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I’m at my wits end with my mother she’s in the hospital she has pneumonia and the doctors want to talk to us before we send her to short term care for respiratory rehab. she’s stopped getting out of bed after she claimed that the nurses let her sit on the bedside toilet for 25 minutes, as it turns out she pressed the wrong button, now she’s stopped eating because she said she had a abscess on her gum, they gave her medication for that. Then she claimed that she couldn’t eat because the food won’t go down they checked her her pain pills go down fine so now they are using a feeding tube. Tonight I was just annoyed with her and told her “look if you don’t start eating and doing therapy you’re going to die! I don’t want you to die but is this seriously your plan after beating cancer?” she sat there and looked at me like I was speaking French and asked what was she doing, then blamed the doctors and nurses for the condition she’s in. By the end of the visit I had it and just walked out the hospital without caring that the nurses were looking at me because I told her she’s not doing one d*mn thing to help herself because the doctors have said she can turn her health around if she just puts in the effort. She’s always been stubborn could care less about my feelings and I’ve had it and now I feel guilty for going the tough love route with her but how else can I get through to her that I don’t want to lose her? Nothing seems to get through that melon head of hers

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If you can get inside the person's head ,that's a wonderful thing. All my best to you and your mom.
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hey ba...yup, i get it.....however, my mom is a 92 yr.old sourthern lady who's idea of a drink of water is a teaspoon, has never said the word"damn" but once in her life,and is always courteous and sweet.....she is my best freind and i hold her dear to my heart......she is not and has never been a mean or cruel person....i laughed when she said that....the next day, she was right back to her old self......i know its a touch of dehydration/dementia....mainly, i was trying to say...........ask your mom stuff.....don't assume you know how or what is going on in her mind.......thats how i sort out the days its sundowners time, or plain depression ........or dehydration issues.....talk with her ...not at her....... and i disagree...you can soothe some of the dementia issues........by routine and kindness and consistance....
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Porch, you remind me of a time when my very sweet husbsnd told his mother something just like that...ie, if you don't take care of yourself you'll wind up in the hospital. She had undiagnosed dementia...anyway, she told husbsnd that if he spoke to her like that again, she'd call aps on him for elder abuse. My husbsnd backed off and let his brothers take over. There's things you can't fi
x and dementia is one of them.
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this is hard.....i am a blunt person, and try hard tosee thru my moms eyes what she sees.....it really helps......put your emotions and anger aside for a moment, and calmly sit her down and say "mom, i love you and am worred about you...what can i do to help you?" then listen hard......its hard not to be angry cause they do twist us around.......my mom told me, when i said" you have to eat and force yourself to drink as much as you can,or you will have to go to the hospital"......she said "don't threaten me!"... i think she is feeling sad for whatever reason, and lonely.....put your feelings on hold and put yourself in her shoes and see if that helps..........i also think, you might havesome depression issues and dementia going on........both hard to diagnosis in old folks......YOU HAVE TO ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS.....of her!
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One person here told her parents she was hiring a laundress. It seemed to work.
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Chippy, at least you figured out QOL. I kept reading it over and over on this site. Drove me crazy. So, I Googled it... You're much smarter than me. You're not the only one who has this problem about strangers coming in the home and the parents refusing help. I just can't remember how they overcame it.
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Chippy, Welcome! Ask your question as a "new question" and you'll gets lots of good advice. Can you take your mom out for mother's day alone snd see if she's got any interest in changing her situation? Going to a doctor? Looking into household help?
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I am new here, and have been reading the comments. I really think I found the right place. I am a 56 yr old with a 77 yr old mother. I love this lady with all my heart! Tomorrow being Mother's Day this is really hard but... I need to start some where so here I am. I am at my wits end. My mom was diagnosed with depression many yrs ago. Dementia seems to be in the family genes. Anyway she was a go getter church every Sunday. Always thinking what she could do for others. But she has been slowing down the past 5 yrs. this is really hard. ...she has been with a man in her life for the past 35 yrs but not married. Living together. He is 80 and not well. They do not communicate any more just yell at each other. Ok anyway what brought me to this site is they will not let any one out side of family help them. No one! No one can come to the house to help. The conversation has been brought outa y times over the past 3 yrs. so they know how we feel. I need help because I can't deal with this the way it is going. How do I get past that they will not except help and have a better quality of life. Haha I just figured out QOL. Please help me help her.
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ExhaustedinSC I'm sending strength, courage and positive energy your way. I'm sorry for the loss of your mom.
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'twas a joke Shaking...just a joke.
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SC, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It sounds like you did all you could to be there for your Mom and I know she knows that. I will keep you both in my prayers..
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I'm sorry to hear that your mom passed away. Hugs and prayers. My moms sister thinks I'm not part of the family because I too am adopted. I told her to get over it.
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Exhausted...I'm so sorry. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there.
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hey Shaking... are any of those people living there single men in dire need of a 45 year old sugar baby? cuz I could really use a vacation...just sayin.
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Exhausted so sorry... You did the right thing..She is proud.
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SC, I'm so sorry. :::: As for you being adopted, so what? Your mom chose you to be in her life. You didn't choose her. I guess her family never accepted that. I've seen one of my siblings treat another sibling's girlfriend's girls as if they were not part of the family. All because they are not of my brother's blood. His girlfriend and her 2 daughters were part of the package. And my brother accepted the whole package. Other sibling did not. Do what you need to do with your mom IF her siblings would even include it. And if they don't, know that you did your best with your mom.
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SC, I am so sorry for your loss.
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So sorry you lost her so soon...and as an adoptive mom myself, I cannot begin to get over the sheer ignorance of people who think biology trumps love and caring in terms of making someone "family"!
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She passed away on Sunday so now I get to deal with family drama which is fun I had my grandmother say to a doctor that at aunt had no say in removing her from the ventilator, then had a aunt tell me i was wrong to tell my grandmother that wasn't a nice thing to say, then another aunt told me "you weren't her biological daughter so your opinion doesn't count so stay out of it". I was with her for 32 years after her sister ditched me, cared for her through cancer and copd while they just said there talking about what they were gonna do. they started rewriting history Saturday when the doctor said the end could happen any moment. so I'm pretty much on my own and I saw after that I may need to just put some distance between myself and them. oi vey family!
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Exhausted... sorry to hear Mom went to ICU. She absolutely sounds like she has dementia and that blank look is likely an indication that what you are trying to do, which is to reason with simple cause and effect statements, is going over her head. She could not troubleshoot that she had pressed the wrong button to get help, she does not see that it makes no sense to be unable to eat but able to swallow pills. She may not have a deliberate plan to throw her life away and blow you off in your concern for her, but she isn't doing what she "should" because she does not understand the reason to do anything that is uncomfortable or unpleasant anymore and just makes bad decisions based on what seems like the easiest thing to do at the moment. She may in fact be having some trouble coordinating oral motor chewing and swallowing functions and if she is not feeling super hungry it is just easier not to eat. If she was weak on empathy before, I can guarantee she now has no clue at all why you are even getting upset, seriously.

