Believing caregivers, how do I reconcile that scripture says to put others before me whereas the secular world says put me first?

Smeshque: I pray that you can get through this heavy load. As you look to the Lord for His guidance. I, too, am on my last ounce of strength having had a trio of doctor appointments. 💜💙💜💙

Been rough for me around here. I am trying to maintain closeness to God, as I am having a very rough time.
I am tired. I have faith that it will work itself out, and my answers will come.

“Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.” 
Psalms 27:7

Smeshque, glad you are feeling better and hope you have been able to get some rest. I know you have a lot on your plate.

I don't think it would be unethical at all to hire a financial manager if you were to be placed in charge of AB's finances. Just make sure you vet the person or company carefully and keep track of statements, receipts, etc and make sure he is only being charged the fees agreed upon in the contract. Fees for this should come out of his account and can be taken as a deduction on taxes. It would be easiest probably to hire a CPA who could also keep track of all the tax stuff. And be sure not to commingle any funds in the event that AB might need Medicaid for any reason, as it can greatly complicate things.

Praying for you for strength and for His guidance in navigating all of this. He is faithful to provide. Many times though I worried because I wasn't sure how we were going to afford mom's insulin or when we were looking for a place for her, or trying to get her help for her mental health, the Lord came through every time.

Hugs, dear lady. I hope you and your mom and family have a good week.

"Even If"

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad
I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Good thing
A little faith is all I have right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able
I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul


MercyMe

Smeshque: You are welcome. I, myself, am playing catch up here. I am glad that you seem to be on the mend. That must have been a difficult service for DH's grandpa done in traditional Native American style. Good for AB and good that mom enjoys him. Get some rest, dear lady.💚💛💚💛

Send thank you for the info. and the advice on the hearing issue. It was very informative. I will practice.

Llama- thank you for your kind words, yes Rosses is a good model of faith. And thank you for the hearing advice as well.

Maureen- This is a difficult journey and everyone must decide what direction to take in the part of a LO. May the Lord guide you and help you do what you need to do.

So DH had another death in his family, his Grandpa. He was Indian as well as a vet. So this time the funeral was half traditional Indian way. With the addition of a religious graveside and the 21 gun salute. We had to go early this morning to help get things set up and DH was help in the burying, I just hung out with the Grave Diggers. There was not many tears...

I have been sick but I am on the mend, hallelujah!
AB had a better day with less dizziness and no napping. For a while there he could only do about 30 minutes of anything then nap, then it worked up to an hour then nap. But today was the first day, no nap and not so much dizziness. I am not so familiar with strokes and am learning. But he has good days and bad days.
Mom is for the most part enjoying having him around. Because of his limitations he can sit and talk with her. And he does. Which is helpful to me.
However, it is still taking a toll having another person to assist. But, Oh I am praying hard that the Lord shows me how to do this well and how to manage this and endure. Which I know HE will. I have already been thinking about hiring help to come in and do some things for Ab that he can't And that has become a load for me.
Now my concern is money. My Money is tied up in providing for our needs and Moms needs and the work that we do.
AB is financially able to provide the money for this. If he has turned over his finances to me, would it be ethical for me to hire someone to help him with it? I have been waiting until his former house is rented and he does not have to pay rent there anymore since we had to move him before his lease was up, I have been waiting to charge him rent on the place now. I also have been waiting for that place to rent, to free up more money so that I would not feel bad, hiring help for him. But I believe if I could get help in that would definitely ease my load. I don't know.
We have so many irons in the fire. I am definitely aware of the reality of caregiver burnout and I am being cautious to not get there.

“Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.” 
1 John 4:11

I struggle with this too. It was really crazy for me a few years ago when I was away at a Christian college and I had divided opinions from people, some saying that of course it was God's will for me to be there because it was "God's own University" and being there was going to help me grow into a model servant of Christ who would go out into the world and do all kinds of great things in His name, and that my mother was out of God's will and possibly not even really saved since she wanted me to leave there and come back to care for her.

This was the prevailing opinion but some felt that the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother" was the important thing and that even as an adult I still owed her respect and obedience and to be there for her in whatever capacity she felt she needed me to be, even if it wasn't really good for me to do so. I did end up giving into the guilt and dropping out and coming home after just one year of school, but now I'm feeling trapped and smothered to death and am desperate to finish college and just generally get my own life back. Like I knew I would the day I left campus.

