Believing caregivers, how do I reconcile that scripture says to put others before me whereas the secular world says put me first?

((Hugs)), Smeshque. It's only natural to have those feelings when it comes to those we are close to and love dearly. It's comforting to know that the Lord is walking with us through the valley of the shadow of death, but I know it's hard not to fear the death of our loved ones, as it means being separated from them, at least for awhile, but not forever.

Your mom is really blessed to have a daughter like you who loves her so much. You are doing a great job of taking care of her and I'm sure there is no doubt in her mind how much you love her. Just live each day with her to the fullest and hug her and tell her often how much she means to you, which I know you already do.

Ask the Lord to prepare your heart for when that time comes, to give you peace and comfort about it all. I saw a quote once that says, "We're all just walking each other home." I really like that one. And the best part is that the Lord walks with us too.

The other day Mom and I were talking about something I cannot remember now. And as part of the talk she had said "I am not getting any younger,' She was not sad or saying anything to try and make me feel bad, that is not her. It was a remark in reference to whatever we were talking about.
When she said that, my heart just stopped(not literally of course), but I did not hear the rest of the conversation as those words just played over and over. Still are.
I had to go outside and I just bawled. Because she is right. Only I do not think of those things I just try and live each day that we are blessed with and do not try and think of what if's or whenever's.
Since then I keep flashing back to the day in the hospital, when the Dr. came in the room and before he spoke, I felt it, I knew my Dad was gone. I am tearing uo as I write this. :(
Before he even said the words, I said "No, No, No"
As if my words could stop the outcome of what the Dr. would say.
That day Mom and I were shopping. DH, Dad, Cousin and my Uncle, went to the city to the sporting goods store. Dad and My uncle were in the riding carts and they were racing as the story goes. Acting like little boys. On their way home DH was sitting behind him and he saw my Dad's head go down. DH immeciately jumped in the front seat and began CPR. Uncle pulled over on the major interstate and DH pulled Dad out and Did cpr until ambulance came. Uncle called me, and told me what was going on. He and cousin was visiting from out of state and could not give me specific location. DH was busy and I couldn't ask him, so I tried to guess by their time frame of leaving the city. I had to stop for fuel because DH never fuels the car. We headed down the highway and I drove to where I thought they could be, no sight of them. Then I saw an ambulance pass by, my heart sank. Since I could not pin point their location, I told Mom we will just go to the hospital. Due to being on the on the interstate the ambulance had to go way past them and then turn back and get on the other side of highway. The whole time I am begging God, and pleading with him not yet, not yet. We got to the hospital and after we told the lady who we were, we sat and then an ambulance pulled in and I felt so sick. Dh, Uncle and cousin arrive shortly after. DH hugged me so tight and said, I tried, I tried, But he did not have any answers as to if Dad was breathing or not, or he didn't want to tell me.
Well, after the Dr, came in the room and said they did what they could do and I don't remember anything he said after that. I just sat on the floor and wailed. Oh how I wailed. DH got on floor and just held me so tight. Mom was strong the whole time through all of it. I went and sat on my knees in front of her with my head in her lap, telling her how sorry I was. She just lost her husband of 60+ years. She just told me, she was ok.
They all went in to see Dad one last time. I did not. I could not. Uncle came out and brought me a paper. It looked like a receipt. I thought what is this. He said I took it for you, It is your Dads last heart beats. Sigh.
I still have it.
That is what has been haunting me since Mom said those words, I am not getting any younger.
Oh I know it will be so much harder if I lose her( I am desperately sorry to all who have lost), I just needed to share with someone what I have been feeling. It is so ugly these feelings and I know and trust the Lord, but I am having a hard time not thinking about this now.
As with my Dad, the Lord took him, there was no reviving him, he was gone, not to come back. He went quick the way he wanted to. The reason I know it was his time and there was nothing we could do to prevent it. Was because he had no heart problems. Then Bam heart attack.
I am so scared to feel those feelings again X infinity.
I am trying to get this all out of my mind.
Thanks for letting me write and maybe it will help.

