It can become a dependency to complain.

Personally, I found myself going to this site too much.

I am a strong person, with many life lessons learned.

So, I decided to stay away a lot more.

Upon a revisit, I could see, sad, begets anger, begets perpetual cycles.

Stop the insanity.

You cannot change the elderly.

You CAN, put yourself first.




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If all u you can see here is sorrow, anger, & complaining, you do need a break....maybe
until ur mental state is stronger, or you have processed grief more.
(We each take our breaks when needed).
But much good is done here, & what I see is: lots of great people helping each other selflessly, lots of encouragement, kindness, & sympathy.
(I recall one poster saying: "u see what u want to see")...I don't recall who it was, but that's very true IMO.

Your thoughts are well stated and insightful, but for me new to being a caregiver and having a L/O with dementia this forum has been a lifeline. To hear others have been through what I’m experiencing is giving me hope that I’ll make it through this journey.

At at this point I don’t know how to put myself first but my plan is to get there. In the meantime I’ll continue being a thankful participant of this community.

Well said, Arimethea33!

I went through stages of a process. For a few months, I fell into the martyr or victim of circumstance mentality. That happened due to having no Plan B for possible outcomes no one in the family expected. I finally got an "aha" moment and realized I can only change how I react and need to make changes for my sake. With all of my venting, I don't know how I kept the support of family and friends who saw me through.

There are pros and cons to taking a vacation from the forum. Use it when you need to. It does provide perspective and may speed up the process with ideas for you. Sometimes you need to get lost in your own thoughts and deal at your pace with what works for you. So many times I hear you need to put yourself first. How to accomplish that is a number of ways as there are people talking about it.

No, Arimethea;

You can't change the elderly. You have said that you are strong and that you try to pass this quality on to your mother, especially with regard to dealing with your brother.

This will not happen; trying to change the dynamic in someone else's relationship is simply not possible. You can only change your own behavior.

I stay because so many people come here asking "why can't I change my mother/father/sister/brother". Someone needs to tell them that they can't.

Wishing you well in all things.

You're right.

However, it is really important when dealing with illness/EOL issues/difficult situations that never seem to get better--that we have a sounding board to vent our feelings.

I am not the best at self awareness, and though I do see a therapist, this site has allowed me the space to be angry and ask questions and vent my frustrations.

I just don't dwell on it. Like how I look at Fakebook long enough to see new babies and wish people a happy birthday and then I don't even think about it for a day or more.

As long as you're not dwelling on the same scab and picking it to pieces 24/7...I think this site has been very helpful for many people.

And if you don't want to read or be involved--don't!

I'm sure that what you say is true of grief and sorrow and regret in all their forms.

I *hope* that for most forum members the idea of staying is to pass on what they have learned, in my case as a kind of way of compensating for all the things I got wrong!

Also I would miss everyone too much.

You're right, though - at some point, it must be time to forge ahead :)

I think you make some excellent points.
At least, they resonate with me.
As to complaints, think of the complaints of the food in assisted living places; another writer on the forum said it is requisite to complain about it; you can't live there if you don't. I think it just becomes "habit" to the seniors there.

My brother first became ill in February of this year; everything progressed with great rapidity and I was thrown into something I knew next to nothing about. I was frightened and anxious. I had thought myself calm, and indeed I AM when there is no "mess".
I came here to learn and I was GREATLY helped by those with knowledge of POA duties, and learned so many useful things. Greatly comforted.
But of late I have thought I am "steeping myself" in this world more than I should be. My life has become so much about my brother, about the changed relationship. I have now almost physically to direct myself back from it. To daily say to myself perhaps 10 times "This isn't about Dee today; this is YOUR day." because the thinking about it all becomes circular and non productive.
So I am of late a bit torn. Thinking I should move away from daily visits to the forum (several in fact) and from thinking I "have to comment on everything".
I am, in fact a bit addicted to be honest.
And I would say, for me, it has nothing to do with "negativity". I don't find a whole lot of it, truthfully. Oh, there are the warring siblings, and such. And there is a whole lot of burnout. But there is also tremendous support and knowledge. Some on this forum have been here for years. Their advice is beyond value.

You have given me food for thought. Ordinarily I would have suggested that what doesn't work for you, might work for others, and they are capable of making their own decisions. But at present you have channeled some thinking I have been doing about myself. And have given me new food for thought.
As far as looking for happy, I am not a believer much in that. I think life is full enough of both happiness and sadness. I mean, that's life. In my 77 years experience, anyway.

Sometimes sad, begets resolution - resolution begets healing.

Just saying...

But overall, I get your point.

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