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The person that said have an attorney send the brother a letter is not knowledgeable in this area: i.e. sibling issues. Hiring an attorney in this situation is only wasting your friend's money, which he doesn't have. There's no legal issue here and if the brother and wife are attorney's themselves, they'll only laugh at that measure.
-SS
Soooo ... the solution is to arrange some other way for Mom to get Dad to appointments and to get errands done. Money isn't the answer to every problem, but in this case money can make a huge difference. Brother has money. The most sensible thing in the world (without knowing all the family dynamics) is to ask Brother to contribute some money. Maybe Brother won't. Then there are other avenues that need to be explored. But the first obvious step is to give Brother an opportunity to help in this way if he wants to.
Why is pointing that out heartless?
I think that Friend is very lucky to have you in his corner. When we find ourselves thrust into a caregiving role we aren't issued how-to manuals. It is scary and lonely and stressful. What is issued instead of the operator's manual we need is guilt. Sigh. If you can keep Friend from doing something disasterous like putting his job in jeopardy because of irrational guilt feelings you'll be doing an awesome service!
And of course his emotional ties and guilt feelings and fears can prevent him from seeking out the mundane objective solutions. Maybe you can help with some of that, being less hindered by the emotions.
Mom desperately needs support and reasurance and caring. She also needs help with transporation. Those are two very different requirements. Your friend can certainly provide emotional support even if he cannot personally do all the driving. That is the message you need to convince him of!
it does not make any different in what you do, if the family will not help, they will not help. I been taking care of my mother for 3 yrs-I have a brother but he does not contribute nothing-I have been telling him for the pass six months what's is happening and it is just like I said nothing-he is going on with this life. Now a push has come to a shove, I have no other resource but to put my mother in a nursing home. Of course, my brother does not like that but what the hell-I am POA. He did not want to help now he does not need to help. Keep asking family members for help is full of _____. All you keep doing is bumping your head against the walls.I am not saying all family is the same, you might find 10% that will help out. If I sound bitter it is I am.When all of this started everyone in the world said that they will help but when time came they were not there. Even friends I thought were friends has turned their backs.My mother had a sister that was very sick and her daughter was losing so much time that they were thinking about letting her go but my mother went over there and stay for a month to help and now when I call my cousin for help, guess what? and she is retired so she does not have a good enough excuse . My aunt passed on.Yes, do what you have to do and let no one make you feel that you are not doing your best because I know that you are.
Noleslover, Sometimes, we have to let the other family members know what we need for their parent too. It is a shame but being they don't stay connected of what is going on with their parent then we must remind them back to reality. However, sometimes that may not be any good but all they can say is they cannot help.
This is a very confusing issue.
Next, Brother sounds like a first-class jerk but I don't know the background. Does Brother know the situation? Has he been asked directly? Does Mother refuse his help? Was Brother abused growing up? Is there a terrible estrangement in the family?
So ... don't really know enough to hand out Bad Guy medals here, and that wouldn't help anyway.
The obvious first step is to lay out the picture for Brother and ask directly for money for some in-home help.
If that has already been tried (and I certainly hope it has), then Friend needs to behave as an only child. Fair? Goodness gracious no! But if that's the reality, deal with it.
Can Mom afford to simply hire transportation? Are there some assets that could be sold now to provide the extra services they now need? If not, research programs that Dad might be eligble for. One place to start is the Department of Aging or Agency on Aging or whatever it is called in Dad's state. Many on this site report they've gotten excellent advice from that source on what is available and how to go about arranging for it. When my husband developed dementia I called Social Services in our county. A trained and compassonate case worker came out and did a needs accessment. Her advice was to get Husband on Medicaid and Elderly Waiver programs, and in our case, to do that through an Elder Law attorney who could guide us through the complicted process of one spouse qualifying while the other will need income/assets to live on. The intake worker was also familiar with various charity efforts in our community and left me with information on a ton of resources available.
Even if Brother is turning his back on his elderly parents, our society does not. Friend needs to devote some effort to researching what is available.
If well-off Brother would rather see his parents on welfare than contribute to their well being himself, then my advice is don't wait around on Brother. Move forward with what must be done.
But very definitely Friend needs to protect his own means of earning a living.