I have always been fond of this scripture in Mark chapter 10.

Then Peter began to say unto him, Lo, we have left all, and have followed thee.
And Jesus answered and said, Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my sake, and the gospel's,
But he shall receive an hundredfold now in this time, houses, and brethren, and sisters, and mothers, and children, and lands, with persecutions; and in the world to come eternal life.

What has always caught my eye is the fact that in following Jesus we receive blessings. And yet persecutions. So you are reading it and you think look at all those blessings and them Whak! and.... persecutions. :)

Life as a caregiver can at times feel like a persecution. But what I have learned most, if I change myself, I change also the way that I look at it. Now in no way is it easy, again in NO WAY is it easy. But in changing myself (which is still and will always be a work in progress), I see things differently than when I first showed up here at aging care. Which has been a tremendous blessing to me. Of which I thank you all for that, even if we don't see eye to eye, we can love and support one another through the hard seasons of life.
I was so desperate when I first showed up here. Having lost my Dad and now just my Mom and what she has come to need. But today I can say, I am not desperate anymore. I have been blessed through much prayer with some understanding and a change in myself. I see it clearly now. You know it is kinda like when Moses and David were just shepherds of flocks. Not really a prestigious job or position in life. But you see they were just in training for something more important. So the way I see it, in everything in life whether it seems important or not, that is where we are placed for that time. And if we do that well, and right. Who knows what we are in training for. In everything we do , we should always do it to the glory of Christ. The pains equal growth. Growth equals wisdom. And wisdom equals understanding. I may have that backwards, But all of it equals a better us.
This probably doesn't make too much sense, as I do not often explain things well.
I just want to do this well and with integrity.
And I can only do that with God's help.
May he bless all my fellow carers. I treasure you all.

Ele- thank you , I agree.
James is one of my favorite books, I read it often.

I struggle with this as well. I've been studying the book of James and encourage you to read it as well. It speaks of how the trials of this life strengthens us and makes us mature believers. It tells us to ask for wisdom and believe that God will give what we ask. It also speaks of being slow to anger which I have a huge problem with in my situation. Honestly, we will never have all the answers and we will have days where we put ourselves first. That is the great thing about grace and forgiveness, God's mercies are new every morning :) keep going and keep the faith, we are not perfect and we will have bad days. Even on my bad days I try to do a little something for myself, which is sometimes just as small as getting the biggest coffee I can find with a sweet treat at my local coffee shop.

Please pray for all the tornado victims.

Measure your life by loss instead of gain;
not by the wine drunk, but in the wine poured forth.
For love's strength stands in love's sacrifice;
and who suffers most has most to give.


Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
Charity never faileth...
1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I have never looked at God as a big bully in the sky. Does that help? If we see God as a God who truly loves us it helps to understand everything. Jesus suffered more than any of us. I try my hardest to remember that. It helps me to put things in perspective.

If He suffered and was totally innocent then I figure that we will too. Still, we all question God at times. I get that.

Oh Smeshque, your words seem so familiar to me, such an accurate description of what I feel myself, with the exception of the ‘refreshed feeling’ part of the cycle. I used to have that feeling more often and I also used to have much more control over it, but now it seems to have become, simply put, harder.

I know a lot has to do with the fact that the more tired and overwhelmed I feel, the less ability I seem to have to truly get closer to God and let Him drive; I know I am so exhausted because of my imperfect way of trying to do what I know in my heart is right and it is what God wants me to do, yet I don’t abandon myself to His will, instead still keep trying to control something that is clearly bigger than me! but that I know I could handle much better if I let Him be the force behind me. Not sure if that makes much sense, but to me it does, it sums it all.
If I just really rested in Him like a child rests in his mother’s arms, then I would see things differently ALL the time, not only certain few (and fewer) times.

We should not forget though, that we are human, and He understands every single thought, feeling, action..more than we do ourselves.
Let’s try to rest in Him Smeshque -truly- and I know we will feel that refreshing feeling we so much long for!

