I am the only adopted child of a mother who's view of children was always they should "be seen and not heard". She always gets what she wants, and I'm convinced she just bought a kid because her friends had them and she couldn't. She had no use for me other than child labor, as long as she had a man. She's been through 3 now, and at age 80, says I'm "all she has left" like I'm the consolation prize or something. She wants to be up my behind now 24/7...something I can't deal with. My husband and I have rearranged our lives 4 or 5 times now since 2007 to help her, and it never works out. The latest "crisis" came when she ended up in the hospital last fall and a caseworker cornered my husband and I to tell us she "couldn't be alone anymore" at her current residence. Since they gave us no other options and we felt guilty, we told her she could come live with us but we needed time to pack all her stuff (she hoards) and rent a U-Haul. The lady said no problem-we're sending her to rehab for 2 weeks. The next day as I'm packing all mother's stuff, we get a call saying mother is being discharged from the hospital because insurance denied the rehab. I begged for one more day. My husband and I pulled an all-nighter to get her stuff loaded, brought to our house in a neighboring state, and unpacked/setup for her. We did all the labor ourselves.
While she was with us, I had to move all her accounts, obtain new doctors, change her insurance to our state, etc, but she repaid me by telling her friends that I was "mean, wouldn't let her drive (that was dr.'s orders!), and she's forced to stay in her room", which was NOT true at all. She was out in our space from sunup til we went to bed at night! Home health was coming but she didn't like the people. She complained that her old senior center was "boring" so I drove her to ours twice to get a tour and schedule of events, which was a lot of activities, but she refused to go. She wrote a suicide note and when I took her to the hospital she talked her way back home the next day. Every time she made a suicidal comment I'd call her doctors, her outpatient psych place, the home health, anybody who'd listen to try to get some help. But every time I was met with, "Well...if she doesn't tell us she's going to hurt herself, there's nothing we can do."
After all that, she got mad at me for trying to get help and went behind our backs and signed a lease on a dumpy apartment back in the place we just moved her from. So we had to get another truck and move her again! Since she's been back, I have people calling me all the time about how "depressed and lonely" she is. We go back and forth every weekend to check on her. She now wants to come back here and because we told her no, she's stepping up her game by scheduling medical procedures that require someone be with her 24/7 until she's mobile again. Upcoming is a knee replacement. I cannot go until the weekends because when she was living with us, I sold my older model vehicle so she could have the garage space, plus I was using her car to take her to doctors etc while she was here. I also gave up a job to take care of her. But when she moved back, I'm stuck now with no transportation or job (while she keeps driving against doctor's orders). Of course she's mad because I can't come and told the doctor when he asked about post-op arrangements, that she was coming back to live with us! I called the doctor and told him no, she wasn't. I told him she would be going back to her apartment alone, and did they have anywhere they could send her for rehab after until she was able to return home. He said yes. When I told her this, she got mad and said "I don't know about that! I can't keep doing all this stuff because it's putting me in a higher insurance tier and then I'll have to start paying out of my own pocket and I'm not going to have any money left!" And as soon as we hung up, she called both her insurance and the doctor (I do her bills so I saw the call log) to sabotage my efforts again at getting her the care she needs.
I'm at my wits end. She cannot handle living alone, but she refuses to go back to assisted living where she was once. She has money to go for 2-4 years, but says she "can't afford it". Even if she agrees finally, what happens when her money runs out? I've tried calling her social worker for help and advice but he doesn't return my calls. She refuses psych care-her doctor tried to set her up with outpatient again but she won't go. Insurance always denies attempts at getting her somewhere for a week or so. I try and try to get help yet all the while her "friends" keep calling me and expecting us to move her back in here and she reinforces their beliefs that we do nothing for her with her lies and complaints. She wants attention constantly, is manipulative, and is the neediest person I've ever met. I give all I can but it's never good enough. I'm slap wore out, depressed myself, and hopeless about having any kind of life for myself. Sorry this has been so long; guess I needed to vent. Thanks to any out there who have read this and can offer any advice. smiley