Being power of attorney for my Mom is driving me to suicide.

Sternotherus, first I hope you are feeling a little better and things are a little easier. Second, I echo what others have said. It would much better for you and your mother if someone else took care of the details and you were able to visit and be her daughter. Please keep letting us know how you are feeling and what is happening. It is not surprising that you are feeling overwhelmed and as if you can't go on. Accepting help doesn't mean you have failed. It means you are strong enough to see the realities of the situations.

I'm sure a lot of us in our 50's and up, remember the NH's back in the day. Of being hit with a urine/feces smell when you entered the door. Horrible neglect and abuse to patients. I can't speak for all NH's however I have experienced the NH that my motherinlaw lived in and now my husband's nursing home and have found them to not be anything like that now. True, in most cases the NH employees are spread thin and still expected to take care of alot of patients and all of them want what-ever to be done right this minute (which is not going to happen) No smells, anymore, eemployees are great, good, passable and awful. So having to have a loved one go to a NH is something noone "wants" to do but at least it's a lot better then having 1 person to oversee everything. I was where you were at a year and a half ago. But thank God he directed our path and everything fell into place. It is a lot easier to be the one that can go visit and enjoy your loved one and to keep tabs w the NH employees re: treatments, care, financials etc. I was so burnt out that it took me a year and a half finally start to really relax. I had an epiphany a couple of days ago, that I had not realized the severity and scope of being burnt out I had been. May God bless you and your family and direct your paths.

Ellen,
How would you council me if I had written your post?

Obviously, you are stressed to the max to mention suicide. Wouldn't you tell me that I was taking on too much? That I should "let go" of what I could, to be able to relax and breathe? That if I'm considering ending my life BECAUSE I'm doing too much for my mom, then I shouldn't be doing that much?

Wouldn't you say that I should let 3 shifts of fresh, well rested trained professionals do my job of caregiving now because I'm stressed enough to do irrational things?

Wouldn't you tell me to think of what my actions would entail-how would my mother feel if I killed myself and she felt it was HER fault?

You need to ;
1. Lighten the load you are carrying any way you can and do it NOW. Just stop the calls and paperwork if you have to.
2. 'Consider' the possibility that she may HAVE to go into a facility and that she won't hate you for it. She would be happier having a daughter visit her in a place she'd rather not be in, than to not HAVE a daughter at all.
3. You need to make a call to a suicide prevention line if you are contemplating that as your only way out. Number is above.
4. You need to call for ongoing therapy. They are familiar with the huge burdens that we carry and you can "unload" your feelings with an impartial therapist.
5. Unfortunately, we have to prepare for the eventual decline of our parents. That will be best done when you have eliminated as much stress as you can and just be her daughter.

May God help you on this difficult journey. (((hugs))))

Hi everyone thank you for the support it has been a rollercoaster with Mom in & out of hospital & rehab she’s now home again but her mobility has declined so hope the pt can help her improve so she can stay at home. She cries whenever a nursing home is mentioned. I hope she doesn’t have to go to one. Hugs to all you fellow carers & sufferers - Ellen

Sterno; please come back and talk to us!

I understand. I HATE forms. Mom had house so filing for tax reimbursements. Even after her death I had to file with the state to be able to sell her house that was on the market for over 2 years at time of death. I did find a NH that took good care of Mom. A LOT was taken off my shoulders. They became Mom's payee for SS and her pension. I let them do her laundry. Her days just went into each other so I cut down on my reg visits.

When mthr needed care, we were advised to apply for guardianship OR to ask the state to take over her care with a state-appointed guardian. The people we talked to understood how stressful it is to be the caregiver and suggested that state guardianship was absolutely fine if I could not take on the more than full time job of taking care of her! Once she has a guardian, you can simply be the daughter - you don't have to be everything. Many people can't handle the job and use the state. They don't post here because they are not having problems! The guardian is a full time job, paid by the state, to manage the care of several people who can't take care of themselves. The family can still visit, but they have nothing to do with all the decision making. You can step off the merry go round and take care of yourself for a change. Stay with us, your mom needs you to visit her!

I sure understand the miserable. I think I understand about feeling guilty about giving up POA. Why do you feel guilty about your mum being placed in facility. 24/7 care at home is only for the wealthy.
Can you tell us a little more about your mum and her health issues and also about your relationship with her? I have been in situations where I could not see a light at the end of the tunnel. It is scary.
Do you have a support system where you are - friends and/or family?

I am safe for now, but miserable. The agency on aging is not helpful. I feel too guilty to give up POA. & especially to let my Mom go to a home.
Thanks for your support.
I still don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.

((((((((sterno)))))) The issue is more that you are safe. Have you asked your local agency for aging for assistance ? Check with them what happens if you resign as POA and there is no back up. I contemplated resigning as POA more than once. Things have settled down since. I hate paperwork with a passion and get overwhelmed with it too. I am behind with my taxes and mother's . For your own sake you may have to back out and let the state take over. Your mother will be looked after, though maybe not in her home. There comes a time when a parent needs 24/7 care that a care center is a better place for them. Many seniors do not want to leave their homes, but, realistically, a facility provides for their needs at a lesser cost than 24/7 at home. The system cannot sustain that. Try to let go of the guilt - it plagues many caregivers, most in fact, though they are doing nothing that warrants it. ((((((more hugs)))))))

My Mom is safe for now, unless medicaid says she can’t have 24 hr care. Thanks for asking.

I already have tried many therapists & psychiatrists & the meds help a little, but I’m overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done & each call leads to 3 others & each form to other forms & there’s never any resolution. My Mom’s money is running out & we owe the lawyers at least 3,000. She has ltc insurance but it only pays half so we’ve spent since September applying for medicaid & the doctors & the lawyers & the agencies keep screwing up so now she’s down to her last dime & we hope medicaid will be approved, but she needs 24 hr care in home & the lawyer said they won’t give her that & everyone keeps asking me questions I can’t answer. I’m so burned out & my job is stressful & time consuming. I don’t have anyone I can turn to for help.

Hi sterno - I know it seems endless, but it is finite. Call the suicide line and tell us more. There are many here going through the same thing. There is help.

Hi Sternotherus,
Caregiving is a long difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site.
However, there are limits to what untrained members on our site can provide for you.
Please reach out to experts for additional support and the help you need 24 hours a day at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
Call 1-800-273-8255

Suicide is not the answer. But finding someone else to take over your mom’s finances is a good idea. You don’t mention if you have family members who could take over, but that’s one idea. I commiserate with your feelings about the job. I’ve always kept my own finances simple because I’m no business expert for sure. I hope you consider what alternatives are open for you and I’d tell the lawyer I’m not coping well and what help can he recommend?

tel:1-800-273-8255 that's the national suicide hotline.

Is your mom is crisis? Is she in a safe place? How about you?

Sterno. Talk to us. Suicide is not a good plan.

Tell us what is going on.

Can you call the national suicide hotline? Be back in a sec with number.