May our Father embrace us with the sweetness and understanding of His love, a love that doesn’t judge us, doesn’t reject us despite our imperfections; the unconditional love of our Father is our Hope, our calmness, our sunshine, our strength! He will always protect us, even despite ourselves.
We just have to let Him!

May He bless us all, and a hug to you!

I seem to go through cycles. Burnout, refreshed, burnout, refreshed.
I cannot pin point what brings either cycle on. Nor is it a set amount of time. Just seems to go that way. Right now I am in burnout. It produces in you a flight or fight metality. And that then produces a fight in myself to contain any ill emotions and never direct them at anyone. Makes you so tired.
I know this cycle is only temporary and I will be refreshed. Just waiting on the Lord.
But it certainly is a hard cycle to go through, crying, sleeplessness, etc. I know we all go through it and I am not an exception, nor feel my load is more than others.
It does not change my desire to do this well and with integrity. It does not hinder my love nor distort it. It only pains my human flesh and causes a heaviness to compass me until lifted.
Only you all know that this is probably the hardest thing we can go through in life, save for the loss of our LO's.


My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.
1 John 3:18

To KNOW Jesus is to KNOW peace.
To NO Jesus is to NO peace.

Smeshque: What a lovely thing you did for that lady at church - was just what she needed yesterday as she was missing her mother so. You are a gentle and kind soul.❤❤❤❤

There is this sweet lady at church, who was heartbroken today. I just hugged her and hugged her. This is her first Mother's Day without her Mom. And she was trying so hard to be strong for her Dad. It broke my heart.

I wanted to say to all my fellow beings here that are now without their Mom. My heart breaks for you, and I send love and prayers your way. May God comfort you on all days, but especially the harder ones.
And to those also who have mourned losses of never being a Mother themselves. Just remember there is a reason for everything. Even the heartbreaks.
I love you all.

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;
Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

I don't think it's so much about putting yourself first as it is about taking good care of you so that you can take better care of others. See? Jesus had a habit of drifting away to a quite place now and then to take care of himself and he was the sinless son of God. Which I think teaches us that if we wish to minister to others as Jesus did we also need to understand that we must take the time we need to care for us. You can not fill a pitcher at an empty well.

It's not about putting you first it's about filling your well. Something else to remember is that putting others first can sometimes mean realizing that although you love someone you may not be called to provide them with 24/7 care. Sometimes a family member is simply not gifted with what is required to be a caregiver. Remember Martha and Mary? One called to serve one not called to serve but both doing what they were called to do.

God has a uniquely you, kind of plan for your life. If you believe that, then taking time to discover your personalized plan, claim it, and implement it is all you need do. It's been my life lesson that God reveals his plan for you, to you, and only to you. Others can provide counsel, input and prayers but in the end you're the one who will know deep down inside what is to be done.

Amen, Smeshque

Some weeks are brutal.


Psalms 3:4 I cried aloud to the LORD, and he answered me from his holy hill. Selah

Some days are just harder than others.

"Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."
Psalms 55:22

Smeshque: Oh, praise God for the kindness shown your mom!

I hope my aging care family had a good day. We had a good day of worship. One lady at church really talked a long time to Mom, I love it when that happens. I just sit quietly and thank the Lord someone is giving her social.

She is almost back to normal from being sick. She and I both have a little cough, but that too is going away.

“Unto thee, O LORD, do I lift up my soul.” 
Psalms 25:1

Thank you Llama- thank you.
Back at you ❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞

Smeshque: Sending hugs to you & your mom.💙💜💛💚💜💛💚💜💛💚

You are right. We don’t reconcile God’s way with the worlds way. They are on opposite sides. Ask your believing friends to come over and visit, ask your church to help out with things you don’t have time to do, Keep the worship music on day and night. Have the Bible study at your house, get the local news and use it to become a prayer warrior.ask God for a friend.

Smesh, your heart is toward your mother, and you were so concerned that she have a good day; you are so giving and loving. But it was a difficult day for you too, my friend. I am glad you were able to slip away and cry when you needed to and get through it when you missed your Dad. It takes time to get used to new realities. Your mother is blessed to have you! Hugs and hugs to you!

