible upbringing. Alcoholic dad & VERY MENTALLY ILL mother! All 6 kids suffered! If you didn't eat your veggies-they got placed atop your head by mom-in-law. I never met her and if I had, I would have tried to help her.☺😨

Rosses: Did you not get to read my post? Yes, thank you; I did understand your analogy. I am doing some better.

Smeshque: Amen to that!

We are all wounded,
from the battles of life
we all carry with us
scars from the strife.

We have all suffered,
the pain of depression
each of us has felt
the sting of rejection.

We are all wounded,
damaged in some way
we all carry with us
the hurts of yesterday.

We all need healing,
from the harm done
we all need someone
to whom we can run.

We are all wounded,
in need of comforting
we all need Jesus . . .
to ease our suffering!

~~~~~~~~Deborah Ann Belka



Isaiah 51:12
“I, even I, am he
 that comforteth you:”

Frazzled-so glad today was better. Try and enjoy the Holiday as much as possible. I will keep you in my prayers and I thank you for the prayers also.

It is wonderful that we have a place to share in this most difficult journey.




Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:2

Thank you, Smeshque, for your kind and uplifting words, and for the prayers. It is so true what you said, that we cannot deliver the endless love and patience, or fix their pain or internal unrest, but He is able, either in this life or the next. It does seem a long and hard road sometimes, but I'm so grateful to be able to share on this site among like-minded friends who understand.

Today was a better day, after the long day yesterday. Just trying to get caught up on some other things around here that need doing before Christmas gets here.

Hugs to you too, hope you have a good night and will keep you in my prayers, as well as your mom.