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We came up a year ago to help my Dad live independently when my Mother passed away. We had no idea he was so lazy. We expected to be able to be able to do things with him, take him places and basically enjoy his company. He previously seemed like a great guy. My Mother did everything for him. He will now only shower himself and occasionally do a load of laundry. He has memory problems but part of that is because he watches TV all day. He will not participate in any of the old clubs he belonged to, will not exercise and does not want to. He has informed us of this. He is not depressed. He is a jerk. He emails/calls his friends but only talks about himself so they have stopped responding. My Mom did all the entertaining and kept up with their friends. He is fine with the way things are and lets us know about it often. We live in two bedrooms in the back of the home and he has the rest of it to himself. He is very self centered and most of the time only talks about himself. When we take him out to eat he is embarrassing because when a waiter asks us what we want he buts in and tells them he wants a drink and keeps reminding them of what he wants. We sold all of our furniture and quit our high paying jobs to take care of him, mistake!!!!!!!!!!! If we had insisted that he move down where we were it would have been better for us. At least we would have an equal say in things and could have kept close to our friends. Be careful if you move in with an aging parent. It can be devastating for you.

Weezy and Bill, talk about embarrassment about taking your dad out to eat. My dad used to raise his hand up to get the waitress's attention by sticking up his middle finger!!! But I was just a teenager and he was in his 50s. It never changed though my protests. Sometimes it's just PERSONALITY!
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Abandon hope all ye who enter!
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Weezy I feel for you! My father in law moved in with us about a year and a half ago. Big mistake! He ALWAYS played the victim! We were so down on my sister in law and mother in law for treating HIM badly that it was always oh “poor man” NOW we know it was HIM driving everyone else crazy!

Breakfast and coffee needs to be ready in the morning, has to have his banana at 11, (if we dont have bananas he eat something else and complains theres no bananas, he thinks having a banana every day is keeping him alive and if he doesnt have them he will die.) SMH RME 🙄then he goes for a walk at 1:00 and wants lunch on the table when he gets back around 2, dinner no later than 6 pm because he doesnt like to eat late.
Then he has no teeth and his partial doesnt fit but he wants to go to “THE BEST DENTIST because no one else will do a good job” The dentist he wants to go is an hour away and thats unacceptable when we have dentists around here.
Then he is VERY VERY VERY picky about the food he eats. Partially because some stuff he cant eat but mostly because he is a PITA! (Pain in the ass)
Then he insisted on going to the expensive part of town to have his eye done.
Its enough to drive me to drink!!
Hubby is kind of a free spirit when it comes to eating. We have never been on a routine schedule of eating so Im just stressed out and P.O. about this eating time thing!

Me and hubby were alone for 10 years before he moved in, we had our problems but I am so stressed out and I smoke like a train now that we are on the verge of divorce!

We will have to move him out kicking and screaming because hubby caters to him! Treats him like a king and gives him everything he wants (not necessarily needs) My FIL is VERY manipulating!
”Oh Im an old man, feel sorry for me, Im gonna die soon” Oh Brother! Give me a break! He is the healthiest 87 year old I have ever seen in my life!

My father in law moved in with US into OUR HOME and has changed everything with HIS DEMANDS!

I can see if we moved in with him and he wanted us to conform to his ways but he moved in with US!
How did this happen?
How did HE come into OUR HOME and change everything to fit HIS NEEDS? I just dont get it!
Im right there with you Weezy!
My whole life has changed!!
Think about it seriously people before you move them in with you!!
If I knew then what I know now, he would have NEVER EVER moved in with us!!
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Paul, my dad never tipped anyone more than a dollar (in NYC). My brother spent YEARS handing out $20s to parking valets out of dad's sight.

You need to adjust, Paul. Hes not going to change.
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Paul, explain to me why you couldn't pay by card, including the service charge, and let your Dad enjoy tipping the waitress an extra quid.

You found the experience so embarrassing. Why did it even have to be an issue? All you had to do was not talk about it.
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I can relate to the eating out thing. I dread to take my Dad out.