Smeshque, I think you did well reminding your brother. At the end of the day if nothing was gained, nothing was lost either. And now you know for next year that your mom really doesn’t ‘need’ his text, since he will not even call her. You did your best effort. And I’m so glad your mom is healing, that is another huge blessing,

I miss my dad so much, so I completely understand you; even after so many years have passed (unbelievably 13). But I have a hard to explain feeling that my dad is with me through this journey, from a place of peace, a peace we couldn’t comprehend even if we tried in our human condition. I know I am not explaining myself well, it is one of those things meant for the heart to understand, not the mind :)

I know you miss your dad, but I also think he is with you, walking along the way, along this the path of life with you and your mom.

Very glad the day accomplished what you were hoping for. A hug!

I did go ahead and contact him and told him please call her today. He didn't call, he texted, but I guess it was better than nothing? Mom really didn't seem to care about the text, I think she thought why did he text? Anyway. it is not because he forgets dates and such, it is because he chooses to do or not. I prompt him because I love Mom and she misses her kids and grands so much,

Anyway, we took her to lunch and went to the city shopping and I think she was wore out from all of it, she said she would rather play scrabble than dominoes. and we played and she was ready for bed. It was a rainy day. But we made it through, and I had many times of dismissing myself from her presence and to have a little cry. Was feeling so many things today. sadness for her, and sadness because Dad was not here. Just when you think you are good to go, it hits you. But, I just try to do all the things I can for her that my Dad would have wanted to do. She had as good a day as possible, I believe and she had a couple of laughs and she was her normal self, so I think she is ok.

Desert your son and I share a birthdate. And DH birthday is in July, so I will try and remind you about your daughter in July. :)


Rosses- It was a true blessing they had each other for so long. Through thick and thin, Good times and bad. Not being together was never an option for them. I know she feels like half of her is gone. When he first passed she barely talked about him, she talked more about her own Dad. Now she is beginning to talk about things they did and stories of thier life. SO I think her heart is healing, will never again be whole, but healing.

I would say call and remind him. I am one of those people that simply does not remember anniversaries and birthdays. I know my twin brother's birthday and always text him. Did I mention he is my twin? And I remember my son's birthday because it is the day after Christmas. But my poor daughter was born in the middle of July. And every year in June sometime I think, my daughter's birthday is coming up... then about a week after her special day, I think, oh cr*p! I missed it again! And the thing is, I WAS THERE!! Lol! Birthdays and anniversaries simply don't compute for me. I love my daughter dearly. We text and talk often. I would love it if somebody would alert me and say, buy the girl a card on THIS date. Mail it on THIS date. I'm just date-ignorant.

I wish your mother -and you! - joy on her special day. And don't begrudge your poor brother for being date-blind. If he's like me he just can't help it. It's sorta like being color blind, I think. At least, that's what I tell myself! 😉

Dear Smeshque,

I was reflecting on what a wonderful blessing each of your parents got having found a person that loved them literally til death did them part. And I am so glad it was the same for my parents. Of course it is heartbreaking and drastically life changing to have the person you love and who you have spent and lived life with for so long leave you all of the sudden, but on the other side of the coin is the great blessing to have found that someone that truly loves you..

I think you are an incredibly thoughtful daughter, and your mom knows it and that warms her heart more than you know.
As I believe I have said some time before she is a blessing in your life and you are a blessing in hers, your husband is an enhancement of that blessing!

As far as your brother I think your mom’s day will be brightened up by all you have planned; you have her covered in a way that the sadness that could prevail will be covered by the joy you will bring to her day.

Yet, if you feel that the phone call really makes a difference in your mom’s day. That she gets happy feeling her son remembers her and also the date of their anniversary, then I’d say call him to remind him. Because you don’t do it for him but for her. It doesn’t matter that you are dealing with someone that needs to be reminded to do something that should come from his heart; it doesn’t matter that you are the only one that cares and wants to make her feel loved and special; all that matters is that she indeed feels loved and special, and that you know in your heart that you are doing all you can to make a positive difference in her days.
We can certainly not change others nor put in someone’s heart feelings that they simply don’t have; you cannot make them understand things they simply don’t care about nor comprehend, All you can do is do your best.