So I don't think I can continue to "honour" my mom in the way she wants but I will always love and be concerned for her so right now I'm awkwardly and heart-breakingly trying to work through meeting my own needs again while still seeing to my mother's needs as much as I can.

The main thing for me has been realizing that my mom's problems don't take away my right to pursue freedom and happiness. I don't owe her my whole life and person. Yes, I do need to deal with her respectfully and obviously avoid directly harming her, but I can't buy her health and happiness back for her by offering up mine. That is too much for anyone to ask of another and you should never ever ever feel guilty for wanting a normal life or like you don't deserve one because you have a sick loved one. And you have to remember that God loves your loved one, but He also loves you just as much, and He knows that you can't give what you haven't got, so if your current life is making your heart feel empty you need to give some love and care to yourself in order to have enough to give to your loved one. But this is a lot easier to say than to do.

most people, especially older adults, have mild-to-moderate hearing loss, especially the type that makes it harder to hear high-pitched sounds. In this case, the only symptom may be difficulty with word understanding, especially in situations where there is competing noise. 

Hearing vs. understanding
When your hearing is tested, the results are plotted on an audiogram. People with high-frequency hearing loss are said to have a “sloping” hearing loss. If you have a sloping hearing loss, it means you are able to hear low-pitched sounds, (sounds below 1000 Hz), sometimes even as clearly as someone with normal hearing. But, high-pitched sounds (sounds above 1000 Hz) need to be much louder before you can hear them.

Smeshque: Praying for you dear lady as you take on this added responsibility of caring for AB. You will get through it only with the help of our Lord. And when you cannot, you must try to seek respite even if it is only for an hour or two to read your bible. Hugs to you. Prayers for God to lift your illness. That is a heavy load.

Send: What an interesting approach of lowering one's voice. If a person is partially hearing impaired, that generally does not work. I, myself, a person who wears one hearing aide, know that I speak louder than the norm. I know one lady who chooses not to wear either of her two aides, so she is really booming and also responds incorrectly to questions, e.g. at a restaurant - Waiter - "Would you like lemon in your ice water?" Her - "No, I don't want dessert."
But thank you for your insight into the auditory issues of elders. I am among them.

Smeshque and Rosses: You two are such special, Godly people. Thank you for being who you both are, encouraging one another and others along your way - whatever the challenges may be - in life. You and so many others on this forum are truly deserving of hugs and prayers. Thank you!

Smeshque: Yes, it is always better for an elder if you can face them or be closer to them when you are talking. This doesn't always work, though. I will tell you about the difficulties that I encountered when speaking to my mother - even when we were in the same room/house/residence. I was stumped because she would constantly talk over me/at the same time. I tried saying "Mom, it doesn't work if we both talk at the same time." No response. She still did it. Finally I solved the problem. It took me more than a minute to say the least. She just had to talk WHENEVER even if it was the same time that I was verbalizing something BECAUSE IF SHE DIDN'T, SHE WOULD FORGET WHAT SHE WANTED TO SAY. I found that quite interesting, but then my mother was much older than your's at 94 years of age. So good luck. As a person with a partial hearing impairment (myself), I speak louder than normal, but that had nothing to do with conversing with my late mother.

Hi Smeshque,
For better hearing and understanding, look at Mom, smile, say her name....
then lower your voice, speak slower.
Really, lower your voice?
Yes, because a soft voice gets shrill when you try to repeat something, or raise your voice.

My hubs is always asking me to say his name first, so he can give me his attention.

The stress of a new person could be having Mom distracted, and I am sure she can sense you are under more pressure.

Breathe deep when you are thanking God for everything.

Rosses,
I thank you truly for your kind words.
They mean a lot to me and I know you understand. I will heed your advice.
As we know this journey and labor of love is not an easy path, nor is it always pleasant. I know that the Lord will get us through these things and I will fervently pray for the answers I need and that you need and that we all need.
Without him we are hopeless.

I am hoping you and your Mom are doing ok. That you are remaining strong and enduring through your challenges. I know God carries you, as your faith is strong.

Know I pray for you and her. (Big Hug)

Continue pressing on, occupying and standing in the gap

Dear Smeshque,

First of all, A HUG!!
A sincere hug filled with hope, calmness, light, health, energy and peace!

