As a spouse, am I unreasonable?


My husband's mother is making my life miserable. One day I went on a cleaning frenzy because I won't have peace until one of us dies and it's wrong to wish for another person's death and I didn't want to die with a messy house.

My husband's car broke down and he doesn't want to replace it just yet. He works close to home so he bought a bike. He laid out bike pieces to assemble it and his mother went into the hospital so now there are bike pieces all over the floor.

I had some medical items I needed in the trunk of my car. Not the best storage space, but I knew where they were. He took them out, so he could put his mother's walker in MY trunk, and now they're gone. I don't need them to stay alive, but I also don't want to pay $1000 to replace them, so I'll wait for insurance to pay for the next set and do without. It wouldn't bother me nearly as much if he'd removed MY things from MY trunk if he'd needed the trunk space for groceries or something for our kids, so I'm trying not to overreact.

She doesn't like other people doing her laundry. She's in rehab now, so she doesn't have the option to do her own, unlike at her ALF. Hubby told kids and me, "WE can do her laundry."

She has never liked me, probably because her son does. Example, when our daughter was born, she made a point of telling me, more than once that she bought her other granddaughters beautiful expensive dresses and, "I don't know why I didn't buy one for (my daughter)." That is not something you do to a woman with postpartum baby blues, EVER. I tried to hubby, it's her money she can spend it how she wants but she is NOT to throw it in my face. Then, when one of her other granddaughters (hubby's sister's child) was born: "I bought it (yeah, it) a $50 dress (mid '90s, lots of money) and $10 socks and $25 shoes and it just looks so pretty..." I finally got hubby to talk to her when our second child was born and he got it all distorted, "Moppsy doesn't like you talking about how much you spend on your other grandchildren, she'd really like it if you'd buy our kids something." Not. Even. Close. So, second child got an outfit from KMart, yes, KMart. She even called my mother to ask where she got a doll she gave my daughter so she could get one like it for her younger granddaughter (the one with the $50 dress). All that to say, she has never been a nice person, I am not picking on a poor old lady. I'm in my mid-fifties, she was in her late fifties when I first met her, she was just over 60 when my daughter was born, now she's in her 80s.

Several years ago, we moved away from our dysfunctional families, then when my father-in-law died, mil moved to be close to us. I understand, but I feel like she is taking over our lives. I told my husband in September that I wanted to go somewhere in December. Well, the date rolled around and his mother was in the hospital so we had to go see her, then he had to work on her finances so I went without him. Another time, we went to a nearby city for a romantic evening and she called him and told him she needed him to come over right away. He said we were about 2 hours away. "Where are you?" None of your business, lady! To be fair, she was delusional and she is better with a change of medication.

It just seems like every time we want to do something it's, "What about MOM?" We started going to an earlier church service to make it easier for her. She won't go shopping with groups from her ALF, so she'll call hubby and make him go to the store for her because she NEEDS something right now. He mentioned getting Amazon to auto-deliver things. "No, I don't WON'T (her pronunciation) to do that."

I get the impression nobody has ever stood up to her, probably another reason why she doesn't like me. She had poor father-in-law running hither and yon, getting things for her, doing all the cooking and cleaning...he told her not to get a dog, the next thing I knew, she had a dog. A dog which irritated father-in-law's lungs AND which he had to clean up after.

So, how do we find a balance?

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Thanks. I though you were talking about gardening tools. I'm in the middle of an early spring cleaning myself. So far, all I have done is wash and waxed the wooden furniture and saddled soaped and leather dressed the rest. Sooo much to still do.

100% polyester
Made in Egypt
Machine wash, cold
gentle cycle
Tumble dry, Low

Sheer Curtains.

It is called Spring cleaning here, and I don't want to die with a messy house either.
So I am trying, with all my energy that's left.

It is not unreasonable at all, imo, to leave on vacation without your hubs.

YEAH!!! What a great idea!


Sheers? In washer?

Hope you get some peace.
This was an extra lot of work, but I have just about had it with hubs undoing things.
I took the sheers down and placed them in the washer. He goes behind me, takes them out, and puts stuff in the washer. (He has also put stuff into my trunk).

So, I took his stuff out of the washer, and put the sheers back in.

Because I am mad as hell, and not going to take it anymore.

His Mom? She is 5150 holdable, so I avoid her altogether now.

Sounds a LOT like my MIL. I was not who she wanted her son to marry and boy, do I still hear about that (42 years later!)

Similar deal with her fussing her daughter's kids and neglecting mine. They grew up and really have no relationship with her.

I actually have no relationship with her. Hubby has to deal. He hates doing things for her, but when he starts feeling guilty, he goes to see her and she always has a ton of odd jobs for him. She asked me not to ever come to her house again, some years ago, and that was fine. I didn't and don't need her incredible negativity in my life.

Your hubby can continue to fuss mom as he chooses, you'll never win that battle--he has to come to the conclusion that he needs to establish boundaries. Realistically? As old as she is, there's not a ton of time. My MIL is 87 and in fairly decent health. Trying to talk "sense" into her is absolutely pointless.

Hubby and I almost never talk about his mom. She hates me, I can't change that, and she blames me for so many things---the life she's made miserable is her own. So sad, I would have been a great friend and DIL to her. She didn't want.

Stand up for yourself and hope DH does the same.

You say you and hubby both grew up in dysfunctional families. That is a hard background to overcome. It would be perfectly appropriate to seek mental health counseling to help you detach from this situation, You deserve all the support you can arrange.

Realize that she cannot "make" your husband go to the store for her. He is the one who decides whether he will or not. MIL is demanding and selfish. She is not going to change. Give up on that cause. But your husband can change and can make choices about his relationship to his mother and to his wife and children. Getting this to happen may benefit from couples counseling.

You can only be a doormat if you're lying down. Your husband chooses to lie down. Maybe when you get the strength to stand up yourself you can help him stand up, too (if he wants to).

Thanks, Barb, I'll get that book.

There's a book called, I think "When He's Married To Mom" I think you need to read it.

You can only be a doormat if you're lying down. Take some time away.

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