Hope your mom enjoys all the blessings you have in store for her, starting with the blessing of having such a loving and thoughtful daughter!p. May God bless you greatly!

No, I don't think that's wrong at all Smeshque.

I have a situation going on with my family now. My brother is in the hospital and I tried to get sibs involved more. It's truly a waste of time. It was the same when my mom was in hospital. Doing the right thing doesn't seem to matter to them. It's sad to know that about them all and yet they have to live with themselves. I've washed my hands of it.

Keep on doing what you know to be right Smeshque and let God deal with your sibs.

So tomorrow would have been my parents 64th Anniversary. I cannot imagine being with a person for 61 years and then being without them almost 3.
Since Dad passed we always try and make certain days, especially special for Mom. I was telling DH this evening as I cried, how I am the only one that can make her feel special now. None of the other kids care to. I was going to email brother that does talk to her here and there and ask him to call her tomorrow, as I have done evry year, and he does. But, I am not going to. I am going to just let him do it on his own if he is going to. Is that wrong?

We are going to take her to her favorite restaurant for lunch. Then we will bring DH home as he has some work to do. And Mom and I will go shopping. Then we will play some dominoes in the evening, her favorite game, Mexican train, I already have her a card and a bouquet of flowers to greet her when she wakes.
So I hope that will be a good day for her. We can't do a road trip at this time, because we are behind in work because of the rain. So I feel a little bad about that.


“Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.” 
Philippians 4:11

Dr. Martin Luther King said this in a 1957 sermon

Now there is a final reason I think that Jesus says, "Love your enemies." It is this: that love has within it a redemptive power. And there is a power there that eventually transforms individuals. That's why Jesus says, "Love your enemies." Because if you hate your enemies, you have no way to redeem and to transform your enemies. But if you love your enemies, you will discover that at the very root of love is the power of redemption. 

You just keep loving people and keep loving them, even though they're mistreating you. Here's the person who is a neighbor, and this person is doing something wrong to you and all of that. Just keep being friendly to that person. Keep loving them. Don't do anything to embarrass them. Just keep loving them, and they can't stand it too long. Oh, they react in many ways in the beginning. They react with bitterness because they're mad because you love them like that. They react with guilt feelings, and sometimes they'll hate you a little more at that transition period, but just keep loving them. And by the power of your love they will break down under the load. 

That's love, you see. It is redemptive, and this is why Jesus says love. There's something about love that builds up and is creative. There is something about hate that tears down and is destructive


DH showed me this, and I just loved it so much I wanted to share.

Well Mom is feeling better. Yay!!! DH and I are better, YAY!! I would like to recommend elderberry syrup for cold and flu prevention. It is wonderful stuff. All natural.
I was talking to someone today about my Dad. How I miss him so much. But, what I learned is that I can now talk about him and smile, instead of cry. To me that is a sign that the cold grip of grief has been removed from my neck. I am finally seeing the sunshine and beginning to feel alive again. I will always miss my Dad and there will always be moments of tears. But, no more grief. I know he is resting at peace, no more pain nor tears, and I will see him again.
But it was only today that I recognized this. It only took almost 2 1/2 years to get through that process.
I see healing in my Mom too. She has always been so much stronger than I, emotionally. But I can tell by her eyes, what she is feeling and how she is. And I believe there is a dim glimmer that was lost when he passed. So I believe she too is healing.
You don't really think that grief would be such a long process, and I know for some the time can be many more years. But I just wanted to ensure others that with God's help you will get through it. Never over it really, just hurts less and less.
Just sharing.



And I heard a voice from heaven saying unto me, Write, Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth: Yea, saith the Spirit, that they may rest from their labours; and their works do follow them.
Revelation 14:13