Secondly, I’d encourage you to remember that when we find ourselves feeling out of balance, maybe even somewhat desperate, worried and tired, we tend to not be able to see -to really see - the situation clearly, nor the purpose of the path we are walking or the lessons that it brings with it.
You are one of the wisest persons I know so I know your judgement is always centered, but tiredness is a great obstacle in life.

I have learned the hard way that life is meant to be lived based on priorities, otherwise we enter a state of disarray, and disarray means the loss of peace. When we give care, peace is so priceless, isn’t it? Peace is really always priceless but for us caregivers it is simply essential. Sometimes it is all we have that keeps us going, with the grace of God.

I think you have your priorities very clear, but maybe need to align your actions with your priorities. There should be no remorse when we know we have tried, we know we won’t serve well if we don’t preserve ourselves and our peace, when we know that each day counts, each effort matters, each moment devoted to our priority is gold for our souls and theirs. We may be sabotaging our intent when we don’t focus precious energy on what we should, and that may very well be and should be ourselves too. Because we need to have some sort of a life to be able to help others, we are important tools God is using to provide love and care! You too matter my friend and recognizing that doesn’t contradict God’s plans.

I am not checking agingcare lately but I am glad I did today, to lovingly remind you that you’re not alone, and you deserve being cared for, we need balance and peace to be able to honor our true mission. Aligning our actions with our purpose and priorities is not only a good idea, it is necessary.

Pray, as you always do, so you get the clarity you need to make decisions in peace. I will be praying as well.
Another hug!!

Life has become hard again. With this new person to assist and feed, it has become so exhausting.
Just when I get it down with Mom, now I have to figure it out all over again, with a new responsibility. I know as with Mom, the Lord will help me endure and will give me the answers I need. Just have to wait.
I have been sick the last two days, so it has been even more difficult.
It is not that I don't love AB, But I love Mom more and it is more bearable when you are attached to the person. I am hoping that my love for him will grow and that I can be more patient and tolerant when it comes to him. But it is so hard not to feel that I have lost my life yet again, for the third time. Only the first 2 times I was willing to get it figured out for the sake of all involved. And while I am willing now also to get it figured out, I just feel so overwhelmed yet again. Sigh.
But I know that all things work together for good to them that love the Lord. And I do, Oh how I do.
So I just wait. And pray. Wait and pray.
I am just tired and I think if helping AB interferes with my care for Mom, I will have to figure out an alternative. Because she comes first. After DH of course.
But I so hope it will get worked out, because I do not want to have to decide an alternative.


“The meek will he guide in judgment: and the meek will he teach his way.” 
Psalms 25:9

Mom's hearing is getting worse. I normally am a soft speaker, even as a child I was always told to speak up. :)
But for the last little while, I have to almost yell so she can hear me sometimes unless I am right close. I am not yelling at her, just have to yell to get my voice to where she can hear me. I have tried and tried to coax her into going and seeing about hearing aids. She is in a little bit of a denial in needing them. But when I have to yell for her to hear me, and DH has to raise his voice to be heard as well, it stresses me out. I do not want people thinking I am yelling at my Mom. I just havent figured out how to get her to want to go check out hearing aids. Sigh


“And this is the record, that God hath given to us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.” 
1 John 5:11

I have learned something new to do with Mom and how she loves to tell stories and loves to talk.
Well Since AB eats every meal with us now, At meal time when no one is talking I will say a word to Mom. Like I just pick a word at random, because Mom will have a story and that story just goes into another story. Now I have pretty much heard all the stories but it is on a rare occasion I get to hear a new one. So for example I said to Mom at breakfast, the word is Bicycle. She will go into a story in her memory bank of something to do with bicycle and then it leads to other stories. It is amazing how her mind works.
But she enjoys this and AB and DH get to hear stories they have not heard and they find it quite interesting that she has such a plethora of stories in her memory. So she gets social, and some stories are funny so we get a laugh and she just loves sharing her stories so it is a neat thing we have begun to do. It allows me to enjoy hearing them seeing how others at the table are intrigued. It is pretty neat how implementing something new gives her spark and joy.

KaiulaniK- I agree with you.
“Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.” 
Ecclesiastes 7:9

I believe, against all modern thought, that others should come first. I believe it is a beautiful thing to give until you have nothing and are truly humbled.

I think almost all caregivers have felt this true humility.

We can not pour from an empty cup. Making sure YOU are healthy and feeling love for yourself, is the only way to share that with another.

