Bathing the Elderly

Hi Pamela, when my father was staying at my brother's house, he just ignored any kind of "hygeine" tasks like having my dad take a bath. In effect, he left it to his wife, who was already running ragged trying to get two kids to take baths in the evening. My brother did on the weekend voluntarily give my dad a shave. When my dad started a bath, but couldn't get out on his own, his wife asked him to go in. He did and lifted him out. But afterwards, he didn't work on a long-term, regular solution. It's partly a guy thing, and tough to accept one's own father as needing such kind of help.

My MIL moved in with us about three months ago. Acually we purchased a new home with her needs in mind. But her hygiene is the worst I've ever seen. Not only does she not want to take shower...we will wear and sleep in the same clothes for days...probably weeks if we let her. She refuses to wash her hands, brush her teeth....She will use the same tissue to blow her nose, flatten it out and wipe her mouth. She will do this a the dinner table, that I cant stand to eat around her. If she has a bowl accident, she will put her underware in the snk, put her clothes back on and go to bed. I have told her she needs to take a shower or she is going to get sick. My husband has it so she has to atleast shower every other day. But my husband won't ask her not to blow her nose and then wipe her mouth at the dinner table. I found out this is the way she has always been . Changing her bedding I found snot tissues under her pillow (about 20) and more when I pulled the sheets off the bed. My son talked to her and told her he would only give her a tissue after she throws old one away. My son is the only one who can actually talk to her...he talks to her like she is a child. I have tried to get her to use bath sprays, powder and to make it shower fun, but she refuses me. Somedays she stinks so bad, i can't stand it. She sits in a rocker all day, smoking and watching TV. I can't get her to do anything, however I do make her fold her own clothes...she thinks I should. Not happening.

Thanks for letting me vent...

I have the same problem with my 97 year old father. He is quite mobile and is capable of showering and dressing himself. Even though there are clean clothes in his dresser he will wear the same clothes including underwear for a week if I don't remind him to change. sometimes I have to sneak into his room while he's asleep to grab the dirty clothes. He doesn't think he needs a shower more than once a week even though he smells really foul. When I tell him he needs a shower he makes some comment about wasting water and asks me why I'm so obsessed about showers.

dwestlake and everyone else the next time your parent ask you why you're obsessed about them showering, or bathing tell them because they smell like a FUNKY MONKEY! And let that be that!

**smacks hands up and down**

In between at home care visits from our at home care nurse, I would use adult wipes to freshen my step father up between bathing schedules. I found that the moist wipes were very handy and they are thick + disposable. They did not dry out his skin because they do not contain alcohol!
You can save trips to the store + money if you buy them in bulk!

In addition to the wipes, we would use the disposable wash cloths at times. This was good because it saved on wash loads and it was much more sanitary. The reason that I changed to disposable wash cloths was because at one time, an aide was just not cleaning up well after my stepfather was bathed.....she would leave the soiled washcloths in the bathroom and they were ruined :-( .
We also used these washcloths to absorb the occassional "accident" because they are so thick and DISPOSABLE!

I need some suggestions. I am going to be doing elder care for a local gentleman who needs assistance with showering.
How do I do this keeping his modesty and dignity in tact, as well as my own! We will be using a tub with a chair and hand held shower head. I have bathed women before but not men.
Not sure about his private parts, his tummy is rather large.
I would appreciate any suggestions! Thanks! Claudine

My mom used to do that in her early stages of dementia. She refused to take a bath. It was really hard to get her to do it but occasionally I'd help her take one, sometimes fighting with her but eventually she'd give in. You just have to encourage her to if not everyday, maybe every other day and try to assist her.

You can also get those hygiene sprays to help clean her skin. It's not the same but it helps. Maybe there's an underlying problem, does she have dementia ? I know that has a lot to do with the agitation and combativeness that comes along with anything that they feel they're losing control to.

Thanks for the discussion and posts. We moved my Dad here about 3 weeks ago, and he hasn't bathed since. He'll tell me he will, but when the aide shows up, he won't.

Not sure what I am going to do next. I really don't want to bathe him myself. (I'm a daughter ... just seems wrong to bathe Dad.)

