Back to the black hole of despair.


I started to crawl out of the black hole and I've been getting better the past couple of months. An old friend came in from out of town for the weekend and we had a great visit.

My mother is mostly always in bed now, coming to the end of her life. A week ago I took my muscle/helper guy to the NH to install "shepherd's crook" outside her window carrying a bird feeder and basket of flowers.

This afternoon I got a call from the NH director that it had to go as the lawn tractor couldn't get around it - ever heard of a weed whacker sunshine? They would put it in a distant flower bed where she could see it ... if in her wheelchair and at the window (with binoculars?) Somehow he was asking my permission to relocate it. I asked "Do I have a choice/". Umm, nope ... so why in freaking hell are you calling me when you'll do as you please anyway?

By the way, this is a family owned operation and I suspect his sibs dumped it on him. In 18 months I've never seen him interact with the residents. His office is by the back door which he slithers out of into his $70,000 truck whenever it suits him - just a spoiled little rich boy.

My mother and I have never been close., in fact she's been a mean, manipulative, evil narcissist life long who I've avoided. Only cared for her for 4 years out of duty, but I will get on my hind legs and spit fire to defend anything that can't help itself.

In her condition, the loss of the bird feeder and flowers will devastate my mother. I could report the "abuse" to the government and I could get the media involved, but to what end? It won't do any good. Shut up and shell out a huge wad of cash each month seems to be all there is.

I smoke and I like a drink or two. With any luck I`ll go the way my grandmother did - 84,and dropped dead with a massive stroke. Dead by the time she hit the floor. What a way to go! I was up at 5 a.m. and it`s now midnight but I`m too rattled to sleep. Back to the black hole.

What to do. Go down there tomorrow, deal with my mother`s upset, grab this a$$hole by the shorts and make him tell her why she can`t have the last bit of pleasure before she dies or just stew. Tomorrow I have to go into the city and I have a bathroom reno going on for the rest of the week.

Leave it go or go down there with guns blazing. I`m so fraught tonight, back in the old black hole.

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Visited today and, because of the style of window, the window feeder won't work. Spent about an hour listening (and giving it right back - I no longer tolerate her cr*p) to the usual, "This place is a dump (not), the food is terrible (the 4 years I cared for you I spent hours cooking every day, stuff you liked and just the way you liked it = spoiled rotten, the years before that you microwaved frozen, pre-made) You put me in this hole (nope, old age, parkinsons, many strokes and 2 broken hips put you here), In (former small city) there are 200 nursing homes (yeah, right) and I want to go look at them all and book a room (um, it doesn't work that way, you can barely sit up, let alone stand and you get sick going 5km down the road in the paratransit bus), Well I'll just go live in a fancy hotel (who's going to feed you, get you to the bathroom, clean you up, bathe you, do your laundry, see to your meds and care for you 24/7?) ... and so it went on, same old, same old {sigh}.

The good news: On the way back from gassing up the truck I bought organic strawberries to freeze from a local farm. The bad news: While I was out the wind started to howl and I drove home in a dust storm (I live out in the middle of fields) and I'd left all the house windows open Yiikes! Major cleaning tomorrow!. More good news/bad news: The shower I ordered and paid for still hasn't come in, now they promise next week but at least I'll have the balance of this week to myself.

Desperately hot and we're in for severe thunder storms. Window A/C going in the bedroom so me and my critters will go nap.

p.s. I have a bird feeder that attaches to a window and I'll ask but that will no doubt be denied as, horror of horrors, the window might get dirty.

A good sleep and I've calmed down. It's just the principle of the thing that something so simple that gives so much pleasure should be denied. Of course they won't go explain to her why they're moving it, just do it and I'll have to take the brunt of her upset and anger :(. I gave up with potted plants as they don't get watered.

Ash I feel your pain but I am afraid if you take the neuclar option it will be the beginging of a war that lasts till the end of Mum's lifeIf this NH is providing good care for Mum bite your lip and find an alternative. Talk to a nusery or florist to see if they can suggest an alternative. I like the idea of a bird feeder that sticks to the window. You can even get nest boxes with one way glass at the back so you can see a nest and watch the babies grow. Too late for this year but an idea for other caregivers or nursing home staff.
This is a stupid thoughtless minor fight and not worth harming your recover for. i know it is the principle og the thing but you really do come first here.

you just dont win them all , ash . thats what ive learned in the last couple of years . i got skint bad this week . a local lawman inquired about a couple of limestone steps . i left a message that they were 35 bucks each , custom cut , would have em in a week , call me if you dont want them . he never called . when they came in i called the guys wife who told me they found them somewhere much , much , much cheaper . thats a lie . hunks of limestone this big dont get cheaper than our price . they didnt buy any at all . they wanted someone to give the steps to them . im out 70 bucks . 7 hours of cutting firewoods at 10 bucks an hour . what am i going to do ? nothing . i should have made him prepay for them .
some battles arent worth the fight is what im saying . maybe find another enjoyment for mom . even if you could persuade these people its still too stressful on you . this is a serious subject with me right now . stressors could derail my hepc treartment . ive pushed them all away in the last 3 months from dropping a 750.00 concrete saw in a dumpster , staying away from a friend who annoys me , to last night i ditched google search engine . the frequently changing animated doodles were annoying , demeaning , and causing me stress .
youre at probably one of the lowest points in your life , itll take some strategy to survive it , sanity intact ..

And if that doesn't work, go in with guns blazing, and a reporter to record it!

We asked our mother's nursing home whether we could put a shepherd's crook outside her window carrying a bird feeder and basket of flowers. They said, yes, certainly, anything we liked. Before the weather was nice enough I saw the guy mow the area on a tractor. I thought oh-oh, how is going to do that with a crook in his way? But we put it up.

I don't know how the mowing is done, but it obviously is, and there are several other crooks outside of windows on that wing.

Mom is in a 1960s building. It is never going to make a magazine spread for beauty. But they really do seem to try to put residents' needs and feelings first. We are lucky.

Instead of going in with guns blazing, how about going in, with an appointment, to discuss how this conflict can be resolved to both parties satisfaction. For example, would they let you put hooks in the overhang and hang the feeder and plants from it? Could you get a bird feeder that fastens to the window?

You want to give your mother this small pleasure. They want to make life easy for the yard maintenance crew. Talk over with this director ideas for compromise.

How about a miniature potted garden that can be in her room? It was a hobby of mine years ago but I'm sure a greenhouse keeper could help you put one together.
The most interesting have small Bonzai tree's in them.
These don't have to be expensive.A container from a thrift shop, collected moss covered rocks, small tree (trimmed shrub or herb) .

I'd probably go over there guns blazing... but that's me. Caregiving makes you a bit crazy!!!

Here's an idea... ask them what day they have their yard cut, pay someone a few bucks to go weed whack it. I see NO reason why mom can't have something enjoyable to look at during her final time on earth.

Hugs sunshine... stay out of the dark and in the sun.

Here's hoping we all go out like Grandma! Bang. Done.

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