I got a bit rough with mom today and feel terrible that I let myself get into this state. We were arguing back and forth and I thought I can't stand this any longer. I kind of shook her and we were nose to nose at one point. I know she forgets about these fights but I don't and I know I will be living with this long after she is gone.
Now of course that doesn't make any of what happened to your mother ok, or less dangerous for her general health, or less sloppy in terms of the doctor's attitude or the efforts to get a urine sample; but her actual suffering probably was not as awful as you think. Don't torture yourself about it. PLUS you did get on top of it, so well done.
I think Jessie's question is a good one, though - are there any options in your area with higher staffing levels and a bit more motivation?
Here are some things I have tried that help.
Fold your arms.
Physically, consciously, take a step back.
Say "stop!" aloud.
Hugging her instead (only once, but that one time it really saved the day).
I haven't tried this, but I've thought about it (haven't needed it recently) - wearing a stout rubber band on your wrist and snapping it.
These are just simple techniques that give you a temporary "pause" button and the split second you need not to act out your anger. I'm sure other people have lots of other methods too, but speaking as a quick-tempered person I've found those helpful. I'm lucky, I can still honestly say that I've never laid a finger on my mother, but believe me I am thinking "there but for the grace of God go I." I am not blaming you.
It's getting better now, and I'm able to work on not feeling so angry, recognising that it's frustration that's winding me up and not my mother doing it "on purpose" (?!), not raising my voice, not arguing, and learning to step away and relax. Give yourself time. You will get better at this job. Best of luck x
We are all pressure cookers looking for ways to let off steam. Another thing that works for me is..........going outside in the fresh air...pulling weeds - anything out there - for as long as it takes lol
Abuse is wrong. Period. No if's, ands, or buts. It is legally and morally wrong. If one feels that one is out of control for whatever reasons, one is no longer in a position to caregive.
I do like jb i will run out of the house and stay away if i have to go for a walk or scream to a friend. Dont get me wrong we have all feared wed do something under the stress BUT thats something you have to learn to control or else give up being the cargiver.
I have a feeling that since Janny felt so bad that she shook herself up by her actions. I get the feeling it won't happen again. Lots of good thoughts for you, Janny.
I know she's in premature grief, angry that shes losing her mother. She refuses to accept that mother can't be logical anymore or that mother isn't doing things to hurt her or be mean but because she's not functioning anymore. She is upset that she has lost mother in so many ways. Mom will never be able to tell her anything anymore, can't cook anymore, it's too late for all that.
and I understand that. I called her and told her not to give herself a hard time....it's been a long weekend and she'd not had any sleep.
basically what I am saying is, learn to forgive yourself. You're doing the best you can. You can't be perfect (but no physical stuff, ok?) Start over tomorrow and move on.
If I get really angry I simply avoid my mother. She is a difficult person who is beyond reasoning, so I get angry fairly often. I always feel bad if I show her my anger. It is better for both of us for me to get away to deal with it. There are weeds to be pulled and wood to be chopped. A brisk walk works wonders, too.
The dementia patient is not giving you a hard time,
The dementia patient is having a hard time....