I understand. Don't get discouraged when there's an embarassment issue w/ bathing
Here's a great site from Well Cornell Medical College that offers suggestions. It's called This Caring Home.
They tested and reviewed a bathing garment that deals with this issue. (Here's 2 links) The frst one gives advise on bathing and the other gives more details on the product. Here's the first one:
http://www.thiscaringhome.org/products/bathing-outfit.php
02-get-person-ready_2.aspx
And here's the link that shows the test results of the bathing accessory:
http://www.thiscaringhome.org/virtual_home/bathroom_7steps_
I used this with my mom and it helped both of us, and made undressing and bathing no big deal.That's because it covers the private areas only. Hope this helps.

HI Again,
Sorry I broke the link on my last email
Here's the complete link on showering from Well Cornel Medical College
http://www.thiscaringhome.org/virtual_home/bathroom_7steps_02-get-person-ready_2.aspx
From there you can learn more about the garment that protects dignity of the bather and the caregiver!
http://www.thiscaringhome.org/products/bathing-outfit.php
I wish you all the best on this journey. I cared for my mom for two years and this product made all the difference. I wish I had it for my dad, who died of Alzheimer's. God Bless!

I have the same problem with my Mom. She also has dementia and hates taking a bath or shower. I know that this sounds terrible but I had her smell her own underpants one day when she went to the bathroom and she agreed she needed a bath. She still doesn't like it but if I tell her she smells she gets it. Hope that might help a little, I know how hard it is for both of us. Jan

Lira, It sounds awful to talk to our parents this way, but sometimes the only way to get Mom to listen is to tell her she Stinks and will offend everyone else at daycare. She doesn't care if it offends me, but doesn't want to be embarrassed in front of her daycare ladies. If it take being rude to get them to clean up their act, then so be it!
I also have been told that the elderly have very dry, and sensitive skin, so a good washing up with a moisturizing soap every day, and a shower once a week is better for their skin. I found a very inexpensive Walmart brand body wash with Shea Butter and other moisturizers to keep the skin from drying out. It also smells really good. As for their clothes, you have to grab them when they are in bed for the night, otherwise they don't remember how many days they have been wearing them. Good luck!

Hi. This is my first post. I bribe my aunt at the first sign of resistance with a back rub promise AFTER she showers. Plus I never rush her. Thanks for this web site.

My mom has mild cognitive impairment. She is taking sponge baths, which is okay, but once a week I tell her she needs to take a bath. I wash her back and hair. So far, she hasn't resisted me. She will be moving into an assisted living facility so I don"t know how I am goiing to track her bat'hing.I know she feels better afterward, but she just does not feel she needs to take a bath.I also make sure since she lives with me now, her clothes are always clean. It is extra work, but I feel she needs it right now.
I am an aid and work with all types of clients. One gentlemen won't take a shower for his wife, but if we suggest it he does it. Whatever it takes, I guess. Check to see what options you have for getting a caregiver to come in and take care of this aspect for you. Call your doctor for suggestions on who to call. If he orders this, maybe the insurance will pay.Veterans can also receive care through the VA. Hope this helps.

What I do? Is take her into the room......Have a chair in there...in the shower. Let her sit down then strip her clothes off...Take a back brush put the soap on it....and start with her back....Then I hear ohhhh that feels so good....dry skin coming off...So Then we have to battle getting out...So I hand her the towel while I am getting her clothes moved around and tell her there dry your legs and feet...She does...And then dressing her is easy. but she loved lotion when she was "Okay" So I give her lotion to put on her too....The more you allow independence the more they will do for you. Not with you.....For you. But you have to make is sound like they are doing it for you........... Will you do this for me please? NOPE...MOm I need you too..okay? finally she will get up and do it.....Just all in the wording. Good luck..Let me know if this helps.....Hugs to you...SHaron

What worked for my mom was an accessory that covers the private body areas. (That gives dignity to the bathing experience) They work like flaps tha you can clean under. The organization Dignity Resource Council has them and even offers free or low-cost options if you cannot afford them.
Their website is dignityrc.org

I was not aware of this until recently that medicare (I'm in PA) will pay for a CNA to come and give my parents a bath. That is such a huge burden taken off of me. I had major problems getting my Mom to take a bath. She always thought she just took one and that is because of her dementia. With the CNA coming twice a week it created a routine for both Mom and Dad. Mom never argues and Dad very rarely. Good Luck!!

