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Rethink your original statement about the type of help you need. Emotional should be included. Lots of good support and ideas here.
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And frankly, in this situation, to h*ll with whose fault anything is.

Someone named Martha once got a surprising lesson from Mary; reduce expectations, and save the energy and time for the important things. Some of the important things seem like luxuries but aren't. You have to pay the bills. You have to make sure there is food in the house. Let some of the other details go as much as possible.
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Don't let yourself go on thinking everything has to be so ideal. And you are not just stressed and feeling bad, you are stressed and feeling bad ABOUT being stressed and feeling bad. You are up against your limits and not used to being there. Take steps to reduce the stress of the situation and make life easier and more pleasant for all involved. If mom does not want to cook, order out from Subway. Prepay for a pizza delivery to home while you and girlfriend go out to the comedy club. You can't realistically take on the emotional responsibility for keeping everyone but yourself happy and thriving.
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Have your Mom apply for Medicaid and disability. The care will be provided through Social Services.
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I like the idea of getting Mom into subsidized living. Yes, there will be waiting lists, but the first step is to get on the list! Take whatever one you can with the idea if it's not perfect she can move to a different one later if need be.
Dad can afford a caregiver, either get one for him or move him into assisted living. Why is Dad financially well off and Mom is broke? Didn't he need to pay alimony or at least some kind of support if she is unable to work? Of course 15 years ago is a long time back and maybe her health was good then. Maybe Dad could pay for an apartment for Mom until she can get into subsidized living rather than hire a caregiver right now?? Is Dad a veteran? If he doesn't have significant money or income, he and Mom could both qualify for a pension.
Is Dad paying for his room and care at your home? If so, would you be financially O.K. to kick in for an apartment for Mom until she could get into the subsidized living.
First and foremost, get the two of them in separate living spaces.
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Take a deep breath. You need to build a support team. Hire a cleaning lady who will take care of laundry and cleaning. Get a shrink, who will support you, and help turn the Mom, Dad, and girlfriend into a cooperative team. The shrink will help you set and enforce boundaries, get everyone on the same page. If nothing else it someone who is totally on your side. Mine has been invaluable in getting siblings to help. Get a geriatic doctor, one who will cut down on specialists, and the amount of prescriptions taken. Go from cure to care mindset. Read "My Mother Your Mother" by Dr. Dennis McCullough. Best book written about caring for elderly parents. Stop stressing, Take action. This is what worked for me. Good Luck.
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Ay yay yay. You have the very best of intentions and everyone has become dependent on you. 1. Let go of the guilt. What you have already done is already beyond generous. 2. Get them out of your house. Nursing home, assisted living, medicaid, whatever - get them out. Out, out, out. You have a right to your life, especially at age 33 trying to get your own life put together. Being born is NOT a jail sentence of caring for parents for the rest of your life. Your mom, well, she needs to fend for herself at age 60. Sorry.
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Good Morning Jaspur13. At the end of the day, you cannot continue to sacrifice yourself (or your sanitity) at the expense of taking care of your loved one. Trust me....I have been where you are ...and continue to reside there.
Help for me came when I got my mom signed-up for Medicaid. I currently have her enrolled in the Community Based Waiver Program, which is a Medicaid based program designed to keep your loved one at home, by providing them 20-40hrs in-home provider caregiver service/supervision. Medicaid also offers transportation to a from doctor's appointments.
Also, you may want to look into a Nanny Service provider. More and more, Nanny Service providers are offering Elder Care services (ie. Sitter Service) for far less than your typical Nursing Service Provider. Elder care service can come in 2 forms: (1) Live-In provider or (2) Live-out provider. Live-In provider service is less expensive, but you sacrifice your privacy at home.
You mentioned that your father is financially independent. In order to get Medicaid, you must meet an income requirement. If you exceed the income cap, you will have to setup a Miller's Trust; for this, I recommend you contact an Elder Care Lawyer.
Hope this helps...Stay well.
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You may want to work on your father's situation first. Small, licensed assisted living group homes are very affordable and often offer a better caliber of care than larger ones. I just moved my mom from a large facility that cost almost $5,000 per month (goes up sometimes monthly) with poor care, to a 6-bed home with better care for $3500 per month for all care and (their cost does not escalate at all). These smaller ALFs don't advertise, so you will need to check with places like the Aging Institute, Senior One, etc. to find them. You can't do everything at once so just start chipping away by making some calls. You and everyone else will be happier with less stress. (((HUGS)))
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You have a lot on your plate. I know it's a crutch, but have you thought about talking to a doctor about anti depression medications? Caregiving can be one of the most stressful times of your life. Working full time and having this on top of it is a double stress. Not having help is stressful too. Please talk to your family doctor.
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God will give you more strength than you think. He will give you a rock to stand on, and He will give you rest. I am praying for you
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When you are a caring person, and doing the best you can in an overwhelming situation, guilt has no place. You are doing all you can. Communicate that to your girlfriend, and your parents. A little therapy for support could help you. Your mom sounds like she needs some too.
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ARRRG This is a "most" difficult situation and you should not feel guilty. You are doing way too much. I too am an only child. My dad lived in my house for 7 yrs. My mom was in a nursing home and my husband said that if we brought her here she was going in a nursing home here too because taking care of both of them was too much for me. She died a few months after he came to live with us so we never had to make that decision. I did get a person from the church to stay with my dad during the day while I was working. He took care of his hygiene, meds and food but mostly could sit around and read. Are you taking an antidepressant? You are in a very depressing situation. Take care of yourself first or you will not be able to take care of anyone.
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I have to agree with several responses about solutions for getting your parents the help they need. They do not need to be living at your home. Caregiving is one of the most demanding jobs and even though at first it feels as though it's "the right thing"to do, that's usually guilt and sometimes other psychological needs talking. It is not easy and the right thing is assisting your parents within reason to live their lives on their own as adults. Caregiving places you in the role as parent and them as dependent and that is very stressful and unnatural. Your mother is in her 60's and I don't see why she is living with you. She can get on her own in housing somewhere. I agree with assisted living for your dad. This stress you are under is very detrimental to your physical health and will quite possibly make you ill. I know you probably feel like you have precious little time, but you really could use the help of a caring competent therapist to help you sort through this. Until you get them both out of the house use some of dad's money to hire help to come in and do laundry, cook etc. call the local "area wide agency on aging" to get referrals to companies that provide this. There is no reason a man working full time should be doing all these tasks. You need outside help man, so admit it and get it and then go about getting your life back. That feeling of drowning is telling you that something needs to change. You have rights too, you know. You can still be a loving son who does the best for his parents and takes care of your own needs.
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Your parents, divorced for more than 15 years, wind up living in your home and bringing their various care needs with them. How come? You're only 33, you haven't even got round to marrying your partner and establishing your own family yet, you're working full-time: why would anyone think this a workable option?