Hes got an idea in his head that a tip should be £1 TOTAL. And he won't leave it on the table. Hes got the idea that it'll get stolen so he will literally follow a waitress around to press a pound coin into her hand.

Last time we went out and I paid and said "look I'll sort the tip and pay by card". 10% is generally the thing in the UK. He went mad in the restaurant, saying I wasted money, needed to be more responsible etc and to tip someone £5 (which was 10%) was crazy. It was SO embarrassing.
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Is the medical history on your profile page correct? Your father has Alzheimer's, heart disease, Parkinson's, hearing loss, and arthritis?

I'm guessing it's you who are 56, rather than that he is - how old is he?
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JoAnn29, I thought about doing just that, but my mother has put on a real sad story with her granddaughter (my daughter) and her family that I abandoned her during the move here and she "lost so much" so they aren't talking to me. My daughter and her family are the ones that invited her to the last place they lived for 3 months (my mother had an apartment nearby), and as I said, it went so badly they nor my mother talked for a year after. I'm afraid they won't listen and have to experience it again themselves.

I was lucky she changed her mind, compared to these poor people who gave up so much, but I lost a relationship with my daughter for now which is sad. From reading all these stories it seems to unfortunately be so common.

For weezytd, I recommend giving dad the choice to have his own apartment with a visiting nurse care, check with a church or social services, or that he go in a retirement community. They need their lives back. I have a customer who is in her apartment and has a nurse come in like I described, and she's very happy and well cared for.
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My Dad also mainly thinks of himself, like when having a conversation. I can relate with the eating out, and reminding the waiter.
I'm worried about upsetting the waiter. But now the waiter says I'll bring the.....
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May you find a good solution
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Fell for that, have family members warned granddaughter? I would not want this woman near me with children involved.
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My mother is very manipulative and tries to turn family members against each other. If you have an impaired, but loving and kind elderly parent, then it may work with strategies. But I have witnessed seniors happy in their homes with a visiting daily nurse and maids and others that come by and help and check on them. They can stay home and be independent and go out with friends and family. I think that's best for everyone. Here is my experience:

I fell into the trap (one of many) of wanting to help my mother; after 3 years of inviting her to live with me, she finally accepted, and there ensued the most intense (and happy) few months researching suitable living quarters for the both of us, talking to senior centers, researching transportation companies, and ways she could have an enjoyable and non-isolated life here. And in turn, I became the apple of her eye, which felt like pure love. When the time to secure the move arrived, she demanded to pull our rental application and deposit, the next day was 100% into the arrangement, then the next talking about retirement communities she looked at in her home town (!) - while the rental application was in! She became indignant, bossy, controling, did not follow instructions of rental agents who said her demands were unrealistic, and complained about the rent. I asked her to slow down in downsizing her things. She didn't listen. Nothing pleased her. At the very last minute she told me our plans were contrary to her desired lifestyle and she would stay in her apartment in her hometown. I accepted her changing her mind, what I didn't know is that she told everyone that I abandoned her during the process, which I discovered after when I was included on a reply to her from the rental agent I was copied on - to my shock - and she vilified me to her friends and my family and never called me again (over a year ago). She never thanked me for my efforts. I caused her to lose no money except the $80 rental application fee she offered to pay since she pulled out, but cried later that she lost money due to selling her furniture, etc. My friends asked me after why in the world did I agree to do that, and that it was good it turned out this way because I dodged a bullet.

My family members were not surprised and reminded me that she did the same thing to them after my father died. They spent 6 weeks researching and touring retirement homes near them looking for just want she wanted. In the end, she rejected them all and moved 90 minutes away from us both to another place. She never thanked them. She cried and was miserable all year in her new place, lost $6,000 move in fee, $10,000 moving costs, and 1 year rental payments of $3500ea. She moved out on the 1 year anniversary and moved back to her hometown and old apt complex where she said she wanted to stay the rest of her life with her friends.

