Asking siblings to help financially when they won't help emotionally or physically.

We took over my mom in laws bills and found she had bad checks out every where, had not paid for medicines, so tyhey were cutting her off, she had just moved to as AL center that was $3,000 a month...we were in a big mess (She has parkinson, diabetes, and now dementia)..we asked (begged for help)...I am proud to say all the grandkids helped with what they could afford. Her daughter and son in law, did not give anything and wanted to make sure they got what they wanted out of her small 1 bed room apt. It is sad when your own children do not care. My husband and I are her caregivers, take her shopping, out to eat, every dr appt, eye appt, hospital stay etc. We lost our home trying to help her out and I am disabled with many medical bills myself. I don't know what the answer is, when you get no help at all. We did get the financial taken care of, but as far as any help with her care, needs, etc...nobody wants to be around her ..she is quite mean and demanding. It is left to us, so with boundries, we are handling things ok. She calls all the time, but I do not have to answer the phone, the machine takes it and if there is an emergency, I willbe notified by the staff. I did ask for some financial help woith her AL, and thankfully got help through the Sunday Fund. WEe have to watch her money close and make sure she does not get hold of magazines that you can call and get things...she ordered $200 in clothes, and when they came in, she thought someone sent her a gift...until we got the bill. Being a caregiver is hard enough, so if you can get help of any kind, feel blessed. Praying for you all who are taking care of loved ones..

I suggest a meeting, somewhat formal, with siblings asking if they can and/or will help. There are many ways to help, but sometimes those of us who tend toward caregiving see issues before others. Some never see it, so they have to be told, maybe even shown proof. Even then some might not help, but at least they are informed and know the choice they are making. Involve your siblings even if they don't volunteer. You never know when they will change their perspective.

Noleslover, try to get what information you can about your friend's situation for everyone situation is different. That way you will know more deeply about the situation n you will be able to ask more specific questions as much as possible. Then you may be able to help your friend with some helpful information. Dementia is not clear cut and neither is the background history of family situations. You are a great friend for taking your time to come on this website to find what information you can for your friend but we need more information to help a little better before as you said, "Before this spins out of control." Good luck and for being a loyal friend.

Before this spins out of control, I will see my friend on Friday and ask all the pertinent questions.

Jeanne Gibbs hit it on the head again. All good questions Jeanne, and not enough info. I am surprised that you say the brother will definitely help financially since he is not helping in any other way. Not usually the scenario. If I were your friend, I would tell Mom that she needs to start calling the other brother, because "I don't have the time today.Sorry, Mom, luv u, but I can't help you right now" It's very hard to do, I know. I've been there. But your friend is enabling Mom by continuing to help her with no support. Mom won't die and Mom might start to understand that she needs more help than she has.

The person that said have an attorney send the brother a letter is not knowledgeable in this area: i.e. sibling issues. Hiring an attorney in this situation is only wasting your friend's money, which he doesn't have. There's no legal issue here and if the brother and wife are attorney's themselves, they'll only laugh at that measure.
-SS

Accuse me of being over emotional, but when you're parent is down, isn't right that you assist in helping them up? Did they not give up a few things to teach you how to move forward in life? Shouldn't we assist them, as a thank you, in their last days? I know my mother did in fact give of a great deal for my sister and I. So, while I agree with there being a budget statement presented, the kids just should pitch in without question. But it would take an ideal world for that to be the case I suppose.

be as specific as possible in your requests. Perhaps present a budget that includes the parents pension amount and other details. My brothers have no idea how big my mothers pension check is. They have no idea what it will take to keep this house up or to hire someone to be in the home while I live the essential parts of my life out side of the home. To that end I prepare a budget and a budget statement about every 4 months just to let them know how we are doing. My brother has a role in her estate so he has some say and I do not want him to be caught off guard when I need extra money for help or a new washer.