And, how long has each of them been living with you? Was it supposed to be a temporary stop-gap until better accommodation could be found, or what?

In terms of practical help, make a detailed assessment of their individual needs both immediately and in the foreseeable future. You will then be able to think more clearly about how those can be met; but the current situation is untenable from all points of view.

What's your mother stressed about? Has she been recently bereaved, or suffered a relationship breakdown, illness or comparably painful event? I should keep half an eye on "competitive neediness" if I were you (that's not a technical term, I just made it up but I'm sure you'll see what I'm getting at) - as long as you express your love and care for her, you can still make it clear that you believe she can bounce back from here.

Don't anticipate guilt. In your circumstances there are better ways to be a good son than by housing both parents under your own roof; and your mother, in particular, is much too young to become your dependant. See that their needs are met, and you'll have nothing to feel guilty about.
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Oh you poor honey...how did this ever transpire? I really want to know that. Someone thought this was a good idea?

Everything that Jeanne said...get mom on a list for subsidized housing. Do some research on assisted living places and take your dad to visit. If your mom likes to research and is motivated to move dad, maybe that's a task she eould enjoy doing!
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argh ... how does your partner feel about both of your PARENTS sharing your house?
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You are a very articulate person,Jaspur13. I hope it helps a little just to share this stress and vent about it.

As you describe your situation, it sounds simply untenable to me. Your parents are divorced. In many families the divorced couple can't even hold it together enough to get through a family event like a wedding or graduation, and you have these people living under the same roof? I have a very cordial relationship with my ex-husband. Holidays and events are no problem. But I am trying to imagine living with my son because of financial hardship and then my ex moving in. OMG! Talk about stress. Talk about withdrawing to my room. Talk about being reluctant to help out Talk about neglecting my diabetes and going downhill! I just cannot imagine that scenario. Did your mother agree with moving your father in? Neither one of you could really imagine what you were getting in to.

And even without the complication of exes under the same roof, caregiving is a much more demanding role than most of us realize when we get into it. You are trying to work full time, as is your partner. This is a critical period for establishing your career and building for your future. And now one of you has the work interruptions of medical appointments and the stress of more people to shop for and feed and keep the house clean for. It is a shock for most of us. Many of us manage to work things out and cope -- but that is without the built-in huge stress that dwells in your house.

How does your partner feel about both of your partners sharing your house? Was he/she in favor of it before it happened?

Your intentions are A1 first-class. But it is hardly surprising you are unable to fulfill your intentions. It is not because you are a bad son or friend or lover or bookkeeper, etc. It is because you are in a no-win situation.

Mother's need is financial. Start there. If she could afford to live on her own, it sounds like she is capable of it. Help her look into subsidized housing for the elderly. If that seems feasible, she may need to be on a waiting list. That's OK. You can tough this out if there is an end in site.

Father can't live on his own, but he can pay for what he needs. Assisted Living, with transportation to medical appointments, may be ideal for him. Help him look into that.

With both parents getting their basic needs met you can go back to being their loving child, visiting each separately, sometimes taking them out (separately) providing little treats, etc. You can focus on building the foundation for your own future, both in your career and in your relationship.

Drastic advice? Yup. Your situation strikes me as drastically in need of fixing!
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