Same things happened with my mom - a couple nurses thought she was resisting or not cooperating, when really she had retropulsion due to Parkinson's and was (rightfully) afraid of falling. I thought she was stubborn because she never put her hearing aids in, though she would wear them and be able to converse better when I'd put them in, and finally an OT told me it was not a good goal for her to learn to do she would not be able to sequence and perfrom all the steps in the process. I could not get the staff to do it; I think she would say she did not need them or they did not work, because they really just make it easier for you to hear, nothing is super dramatic about it, and she assumed that people were just bad mumblers. She did not want to die, she wanted to go back to living on her own, which she would do if only she could walk (not really the case, but that's another story) but PT was scary and hard because she was so weak, and she rarely did much with it. We got back to walking a few steps with a walker but never back to car transfers. She'd wave her hands a little and think it was full participation in an exercise session. But when she was passing, I told her she'd done the best she could, and I know from her point of view it was absolutely true.
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the hospital called at 9am said that she started to aspirate this morning so they put her in ICU, she still doesn't see a problem and says she's trying but I don't know. they said she was fine last night I've noticed that when they say they are going to discharge her she starts having health problems.
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She'll keep playing you like a yo-yo until you put your foot down. Her behavior is typical of manipulative people used to calling all the shots. Just let her know she's not going home until she complies with the doctor's orders and gets better.
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I don't know if there is anything we can do about the qol issues for other people. People usually make their own qol unless something physically or mentally keeps them from doing it. If someone is going to be unhappy, we can send in the clowns and put up a carousel in the middle of the living room. They will still be unhappy. We can take them places and provide opportunities for enjoyment, but it doesn't work.

I've wondered if some people have a broken pleasure center in their brain. I have a friend whose son killed himself 2-3 years ago. He was a wonderful boy, but he said he could never feel happy no matter how he tried. Nothing brought him pleasure. He lived in misery that he could not shake. With him I do think the pleasure center in his brain was faulty. He had a wonderful mother and life on the outside.

Unhappiness among elders is so common. When we discuss it with people, we often get advice about what we should do to make their lives better. We can end up feeling like we're not doing enough to keep them happy. Sometimes we need to face the facts -- if antidepressants and activities don't work, then maybe there's nothing we can do. With my mother there are three things that bring her pleasure -- TV, sweets, and salty things. Going places can give her a very temporary boost, but it doesn't last. Her antidepressant isn't doing anything. She's diabetic and a little overweight, so sitting and watching TV while eating sweet or salty things isn't good for her. But what can you do? I have no answers other than telling myself that it isn't my fault.
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ExhaustedinSC You're not alone! I would have said the same thing o my Mom. She needs to eat to survive. Reassure her you care for her and want her to be happy. Hugs..
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id suggest taking a look at the elders QOL. so much is lost they may lack a reason to go on.
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Has she been diagnosed with dementia?
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