Noleslover, nothing about dementia is ever cut and dried. I don't think that's what jeannegibbs meant. I've also seen other posts by her and I can honestly say she does in fact have a heart. Trust me, I know what it is to go in with my eyes closed and not have a clue, because I knew next to nothing about dementia when I started on my path as caregiver to my mother almost 10 years ago. I've given up a lot, but ironically (if you aren't counting pennies) I've gained a lot also. I think what jeannegibbs is asking is if the brother is willing to help and his wife and him have the income to do it with, why isn't your friend taking the steps necessary to make it happen? Ask and you shall receive pretty much. A lot of times, assuming pockets are deep enough, money is easier to provide than time and attention. Their father had something to do with both of them being brought into this world, both should be helping their father through the minefield of this awful disease. Your friend has no reason not to ask his brother for help and has every reason to ask. When one has the pockets, financial help is the easiest to provide. It means that they can contribute to the care without having to deal with the more difficult emotional baggage that comes along with caregiving. I only wish my sis could contribute SOMETHING. She doesn't even send gifts to our mother anymore. Sends a stupid e-card on holidays only. How lame is that?

Noleslover, huh? Have a heart? I think I do. But I don't understand why the transportation issue isn't cut-and-dried. Mom needs help getting Dad to appointments. I get that. Boy, do I get that! Friend wants to help. But Friend isn't retired or independtently wealthy. He can't take off work for every appointment and errand. And, working full time while caring for my husband with dementia, I sure get that, too. It would cause way more problems than it would solve for Friend to lose his job.

Soooo ... the solution is to arrange some other way for Mom to get Dad to appointments and to get errands done. Money isn't the answer to every problem, but in this case money can make a huge difference. Brother has money. The most sensible thing in the world (without knowing all the family dynamics) is to ask Brother to contribute some money. Maybe Brother won't. Then there are other avenues that need to be explored. But the first obvious step is to give Brother an opportunity to help in this way if he wants to.

Why is pointing that out heartless?

I think that Friend is very lucky to have you in his corner. When we find ourselves thrust into a caregiving role we aren't issued how-to manuals. It is scary and lonely and stressful. What is issued instead of the operator's manual we need is guilt. Sigh. If you can keep Friend from doing something disasterous like putting his job in jeopardy because of irrational guilt feelings you'll be doing an awesome service!

And of course his emotional ties and guilt feelings and fears can prevent him from seeking out the mundane objective solutions. Maybe you can help with some of that, being less hindered by the emotions.

Mom desperately needs support and reasurance and caring. She also needs help with transporation. Those are two very different requirements. Your friend can certainly provide emotional support even if he cannot personally do all the driving. That is the message you need to convince him of!

Noleslover,
it does not make any different in what you do, if the family will not help, they will not help. I been taking care of my mother for 3 yrs-I have a brother but he does not contribute nothing-I have been telling him for the pass six months what's is happening and it is just like I said nothing-he is going on with this life. Now a push has come to a shove, I have no other resource but to put my mother in a nursing home. Of course, my brother does not like that but what the hell-I am POA. He did not want to help now he does not need to help. Keep asking family members for help is full of _____. All you keep doing is bumping your head against the walls.I am not saying all family is the same, you might find 10% that will help out. If I sound bitter it is I am.When all of this started everyone in the world said that they will help but when time came they were not there. Even friends I thought were friends has turned their backs.My mother had a sister that was very sick and her daughter was losing so much time that they were thinking about letting her go but my mother went over there and stay for a month to help and now when I call my cousin for help, guess what? and she is retired so she does not have a good enough excuse . My aunt passed on.Yes, do what you have to do and let no one make you feel that you are not doing your best because I know that you are.

Jeanne, I don't know why my friend has not asked his brother to help. Maybe my friend has not even told his brother about the transportation problem. I am just frustrated for my friend because he is a novice in all of this and what the future will bring. I just want him to get things in motion now for his parents and I certainly do not want him to lose his job because he feels guilty about not being able to drop everything to take his dad to his appointments, grocery shopping, etc. You ake it sound like it is a cut and dried issue. It is not. There are feelings of fear, the unknown, worried that your husband is facing dementia. Have a heart.

