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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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Your profile says she is living in your home, at quite an advanced age, and you are feeling trapped. Consider it may be time for her to be cared for elsewhere, paid for exclusively by her own money, and/or by such services as she may qualify to receive. You sound, rightly, overwhelmed.
Keep meticulous financial records, and receipts, of anything and everything having to do with her, her money, and any of your money you may have involved.
I would show my mother her bank statements over and over saying she had lots of money, yet she would still tell everyone she could that I had stolen it all. The only one who believed that was an elderly relative who also suffered from dementia. Do things right and properly, keep records, and just roll your eyes and shake your head meaningfully around anyone she tells this sort of thing to. Sorry for it, but it’s about all you can do, as her finances are not something you should properly discuss with others (whether you are POA or not).
Accusations of theft are frequently a consequence of dementia. It's the brain's way of figuring out what happened to something that is misplaced or hidden.
I spent the first two years arguing with my mom when she accused me or others of stealing. Arguing and proving. Over and over. She would get super upset when I contradicted her. Finally I realized it doesn't matter. It's easier and quieter to change the subject, or take the blame and say "OH I'm sorry! I borrowed that pretty purse and I'll be sure to bring it back." (She enjoys fussing at me and that's fine.) Today, she said Margaret across the hall stole her extra hangers. I knew the laundry lady took the hangers to hang mom's clothes on when they come out of the dryer. But I said, "That Margaret is a piece of work! It's just like her to want everybody's hangers!" Mom agreed wholeheartedly and I told her I would get her some more hangers. Then I started talking about my cousin's new job. Mom was happy because she felt "seen".
Does your mother have dementia? Does she live with you, or you with her? Can you tell us why other family members believe your mother, knowing her as they do? Is she normally quite rational? Are you the ONLY person she accuses?
Get mother tested for dementia, then placed in Memory Care Assisted Living. Either that, or move her in with the family members who believe her accusations. Then you can call them and ask how it's going?
Unless your Mom has a history of mental illness, your Mom is displaying classic signs of mild to moderate dementia. My Mom went through this phase, as have the parents of untold numbers of adult children with declining parents.
You do not need to defend yourself. I'm assuming you live with her, hence why you are involved in the meetings with the social worker. You need to stop reacting to these accusations because you know they are coming from a broken mind.
Try and have a private conversation with the social worker to insist she get tested for a UTI and/or a cognitive exam by a primary doctor. Eventually your Mom will need more care that you will be willing/able to give her. She will need meds for her agitation and anxiety, which may lessen the paranoia. Even if she is no longer able to create a reasonable and coherent plan for her future care, you can't stick around and be a victim of her lack of planning or finances.
If you live with her, consider having a plan to leave at a moment's notice if her behavior crosses a line or you are just burning out. Hopefully you have your own income to support yourself. If not, YOU are the one who needs a solid plan.
Please educate yourself about dementia. I found Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to be very helpful. There are articles online and lots of books. Dementia robs people of their abilities to use reason and logic, their sense of empathy for others, their concept of time and space, causes them to become fearful and negative and often very mean. But you didn't cause this problem and you can't fix it. You can only decide how much of it you wish to continue to expose yourself to. This is called a boundary.
I wish you wisdom and success in working out solutions.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Keep meticulous financial records, and receipts, of anything and everything having to do with her, her money, and any of your money you may have involved.
I would show my mother her bank statements over and over saying she had lots of money, yet she would still tell everyone she could that I had stolen it all. The only one who believed that was an elderly relative who also suffered from dementia. Do things right and properly, keep records, and just roll your eyes and shake your head meaningfully around anyone she tells this sort of thing to. Sorry for it, but it’s about all you can do, as her finances are not something you should properly discuss with others (whether you are POA or not).
I spent the first two years arguing with my mom when she accused me or others of stealing. Arguing and proving. Over and over. She would get super upset when I contradicted her. Finally I realized it doesn't matter. It's easier and quieter to change the subject, or take the blame and say "OH I'm sorry! I borrowed that pretty purse and I'll be sure to bring it back." (She enjoys fussing at me and that's fine.)
Today, she said Margaret across the hall stole her extra hangers. I knew the laundry lady took the hangers to hang mom's clothes on when they come out of the dryer. But I said, "That Margaret is a piece of work! It's just like her to want everybody's hangers!" Mom agreed wholeheartedly and I told her I would get her some more hangers. Then I started talking about my cousin's new job. Mom was happy because she felt "seen".
Their brains really are in wonderland.
Does she live with you, or you with her?
Can you tell us why other family members believe your mother, knowing her as they do?
Is she normally quite rational?
Are you the ONLY person she accuses?
You do not need to defend yourself. I'm assuming you live with her, hence why you are involved in the meetings with the social worker. You need to stop reacting to these accusations because you know they are coming from a broken mind.
Try and have a private conversation with the social worker to insist she get tested for a UTI and/or a cognitive exam by a primary doctor. Eventually your Mom will need more care that you will be willing/able to give her. She will need meds for her agitation and anxiety, which may lessen the paranoia. Even if she is no longer able to create a reasonable and coherent plan for her future care, you can't stick around and be a victim of her lack of planning or finances.
If you live with her, consider having a plan to leave at a moment's notice if her behavior crosses a line or you are just burning out. Hopefully you have your own income to support yourself. If not, YOU are the one who needs a solid plan.
Please educate yourself about dementia. I found Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to be very helpful. There are articles online and lots of books. Dementia robs people of their abilities to use reason and logic, their sense of empathy for others, their concept of time and space, causes them to become fearful and negative and often very mean. But you didn't cause this problem and you can't fix it. You can only decide how much of it you wish to continue to expose yourself to. This is called a boundary.
I wish you wisdom and success in working out solutions.