I tune out those who say "take a day off, you need it for yourself, what's the worst that could happen?" Because they don't truly understand my situation and have no idea that many horrible things could happen and objectively I just do not have the time/energy/resources or luxury.

I DO listen to those, like my therapist and grief counselors, who tell me I can not pour from an empty cup. Take 15 minutes a day to make sure you're ok. Give yourself enough room to breathe, until maybe you can give yourself enough room to think!

This is my go to song. The music and words, just get me through,..,,

I Am
by Crowder

There's no space that His love can't reach
There's no place that we can't find peace
There's no end to Amazing Grace
Take me in with your arms spread wide
Take me in like an orphan child
Never let go, never leave my side
I am
Holding on to You
I am
Holding on to You
In the middle of the storm
I am holding on
I am!
Love like this, oh my God to find!
I am overwhelmed what a joy divine!
Love like this sets our hearts on fire!
I am
Holding on to You
I am
Holding on to You
In the middle of the storm
I am holding on
I am!
I am
Holding on to You
I am
Holding on to You
In the middle of the storm
I am holding on
I am!
This is my resurrection song
This is my Hallelujah come
This is why to You I run
This is my resurrection song
This is my Hallelujah come
This is why to You I run




“For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.” 
Romans 14:11

If the skies above you are gray, You are feeling so blue,
If your cares and burdens seem great All the whole day thru,
There's a silver lining that shines In the heavenly land,
Look by faith and see it my friend, Trust in His promises grand.


Often we are troubled and tired, Sick with sorrow and pain,
There are others living in sin Blest with earthly gain,
Take new courage we cannot tell What tomorrow may bring,
When the dark clouds vanish away Then your heart truely can sing.

Oft we fail to see the rainbow Up in heaven's fair sky,
When it seems the fortunes of earth Frown and pass us by,
There are things we know that are worth More than silver and gold,
If we hope and trust Him each day, We shall have pleasure untold.

Sing and be happy Press on to the goal,
Trust Him who leads you, He will keep your soul:
Let all be faithful, Look to Him and pray,
Lift your voice and praise Him in song, Sing and be happy today




Praise the LORD; for the LORD is good: sing praises unto his name; for it is pleasant
Psalms 135:3

But the salvation of the righteous is of the LORD: he is their strength in the time of trouble.
Psalms 37:39

Mom is doing better th ese days.
AB is not doing well. He is having a lot of memory issues and is frustrated not being able physically to do what he use to before the stroke. He is sleeping a lot. But he is trying to build back up. He does a little, takes a nap, does a little takes a nap. His arthritis in his hands is torturing him.I am investigating natural things, as he refuses to go to the dr.
Tomorrow we will go help unpack all his boxes, and get him organized. As he is really overwhelmed with the thought of that. But I think it will make him feel a little better not to have to do it and just to know where things are.
Yesterday I harvested more potatoes, trying to get them up before more rain. It was the heat of the day. I would do a little and have to rehydrate. Was a slow process. But gettin it done. Still have 3 and 1/4 rows left. But when I was working in the field, I prayed for some cloud cover. And the beautiful thing was, not only did I get cloud cover, but I got a nice breeze. God's love is wonderful.



“Therefore, brethren, stand fast, and hold the traditions which ye have been taught, whether by word, or our epistle.” 
2 Thessalonians 2:15

Smeshque,

You always have the prefect words to say. You are a very good writer. And you brought a smile to me. You are the one with the kind words.

I know I am not in this alone that God is with me every step I take. He always takes care of His children.

Your welcome and thank you for just being you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-METBrlP3xU

Shell- thank you for your kind words. I am sorry you are having a difficult day, probably two. I am glad that the words were there for you as needed. God has a magnificent way of sending us comfort through others or things or whatever he sees fit.
Hang in there. He is the God of all comfort. And he works everything together for the good of those that love him. So while we wait to see that goodness, that is the hardest thing to have that patience when we just want the sad feelings to go away. But I guarantee you, that after all is said and done you will look back on how much you grew through these hard times.
Hug and prayers for you, Smile.

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you’ll just
Smile

Smeshque,

That is a prefect poem for today. It hit my soul and I just needed to hear those very words at this moment!!

Thank you Smeshque and for all you bring to this forum and this world. You are truily a blessed soul.💕

Smeshque,
Thanks for all you do, for everyone!

Smeshque,
Story of John Griffith, was that Max Lucado, author?

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

Tenth Avenue North Lyrics