Lol, a good kick might help if she lived in the same state. As it is, living several states away makes it easy for her to remove herself from the situation. She is my only family, aside from my mother and daughter and I'm unwilling to do anything to lose her even though it means I have to such it up. But, I did say in the beginning of this that what goes around comes around and it has indeed happened. The resentment I feel is less now, almost non-existent since she has had more added to her plate. Her husband has MS now and not too long ago she was diagnosed with something that, out of respect for her, I won't divulge.

Victoria, a very fast-long-swift kick in the iss!
Noleslover, Sometimes, we have to let the other family members know what we need for their parent too. It is a shame but being they don't stay connected of what is going on with their parent then we must remind them back to reality. However, sometimes that may not be any good but all they can say is they cannot help.

Asking is a start, but my question is how to motivate after you ask and they do agree to help, but then do nothing? My mom never made provisions for this kind of thing. She doesn't have life insurance and from the way it looks, I'll be the one holding the bag on paying for funeral expenses and whatnot. My full-time job is taking care of my mother. I don't even bring in $600 a month doing it and we wouldn't even be able to survive if I didn't live with my mother. To pay for life insurance as well? That's all I asked my sister to help with. It never got done and now I'm looking at a very hefty expense when the day comes that I have to lay my mother to rest. I very seriously doubt my sister will help with that bill either. She's loving yet extremely disconnected from this situation, as if she's nothing more than a distant friend. My mom is her mother too for pete's sake. I would love to know the type of kick in the pants my sis needs to get going on this with me.

If you are sure that Brother will help, then what is the problem? Mother gets some money for transportation from Brother. Mother calls a cab or a medical transportation service or hires your girlfriend. End of problem. If Brother is willing to help, why isn't he helping?

This is a very confusing issue.

My friend just has the one brother. Their mother does not drive. That is the problem. I told my friend that there are agencies that offer transportation to and from doctor's appointments, etc. My girlfriend offered to drive them but the mother was not warming up to that. There is no estrangement that I know of. The father was just diagnosed with dementia. I am sure my friend's brother will help. Just need him to call his brother! What is he waiting for? Don't know. It will only get worse. I need to ask more questions like is the father a veteran. How much money do they have of their own, etc.

If they physically won't help they rarely care enough to help out financially.In 7 years of caring for my folks my siblings and their offspring contributed zero.Most of the time their kids were calling me looking for money.None of them ever came to visit either (they all live locally).Their parents/grandparents would give you the shirt off their back and never missed a birthday or holiday for them.It is the way of the world today.Two thirds of caregivers I met during this journey were in the same boat.I burned through my parents savings quickly then used a good portion of my retirement savings.My dad passed but I took care of my mom for 5 more years and she finally ended up on Medicaid.I still needed to pay for private caregivers out of my pocket because the NH she ended up in at the end was like most of them - a total disaster and one step up from a death camp. Lucky for me I have a pension and am young enough to recover partially from the dump and run job from 'the family'. My dad has been gone 5.5 years and my mom 6 months and not one of them has even bothered to visit their graves.They didn't care in life so why should they care afterwards?My advise is to ask a few times and feel them out and if they stonewall you start talking with a elderlaw attorney and eldercare agencies so you can get all the help that is available from sources that have been put in place for your parents care.Try to keep them at home as long as possible but plan on spending some of your own savings.A elderlaw attorney will help you spend down their assets so they get the best care possible using their money first.Plan ahead and make sure your parents money goes towards their care and not into your siblings pockets.

Noleslover, to me the first bad guy in this scenario is Mother. Why is she calling only one son for help, and the one who can least afford to provide the help? Does she has some dementia, too?