Now, after no phone calls for a year since she changed her mind to move in with me, she announced she is moving in with her granddaughter and her son-in-law and children in a mountain town that is frigid cold and icy and snowy most of the year. Mind you, she moved near them in another place for a visit for 3 months a few years ago and the visit went so badly neither spoke for a year after her return. They said she was unpleasant, unappreciative and impossible to please. Now they, as the rest of us did, want to be helpful and are going to move her into their house until she can rent an apt - rents are double there what she'd have paid here. She has charmed them as she charmed us to get what she wants; to live with her granddaughter. If she can't find an apt., she plans to move to a retirement/assisted living care facility 3 hours from them if she can't find an apt. - states away from any other family members. They have bought tickets to help her move, she's selling and moving her stuff.
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First, I loved my Dad but...he was a self centered man and always was. My Mom waited on him hand and foot to the point she drew his bath water. I swore I would never bring him in my home to care for him. He would go to a NH. Which really, he would have probably enjoyed. New people to tell his old stories to. Unless it was my DH, I would not care for a man.

When I married DH in our early 30s he was making good money. Before this job, though he never made much. He made the statement one time that if we had married younger we could have lived with his parents and saved our money for a house. I told him, nope, we just wouldn't havs married then. Two women cannot live in the same house especially when the house is one of the women's. His parents was a 2 bedroom bungalow. One bath, livingroom, dining room and kitchen. We would have had no privacy.

Should never move in with them. Hard to set boundries. Better they move in with you, you can set boundries then.
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Hi There. I drove 3 hours each way every week to help my parents before my Mom died. She told me my Father did nothing before she died. I should have paid attention. We can’t go back to where we came from. It’s really expensive and we can’t get back into it places with great rent. Your right about the resentments. My Dad does not care. I have a friend that is going to heave her daughter and family move in with her. She is moving into the back room and making space for their things she also is signing a contract with them of what’s expected. I did not think my Dad was this way before. His personality has changed. I think it’s part frontal lobe and part assho$!
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Copying this part of Gershuns post. It should be a sticky because so true.

I think your post is a good wake-up call for people who may be considering moving in to help their parents. Perhaps people who are considering this should write out a contract, get their parent to sign it and get it notarized, with stipulations and agreements about what is and isn't acceptable behavior.
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You have gotten yourself into a pickle. As hard as it might be you really need to change things around and take back your life. Dad has a couple of choices, he can stay where he is and live alone or he can find a nice IL or AL situation. You and your significant other need to move out and back into a place of your own. It's up to the two of you whether that should be where you used to live or closer to your dad where you are now but remember if you move back to where you used to live Dad has the option of moving to that area if he wants to be near you, especially if he doesn't have an interest in the social network he and your mom established there nothing is really keeping him in the area. The way he is behaving it shouldn't matter what state/area he lives in so it's up to him if he wants to be close to you or other family if there is any. But you can't allow him to hold you hostage, whether he is doing it knowingly and on purpose or not why wouldn't he be content with the current situation? That doesn't mean you need to provide it, as long as you aren't dumping him and remain active in helping him with the life and medical things he NEEDS help with there is nothing for you to feel guilty or responsible for and besides, you are headed down an awful path of resentment and anger that will only get worse and that's not the way you want to remember your time with your dad, nor is it good for him, he may not recognize it but you will be doing the best thing for him too by not enabling his behavior. Good luck and be strong.
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I think your post is a good wake-up call for people who may be considering moving in to help their parents. Perhaps people who are considering this should write out a contract, get their parent to sign it and get it notarized, with stipulations and agreements about what is and isn't acceptable behavior. I was fortunate to have a very independent mom who didn't want to be a burden to anyone. In fact I wish she would have asked for help cause by the time it became apparent she needed help she was already too far gone to be rehabilitated.

Your Father was probably always like this. I've known people who seem like Mr. Wonderful and as soon as they are back in their personal space become real you know whats.
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Did you visit parents frequently so you could get an idea of what a jerk dad is? Could you have done this on a FMLA basis, rather than give up jobs, home, etc.?  Bet he thinks some woman is always supposed to be taking care of him.
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We work but at lower paying jobs now.
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