Thank you for your tips on bathing. I just realized I am taking the caregiving thing too seriously. It is too early in the game to worry about what is going to happen eventually(in regards to dementia)I will wear myself out before I really need to be cautious and deal with the harder aspects. One day at a time.

I really think the calendar thing might work. We have a 7 day calendar made of metal whiteboard. The days of the week are black and yellow. easy to see. We have another black and yellow sheet with "today is". We put any appts on the board and then move the today is sign. If you put showerday in one of the spaces (usually a non-busy day) then she might have a sense of time passing. My mom gets the hours mixed up so she will say I already had the shower but then I tell her the time and the time that she is supposed to have the shower and she is ok. This might work.

My heart goes out to all of you............I am in the same place you are and I am so glad I have finally found others who share the same problems. One yr ago my mother-in-law built a small home attached to our home (husband and I). Her former home was mouse-ridden and she was urinating everywhere but in the toilet and suffering numerous falls. We discovered she was drinking gin and wine to the point that she couldn't do anything but crawl around. This woman is now 86 yrs old! She still won't clean her home and we managed to get her into adult diapers but she WON'T bathe unless it turns into a huge fight. She smells terrible and would wear a soaked diaper for days if she could. When the house was built we had a handicapped tub put in for her. I wish now I had gone with my first instinct of a regular shower with a place for her to sit. I start conversations with her gently and soft-voiced but before you know it she is screaming obscenities and telling me I only want to inherit everything from her. She only has her little house which sits on our property and her will leaves it to my husband. If anyone has any suggestions on how to deal with her dementia and not bathing I would be so appreciative. I'm at my wit's end.

My 94 year old Mom only needs to bathe once a week and we've had many fights about it. I've used the fact that her mom taught her to bathe weekly and then the doctor said she must. I find that the best way to handle it is to stick with it. I've been cussed at (VERY unusual for my Mom) and she says she wants to die. I just remain calm and tell her that when God is ready for her, he will take her but that until then she must bathe once a week. I use the same tactic for the daily things: Depends, socks, clothes, etc. I've told her she is not allowed to leave her room until we change the clothes or bathe, whatever the issue, and I stay outside her door until she gives in. Biggest thing is to stay calm and assertive about it.

Good luck!

I tried the scheduling calendar and that didn't work. Part of my mother-in-law's "problem" is that she now cannot hold a thought over 30 seconds. So when she screams about bathing, I can sometimes steer her mind into thinking how good, clean and warm she will feel when she is done. The "house rule" was 1 bath a week, but she now sits and urinates in her depends instead of getting up and going to the bathroom, so more baths are needed. There is also the issue of skin breakdown that we have to watch for.

I do a a number of different things regarding bathing. First, every time I change my loved one's adult pull-ups, I clean her gently (with soft, soft baby diapers I bought over the Internet) with soap and water. So she is contstantly getting "mini" sponge baths a couple of times a day. When we exercise in bed before I transfer her out of bed, I then wash her upper body and under her arms (she's more flexible then). We usually do the excercises with some native american great music playing in the background and with her in the nude - so she is able to dry nicely before I get her dressed.

In the summer, I hooked our garden hose into our downstairs sink and was able to get hot water. I then transferred her into her wheelchair outside onto our deck (using the hoyer lift) and then brought the hoyer lift outside to transfer her again into the port-a-potty (whatever they are called). I then showered and shampooed her there! She loved it (as much as you can love something like that) because it was all warm water all over her and she could manage the hose and help. (I bought a big "head/hair" tub from a medical equipment company when we first got home so I could wash her hair in bed (before I came up with the outside idea).

Now that it is getting too cold outside to shower on the deck, I am able to give her a hot shower at a local facility that we go to for therapy. They have a private wheelchair-accessible bathroom there with a big flat workout mat/bed in it! (in addition to the big "gym" bathroom). Though it is a TON of work doing all the logistically of getting my mom naked and then back into the chair and then back onto the mat, etc. she is able to get a great shower there too.