Next, Brother sounds like a first-class jerk but I don't know the background. Does Brother know the situation? Has he been asked directly? Does Mother refuse his help? Was Brother abused growing up? Is there a terrible estrangement in the family?

So ... don't really know enough to hand out Bad Guy medals here, and that wouldn't help anyway.

The obvious first step is to lay out the picture for Brother and ask directly for money for some in-home help.

If that has already been tried (and I certainly hope it has), then Friend needs to behave as an only child. Fair? Goodness gracious no! But if that's the reality, deal with it.

Can Mom afford to simply hire transportation? Are there some assets that could be sold now to provide the extra services they now need? If not, research programs that Dad might be eligble for. One place to start is the Department of Aging or Agency on Aging or whatever it is called in Dad's state. Many on this site report they've gotten excellent advice from that source on what is available and how to go about arranging for it. When my husband developed dementia I called Social Services in our county. A trained and compassonate case worker came out and did a needs accessment. Her advice was to get Husband on Medicaid and Elderly Waiver programs, and in our case, to do that through an Elder Law attorney who could guide us through the complicted process of one spouse qualifying while the other will need income/assets to live on. The intake worker was also familiar with various charity efforts in our community and left me with information on a ton of resources available.

Even if Brother is turning his back on his elderly parents, our society does not. Friend needs to devote some effort to researching what is available.

If well-off Brother would rather see his parents on welfare than contribute to their well being himself, then my advice is don't wait around on Brother. Move forward with what must be done.

But very definitely Friend needs to protect his own means of earning a living.

To Noteslover, I was wondering why the mother is not calling her other children if she is able to call your friend. Perhaps your friend can explain to mother that she needs to spread the assistance requests around. Unless there is some estrangement, would the other children really refuse a direct request? If yes, perhaps friend should advise siblings of situation and what help is needed and tell them if they don't step up, since lone sibling can't address their needs, lone sibling will have to call the local authorities to prevent self neglect and when doing so, lone sibling will also give local authorities the other siblings contact information.

I would threaten to move out of state if they do not help. Somehow you have to have a serious meeting with them to map out a plan for financial and emotional support. I cannot believe all the families on this site who go through the same thing. What is wrong with these people? I wish there was a law in effect to avoid this very thing. The misery this causes for the sibling who is left in charge of every aspect of their parent's care is overwhelming. They all need a good swift kick in the pants. It would be too confusing to have your dad move from house to house every few months so you need to get financial help from your siblings. Please let me know how the meeting goes. We are all here for you. I am sure you will get other ideas on this site. Hugs

Have you actually asked for them to help financially and fully explained the situation pointing out to them the facts of your situation? If they are aware of the situation and are not offering to help you might try having an attorney send them a letter pointing out their "neglect" of thier parents. Since they are both attorneys maybe a letter of shame from an attorney might reach them on some level.

I am in the same situation as your friend except I left my job and my dad moved in.... We are selling everything to make ends meet. Siblings don't help or very rarely visit and no one lives more than 20 miles away! I am looking for answers as well.

I recently spoke with a young friend whose father has mild Alzheimer's and mother does not drive. He said his mother calls him constantly about taking her to various doctor's appointments and grocery shopping. My friend has just enough money to pay his own bills and does not have the kind of job that allows him to just take the time off for these appointments. However, his brother lives in Manhatten and along with his wife are attorneys. They make about $900,000 a year. Duh. I told my friend that he needs to tell his brother to make provisions to hire someone to take his parents to their appointments and grocery shopping so my friend does not lose his job. I told my friend that his father's life will only get worse and the problems for them will only increase in the future. I have a friend who is willing to take on the responsibility for him. Just have to figure out insurance and liability. If anyone else out there can do the same by getting their siblings involved at least financially, that would be a huge relief for them. That is the least they can do to help. I hope this helps in giving anyone an idea for bringing their siblings in the mix.