Until I can earn enough money to have our home shower set up so I can wheel her in there, or until God has us win the lottery, or until Extreme Home Makeover comes to our home, these are the things I do to help my mom regarding bathing.

I am do blessed and so grateful for so many things in my life. I am so fortunate and so lucky to be able to be home with my mom 24/7! There is no other place I want to be (except in a beach house with her overlooking the ocean ~ another goal of mine!)

Then we can just bathe in the ocean!!!

Wow, Caregiver 101! That is awesome! I am very fortunate that my mom is still mobile and at this point I only have to "supervise" the bath. I have to be in there with her to remind her of each step but she handles it well with direction. At this point, I care for her feet and wash her hair. I'm ready for the next stage of needing to do it all but I will have to get someone in to teach me how to do it properly so that I make it a good experience for her.

Islandmz, have you read The 36 Hour Day? It dawns on me now that maybe the problem is knowing how? My mom has forgotten but with my supervision is able to do it. We have far fewer fights I think because she is no longer being told to do something that she doesn't know how to do.

As I posted earlier, Saturday was bath day, and when I took mom-in-law's meds to her yesterday evening I reminded her of that. Her side of the conversation immediately turned ugly and I thought...here we go again. I got up, repeated that I would be back in about an hour and left. When I got back her attitude had completely changed.......she followed me into the bathroom and the bath was actually a pleasant experience. It never ceases to amaze me how the demented mind works! I did discover that she has a decub starting which means cleansing more often and changing her depends more......she allowed me to medicate and cover it last night but who knows what today will bring? JollyJ I really believe you have hit on it.......I think my mom-in-law gets so frustrated because she doesn't remember how to do things and when I have helped her bathe I have noticed recently that she will just look at the soapy washcloth and last night asked what she was supposed to do with it.

I take care of my 91 year old father and he doesn't bathe as often as he should and really didn't seem to care. But after alot of discussion about it, it seems that not only is it hard for him to bathe and get himself clean(complains a bit of getting dizzy when he bends and twists to clean himself) but he doesn't want someone else to clean him. It's too personal he was thinking. But we found a great in-home care person to come in twice a week to give him a great sponge bath and rub him down with lotion and he is loving it. I just asked him to try it twice...and he agreed. NOW, he wouldn't be without it. I think trying the unknown and being dependent on someone is more horrible to them than stinking!!!

I think that we need to realize as we age our noses don't work as well. It is possible that our elders do not smell themselves. I don't mean this to be insulting to anyone but our elderly loved ones can become somewhat childlike not wanting to bath, not wanting to do what is best for them, for example taking their medications, drinking enough water, eating well . I would always encourage caregivers to be kind and gentle with their loved ones. Offer help, maybe your Grandfather will resent his Grandaughter bathing him, is their someone else or a home care person that can come into the home to help? Explore some of the other options available. A bath tub chair and hand held shower head is very helpful to prevent falls or accidents. If someone has arthritis it can be very hard to get in and out of the bathtub. Fear of falling is a common fear for elders. That can keep them from wanting to get into the tub. Also being naked and cold is another issue. Make sure the bathroom is warm the towels are warm and the envirnment is pleasant. take care, J

My dad when he took a shower used his feet to determine whether the water was too hot or not. Then we found that he had nerve damage in his feet. At first we started running the water for him and then we got faucets and hand held showers that are set to turn off the water if it gets hot. He seemed to be less reluctant to bath after that. You are right about the not being able to smell part. That is also why sometimes they dont eat. A Sense of smell stops things from being so bland and as they get older they cannot smell food so they really cannot taste it.

Bathing can make us all nuts! My suggestion:
Will just washing the stinky parts every day do the trick? Sometimes a full fledged bath is too overwhelming (too cold, fear of falling, chronic pain, embarrassment, etc) Some individuals with dementia experience the sensation of being wet as painful, washed as being raped, etc. I am the queen of the "wipe" - meaning I use baby wipes (or adult wipes), run them under hot water for a split second (gets some of the soap out and warms them up) and away we wipe! No rinsing necessary either! Also, only undress the part of the body being washed and redress immediately. Dignity, comfort and clean! I have found this to work very well with my demented clients as well as many other seniors over the years.